Fez & TJ's NFL Power Rankings. Week 8 Edition

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TJ ponders the meaning of life while travelling through time; Fez is in shock learning that his buddy might be a “sheâ€￾. It’s Fez and TJ’s 2013 Power Rankings, Week 8 Edition!

TJ: Hello, and welcome to the Week 8 edition of Fez And TJ’s Power Rankings presented by Gridironfans.com. That’s right, 8 weeks already in the books, and I’m shocked we have made it this far. Back in the summer, when Fez and I were discussing the season and how we’ll work on the column, I remember telling him “I give us 5 or 6 weeks topsâ€￾, but look at us!! Half the season, and we haven’t missed a bit!! Anyway, another spectacular week, with the wildest imaginable endings!! What, I talking about the World Series, of course…a walk-off obstruction, and a walk-off pick-off in the same weekend? That was amazing!! What? There were other wild finishes this weekend? No, I don’t recall any…maybe Fez can help me…

Fez: And boy, we’ve had some obstacles to hurdle. I still don’t believe we’ll finish the season with 19 editions, but we’ll do our best to achieve it. Those were the days when we had no lives. Anyway, as far as wild endings go, nothing tops the Flozell Adams clone stupidly stopping the clock on a holding penalty, as well as Matthew Stafford If He Can Stay Healthy roaring back to win it all on a surprising sneak where everyone was expecting a sp… okay, I’ll stop. I can spot some tears on TJ’s eyes. Better get this crap started. Here are your Week 8 Power Rankings!


1.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 1)
2013 Record: 6-1 (1st in NFC South)
Week 8: W vs Buffalo, 17-35
Week 9: at New York Jets
Fez: We’ve been criticized for putting the Saints up at #1, but the truth is, there is no scarier offense when Brees is clicking on all cylinders. Not all QBs can make scrubs like Lance Moore and Kenny Stills look good, but the Saints and this guy keep doing it. The best part is that no one can’t knock them on their schedule, as they’ve defeated a bunch of tougher teams than Kansas City has ever faced this year. Looking forward to November 17th, Saints fans. Can’t wait.

TJ: Look at that…Fez keeps trying to get some…oh, nevermind. So the Saints made it to a second week in a row in the number 1 spot in the Power Rankings, so maybe the curse is over, and I won’t be making any more bold predictions like the freakin’ Bills defeating the Saints. I know, I know, I got carried away…but what if the Jets defeat them next weekend? Then what happens? Hey!! Why are you laughing?!?!


2.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 2)
2013 Record: 5-2 (1st in AFC South)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: at Houston (SNF)
TJ: I’ve been thinking about it ever since my brother mentioned it the other day: Andrew LUCK gets drafted by a team with a horseshoe logo, you know, a universal symbol of good luck. This can’t be a coincidence, can it? Well, sure, life is a collection of massive coincidences, right? It has to be, because if everything is part of an already put in motion master plan, then I’d really struggle to get out of bed every morning. These are the kind of things you ponder when you’re as sleep deprived as I am…

Fez: It is quite enjoyable when broadcasting companies use the images of defensive players instead of the team’s QB. In this case, NBC announced the Indy-Houston SNF matchup as “Luck vs Wattâ€￾. Why not add up to the entertainment and place a picture of Case Keenum? Or what about “LUCK! Whatever scrub Houston starts! It’s Colts vs Texans, an AFC showdown that will surely heck up our ratings because Houston blows! You’re better off jacking off to Carrie Underwood’s godly legs and then skipping this massacre! Next week on NBC!â€￾. Side note: I still prefer Faith Hill over Carrie. Nothing personal.


3.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 4)
2013 Record: 7-1 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 8: W vs Washington, 21-45
Week 9: BYE
TJ: Peyton Manning must have it all. Not only is he on pace to shatter the yardage, TDs, and points record, but yesterday he became the first QB ever to commit a holding penalty.


