TJ finds a new job to help stabilize his married life (GOOD TIMES!), while Fez struggles to get over a Ref Ghost from Superbowl Past. Your favorite dynamic duo is back!!! Well, maybe not your favorite one, but the only one from Mexico with enough spare time to waste on writing this crap. Fez: Hello everyone! Welcome back! As you may remember, TJ and I used to publish these on Gridironfans.com a few years ago, but then we both got a bit busy and crap, yaddah yaddah yaddah. Last season, around week 9, we decided to give it another shot, and it seems like we had some success, to the point we kept doing it every Monday night / tuesday morning until the end of the regular season. In the NFL world, such inconsistency would’ve landed us a 120 million contract from Jerry Jones, or as TJ affectionately calls him: “Jerry plsâ€. Unfortunately that’s not the case, but we have SteveRobWhatever and Sweets’ encouraging words to keep going, plus the feedback from the rest of the GIF.com community. Keep it coming, boys! Your comments are a boost to our ego. TJ: This has been an eventful offseason, to say the least. Back in March 22nd, on my 8th GIF anniversary (I joined in March 22nd 2005…go look it up), I was fired from a job I had hated for the past year or so. I was planning on quitting, anyway, so when I received my liquidation check, I laughed all the way to the bank. You know, like JaMarcus Russell back in 2007 (or Ramiro Romo in 2013). Now I have a better job, in one of the biggest banks in the world. So yeah, I’m totally ready to see the Cowboys ruin what has been a very good year 2013. Fez: Fortunately for Steve, we’ll make our best to deliver this stuff 18 times (this one and one after every week of the regular season) while not asking for a single penny back. Unless our favorite sell-out sports writer comes knocking on our door. That may still happen, unless the site he runs blocked my e-mail address from asking them everyday to hire us. Just kidding. TJ: You never know. We might make a “post-preseason†column. Or “These are really the preseason rankings†column. Think of this one as the “pre-preseason†column. Unless we don’t make another until September. Then this is the preseason column. My head hurts :( T-1.- San Francisco 49ers (Finished last year: 5) Record: 11-4-1 (NFC West Champions, Lost Superbowl vs Baltimore) Fez: What, you were expecting someone else? San Fran has the odds against them, with the SB loser curse and all that crap. I’m not gonna buy it, because: one, I’m a helpless homer; and 2, San Francisco just looks like a team that will pull all stops to steamroll the opposition on its way to a second SB appearance. Having the best coach in the league doesn’t hurt, and I’m sure Harbaugh will remind his players what was missing last season, and how some people are writing them off in favor of the Seahawks. Still to fix, the secondary, but 1st round pick Eric Reid already looks promising, and the Front Office knows talent; I’m not worried at all. In Haarbalke I trust!!! TJ: I don’t have a problem with Fez overruling me and placing the 49ers in 1st place. In fact, I encourage it. Think about it. How many teams who were ranking first in PR columns before the preseason end up winning the Super Bowl? Exactly!! I’ll never forget the 2006 season when the Dolphins were the universal favorites to take home the Lombardi, and they didn’t even crack .500 that year. Even Nick Saban was out the door long before the final gun of their week 17 game. I have even seen my beloved Cowboys being crowned champions in the preseason in the past few years, just to fail miserably and I’ve been the target of my friends’ jokes…Fez’s were the meanest. So, to say it in other words: it’s payback time. And I’m starting early, just in case: T-1.- Jerome Boger Record: 53 players killed, undetermined number of no-calls in the Superbowl, cause of one-for-the-ages Jim Harbaugh meme Fez: It amazes me how race is still an issue in 2013. You have an underwhelming black Referee getting the SB bid. This wouldn’t have been a problem prior to the game if not for other colleagues going to the media anonymously and blasting the choice. So why is he #1 in our rankings? Because you, Jerome Boger, are the American dream: an incompetent individual getting an undeserving chance to perform under the spotlight, blow your chance and get virtually no backlash, no fines, no penalties, no loss of your job, nothing. Kudos, Jerome Boger. Now please go play in traffic in rush hour, hecker. TJ: Blaming the refs has always been the #1 excuse of sore losers. I’m placing the over/under for Fez to stop whining about Boger at week 13.5. (Pssst! Take the over. Trust me). 2.- Seadderall Cheathawks (Finished last year: 3) Record: 11-5 (2nd in NFC West, Lost in NFC Divisional Game at Atlanta) Fez: Let’s set this straight. I’ve seen some other Power Rankings put Seattle at #1. The question is, why? The Seahawks’ claims to fame during the 2012 season come in the following order: 1) The fail-mary fiasco; 2) Richard Sherman getting caught using a banned substance and weaseling out of a suspension due to a technicality. 3) Russell Wilson blossoming. 4) Blowing the NFC Divisional Game because they couldn’t hold off Atlanta in the final seconds. 