Fez: Hello, and welcome to TJ and Fez’s Power Rankings, Thanksgiving Edition. This weekend was pretty boring, actually. In college I had an important presentation in front of the Dean, so I had to get me a suit and put some hard work in studying the full thing. In fact, everyone in the class dressed up formal and bought some snacks for a coffee break and all, as if it was a pretty big deal. When it came to performing the exposition, it only lasted about 20 minutes, and the coffee break was an after-presentation coffee break. So we got all worked up for nothing; what a letdown. Now I know how the Cowboys feel for every “big” game: lots of excitement, anticipation… and at the end of the thing, just that sense of helplessness, loneliness. TJ: Yes…very good… Fez: Whatever… You do know I have a lot of rage within me. That won’t stop me from saying why I’m thankful for; every team has to have something I’m glad about. Let’s get this crap done, and heck everything else. 1.- Houston Texans (Last week: 1) Record: 10-1 (1st in AFC South) Week 12: Won at Detroit, 34-31 (Thanksgiving Day, OT) Week 13: at Tennessee Fez: As much as *I* want to drop them just because the Lions hung around a little too much for my taste, I just can’t. Who else are we putting here? San Francisco has two less wins, Baltimore struggled against Norval Eugene Turner. The Pats? Uh, no, thank you. The Falcons? There’s enough evidence that proves they are frauds. Anyway, I’m thankful for J.J. Watt not racking up more than 3 sacks against a porous Lions OL. I want Aldon Smith to be the sack king, although it’s unlikely he’ll get defensive MVP unless he blows up to 30 sacks or something. TJ: Are you aware that they just played 10 quarters in a 92-hour span? I for one am so glad our heroic commissioner is pushing for all those changes that will make football so much safer, and our players won’t be struggling to just walk when they get older. I’m so proud of Roger Goodell and his great ideas. The next step to make the game even safer, will surely help to eliminate serious injuries from the game, like, you know, adding 2 games to the regular season, making every team travel to London once or twice a season, and making west coast teams play in the east coast at 1:00 PM ET. He is the best commissioner ever, and the most honest of them all. 2.- San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 4) Record: 8-2-1 (1st in NFC West) Week 12: Won at New Orleans, 31-21 Week 13: at St. Louis TJ: You know, this Kaepernick guy reminds me of somebody, some time ago…you know, the back-up every fan in the stands is screaming for, he finally gets his chance and starts winning games…who was he? Who was he?....oh, that’s right!! That was Tony Romo in 2006!! At this same time in 2006, some fans were even putting his name in Texas Stadium’s Ring of honor: A little piece of advice to my friends 49ers fans: don’t jump the gun. Let the kid play a few games. Look at his performance in the play-offs, make unbiased analysis. You all will look like idiots if he fails. You know, like us. What? You’re saying I’m just a bitter/jealous Cowboys fan? Fine, here are other examples of QBs who were lights out in their first starts and then became terrible: Derek Anderson (he was the best QB in the universe for three weeks a few years ago), Marc Bulger (kicked Kurt Warner out of St. Louis), Trent Green (multiple times), Chad Hutchinson / Drew Henson (the saviors of the pre-Romo days), and my personal favorite: Rex Grossman. I could go on and on. Fez: Jealousy is bad for you. And guess what? The 49ers have a much better supporting cast around Kaepernick than Romo ever did. Also, you’d be a fool not to notice the difference in pocket presence: even after all these years, Romo always looks like he’s in panic, while Kaepernick, still a bit raw, looks calm and knows where to go to if he has to scramble, has a feel for the pass rush, and let’s not forget his strong arm. And the improvement he’s shown from the spot snaps from previous games (when he had no idea what a touch pass was) to last Sunday’s game? Out of this world. Here are backup QBs who took over for an injured starter and never looked back: Jeff Hostetler, Kurt Warner, Tom Brady. So please, cut the BS. As for the holiday spirit, thank you Jim Harbaugh for being the guy who’ll eventually run Alex Smith out of town. TJ : That’s so cute. Here, take this poster: If I had any photoshop skills, I’d replace Harbaugh’s face with Fez’s. 3.- Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 2) Record: 9-2 (1st in AFC North) Week 12: Won at San Diego, 16-13 (OT) Week 13: vs Pittsburgh Fez: There is NOTHING that has made me stop thinking the Ravens won’t get past the AFC Wild Card game. Nothing. Anyway, Chargers fans thank you, Ravens, for that 4th and 29 conversion. If that doesn’t put the final nail in Norv Turner’s coffin, I don’t know what will do. TJ: I was watching that game with my dad (huge Chargers fans since our days in Tijuana), and the refs blew that call. Rice fell half a yard short. Not even the replacement refs would’ve screwed up this bad. Ok, maybe they would have. Still…letting Rice gain all those yards in a dump off pass was very stupid. Remember, kids: prevent defense prevents wins. But anyway, if you’re scoring at home, two of the Ravens’ wins have been thanks to the refs. And you say they only help the teams you hate… 4.