Source: Grantland.com

Well, I’m not sure if he really is the first ever, I really doubt it, but at least he’s the first one I see. Further proof that the NFC East might be the worst division ever: Denver averaged 98 points against them this year (all numbers approximate). This got me thinking: Two of my teams will take advantage of crappy divisions/groups. The Cowboys will make the playoffs with 8-8 or 7-9, and Mexico will make it to the World Cup with 11 points in 10 games (maximum possible is 30, it’s like making the playoffs with a 5-11 record). All I’m missing is the Knicks crawling to the NBA playoffs as an 8 seed with 30 wins to make it a trifecta. I’m disgusted, let’s see what Fez has to say about this.

Fez: It makes sense! HOF QBs must have their own weird moment, right? Wasn’t Br... Bre... hah, you know the guy, wasn’t that guy’s first career pass a deflected one that ended up falling on his own arms? On the other hand, we also had the immortal Dan Orlovsky running out of the endzone for a safety, same as Geno Smith... The lesson here is: you have “thatâ€￾ moment, you’ll be absolutely good, or mesmerizingly bad. Good comeback from Denver, by the way. Personally I can’t wait until they sweep the Chiefs so everyone can shut the heck up about Alex Smith.


4.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 3)
2013 Record: 7-1 (1st in NFC West)
Week 8: W at St. Louis, 14-9
Week 9: vs Tampa Bay
Fez: I like what I’m seeing from this particular Seahawks team. The coffee-addict inbreds believe they are a juggernaut and all they can chant is 42-13, 71-16 or whatever the combined score from the last nit-picked games is. But I mean, did you happen to see the MNF game? They barely (BARELY) got past Kellen Clemens!!! They allowed 100+ rushing yards from Zac Stacy! If you asked me who Zac Stacy is, I’d say those are the stars from Save by the Bell!! This is the cold-hard truth: the Seahawks are vulnerable away from that sound pumping monstrosity of a stadium.

TJ: So, this week daylight savings time ended in Mexico, one full week before you guys in the U.S. changed your clocks. That meant football started one hour earlier than usual, which of course caused me to miss the first hour of every 1:00 PM ET game because getting up before noon on Sundays goes against everything I believe in. That also meant that instead of catching the last quarter of Monday Night Football, I would miss the entire game. So imagine my surprise when I start reading tweets about my boy Russell Wilson being constantly sacked, and the Rams just hanging in there by a thread, and even coming this close from winning in the last play. What the hell?!?! They were supposed to destroy them!! So disappointing...I’m starting to think the 49ers might catch up with them...nah, it’s not THAT bad...nevermind.


5.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 5)
2013 Record: 8-0 (1st in AFC West)
Week 8: W vs Cleveland, 17-23
Week 9: at Buffalo
TJ: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Mr. Hater did it again, not giving the Chiefs their credit for being undefeated. And I would agree with you at 75% or something. If I ran this crap, I’d place the Chiefs in second, right behind the Saints, but Fez has a point. The Chiefs have had the easiest schedule in the history of mankind, and even the Cowboys would be undefeated with it…fine, they wouldn’t, but you get the point. Still, kudos to Andy Reid for an amazing job so far.

Fez: Second, come on… That defense is top notch, and Jamaal Charles is making fantasy owners who followed my advice really happy. But they aren’t going anywhere with that passing QB. Seriously, please take a look at the Chiefs message boards. You’d think they’d be jumping on joy after being the only undefeated team left, but they know better. They are happy, but they’re concerned they’ll be one and done in the playoffs, and Alex Smith is the lone reason. Why any team hasn’t put a spy on Jamaal Charles is beyond me… oh, wait, the Chiefs have faced only scrubs. My mistake.


6.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 6)
2013 Record: 5-2 (1st in NFC North)
Week 8: W at Minnesota, 44-31 (SNF)
Week 9: vs Chicago (MNF)
Fez: This is the difference between a champion like the tastefully named Aaron Rodgers, and a pretender like Ramiro Ice Ryan. Rodgers loses Cobb, James Jones and Finley, he keeps it going and destroys opposition. Ramiro Ice hides behind the losses of Julio Jones and Roddy White to excuse his piss poor season. You saw how the Packers were converting 3rd and 4th downs like they all were short-yardage situations? Man… the Vikings do suck, but Green Bay HAS to execute the plays. And they’re still waiting until Fabio Matthews’ hair-coloring is done to bolster their defense.