5) The 13-42 game. And #5 is the reason why the ignorant starbucks-drinking inbreds they have as fans are all but crowning their team as the 2013 NFC West Champions already. Excuse me? Let’s see, San Francisco needed 1 win in the final two games to secure the #2 seed. What were they going to do, go to a crapty-weather Seattle and risk another key injury, or roll over and beat the hapless Cardinals the following week? Mmmhh, seems like an easy choice to me. Both teams are really, really good, I’m gonna admit that. It’ll come down to coaching, and I beg your pardon, I’m going to take Jim Harbaugh over Stinky Pete every day of the week without even thinking. Enough with the nonsense. TJ: What is this? The HATE year? Geez, calm down, buddy!! The Seahawks are loaded, and you’re right about their coach being their weakest link. I don’t know nor care about the PED allegations because I have become so cynical in the past years, that now I’m convinced that EVERY PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE IN EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORT IS JUICING!!! There. I said it. So what’s the big deal? We get great games, memorable moments, children have their heroes like we did… Everybody does it, everybody knows it (even you reading this know it…maybe deep, deep down, but you know it), it’s not a big deal, get over it, and stop whining. Geez!! Ohh, and in case you forgot, I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!! 3.- Denver Broncos (Finished last year: 1) Record: 13-3 (AFC West Champions, Lost in NFC Divisional Game vs Baltimore) Fez: Lost in the hoopla about the top contenders in the NFC West and the unbelievable offseason we’ve had with the Aaron Hernandez case and the Cheathawks taking enough PEDs to resurrect the extinct BALCO, the Broncos have had a couple of wonderful moves. Adding Dominique-Rodgers-Whathisname-Cromartie, Wes Welker and then going out and drafting slow-but-productive Montee Ball? That’s quite a good haul for a team that already was very good. On the flip side, I bet Broncos fans are wishing Rahim Moore was the one getting caught for DUI instead of two top executives. Why are executives getting drunk at the wheel? Some mysterious stuff going on at the Mile Really High. TJ: â€The Mile Really Highâ€. I like that. The Broncos are the favorites to rule the AFC this year, and with the 49ers being the favorites in the NFC, maybe it’s time for a little payback from Super Bowl XXIV. Yeah, that 55-10 demolition in New Orleans. You know, scratch the “Hate Year†thing, this might be the “Payback Yearâ€. By the way, isn’t it funny that two of the top three teams in our rankings are from states where pot is now legal? This can’t be a coincidence. Too bad Texas is more conservative than Vatican City, or we might fight for a chance here. Let’s just move on. 4.- Atlanta Falcons (Finished last year: 6) Record: 13-3 (NFC South Champions, Lost in NFC Championship Game vs San Francisco) TJ: So…we were all ready to place the CHOKER label on Matt Ryan, and then he finally won a playoff game. But if Ramiro Romo has taught anything to us (besides that “don’t ever let your starting QB hold FG tries†thing) is that winning a playoff game is not enough to shake that label off. Hell, even Donovan McNabb, who won lots of games in the playoffs, leads my Choking QBs hall of fame. So what gives? I feel bad for my boy Tony G for coming back just to be let down again. Just retire already, and wait for the call from Canton. Fez: Other than San Francisco, no team in the NFL has a bigger chip on its collective shoulder than Atlanta. Homefield advantage, last team to lose a game last season, an explosive offense featuring two really good WRs and a HOF TE, and they were disrespected the whole time, to the point they imploded and ended up blowing a huge lead at their own place in the NFCCG. Now they go and add what I believe is the single most underrated FA signing this offseason. If Steven Jackson can play up to 75% of the effectiveness he showed in his prime, watch out. Does he still have it? 5.- New England Patriots (Finished last year: 2) Record: 12-4 (AFC East Champions, Lost in AFC Championship Game vs Baltimore) Fez: In the light of the events surrounding Aaron Hernandez, the murder of Odin Lloyd and the former’s alleged miscues from the past, I’d like to nominate the former Pats TE as the dumbest player of all-time. He should’ve known that in order to get free, he needed to take Lloyd to Florida, have a physical confrontation with him and then shoot him, invoking the “stand your ground†law, the “self-defense†argument, and why not, even the Chewbacca defense. Free to go! TJ: I don’t know, man. I still think Vince Young is dumber. Maybe the only reason he hasn’t shot anyone is because he doesn’t know how to use a gun. But I digress. Is it possible to feel bad for Tom Brady? Yeah, I know…millions of dollars in the bank, an international super model in his bed, a whole region’s all-time hero…but he left money on the table so the team could get better, and what happens? None of his top-4 receivers from last year are coming back. Maybe Gronk eventually will, but the rest…puff!! Gone. Did you know they’re one unavoidable Danny Amendola injury away from starting Donald Jones at WR? Donald Jones!! I had to look him up just to know who he is!! Here: He was signed as an undrafted free agent by Buffalo in 2010, and has 887 yards and 6 TDs in three seasons. Then, once the usual Julian Edelman concussion happens, who’s in? Michael Jenkins, come on down!! Well, maybe he was a victim of Vick’s Falcons back in the day, but you get the idea. Maybe they’ll really play Tebow at TE? Who knows, but this almost makes me feel bad for Tom Brady. Almost. 6.