- Denver Broncos (Last week: 3) Record: 8-3 (1st in AFC West) Week 12: Won at Kansas City, 17-9 Week 13: vs Tampa Bay Fez: That was an ugly game, but I guess you can have an off day when you’re facing one of the worst teams in recent memory. As if Peyton Manning needs more reasons to win the MVP award: his presence has resurrected Knowshon Moreno from the dead. You know this game alone, he rushed for 85% of the total yardage he’s had this season, right? Anyway, knowing that Peyton Manning owns 21 Papa John’s places, I’m thankful there is not a single Papa John’s in my hometown. I talked to TJ and he says the stuff is just gross. TJ: Yeah, we finally got a Papa John’s here in my little, forgotten town in Mexico. Their pizza sucks. It has little cheese, it’s very greasy, and ridiculously expensive, which is a shame because it looks amazing in the ads. Anyway, Peyton, I want my money back. If you guys ever come to Queretaro, look for “Tony’s Pizza”, in El Pueblito (Spanish for “Little Town”). Best pizza I’ve ever had, and not that expensive (no, I’m not getting any revenue for this). 5.- New England Patriots (Last week: 7) Record: 8-3 (1st in AFC East) Week 12: Won at New York Jets, 49-19 (Thanksgiving Day) Week 13: at Miami Fez: A complete, utter beatdown of the Jets. The Pats and Belicheat are so evil, they made Fireman Ed walk out at halftime and delete his twitter account. I haven’t witnessed such a meltdown since the 2008 Dallas at Eagles, and that 6-44 score might still not be a match to Ed. Of course he had it coming, he may be a Super Fan and all, but no human being should be exempt from ridicule for wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey. Seriously. Anyway, I’m thankful for the Pats being on the upcoming 49ers schedule. A strong outing by Colin Kaepernick will put any and all QB controversy talk to rest. TJ: Every time I watch the Patriots play the Jets I think of the big brother / little brother analogy. I don’t think it has been close for a long, long time…and the final slap to the face was when Bellichick started to pull out his starters…BELLICHICK NEVER PULLS OUT HIS STARTERS!! Either he’s learning his lesson, or he felt so sorry for the Jets he had decided enough was enough……..you know what? I think he’s learning his lesson. 6.- Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 5) Record: 10-1 (1st in NFC South) Week 12: Won at Tampa Bay, 24-23 Week 13: vs New Orleans (TNF) TJ: They escaped with a 1-pt victory at Tampa and remain with the best record in the NFC. But something doesn’t seem right about them. They don’t seem like a one-loss team in late November. And that’s why it won’t last. Speaking of being thankful, they really should be thankful about our wise, heroic commissioner. Without him, the Saints don’t have a slow start, and without it, they’re in a closer race for the division. Fez: The Atlanta Fraudons are like Floyd Mayweather Jr.: They keep beating lousy opponents and showing a flaw or two. The only difference? They won’t have the luxury of ducking a worthy contender once the playoffs begin. Just lemme find an reliable online gambling site and I’ll give thanks to the football gods for a year for giving me the chance to bet against Atlanta in the playoffs. 7.- Chicago Bears (Last week: 8) Record: 8-3 (1st in NFC North) Week 12: Won vs Minnesota, 10-28 Week 13: vs Seattle TJ: You think Jay Cutler saw himself in Alex Smith’s mirror? You’re right…his back-up sucks, so probably it’s not true. But I still think that what Jim Harbaugh did to Smith was bullcrap. I had no chance to write about it in the 49ers section so heck it, I’ll do it here: You just don’t lose your starting spot because of injury. That’s a huge no-no. Imagine you get sick and have to lose one week of work, and by the time you come back, you’ve been replaced. There’s a reason why we have labor laws. Yeah, sure, technically Smith is still employed, but you get the idea. That was disgusting, Jim Harbaugh, and I hope Kaepernick becomes the new Derek Anderson. You know what that’s going to cause? Players hiding concussion symptoms so they don’t lose their jobs. That will make our wise heroic commissioner’s master plan fail. Burn in hell, Harbaugh. Fez: Drew Bledsoe, Phil Simms and Trent Green say hi. Also, I laugh at your average workplace comparison. Come on, first off, this is a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately league. Secondly, if workplaces functioned exactly like the NFL, you bet your butt you’d be replaced if you had to miss a week and your employer found a much better guy than you. I know I would. Bears? Thanks for the week 11 win, guys. You made the 49ers message board enjoyable again. 8.