TJ: Well, the Vikings still managed to put 31 points on them…sure, at least 14 were in garbage time, but still. You can’t win in January with a defense like that, I don’t care how many yards Aaron Rodgers can pull out of his butt. They should watch out, though…the Detroit Megatrons are just one game behind, and they have to face them eventually at Ford Field. They better cover Calvin with everyone…and it might not be enough. What a fun race this one will be!!


7.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 9)
2013 Record: 6-2 (1st in AFC North)
Week 8: W vs New York Jets, 9-49
Week 9: at Miami (TNF)
TJ: It’s time for everyone’s favorite section in our Power Rankings: TJ’s rant about fantasy football. This week, I played Fez in our Autoforos league (who by the way, are our biggest fans. Hi, guys!!). Unlike last week, this time I made sure my line ups were set, and my team ready for action. We both were 3-4 and this pretty much meant whoever won would stay alive in the playoffs hunt. It started ok, I guess…Matthew Stafford had a bunch of yards, to counter Kaepernick’s picnic in Wembley, and then after the late games, I noticed Andy Dalton had 5 TD passes against the Jets. This had me excited, since I have AJ Green in my team. Well, guess what…none of those TDs were to Green, and Fez defeated me in a very low-scoring game. That’s my sports fandom in a nutshell…the worst outcomes in the worst possible times. Excuse me while I continue vomiting…

Fez: Bragging rights, muthaheckah!!! Beat your butt once again. By the way, I insist on having an offline draft next year. This whole BS about waiting for the autodraft to be completed like a kid is waiting for Santa Claus needs to stop. I’ve been very fortunate the past years, I even got a championship or two, but when your autodraft setup gives you CJ Spiller, Chris Johnson and David Wilson as your top 3 RBs, you know you’re in deep crap. I’ll even pony up to get that old fart that only shows up at nights a data mobile plan to keep him online… Hi, counselor! Yeah, I’m talking about you. Stop hogging free wi-fis!


8.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 7)
2013 Record: 6-2 (1st in AFC East)
Week 8: W vs Miami, 17-27
Week 9: vs Pittsburgh
TJ: I don’t know how they keep doing it, but they are still the class of the AFC East, after the Dolphins refused to take them down, the Bills got a bump on the road, and the Jets crashed back to earth that hard (see what I did there?). I still think Bellichick reversed from the flashy offense that puts up a lot of yards, to the tough defense and practical offense that helped them win those three Super Bowls. Goes to prove that the formula to win Super Bowls hasn’t really changed. This team reminds me more of the 2001 Patriots than any other team in the past decade. I don’t know if it’ll work, but watch out for them!!

Fez: But it wasn’t pretty. Truth to be told, the Pats are lucky that none of the other AFC East teams are really stacked, else they would be helpless. Just a question: Mike Shanahan got a lot of crap over the years for ruining thousands of fantasy teams by using a committee; why is Belichick getting a free pass? 8 carries to Stevan Ridley; 11 to LeGarrette Blount; 8 to Brandon Bolden… there are not enough quality RBs to ride on your fantasy team, why is Darth Belichick doing this to us?


9.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 8)
2013 Record: 6-2 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 8: W at Jaguars, 42-10 (in London)
Week 9: BYE
Fez: I TOLD YOU HE’S BAAAAAACK!!! Colin MF’ing Kaepernick takes care of business in London and brings the team back from its ashes to a 6-2 record heading to the bye week. Of course, taking pride in being fair myself, I can’t put them higher for beating the lowly Jaguars, but still… the best news is that they’re taking a well-deserved rest and will soon be getting key elements back, like Mario Manningham, Eric Wright, as well as rookies Tank Carradine and Quinton Dial to bolster the DL. They’re only going to get better, and sure enough, I’m only going to get wetter.