- Green Bay Packers (Finished last year: 4) Record: 11-5 (NFC North Champions, Lost in NFC Divisional Game at San Francisco) TJ: The Packers want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey before he gets into the Hall of Fame (hey!! I can say his name again!! The curse is over!!). And I think that’s great. Bury the hatchet, let’s all be friends again. Just watch out for that speech at half time…have some snipers at the stands of Lambeau just in case he starts saying he’s coming back, and if he does, shoot him. Right between the eyes. Please. Fez: Can I start a petition asking the Packers management to build a statue with a plaque that reads: “Brett Lorenzo Favre (1992-2007) Superbowl XXXI Champion; 11-time Probowler, 3-time MVP; All-time passing TD leader; interception machine; wishy-washy, Vicodin-adict motherhecker who made Dwight Howard look like a mature and decisive fella; held the Packers management hostage by threatening to retire every year for at least 3 seasons; hecker went on to play for the Jets after we got tired of his bullcrap and handed the keys over to Aaron Rodgers; and even though we got over it and we’re honoring him with this statue, he wanted to stick it to us by signing with our divisional rival Minnesota Vikings. The only reason we’re retiring his number is because he won a SB with the Green Bay Packers and our beer-loving good-natured Wisconsinites adore him.†You tell me what part of that isn’t true, TJ. 7.- Houston Texans (Finished last year: 8) Record: 12-4 (AFC South Champions, Lost in AFC Divisional Game at New England) Fez: Dear fantasy football player: I know you’re sitting here, with your rod in your hand, drafting 2nd in your league, when it’s pretty much a guarantee that the guy in front of you (the Commish, probably, those cheating bastards) will take Adrian Peterson. I know Arian Foster is there, staring at you and looking extremely attractive, the same way the fat chick is sitting on your lap after you’ve had one too many beers in a bar. Just consider this: Among the top 12 rushers last season, Foster had the highest number of rushes and the lowest YPR avg. Kubiak ran him to the ground last year, and the Texans will have to depend on Ben Tate to pick up the slack. Take someone else (Morris, Lynch, Martin) and thank me at the end of the season. TJ: Ugh…fantasy football. It’s mid-july and I’m getting all the usual invitations to all the leagues I’ve played over the years. I don’t know if I can do that anymore. Honestly. It’s tiring, time consuming, and usually I’m done by October but can’t quit out of respect of the other guys who either are lucky, or actually know what they’re doing. Seriously. I’ve played an average or 5 leagues per year since 1998. Do you know how many leagues I’ve won? ONE. Enough said. Anyway, the Texans are your typical “very good, but not great†team. Sure, they can dominate the likes of the Jaguars, Titans or Chiefs, but make them face the class of their conference, and they look like the freakin’ Raiders out there. The sad part is that 2013 will be the same, so yeah…they might win the AFC South, but that’s it. 8.- Baltimore Ravens (Finished last year: 9) Record: 10-6 (AFC North Champions, Won the Superbowl vs San Francisco, helped by some major officiating miscues that nobody ever seems to remember, and had their inspirational leader cheat by using banned substances to come back from an injury that takes several months to heal, with no consequences to be suffered because that guy was retiring anyway, but oh well, let it pass as if nothing shaky happened) Fez: You know what’s missing? Ray Lewis going the twinky(head) Sherman route, by organizing a celebrity softball game and hiring Jerome Boger to “officiate†the game, the same way Sherman pays Lance Easley to do his. He could invite some of the Deerest Baltimore icons like Michael Phelps and the “The Wire†cast, as well as being joined by some of his teammates. When someone asks why CB Jimmy Smith didn’t attend, just note that he’s still in New Orleans, holding Michael Crabtree in the endzone. TJ: Sigh. I just want to say that the deal Joe Flacco got was so ridiculous, that Jerry Jones had to “out-ridiculize†it (see, I just made up a word!!) by giving a bigger one to Ramiro Romo (more on that below). With so many players going away, it’s just no way the Ravens repeat, so I’m crossing them off already. Good job, good effort! 9.- Indianapolis Colts (Finished last year: 10) Record: 11-5 (2nd in AFC South, Lost in AFC Wild Card Game at Baltimore) Fez: In some way, Andrew Luck’s brilliant rookie season may come to haunt him. Basically, after taking over a 2-14 team, he took his free year (the one when nobody could ever bash him for struggling) and dragged the Colts to the playoffs, rallying behind #Chuckstrong. How is that a bad thing? Now he’ll have the burden of higher expectations; some could argue that, with Tennessee and Jacklondonville seemingly going nowhere with their current leadership, and with the Texans’ window closing slowly, the Colts are the favorites to rule the AFC South once again. Can Luck deal with that? TJ: He still gets a free pass this year. Remember the famous “sophomore slumpâ€? Yeah, I wouldn’t be even a little surprised if Luck regresses this year. I might even see it as something normal. But their division is so bad, they can regress a little and instead grab a wild card spot. 10.- Washington Redskins (Finished last year: 7) Record: 10-6 (NFC East Champions, Lost in NFC Wild Card game vs Seattle) TJ: This is a really sad moment for all of us. A moment that usually happens once or twice a decade, and it’s so sad I’m holding off tears right now. Yes…I’m talking about the moment I admit the Redskins are the best team in the NFC East. (Give me a second…I need to recover……..thank you). Of course RGIII will be ready by week 1. He’s following AD’s recipe…I mean, dealer…I mean, rehab…or whatever **wink wink**. All I can hope for now is a sophomore slump. So yeah, this season will be FUN… Fez: Well, it must suck to be a Cowboys fan this year, because even if RG-Knee can’t go or gets hurt again, the Professional Football Team Based In Washington, D.C. that plays in Landover, Maryland (did I do it right, U.S. Congressmen? Stick your noses in bigger deals, please) has a very capable backup QB in Kirk Cousins. In fact, I’d take Cousins over Ramiro Romo and Alex Smith right now, don’t get me started. 