- New York Giants (Last week: 13) Record: 7-4 (1st in NFC East) Week 12: Won vs Green Bay, 10-38 (SNF) Week 13: at Washington (MNF) TJ: Of course they bounced back and destroyed a top team making it look easy. They do this every freaking year!! Who was dumb enough to write them off after those two loses? Exactly, not even Fez would do that. Elisha Manning now has the Giants franchise record for most TDs, and his dad rewarded her by letting her stay up late watching adult shows for a night, and a trip to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap, where she’ll ask for what she asks every year: to never play for the Chargers. Fez: Always a pleasure to see how much you hate Eli Manning. He’s the reason you and I won in our respective fantasy leagues, and you won’t give him any credit for that (thank you Eli, was it that hard?). Bonus question: Would YOU want to play for the Chargers right now? Anyway, from all the NFC contenders, the Giants are the ones that scare me the most as a niner fan: they already whopped our butts earlier this season and they just seem like a horrible matchup. Of course, that was with Alex Smith at the helm, and Harbaugh has found an instant upgrade at the QB position, but still… terrible matchup. 9.- Green Bay Packers (Last week: 6) Record: 7-4 (2nd in NFC North) Week 12: Lost at New York Giants, 10-38 (SNF) Week 13: vs Minnesota TJ: I’m all for the “Movember” movement and raise awareness for cancer and all that crap, but both Mike McCarthy and Aaron Rodgers displaying pourn mustaches must be starting to affect the performance of this team. Imagine you’re an offensive lineman in a meeting for tape review during the week, then Coach McCarthy pauses the tape and tries to show you something he just picked up. Do you take him seriously? How do you hold back the laughter? You don’t, and you focus so much on not to laugh that you totally miss what Coach just said and you get to gameday unprepared. Shave those mustaches, guys. You look ridiculous. Fez: Between McCarthy and Rodgers’ moustaches, and Matthews’ hair, they could film a movie called “Picking the Packers’ backfield apart”. Not that I’d watch it, I’m just giving readers the idea for free, if one of them happens to be a pourn director. Thank you guys for the unintentional comedy that is your pourn ‘staches. 10.- Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 12) Record: 7-4 (2nd in AFC South) Week 12: Won vs Buffalo, 13-20 Week 13: at Detroit Fez: A shout out to the cheerleaders who had the balls to shave their head in the #Chuckstrong fundraiser. Takes a lot of, well, balls to pull that off. I’ve been wanting to shave my head again (last I did it: 9 years ago) but my ears are too big, and I have a hairline LeBron James would laugh at. So I’ll just wait until bald spots become too glaring. As for the holiday, I thank the Colts for having the foresight to Suck for Luck. He’s a very good QB, but in reality, I love rooting for the 49ers’ starting QB Colin Kaepernick. It’s like a consolation prize for those of us who missed out on the Randall Cunningham The Video Game Legend era. TJ: Totally agree about the cheerleaders. That deserves a pic: Their names are Megan and Crystal Ann. Megan is a therapist from Auburn, IN whose favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire, and Crystal is a Personal Trainer from Ohio. Kudos to both of them, and let’s hope the Crazy Britney Spears look doesn’t scare away possible hook ups. It probably won’t, both are hot. 11.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 11) Record: 6-5 (2nd in NFC South) Week 12: Lost vs Atlanta, 24-23 Week 13: at Denver TJ: Tough loss against the Falcons. Young teams will lose games like that from time to time. I haven’t got a response: do we still hate Coach Schiano? The Bucs are playing hard, and in wild card contention; they looked way better than the last couple of years with Raheem Morris, and if all it took was to put an butthole coach in charge, then I want an butthole coach in charge of my team. Except for Lane Kiffin. Screw him. Fez: Do the Cowboys not have an butthole for a coach? I swear there’s a crap stink coming out of him or something… Anyway, thank you Doug Martin. Please don’t you ever slow down. 12.- Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 10) Record: 6-5 (2nd in NFC West) Week 12: Lost at Miami, 21-24 Week 13: at Chicago TJ: I know the jokes about Buffalo Wings commercials have been beaten to the ground at this point, but the guy in the commercial really looks like Pete Carroll. Here, let me show you: Fez: News from Seahawks land: CBs Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner have a pending suspension (they already filed their appeals) for PEDs. Hey Sherman: YOU DOPE, BRO? Who would’ve thought a team coached by Stinky Pete is cheating? I know, shocking, right? Thanks for the LOLs, Pete. 13.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 9) Record: 6-5 (2nd in AFC North) Week 12: Lost at Cleveland, 14-20 Week 13: at Baltimore Fez: Uhm… yeah. First they refused to lay down against the Giants, even with the obscenely one-sided officiating. Now they hung around until the bitter end despite turning the ball over 7 times (SEVEN!!). Does Michael Myers play for Pittsburgh or something? Anyway, as much as I despise the Steelers, I thank them for not allowing more fantasy points from Trent Richardson. I barely edged the top team in the dynasty league I play in, with a strong performance and some luck: lined up TY Hilton (2 TDs), Mohamed Sanu (ditto), Doug Martin (ditto). Thank you Steelers, now you can go back to sucking again next week. TJ: Actually, and according to what I read, it was 8 turnovers. I’m giving the Steelers a break because of the turnovers and the fact that they were down to their 3rd string QB. They were a stop on 4th and 29 away from making next week’s game against the Ravens special, but now it looks like they will have to settle for a wild card slot. Yes, Norv even hecks teams thousands of miles away. 14.