TJ: The Jaguars are so bad that if you beat them, you still lose at least one spot in the rankings. It has to be. Anyway, thank God the 49ers have their bye next week, I’m starting to get tired about Fez’s orgasm jokes…hopefully he’ll take the bye week to get some new material, like photoshopping Nicole Kidman’s face to Kaepernick’s nude body, or…wait, why the hell am I giving him ideas?


10.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 11)
2013 Record: 5-3 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 8: W vs Dallas, 30-31
Week 9: BYE
Fez: This is what happens when you challenge Megatron. As you probably know, Dez Bryant stated that there was nothing Calvin Johnson could do that he couldn’t. Hey, Dez? What about 329 receiving yards in one game? What about controlling his own emotions and not crying like a freaking baby? Oh well. Kudos to Matthew Stafford for fooling EVERYONE at the goal line. Taking a line from last season: YOUR BALLS DON’T FREAKING FIT IN YOUR PANTS!!!

TJ: I called it. Last week I said the Lions would beat the Cowboys and make it to the top 10. It doesn’t get any better than that. As you’re about to see in the Cowboys section, I never had a doubt in my mind. And yeah, Stafford’s final play will be up there with Dan Marino’s fake-spike-TD-Pass against the Jets many years ago. Still, it was given away to them by my man Monte Kiffin who kept calling Cover-2 coverage when everybody knew the Lions would pass it to the sidelines, but still.


11.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 12)
2013 Record: 4-3 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: at Green Bay (MNF)
Fez: They say you never fully get to know someone. In one of our everyday chats, TJ revealed that he’s looking to upgrade his car. This would be irrelevant, save for the fact that I learned that the co-author of these Power Rankings drives automatic. I’m still gathering information to debunk the rumor that he once hung out with his in-town best buddy at a bar, and a flower vendor asked his buddy if he wanted to get his lady a rose, to which the buddy replied: “Oh, that’s not my lady… he just drives automaticâ€￾.

TJ: Really? Last year when you visited I drove you around town, and kept asking you to shift gears for me. You didn’t realize it was an automatic? (ZING!!). I don’t know why I keep giving you the task of coming up with the rankings, you’re not very bright. Yes, I’m upgrading my car…turns out Fiat’s maintenance keeps getting expensive as years go by, and it’s stupid to keep throwing money at an old car. Kind of like the Bears with Jay Cutler. Sure, he can be reliable and can take you to places with no problem, but once it breaks down you start to suffer. Do they give him an extension (keep paying for maintenance), or just look for another QB (upgrade)? Do the right thing, Bears. Don’t be foolish.


12.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 13)
2013 Record: 4-3 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: at Washington
TJ: With so many teams getting byes this week, it gets harder to come up with something to say about every team. What can we say about the Chargers? Make a joke about the ghost of Norv still hanging around? Or maybe Phillip Rivers going for an 8th kid so someday he can have 4 of his sons playing in the NFL and beat Archie Manning’s record as the ultimate NFL Dad? What about Manti Te’o and his fake girlfriend? Nope…we’ve said it all. I give up…Fez, do you have anything?

Fez: Well the Chargers are the easiest team to move to L.A., if Herr Goodell is really trying to get a team there, and not using it as leverage to force cities to build tax-payer funded stadia. For all the crap we give (and rightfully so) to the Jaguars for failing to fill half the stands in their place, the Chargers are getting a free pbutt. I mean, they’re in contention! They have their franchise QB (a hopeless butthole, but they have him!). Oh, who am I kidding. If I lived in San Diego, with that kick-ass weather, hot chicks and a hundred stuff to do, I wouldn’t be overpaying for tickets to watch a fringe playoffs team, either. Moving on.