11.- Cincinnati Bengals (Finished last year: 12) Record: 10-6 (2nd in AFC North, Lost in AFC Wild Card Game at Houston) Fez: It’s a do or die season for Cincy. Only two divisional championships in recent years, but with Baltimore losing its Deerest defensive player and Ed Reed going to Houston, with the Steelers aging in dog years and the Commish failing to end the city of Cleveland’s misery, the Bengals are poised to be the class of the AFC North. Can they pull it off? TJ: No, they can’t. I had to double-check, but Marvin Lewis is still their head coach, and I still cannot, for the life of me, believe it. Sure, they have made the playoffs the past couple of years, but they’ve been one-and-done!! That’s their ceiling with Lewis…they can’t get any further!! So Mike Brown, please…you have a great, great team…go ahead, and get you a real head coach before it’s too late. Your fanbase has suffered long enough, and soon an annual lose in the wild card round is not going to cut it. 12.- Minnesota Vikings (Finished last year: 11) Record: 10-6 (2nd in NFC North, Lost in NFC Wild Card Game at Green Bay) TJ: Joe Webb has made the switch to WR, so the tastefully named Christian Ponder is now the man in Minnesota…well, after Adrian Peterson, of course…I meant the starting QB. This might be a good season in the NFC North, because I see all four teams pretty strong, and when teams are that leveled-up, it usually comes down to QBs. And he might not be as good as the other three guys, so this might be his final chance to make something happen besides handing it off to AD. Fez: At least they got rid of the black Alex Smith, I mean Tarvaris Jackson. The Vikes had a very, very nice draft (helped by Seadderall’s idiocy of sending a first round pick for a migraine machine and perennial pot consumer, but still). They can reload the DL with Sharriff Floyd, added a nice CB in Xavier Rhodes, and if Cordarrelle Patterson is as good as advertised, watch out. Of course, as TJ pointed out, none of this will matter if Ponder blows because behind him there’s the only, the unique, the immortal, Matt Cassel. Ouch. 13.- New York Giants (Finished last year: 14) Record: 9-7 (2nd in NFC East) TJ: Victor Cruz got paid, and the nightmares of him burning a hapless Cowboys secondary suddenly haunted me again for a few days. It was horrible. That offense will sure be scary, but what about the defense? I don’t know, but if they might be the only challengers of the Redskins for the division title, and MY GOD, I cannot believe I just wrote that… Fez: The Giants’ offseason has been so dull (outside the contract disputes with Cruz and Hakeem Nicks anyway), even their draft was “boringâ€. 3 linemen with the first 3 selections, plus Ryan Nassib. Speaking of the latter, I can’t imagine having a dream shattered the way he did on draft weekend. All the pre-draft buzz was about how his old coach was going to take him on round 1 for the Bills, and Marrone went out to draft the raw E.J. Manuel. Then 1st round over, and the Jets preferred adding new features to their circus, and he kept falling, and falling, and even Matt Barkley (who has BUST written all over him) went before him… That’s the kind of stories that end up in the snubbed player going out of his way to stick it to the rest of the league. And it’d be funny as hell for me as a Cowboys hater if Nassib did just that after taking over for Eli a few years from now. In fact, I’m rooting for him already. Anything to make TJ’s life miserable. 14.- Chicago Bears (Finished last year: 13) Record: 10-6 (3rd in NFC North) TJ: Brian Urlacher is gone, and retired. But the future might be bright for da Bears. They finally have the QB-WR combo they had never had and all they need is keep them both healthy for a full year. Specially Jay Cutler who apparently is so important, the team turns into crap once he goes down. Take care of Jay, Bears…he’s your only hope!! Fez: And now with Jermon Bushrod under contract, plus Gabe Carimi being shown the door, the Bears may actually give Smokin’ Jay Cutler (that’s his name, he legally changed it and all) some time to chuck it to Brandon Marshall. Nobody expects Chicago to win it all with a first-year coach, but it’s looking good. The only downside is that the core of the team is a bit older than ideal so they have to grow quickly as a team or else the window will close before they even realize it’s officially open. 15.- Dallas Cowboys (Finished last year: 15) Record: 8-8 (3rd in NFC East) Fez: Anytime a team you don’t root for announces it is working on a contract extension for a high-profile player, your reaction could go in 4 different ways: 1.- “Crap!! They’re locking him up!! We’re hecked. Back off, let him test Free Agency!!!â€. 2.- “Well, the guy deserves it… he’s played his butt off for the team and now he’s getting paidâ€. 3.- “Wow, nice!! They’re clogging their cap space and making a commitment to him?! Good news for us!!!â€. 4.- “Bwahahahahahaha!!! Tony Romo is getting an extension!!! Please never die, Jerry!!!â€. Need I say more? TJ: Well, Ramiro earned it. He has shattered every record in Cowboys’ history. Records that were once held by people like Roger Staubach, Danny White, and Troy Aikman……you know what? Screw it. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t defend that guy anymore. In fact, I’m not calling him by his first name anymore. I’m now calling him by his ridiculous, Hispanic middle name. Last year I was doing the “when good, he’s Tony, when bad, he’s Ramiro†gimmick, but it won’t cut it this year. He’s Ramiro Romo, Dallas Cowboys starting QB, and he’ll make 100 million dollars by being awesome in the warm, and suck the life out of me and every other Cowboys fan in the planet once the weather turns cold. And he’ll do it for the next 4 to 6 years, or maybe more. Maybe Freaking Jerry Jones will give him a 10-year $350 Million extension in 2017, once he goes full senile. We can’t rule that out. In the mean time, and until Jerry dies, I don’t expect anything (read again: ANYTHING) from my Cowboys. And I’m telling that to certain haters who always make fun of me in December saying “I thought you said the Cowboys were going to the super bowl!!