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 14) Record: 6-5 (3rd in AFC North) Week 12: Won vs Oakland, 10-34 Week 13: at San Diego Fez: Only the Raiders would allow The Law Firm to go off like he did (129 yards, TD). Whatever, I’m rooting for the Bengals to sneak into the playoffs. Screw Pittsburgh. And I may not need to repeat myself, but thank you Mohamed Sanu. Those 2 TDs were nice. TJ: Weeks go by and I still haven’t read a headline about a Marvin Lewis questionable challenge or decision. Are we sure he’s still coaching the Bengals? This doesn’t make sense. 15.- Washington Redskins (Last week: 18) Record: 5-6 (2nd in NFC East) Week 12: Won at Dallas, 38-31 (Thanksgiving Day) Week 13: vs New York Giants(MNF) TJ: I keep having these nightmares of some rookie QB torching my team with 4 TDs in our house…sorry, Jerry’s house. What? It actually happened? Oh, heck. Anyway, are we sure Santana Moss is permanently on the Redskins roster? Are we sure they don’t just activate him when they play the Cowboys? Could somebody please look it up? Fez: The real question is, do Roy Williams and Anthony “Toast” Henry still play for the Cowboys? Because it sure as hell seems like it. Thank you Shanny for trading a king’s ransom for RGIII. And please, keep the team good enough to beat the cowboys, but not good enough to clear above .500 16.- New Orleans Saints (Last week: 15) Record: 5-6 (3rd in NFC South) Week 12: Lost vs San Francisco, 31-21 Week 13: at Atlanta (TNF) TJ: A very rare stinker from Brees with two pick-sixes at home, and getting out-played by a guy who’s only making his second start, but somehow he has already a spot saved for him in the Hall of Fame (not my words). Maybe the Saints needed one of these games to remind themselves that they could be the hottest team in the league, but they’re still in a hole that will be very hard to crawl out of. Now comes the re-match with the Falcons on Thursday, and I’m totally expecting them to expose them again. And now, I leave you with Fez and his weekly rant about bountygate everybody is already tired of but he hasn’t realized it yet: Fez: I know we have some Saints fans in this site, but I don’t give a crap. What gives, Saints fans? What gives? All I read from the alarming majority of the fanbase was about how Goodell was out to get them by screwing them with missed calls by the zebras. Excuse me? Did you happen to see the whole freaking game? The refs were dreadful, I’ll give you that, but they missed calls all over the place: Crabtree wasn’t down by contact, and at some point of the game there were 7 calls against SF, to 1 against NOLA. Get the heck over yourselves with your conspiracy theories, dimwits. You made your bed with Bountygate, now sleep on it. And I’m sorry but last I checked the zebras weren’t the ones failing to cover our receivers or sacking our franchise QB. Thank you for the win last Sunday, murderers. 17.- Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 16) Record: 6-5 (3rd in NFC North) Week 12: Lost at Chicago, 10-28 Week 13: at Green Bay TJ: News broke on Sunday Morning that Adrian Peterson had missed the team bus to Soldier Field. I’m sorry, but how does the team bus leave the team’s superstar stranded like that? I’d believe it if it was some rookie, or back-up, but the best RB in the league? Some balls there by Leslie Frazier. (Jimmy Johnson pulled that on Troy Aikman, many, many years ago. But that wasn’t on the team bus, that was on the team’s PLANE. That goes to show you, that it’s been two full decades since we last had a coach with balls in Big D. I’m not counting Parcells. He got his balls cut off as part of the deal he signed with the devil…I mean, Jerry). Fez: So you’d rather put up with indiscipline? You’re more Wade Phillips than Bill Parcells. What an interesting turn of events. I thank Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe. I have no idea what’s to like about him, but I follow him on twitter and he’s quite entertaining. 18.- Miami Dolphins (Last week: 20) Record: 5-6 (2nd in AFC East) Week 12: Won vs Seattle, 21-24 Week 13: vs New England Fez: “In a moment straight out of a Buffalo Wild Wings ad, the Miami Dolphins' sprinkler system interrupts play…”. Uhmm… the cynical side in me would think that was on purpose. Product placement, anyone? Or maybe I’m too scarred from politicians screwing us over and over again and I’ll believe any conspiracy theory (sans the ones involving screwing over the N.O. Saints). This one will be easy: thank you Miami for beating Seattle. The Hawks weren’t a threat to take the division off SF’s hands anyway, but it’s always nice to stick it to Stinky Pete Carroll. TJ: It was for the Seahawks players, so they don’t miss home so much (you know, since it rains in Seattle all the time). Good sportsmanship by the Dolphins there. And now, my update on TJ’s Fantasy Football Curse. I decided to bench Tannehill this week, and he had a pretty decent game. I won’t mention who I started because I don’t like when people laugh at me. 19.- Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 17) Record: 5-6 (3rd in NFC East) Week 12: Lost vs Washington, 38-31 (Thanksgiving Day) Week 13: vs Philadelphia (SNF) TJ: I made the right call. I had a chance to take Thursday off and declined it because I knew I was gonna hate this game. Of course that didn’t stop me from making a little bet with a redskins fan who works with me, and now I have to take him and his family to dinner. This wouldn’t be a problem, of course, but I’ve seen this guy eat and my wallet is going to suffer. I just hope he accepts a buffet. As for the Cowboys, they keep digging themselves in holes they sometimes can get out from. This time they fell short. That’s a sign of a poorly coached team, and any competent GM in the league would see it. Holy crap, we’re doomed… Fez: Hey, Dallas? There’s your nightmare for the next 15 years. Hope you enjoy the basement. And don’t forget to thank whatever god you believe in, for the Eagles meltdown. Thank you for the LOLs last Thursday. And may there be many more to come. TJ: Look at them, Fez… 20.- Detroit Lions (Last week: 19) Record: 4-7 (4th in NFC North) Week 12: Lost vs Houston, 34-31 (Thanksgiving Day, OT). Week 13: vs Indianapolis TJ: I read an interesting piece by Bill Barnwell on how the Lions are screwed for being the worst team in the last years of the past CBA. Basically, the money they owe to Stafford, Megatron, and Donkey Kong Suh might be the GPA of a small African country. Years after being fired, Matt Millen keeps freaking the Lions and laughing in his new gig on NFL Network. How is that fair? And don’t get me started about Jim Schwartz’s brain fart on thanksgiving. Yes, the rule is bullcrap, but he said he knew it and still hecked up. How do you expect this team to control their emotions (like, say, Suh controlling his huge urge to kick Matt Schaub in the groin) if their coach can’t do it? Fez: KNOW THE RULES, SCHWARTZ!!! I’m ashamed of Merton Hanks; the guy is well-liked among Niner Nation, but this is inexcusable. How the heck do you NOT suspend Suh for this? He got 2 games for last year’s stomp on Evan Dietrich-Smith, are you gonna tell me with a straight face that Suh’s leg kick was a natural move? He should’ve got 4 games at least. Enough is enough with that crap. Where’s the emphasis on player safety? You know what, I’m not gonna thank the Lions for anything. Screw them. 21.- San Diego Chargers (Last week: 21) Record: 4-7 (2nd in AFC West) Week 12: Lost vs Baltimore, 16-13 (OT) Week 13: vs Cincinnati Fez: Best joke I heard this weekend; courtesy of the Sports Pickle’s twitter account, during the time the zebras took to figure out the outcome on the famous 4th and 29 play: “The Chargers have had plenty of time to fire Norv Turner during this stoppage. What are they waiting for?” Anyway, thank you karma, for giving all the negative vibe back to the butthole that is Philip Rivers. Can’t stand the guy. TJ: Once again, it was a bullcrap call. But it sound fitting that the final nail in Norv’s coffin might be something that wasn’t totally his fault. By the way, how many “final nails in a coffin” can you actually have? Because Norv’s coffin has had its share of “final nails”. Oh, crap…he’s not a zombie, is he? He might be…I mean, just look at that face!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 22.- Carolina Panthers (Last week: 25) Record: 3-8 (4th in NFC South) Week 12: Won at Philadelphia, 30-22 (MNF) Week 13: at Kansas City TJ: Ok, I have a confession to make. This season I have been falling asleep on Monday Night Football due to me returning home very tired from work (probably because I keep sleeping late on Sundays). In fact, the only time I didn’t fall asleep was when Ramiro Romo kept throwing TDs to Bears defenders, and I was trying to give myself a concussion. So anyway, tonight I fell asleep on the couch again, and when I woke up I had no idea of who had won and what had happened. Poor Fez had to finish the ranks and update the records, so let’s see…Panthers won 30-22. Cam threw for two TDs and ran for two more. Time to eat my crow like in the old Vince Young days? Probably, but remember: I had the last laugh about Young. Fez: I spent most of the MNF matchup playing a game with my coworker’s hoops team. Quick recap: our team blows. Seriously. We’ve played like 7 or 8 games this season and we only won our inaugural match. Turns out, we faced another 1-win team that night. We had a short bench so I was going to have more PT than usual to spell the starters. Scratch that, I started. Anyway, we dominated the whole game and I even made my first FG of the season. Right after I banked it, I nearly threw a party, just like Mario Williams did when he recorded his first sack as a pro. (00:35) [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R58MiToYduI]Mario Williams Sack Mix Tape - YouTube[/ame] What does it have to do with the Panthers? Carolina, you may have won this game, but it was an old-school Toilet Bowl. You still suck. Enjoy the win, though. And thanks to the opposing team for not covering me properly so I could score my first points this season. 23.- Buffalo Bills (Last week: 23) Record: 4-7 (4th in AFC East) Week 12: Lost at Indianapolis, 13-20 Week 13: vs Jacksonville Fez: Some teams have all those losses coming. 