13.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 10)
2013 Record: 4-4 (1st in NFC East)
Week 8: L at Detroit, 30-31
Week 9: vs Minnesota
Fez:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddbfIBG6tEo"]Cowboys vs. Lions 2013 Dez Bryant gets heated on the sideline with teammates - YouTube[/ame]

Glorious!!! First take a look at the T.O.-ish way Dez Bryant explodes. Then look at Ramiro’s face, making it seem as if he’s thinking to call Morpheus to report a glitch in the Matrix. Then Kyle Orton and his even more ridiculous mullet slapping Dez in the butt as if saying “chill out baby, I got your back, wait until they give me a chance and I’ll force all the throws on you!!â€￾. Then look at poor Witten making an out-of-this-world effort to avoid punching Dez in the face. Finally, DeMarcus Ware steps in and calms him down by threatening to take away his Wii and rolling back his bedtime to 8:30.

TJ: I know 95% of you haven’t read a thing, and just scrolled down looking for my latest rant about the Cowboys. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I won’t rant this time, and maybe I won’t anymore (And if that costs us all 18 of our readers so be it). I mean, I’ve said it all, right? How many times have I opened the Cowboys section with “I’m not even madâ€￾? At least 4, I’m pretty sure…one for every loss this year. And I’m not even mad!! I knew we were doomed the minute the Lions got the ball back with one minute left. I just knew it. It’s the kind of thing that happens when you root for this team for too long. During the World Series, I read articles about “the Cardinal wayâ€￾; how that team keeps being good during so much time, that seeing them in the Series feels, well, normal. Well, this is the Cowboy way: Turning an easy win into a classic loss, and making it look normal. I just wished DeMarcus Ware had snitch-slapped Dez Bryant who was throwing a tantrum that would make Terrell Owens proud. Anyway, I’m updating my preview on the Cowboys: They’ll win the division with 7-9, six division wins plus the Rams win, then get destroyed by the 49ers in the Wild Card. It will be a fuuuuuun winter!! That’s the Cowboy way.


14.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 16)
2013 Record: 3-4 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: at Cleveland
TJ: Another bye team? Ugh…let’s see…Joe Flacco’s lost eliteness, Terrell Suggs snitching about being the least respected Defending Champion ever (you’re 3-4!!! And you want respect? Baby please!!), Fez whining about Jerome Boger giving them the Lombardi, Ray Lewis on TV…hey!! I got it!! The Harbaugh thanksgiving party!! No? Already done? Well, it sucks.

Fez: I’m a wiki maniac. From time to time, I perform searches on Wikipedia, aiming to read about specific topics, and read them over and over again. My topics: Hitler (don’t ask), WWII in general; Mussolini; and NFL referees. I’ve done my part to learn the names of all the current head refs; there’s Mike Carey, Big Guns Ed, Ron Winter, Gene Steratore… I find it hard to believe that the league can’t find a more competent one than freaking Jerome Boger to officiate primetime games. Why, because he’s black? Mike Carey is black!! Why do they insist on torturing me?


15.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 15)
2013 Record: 3-4 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 8: L at New England, 17-27
Week 9: vs Cincinnati (TNF)
TJ: Oh, Dolphins. You had a golden chance of catching up with the Patriots in the division, and you laid an egg, causing the dolphins fans in our whatsapp group to have yet another meltdown. One of them went as far as declaring “it will take 20 more years to turn this thing aroundâ€￾. And you thought I overreacted to the Cowboys collapses (back when I stupidly didn’t see them coming). I still think they’re on the right track, you don’t simply go to Foxboro, show up, and win these days, you should know it. Let’s have a little patience, shall we?

Fez: The funny part was then they were bragging about edging the Pats 17-3, just to come back to earth and read their TJ-style meltdowns. Some of them are even crapting on Ryan Tannehill, unlike the Phins fan we’ve got here reading and giving us feedback every week. That last guy tells us RT is the only reason why Miami is even competitive… but then I look at the cold numbers and I see a sub-80 QB rating. I don’t know what to believe anymore.