â€, when the fact is I HAVE NOT SAID SUCH THINGS IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS!! GET OFF MY FREAKING BACK ALREADY!! I HATE YOU ALL!! I HOPE YOU ALL GET CANCER!! I’LL EAT YOUR FREAKING BABIES!! CATCH FIRE AND DIEEEEEE!! STOP SENDING ME CANDY CRUSH REQUESTS ON FACEBOOK!! AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!! NO!! NOT THE SHOT….AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! HEEEEEELP!!! Fez: Security!!! Bring the male nurses NOW, GOD DAMNIT!!! 16.- St. Louis Rams (Finished last year: 17) Record: 7-8-1 (3rd in NFC West) TJ: **Tied up on a strain jacket and visibly doped** I want to apologize for that meltdown. I love you all. I don’t hope you get cancer, and I certainly won’t eat your babies……you can send me Candy Crush requests…I play it on my wife’s cell phone all the time…..so yeah, the Rams…they should be a little bit better. Too bad they’re playing in a very tough division. Wait, what? The NFC West is a tough division? These drugs are grrrreeeaaat!!! :) Fez: In an unexpected turn of events, TJ’s tranquilizers made him take a clear look at the state of the NFC West. The Rams won 7 games and went 1-0-1 against the eventual NFC Champions, so they shouldn’t be taken slightly. They even took Tavon Austin who may be out of the first preseason game with a concussion due to his small frame, or go all DeSean Jackson on the rest of the league. It is pretty damn conceivable that the NFC West sends 3 representatives to the playoffs this year, and no, I didn’t take any of TJ’s drugs. 17.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Finished last year: 19) Record: 7-9 (4th in NFC South) TJ: Coach Butthole…I mean, Schiano, is back and ready to bully the other teams in the league. Or at least try to. I wish Mike Ditka still coached…he’d punch him in the face in the postgame handshake. Maybe Jimmy Johnson and Buddy Ryan would too. But I digress. Now that they have found their feature RB, they should find out if Josh Freeman is for real. He seems to have an off year after a good one, but this time he’s playing for his contract, and you never know. Fez: I have just what the doctor ordered. Let CK7 and the 49ers run up the score on them, then make Jim Harbaugh apply a handshake that makes the Jim Schwartz one look like child’s play, all while Harbaugh tells Schiano “Good job, good effort buttholeâ€. Tell me if Schiano ever does that again. He wouldn’t. 18.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Finished last year: 16) Record: 8-8 (3rd in AFC North) Fez: 40 million dollars!!! For Antonio Brown!!! I’d make a bigger deal out of this, but the Steelers Front Office is one of the few that actually knows what it’s doing. Just in case, I’ll have him in my “sleeper†list for fantasy purposes. Next thing you know, he’s plowing through defenses like Ben Rapistburger does through Georgia women. Keeping an eye on this. TJ: There’s no way the Steelers miss the playoffs for two years in a row, right? RIGHT?!?! I don’t think that has happened in my life time. But that would be nice. And their fans wouldn’t even care: 19.- Carolina Panthers (Finished last year: 18) Record: 7-9 (2nd in NFC South) TJ: It’s year 3 in the Cam Newton era, and he better start delivering some playoff appearances. Fez: Wait, what? You’re mailing in sections this soon, TJ? I’m outraged. Anyway, I remember overrating the Panthers for about 3 or 4 weeks (we started on week 9), then dropped them to their right place. I’m not sure what to make of them, but I acknowledge they tried to fix their run defense by going DT-DT in the first two rounds of the draft. If Star Lotulelei is over those heart issues, watch out. And because I don’t appreciate your lack of imagination (and I’m sure the readers don’t either) here’s your punishment: 4 naked Colin Kaepernicks riding dolphins. Don’t ever do that again. 20.- New Orleans Saints (Finished last year: 20) Record: 7-9 (3rd in NFC South) TJ: Coach Payton is back, and he got PAID!! I’ve kissed my long-time dream of seeing him coaching my Cowboys goodbye because JERRY JONES WON’T GET HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS BUTT AND……..sorry, sorry…I’m cool…I’m cool. So now that they have put that bounty thing behind, they should be back to dominate the AFC South and make the playoffs, unless, of course, Fez hasn’t got over it and won’t stop ranting about it like last year…let’s see… Fez: Actually, I’m over it now, thanks. Unless they knock my boy CK7 out of the week 11 game at the Superdome, then the GIF.com community will never hear the end of it. Stay tuned. Oh, and I get to take some cash from *that* Saints fan again. I’m not sure if I want to strip her off her money, I’m not a bad guy. The funny part is, for all the crap you gave me for bringing up bountygate every week, the Saints ended up taking the guy the Cowboys wanted in this year’s draft, with the selection they should’ve lost but didn’t. So if anyone should be hating the Saints this year, it’s you, not me. 21.