4th quarter, 04:31 left. Bills begin a series on their own 47 yard line, they have all their 3 timeouts. C.J. Spiller has had a very good day, over 100 yards, over 7 yards per rush. What do the Bills do? Naturally, they go pass-happy: scramble by Fitzpatrick, dump-off to Spiller for a 4-yard loss, incomplete. 4th down, their defense is pure crap, they can’t afford to turn the ball over to one of the best rookie QBs to come out in years, right? Wrong. Punt. Game over. Anyway, thank you Spiller for not being a total bust and making me look good for taking you first overall in a rookie draft three years ago. TJ: Yeah, and Stevie Johnson went on record after the game saying that Fitzpatrick should be calling his own plays because he’s the smartest player in the roster. There’s a Harvard joke somewhere in there. 24.- New York Jets (Last week: 22) Record: 4-7 (3rd in AFC East) Week 12: Lost vs New England, 49-19 (Thanksgiving Day) Week 13: vs Arizona Fez: So if aborting a baby is considered murder by die-hard Christians, does Tim Tebow get charged with a double murder after fracturing two ribs? Thank you, I’ll be here all week. I thank the Jets for fascinating us with this stat: there were more players who fumbled the ball than those who had at least one carry in this game. Incompetence will always find new ways to amaze us. TJ: Maybe God will take those ribs to finally give her a girl worth of popping his cherry…I don’t get it. Why did they trade for Tebow if they never intended to use him? There’s no way Sanchez makes that blunder in which he crashed with his lineman’s butt and fumpled without Tebow in the bench. Fireman Ed would still be leading JETS chants in the stands. Rex Ryan would probably still be making Super Bowl predictions, amusing us all. I don’t think there has been a trade in sports history with this many ramifications. 25.- Cleveland Browns (Last week: 28) Record: 3-8 (4th in AFC North) Week 12: Won vs Pittsburgh, 14-20 Week 13: at Oakland Fez: With nothing to play for but pride, the Browns shocked their arch-rivals. For Clevelanders this could very well be their Super Bowl. Now if you excuse me, I’ll get a break to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, if you catch my drift. What to be thankful for? Uhm, I guess I have to thank my organism for not suffering from constipation in a long time, unlike the Browns offense. TJ: What if the Browns aren’t really THAT bad? A few breaks here and there, and they could easily be 5-6 and fighting for a Wild Card spot (and yes, I’m counting the Cowboys game). I don’t know what Cleveland ever did to God for Him to hate them so much, but I’d apologize now. Just like an angry wife on her period…just apologize, don’t ask questions, beg for forgiveness and hope you don’t get your head cut off. 26.- Tennessee Titans (Last week: 24) Record: 4-7 (3rd in AFC South) Week 12: Lost at Jacksonville, 19-24 Week 13: vs Houston Fez: You know how you simulate games on Madden and they sometimes end up with ridiculous outcomes? Well, apparently they followed my advice from last week: sim this game and move on. Tennessee may want to work on Jake Locker’s accuracy; a QB will only go so far with heart and running ability. 23 for 40 against a poor defense won’t cut it. What am I thankful for? The 49ers FO promptly fired Mike Singletary when it became clear he didn’t have what it takes to be a HC in this league. Maybe the Titans should follow suit, and start keeping an eye on Munchak. TJ: This week the Titans are bad. Now they face Houston next week, a game they will either win by 30 points, or lose by the same margin, with no in-between. 27.- Oakland Raiders (Last week: 26) Record: 3-8 (3rd in AFC West) Week 12: Lost at Cincinnati, 10-34 Week 13: vs Cleveland Fez: I rarely give crap to a rookie HC, but come on, this guy: …looks more like the Gatorade boy than the man in charge. Funny how he has a defensive background, yet the Raiders find new ways to embarrass themselves week after week. And for that, thank you, Oakland. I get a kick out of making fun of the cross town rivals for years to come. Again, it’s like the crypt keeper never left. TJ: Take a look at the past Raiders coaches: Bill Callahan, Norv Turner, Art Shell, Lane Kiffin, Tom Cable, Hue Jackson, and now Dennis Allen. And that’s only in the past decade!! They’re really giving your beloved goats a run for their money on the “constantly changing coaches which causes no stability or continuity on their team, yet their owners can’t possibly understand why they suck so much”. (Footnote: That’s an inside joke. The goats are Fez’s beloved soccer team (seriously, they’re called the goats. Look it up) with an owner who is a rare mix of Jerry Jones and Al Davis who changes coaches every 3 months or so, and he still goes to the press really, really pissed because his team can’t seem to win even against the lesser teams, and he can’t understand why. How do these people become millionaires in the first place? That’s something I’ll never understand). 28.