16.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 20)
2013 Record: 4-4 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 8: W vs Atlanta, 13-27
Week 9: BYE
Fez: Remember that Forrest Gump beat the odds and became a successful businessman, co-owning the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.? I feel like this is Carson Palmer after half a season and staying at .500; how does this even happen? He even was sacked “onlyâ€￾ thrice, which is staggeringly low by his own standards. There was no need to shout “RUN CARSON, RUN!!!â€￾ this time, and that is a disgrace, because it makes writing this column a lot less fun. I’m missing the old Carson Palmer already.

TJ: The FREE LARRY FITZGERALD campaign is working!! On Sunday, I read a headline about the Cards looking to trade Fitz in the next offseason, while he’s still on his prime. It’s just too bad my Cowboys are perpetually in salary cap hell, and cannot afford him…which come to think about it, it’s a good thing, since Jerry would trade our next 25 first round picks to take the guy. I guess my fantasies about Fitz, Dez, and Terrance Williams in the slot will never be fulfilled. Right up there with Russell Wilson at QB and Sean Payton coaching them. Now THAT is fantasy football, my friends.


17.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 19)
2013 Record: 4-3 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 8: W at Tampa Bay, 31-13 (TNF)
Week 9: vs Atlanta
Fez: I’m confused. It’s one thing to see a new attitude in Ron Rivera’s coaching and approach on gamedays, it’s entirely different to even be wondering if the Panthers are a “goodâ€￾ team. Excuse me? As the resident Mediocre Game Manager hater who has sung the same tune the whole year (the Chiefs being undefeated thanks to a Div I-AA level schedule), I have to use the same argument here. How is beating NYG, MIN, STL and TB even remarkable? That’s a combined 6 -24 combined record! Enough with the nonsense, mainstream media. They may get another cupcake next week vs Ramiro Ice and the hapless Falcons, but see you in two weeks.

TJ: Well, when you’re right you’re right…and consistent. Good for you, Fezzy!! Just remember they still lost to Buffalo. The Panthers are the typical team that beats bad teams, and looks bad against good teams, laying eggs here and there, like in the Buffalo game. I don’t know if that will be enough to save Ron Rivera’s job, but it’s worth the shot.


18.- New York Jets (Last Week: 14)
2013 Record: 4-4 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 8: L at Cincinnati, 9-49
Week 9: vs New Orleans
TJ: Talk about crashing back to earth with a bang. And no, it’s not intended as a pun with the Jets name, although it works, I think it’s tasteless and too easy. And to make things worse, they get the red-hot Saints next week at home, so it won’t be pretty. The Saints will be safe as number 1 for at least one more week. No bold upset predictions this time. Now let’s see if someone is dumb enough to bet with our resident Saints fan next week…Fez?

Fez: Why are you turning to me when anything Saints-related pops up? I remind you that I’ve been a 49er fan ever since I got to know the game, I grew up watching Steve Young (sparingly, because we didn’t have Cable TV back then, but still); the only things I can recall about the Saints is the Ricky Williams trade and the idiotic bounty case. LEAVE ME ALONE, TJ!!! I’M NOT MOVING TO MEXICO CITY!!! I WASN’T FLIRTING!!! I DON’T WANT TO TAKE A NUMBER!!! **sigh** Sorry, guys.


19.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 18)
2013 Record: 3-4 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: at St. Louis
TJ: If writing about the Titans is tough as it is, now imagine after their bye week!! But I got something. With Chris Johnson on a bye, and Doug Martin injured, I had to be creative in fantasy, so I dug into my bench and started Giovani Bernard who only gave me two freakin’ points despite the Bengals scoring 49 on the Jets. I must be the unluckiest fantasy football player ever. Watch as I bench Bernard again just to see him score three TDs next week. It’s only fitting.