- Miami Dolphins (Finished last year: 22) Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC East) Fez: Has anyone made the joke about Roger Goodell fining the Phins for taking the helmet off their new logo? Ahh, screw it. I bet someone did. Anyway, what’s to like about Miami this season? If Dion Jordan is as good as advertised, him and Cam Wake may form one of the best pass rushing tandems in the league… until you remember Wake’s already 31 years old. Either way, Miami seems poised for another season of irrelevancy. Bonus question: is it just me, or the new Dolphins logo looks like the marine mammal is getting, uhm, a little aroused? Should I stop watching Brazzers now? TJ: Yes. You totally should. There’s better pourn out there. Hey!! I turn 31 this month!! Are you saying I’m past my prime already? Maybe I am…if I was a running back…but I haven’t ran for anything in years!! So, in summary, no…I’m not past my prime. Ohh, and if Goodell’s catfication of the NFL continues, we might not need helmets in a few years, so maybe the Dolphins are trying to send us a message here. 22.- San Diego Chargers (Finished last year: 21) Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC West) Fez: In a way, I’m glad Manti Te’o was drafted by San Diego. Classy town, won’t get much exposure and the fake girlfriend issue can fade as quickly as his draft stock after the National Championship barrage at the hands of the student-athletes of the University of Alabama. The downside of all this is that he’ll be expected to fill the shoes of Junior Seau. Such a monumental (and creepy) task. TJ: So much for the Te’o storyline. As soon as he was drafted by the Chargers, the story just disappeared. Maybe San Diego is that irrelevant, I don’t know. By the way, how’s that Norv quarantine going? They should put a glass dome over the city, you know, like in The Simpsons Movie, so it won’t spread. Whoops!! Norv is in Cleveland now…I guess it’s too late. Hey!! Speaking of Cleveland… 23.- Cleveland Browns (Finished last year: 24) Record: 5-11 (4th in AFC North) Fez: I think I speak for both TJ and I when I say this: we give our best to have fun and entertain the GIF.com readers at the same time, but the jokes we make and the jabs we take at each other and other teams sometimes get overshadowed by fans making the news by doing some funny crap. Any regular fan surely has read this: Deceased fan asked for Browns pallbearers so they can “let him down one more time†| ProFootballTalk I’m sorry, I just can’t beat that. Ladies and gentlemen, these are your 2013 Cleveland Browns. RIP Scott Entsminger, thanks for the laugh. TJ: I got so inspired by Scott’s obituary, that I might steal the idea and request to have mine written like that, only instead of the Browns, I’d request a representative of the Cowboys, Knicks, and Mexico’s National Soccer Team because they have left me down so many times in my life it will pretty much write itself. Of course, odds are Ramiro Romo won’t bother to go to my funeral so I’ll settle with Fez making fun of me one last time. So yeah, at least I’m not a Browns fan, right? That should be the motto of every other fanbase whose team doesn’t win the Super Bowl: At least we’re not Browns fans. 24.- Tennessee Titans (Finished last year: 25) Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC South) Fez: With Jake Locker struggling and Chris Johnson doing his best to give fans everywhere the southern version of the Mark Sanchez buttfumble every week, coach Munchak went out there and got himself a pair of Guards (Andy Levitre and ‘Bama’s Chance Warmack) to anchor his OL. Basically this is Munchak screaming “WITH GOD AS MY FREAKING WITNESS, I’M GONNA MAKE A MAN OUT OF CHRIS JOHNSON AGAIN!!!†and “HERE’S YOUR LAST god **mn CHANCE, LOCKER!!â€. Personally I hope the Titans do something this year, as it was too hard to come up with anything when we had to write about them. We were like “uh, yeah, the Titans suck… next team, pleaseâ€. TJ: Well, good luck with that. It’s tough with the Titans because they’re SteveRobWhatever’s team, and one feels obligated to write something funny about them, and the pressure gets so high, I usually pull a Ramiro Romo and choke when the time to write about them comes. So yeah, Titans…a little help would be nice. Thank you. 25.- Buffalo Bills (Finished last year: 23) Record: 6-10 (4th in AFC East) Fez: With apologies to the decade of futility achieved by the Lions, and boy, they tried really hard, Buffalo is exactly what’s wrong with NFL franchises nowadays. You have an old fart as an owner, a clueless Front Office that keeps hiring the wrong coach (either retreads, men whom the game has passed by, or no-name inexperienced young fellas), wastes draft picks (JP Losman, Donte Whitner, John McCargo, Lee Evans, Mike Williams, Aaron Maybin, you get the point), and gives huge money to free agents whose previous team made no real effort to bring back (hi, Mario Williams) or unproven QBs who have had a few weeks of success (hello, Ryan Pickspatrick!). The cherry on the cake: getting rid of your expensive QB in the worst QB draft class since 2005. You know how bad things were in the market? Alex Smith was the crown jewel. Read that sentence again. TJ: That’s 14 years in a row without making the playoffs, and counting. Talk about futility. And you even left out the way they reached for EJ Manuel in the draft. I immediately remembered Jerry Jones taking Quincy Carter in the SECOND ROUND back in 2001, and named him Troy Aikman’s successor. At least Manuel won’t replace a Hall of Fame QB, and honestly…how bad can he be? Not as bad as what they had before. By the way…will they finally figure out how to use their running backs the right way? That’s the only good thing they had in the past, and they still let Fitzpatrick air it out 40+ times a game. 26.