- St. Louis Rams (Last week: 31) Record: 4-6-1 (3rd in NFC West) Week 12: Won at Arizona, 31-17 Week 13: vs San Francisco TJ: If a game happens in the desert, but nobody cares about it, does it make a noise? Does it make it to the highlight reel? I have no idea how the Rams beat the Cardinals, I only read the Cards QB du jour had four picks, which is nice for them. Now they get the 49ers at home, and here’s hoping they don’t end up kissing their sisters again. Fez: It’s funny how the Seahawks fans are cocky as crap, Stinky Pete carries himself as a genius coach; the 6 remaining fans along with the thousands that hopped off the bandwagon a month ago were all “our defense this, our defense that, PP21 is a shutdown corner, Fitz is the best player in the worldwide world”, as if having 3 turds at QB and no offensive lineman worth a dime didn’t matter. And guess what? When it’s all said and done, the Rams will most likely finish second in the NFC West. Awesome. I thank the league for sticking SF in the same division as these mediocre teams. Keep it exactly like that, division rivals. San Francisco wants you as punching bags, practice fodder. 29.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 30) Record: 2-9 (4th in AFC South) Week 12: Won vs Tennessee, 19-24 Week 13: at Buffalo Fez: Chad Henne! I always liked him! Ok, not really. I don’t know what to make of the Jaguars and Henne. Are they really going to give him a real shot at keeping the job permanently next offseason? And if so, will they require him to grow a hair like Blaine Gabbert’s? Will he like it in L.A. or London? Or will they stick with Gabbert out of principle (1st round pick)? Regardless, I thank the Niners Front Office for picking Aldon Smith over Blaine Gabbert last year, even though it seemed a given they’d take a QB early. Talk about dodging a major bullet. TJ: Wasn’t Henne the answer in Miami a few years ago? I’m going to have to go back to my Romo-Kaepernick-Anderson rule: Don’t overreact on young QB lighting the league on fire in their first few starts after taking over the starter. Enough tape on them will give answers to defensive coordinators around the league. Let’s just wait and see. But yes, no matter what happens, Henne must remain the starter. Gabbert is AWFUL. And I’m not talking only about the facial hair thing. 30.- Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 27) Record: 4-7 (4th in NFC West) Week 12: Lost vs St. Louis, 31-17 Week 13: at New York Jets TJ: Like I said above, the Cardinals QB du jour had 4 picks. It’s not working either, so who’s next on the list? Can I try out? I could do it for the league minimum and can drive to Arizona in 14-16 hours. Just say the word, coach Wisenhunt!! I’m your guy!! I’m like Tebow, but without the religious stuff, with a bum knee, and I haven’t worked out in years. That’s better than anything you have. Fez: You know what? I’ve run out of funny things to say about the Cards. Even school bullies get tired of picking on the freaky ginger. Thanks for being so delusional, Cards fans. 31.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 29) Record: 3-8 (4th in NFC East) Week 12: Lost vs Carolina, 30-22 (MNF) Week 13: at Dallas (SNF) TJ: Yes, they’re this bad. Yes, I absolutely love it. Yes, I can’t possibly understand why NBC won’t flex out the Eagles @ Cowboys game for next Sunday night. I think I’d rather watch the Cardinals @ Jets game, and the U.S. citizens agree with me. Fez: I don’t care, I thank the Eagles for drafting Foles so I could be a fan of other team’s QB and claim I always liked the guy when everyone else doubted him. I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!! What, you thought I’d jump off the bandwagon after two mediocre games? I’m not a Cards fan, you know. He’s been put in a helpless situation. He has no time to throw to his receivers, his coach has pretty much quit on the team. **Realizes he sounds like an Alex Smith fanboy** Oh, crap… 32.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 32) Record: 1-10 (4th in AFC West) Week 12: Lost vs Denver, 17-9 Week 13: vs Carolina Fez: There was a point during the Broncos-Chiefs game, when NFL.com’s Gametracker wrongly displayed Peyton Hillis at QB. I mean, I know RBs throw passes from time to time, being involved in trick plays and whatnot, but the website actually had a stat like “P. Hillis 2/4 25 yds”. You know your team’s QBs blow so hard, the league’s website makes it seem your backup runningback has taken over the job, and fans from other teams glance over the statline thinking “I know this is most likely wrong, the guys running the Gametracker messed up, but wouldn’t that actually be an improvement over the Cassel/Quinn poo poo platter?”. TJ: It’s always sad when the last place of our Power Rankings is a team with such a devoted fanbase. I mean, back when Fez and I started doing this in 2006-2008, the Lions always were in this place and made our best jokes about them because nobody ever got hurt. But this time it’s different. I have good friends who happen to be Chiefs fans, and I feel bad making fun of them. Please, Chiefs, win one or two more games so we can finally put the Eagles here, and I can peacefully die of laughter. Do it for your fans!! Fez: I thank the 2012 Kansas City Chiefs for consistently sucking the life out of their fans, allowing me to finish these Power Rankings with the same catch phrase. Please, Chiefs, don’t you ever leave the basement this season: FIRE PIOLI!!! ROMEO MUST DIE!!!