- Oakland Raiders (Finished last year: 27) Record: 4-12 (3rd in AFC West) Fez: It’s only fitting that the Raiders spent a first round pick on a guy who survived a massive internal bleeding. This could be part of a PR campaign that demonstrates the team knows how its fanbase feels week in and week out from September through December. Other than that, don’t expect a lot from Oakland, unless one of the QBs is the real deal. I’m somewhat intrigued by Tyler Wilson’s potential, but I’m rooting for Matt Flynn just to stick it to Seattle for letting him go. Oh, who am I kidding, screw Oakland. TJ: If it wasn’t for all the talk during the offseason about JaMarcus Rusell trying to make a comeback, the Raiders would’ve been irrelevant this year. Instead, we were fed news items about him working out for teams, and trying to get a contract, only nobody signed him, and suddenly disappeard again, so I think everybody forgot this. Hey!! It’s something, right? 27.- Detroit Lions (Finished last year: 30) Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC North) TJ: An intriguing team that should bounce back in 2013, specially now that they have locked-up their best players on offense. But you have to wonder about Titus Young. A few paragraphs ago, Fez named Aaron Hernandez the dumbest player in NFL history, but what about Titus Young? He was arrested, what? 3 times in one week? At least Hernandez was killing people and not getting caught for –apparently- so much time, now he’s being linked to every murder case in Boston for the past years!! Fez: Titus Young has a mental illness, that’s entirely different. Anyway, Detroit has indeed locked up its best players plus King Kong Suh. The problem here is, they don’t have much money left to improve their horrendous defense and their drafting track record isn’t all that good. BTW, I’m off the Lions bandwagon; I hated the Reggie Bush signing for two reasons: 1) He’s Reggie Bush; 2) He’s taking away carries from the guy seemed to be my sleeper in fantasy football, Mikel LeShoure. Screw Bush. 28.- Philadelphia Eagles (Finished last year: 29) Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC East) TJ: I love seeing the Eagles this low. And I’m really hoping Chip Kelly goes all Bobby Petrino on their asses and leaves them for dead after 12 or 13 weeks. That would be epic. I’d even settle with the Nick Saban treatment, and resigning the second the season is over. Either one would be nice. Screw the Eagles. Have a good day. Fez: Chip Kelly? The Blur Offense? Vick is back? Matt Barkley? Mmmhhh, yeah, might be time to leave the driver’s seat in the Nick Foles bandwagon. Let’s just say I’m nowhere near as excited about Foles as I was last season. What are you doing, Philly? Please just trade the guy to a team that needs a starter like Jacksonville, Cleveland or Kansas City (yes, you heard me). 29.- New York Jets (Finished last year: 26) Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC East) Fez: QB depth chart prior to the draft: Mark Sanchez!!! David Garrard!!! Tim Tebow!!! Greg McElroy!!! RB depth chart prior to the draft: Mike Goodson!!! Bilal Powell!!! Joe McKnight!!! Lex Hilliard!!! John Griffin!!! Rex Ryan hasn’t seen a pile of crap this big since before his lap band surgery. Why did they fire Tannenbaum but not him, again? Oh, and with the Circus’ latest addition (the helplessly whining Geno Smith), this promises to be the most entertaining Jets season ever for anyone not rooting for the Jets. And man, that’s saying something. No wonder David Garrard quit on them alleging his knee wasn’t healthy. Let’s jump the gun, we know this will be the tone this season. FIRE REX!!! TJ: Replacing the Tebow soap opera with Geno Smith’s comedy was a good move by the Jets front office. That, and the Rex Ryan in Pamplona running away from bulls footage. Almost makes me want to start a caption contest…but all joking aside, I’m taking off my hat to him. You got balls, coach Ryan. But not enough balls to cut Mark Sanchez. 30.- Arizona Cardinals (Finished last year: 28) Record: 5-11 (4th in NFC West) TJ: Continuing with my “Free Larry Fitzgerald†campaign from last year, I can’t believe the best they could get him was Carson Palmer, a guy who has been past his prime for 4 or 5 years, and was RETIRED before the Raiders went all Corleone on the Bengals. I know, we discussed a few paragraphs ago about “feeling bad†about these players, but I really feel bad for Fitz. He’s trapped in the desert with no way out. Fez: DE Calais Campbell recently stated that the Cards could conceivably win the division now that they have a real QB (“and no offense to any of the guys who took snaps for us in the past!â€). That must be some really high praise for Drew Stanton, because there is no way he was talking about Carson Palmer. I mean, NFL players need to be entirely focused on their own team, get in shape, watch film, listen to the coaches and stuff, but don’t they follow the league at all? Carson Palmer, a real QB? Did we all hop on a time machine and went back to 2005? Free Larry Fitzgerald, for god’s sake. 31.- Kansas City Chiefs (Finished last year: 32) Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC West) Fez: Turns out, hanging Jovan Belcher’s jersey in the locker room after he left his baby daughter an orphan wasn’t even the worst decision taken by the Chiefs in the last 10 months. Alex Smith for two 2nd rounders? Really? And not only that, but with GM Trent Baalke dealing and wheeling, the 49ers got the heir apparent to Justin Smith (Tank Carradine) plus another second/third rounder from the Chiefs (depending of Alex Smith’s level of suckiness this year), a third rounder from the Titans in 2014 and the 7th rounder needed to trade up from #93 to #88 and grab an intriguing pass rusher (Corey Lemonier). As a Niner fan, I’m pretty freaking excited. If I were a Chiefs fan? Well, let’s just say you got a marginal upgrade from Matt Cassel and spent two second rounders for that. Feel the excitement! TJ: I can’t wait for the Chiefs to turn it around, make Alex Smith a pro-bowl QB and throw an egg at Fez’s face, for a change. Of course, it might not happen with Andy