You guys need to start taping these for youtube, and do them while wearing those creepy fat little mexican dutch boy costumes you see on univision.
i kind of think you could rank the teams #1 through #6 in any particular order and it wouldn't bother me. They're all about the same right now.
I believe Denver is. Losing McGahee was a blow to them, but you learn to never doubt Peyton Manning. They had an off game but they had the luxury of doing it against the bottom feeder. I'll stand by my predictions. Losing Ray and Webb basically ended the Ravens' chances of advancing past the AFC Wild Card game. And Atlanta is a fraud. As of now, there are SIX teams I'd bet on going to the Georgia Dome and beat them with their strong running game. I'd put a lot of $ on SF, Chicago and NYG. As for Seattle, Tampa and the Vikes my stakes would be lower, but I'd still bet on them.
We'd have to tape a split screen video because we don't live in the same town. :icon_cheesygrin: Besides, if TJ's mug ever was uploaded on youtube, the site would explode.
Like I said last week, I'm the one responsible for ranking the teams. TJ can suggest me a change in the order and I'll usually comply (unless it involves ranking the Cowboys higher :icon_cheesygrin: ). The Pats have been looking really good the past few weeks, but their defense is suspect. It seems odd that they are ranked lower than the Broncos, seeing how NE dispatched them easily a few weeks ago. But hey, we are not perfect. :icon_redface: Another similar performance combined with an average Denver outing will surely put them higher, maybe as high as #3 or 2.
The Broncos haven't beaten a top team yet this year, losing to HOU, NE, and ATL, and the only winning teams theyve beaten are the Steelers and Bungles both of whom are barely over 500...where they at in your rankings? Their wins have come against teams with a combined 28-49 record (32-56 if you count the Chargers twice). They've got an absolute creampuff schedule making them look much better than they are, and it doesnt get any harder from here on in. Bucs, Raiders, Ravens, Browns, Chiefs.
well, wait a minute. while i agree that the broncos, bears, and falcons have all piled up a lot of wins against inferior competition, haven't the Pats done exactly the same thing? In fact, looking at their schedules, I would say (miraculously) the Pats have had an easier road than the Broncos. The Bills twice, the jets twice, titans, cardinals, rams ............ the pats and broncos have basically had duplicate seasons. not sure why one should be ranked higher than the other.
Pats have looked a lot better doing it. Theyve also beaten at a "top" team in the process, and lost to another by one point in a 4th quarter comeback, something the Broncos havent been able to do.
well, now you're talking about the eye test, which is very subjective and we could go round and round about that all day. All I was trying to say is, on paper, their resumes are very similar (keep in mind, i'm not a big 'margin of victory' guy so i really don't care if Belichick runs the score up on chumps like the Bills or Rams or Jets) It doesn't impress me so maybe that's where we differ 'on paper'.
[MENTION=548]TJ[/MENTION] I agree with you that the spot was BS, to mean it looked like at best he was at the 34.5, how the refs could give him another yard I'm not sure. Also Boldin could have easily been flagged for the block he put on Weddle (which resulted in a concussion). Last season, the win against the Ravens saved Norv's job. This season, the loss could very well cost him his job.
I decided to average out my rankings (I used the revised version) with your rankings to see what it would look like, the results: 1. Houston Texans 2. San Francisco 49ers 3. New England Patriots 4. Denver Broncos 5. Baltimore Ravens 6. Atlanta Falcons 7. Chicago Bears 8. New York Giants 9. Green Bay Packers 10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 11. Cincinnati Bengals 12. Seattle Seahawks 13. Pittsburgh Steelers 14. Indianapolis Colts 15. Washington Redskins 16. New Orleans Saints 17. Minnesota Vikings 18. Dallas Cowboys 19. Miami Dolphins 20. San Diego Chargers 21. Detroit Lions 22. Carolina Panthers 23. Cleveland Browns 24. Buffalo Bills 25. St. Louis Rams 26. New York Jets 27. Tennessee Titans 28. Arizona Cardinals 29. Oakland Raiders 30. Jacksonville Jaguars 31. Philadelphia Eagles 32. Kansas City Chiefs
Saw your rankings as soon as you posted them; what jumped out to me immediately is our discrepancy in the Colts' rankings.
yep, i have a formula like boltzrule and it has had the colts in the low 20's all season and still has them in the lower portion of the league. typically, every year, there is a team or 2 that takes a 4th place schedule and plays smart, focused football and is able to beat up on a lot of bad teams, pile up wins, and make the playoffs. the colts are one of those teams. they really are not that talented but they are playing emotional, smart, and focused football as a team. they can't beat the good teams but they are piling up wins against the bad ones and since they have such an easy schedule, they look a little better (with the eye test) than they actually are.