Reid around. He’d catch the egg, fry it, and devour it like the fat butt he is. Did we already make the joke of Reid signing with the Chiefs because he thought their helmets spelled “KFC†instead of “KCâ€? Really? What about calling them the “Chefs†instead of the “Chiefsâ€? That one as well? Geez…we need new material badly… 32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Finished last year: 31) Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC South) Fez: This has been an active offseason for the Jaguars. First they changed uniform and logo, unveiling a ho-hum bi-color helmet design and a Jaguar that looks like Cheetara (and if you don’t know who Cheetara is, may god have mercy on your soul because you had no childhood). Then in a likely attempt at increasing the Jags fanbase in London, the middle east lost brother of Ron Jeremy bought smallish Premier League soccer team Fulham. The funniest part? Khan considering taking down the Michael Jackson statue outside Craven Cottage Stadium (why does Fulham have a Michael Jackson statue? Beats the hell out of me!), while former owner Mohamed Al Fayed threatened Khan: “Michael Jackson will stay — it’s part of the deal .Are you listening to me about Michael Jackson? You promise now? Otherwise... I will take your moustache off.†What… the… heck?!?! As for actual football moves? Well, get used to another season of scrolling way down these Power Rankings, Jags fans. TJ: Their new logo looks like an angry Pink Panther. And I don’t even know what color those helmets are. And if you didn’t get Fez’s Cheetara reference, don’t worry, you had a childhood…you’re just old, or way too young. Fez doesn’t know the world didn’t start in the 1980’s, when he was born. Anyway, Let’s see if they can climb up from the basement. I don’t think they are because, you know, Blaine Gabbert is still their starting QB, and Roger Goodell is slowly moving them to London, only not many people have notice. Good luck, Jacksonville! You’re gonna need it. TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt. Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. And by “enjoying life†he means snitching about anything and everything that doesn’t go his way, plus taking jabs at TJ every football season weekend. Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.
Other than celebrating days under 100 degrees, us Cards fans have little to rejoice. If Larry can get us one game closer to 4-12 this season, then back off. "Leave Larry Alone".
Wonderful work, gentlemen. I enjoyed it greatly, and IMHO you do a better job than many "pros". Keep it coming. Pats are way too high is my one beef. Sorry Steve. Everyones talking about the offensive issues and questions, which are legitimate, but the defense is fairly not very good at all, like potentially bad enough to sink the team - especially if the offense falters. Pats are a borderline playoff team at best this year IMO. If they weren't in such a creampuff division they wouldnt even be that. Oh, and the top 3 teams are all from legal weed states, maaaaaan.
OK, maybe I'm biased but these 2 of the bestest at rankings, I LOVE THEM!!!! I shared this on FB/Twitter and I hope you all do the same...
I was going to give a like to TJ's post, but that'd be like licking my own tail, right? lol As I explained last season, I'm mostly responsible for the order the teams are listed, although TJ has a veto power which he never seems to use. The Pats are indeed ranked that high because of reputation and because we don't know how Brady's gonna make his crapty WR core work. After all, wasn't Wes Welker an afterthought when the Pats traded for him? This MAY be the year they drop from contender to borderline playoffs team, but until proven otherwise, we'll keep them up there. Thanks for the feedback and the positive comments everyone. Brought a smile to my face this morning.
Really great read. You guys crack me up. My rankings would differ a bit, but I'd enjoyed your's nevertheless
All kidding aside, I've been reading your stuff since I joined 4 years ago. By far this is the best read of anything you've done. Hope the creative juices keep flowing. Well done.....just the next version about the Cards let's hear your take on an O-Line that turned the QB's (although sucky) into targets last year and that did little to upgrade. Time to start the "Run, Carson, Run" campaign. Last.....the Cards are going to kick the crap out of the 9er's and the Puget Sound Ocean Sparrows in 2013.
I love this blog and reading poor TJ crying over the fact his Cowcraps are not the best is the icing on his cake.
The Saints ranking is a little low. Granted, we have a new 3-4 system being put into place but with Coach back and the team under one voice we will improve. I see us winning the NFC South. The defense will play better under Ryan. That read and react bullcrap was for the birds. This defense was put together to attack and that is what they do best. We will shock quite a few people come Sept.
Thanks for the positive feedback! We hope we can keep this up, too. TJ has said it before, and I agree with him, we both have a wonderful time getting these write-ups done. I like your idea of the "Run, Carson, Run" campaign. Just make sure you guys start Chilo Rachal, and it's on like Donkey Kong. If you thought Adam Snyder was bad, wait until you see Chilo. Niner fans know. :icon_cheesygrin: As for the Cards beating the Niners... uuhh... no. :icon_cool:
Great article,guys. I'd like to quibble about the Cowboys ranking, but I don't think I can, because there doesn't seem to be any surprises on this team. Last season, the 49ers had Kaepernick, the Seahawks had Wilson, and the Redskins had RG3. I don't see any surprises on the Cowboys roster, so I think 8-8 is about right. Maybe they can get a new HC in 2014.