Fez: Sigh, another fantasy football rant by TJ. Let’s all nod our heads, give him a condescending smile, a “there, thereâ€￾, and let’s all leave him alone in his misery. Hey, TJ? I know your pain. There, there. Is it just me, or Mike Munchak is a sleeper in the “coaching hot seatâ€￾ poll? Looked up his numbers: 9-7, 6-10 and the current 3-4. Very few coaches get 4 years to turn things around (most of them get 3) and the Titans can’t seem to click well enough to make a run at the divisional leaders. I don’t know, my unemployed-coach-o-meter is giving me mixed reads on him.


20.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 17)
2013 Record: 3-5 (4th in AFC East)
Week 8: L at New Orleans, 17-35
Week 9: vs Kansas City
TJ: There they go…the once promising Buffalo Bills headed to yet another season where they’ll fall short. While the Chiefs of Panthers of the world get cupcake schedules, the Bills have to face the Saints and Chiefs in back-to-back weeks with a 4th string QB, and the Chiefs game is in the loudest stadium in the world. How is that fair? And to think they’re just a bad hit on Tad Lewis away from seeing the immortal Matt Flynn running to the field…haven’t Bills fans suffered enough?

Fez: No, they haven’t. They have to finish dead last in their division, only to draft another QB like that butthole Johnny Manziel next year, or give E.J. Manuel a chance to develop, get better, wait until the Patriots start fading, take over the division over the Jets and the Dolphins (while we never heard the end of it in our WhatsApp group conversation) and lose 4 Superbowls in a row… hey, wait a second…


21.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 23)
2013 Record: 3-5 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 8: L at Kansas City, 17-23
Week 9: vs Baltimore
TJ: Is it just me or is Jason Campbell just competent enough to win one or two meaningless games down the road, ruining the Browns’ chances of landing Teddy Bridgewater, and getting them yet another bust? If I’m Coach Chuzzdzizdzizkidizkdizkdidki, I switch back to Brandon Weeden, and never look back. Stick to the original plan, Brownies!! Sure, HOYER THE DESTROYER gave you a little flash of hope, but who honestly thinks he can keep it up once he gets healthy? Would you gamble on it? After 15 years of Quarterback putridity? Yeah, I thought so…

Fez: Jason Campbell!! I thought he was dead!! Or starring in the CFL (at this point I don’t know what would be worse, but I digress)!! Anyway, as an avid profootballtalk.com reader (I don’t bother creating an account and posting, I hate the trolls over there), I chuckled at the nickname given to Brandon Weeden from a Browns fan: “We Doneâ€￾. Simply brilliant. But because they’re the Browns, they will not finish with the #1 pick, obviously, so they’ll miss out on Teddy Bridgewater. The consolation prize? *drum roll* Johnny Manziel!!! Who’s up for reliving the Ryan Leaf era? Poor Browns.


22.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 26)
2013 Record: 3-4 (4th in AFC West)
Week 8: W vs Pittsburgh, 18-21
Week 9: vs Philadephia
TJ: Well, maybe Al Davis was on to something when he wasted (as everybody said back then) a third round pick in the supplemental draft to get Terrelle Pryor. That 93-yard scramble was amazing to watch (don’t mind the fact that the Steelers defense is as old as their defensive coordinator). With the Chiefs and Broncos in the top of the world, the Chargers not being an incompetent team anymore, and the Raiders playing like this, the AFC West might be the best division in the league in the next few years. How about that?

Fez: Pryor finally gave them that Colin-Kaepernick-ish feel to Raiders fans. The bad news is that the coaching is nowhere as good as San Francisco’s so Pryor will have to make double effort to develop from the current regime (and probably from the next one, too!). If you want an advice (and why would I do that? They’re the rivals from across the Bay!), don’t sell the farm; keep Pryor healthy, be patient with him; start building that line; trade the Arkansas product Darren McFadden to Jerry Pls for forty seven first round picks once DeMarco Murray goes down again, and voilà! Contenders right there!


23.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 25)
2013 Record: 2-5 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 8: L at Denver, 21-45
Week 9: vs San Diego
Fez: Man, and I thought the Eagles Burp Defense was terrible. 38 unanswered points allowed, 31 of them on the 4th quarter alone. What the hell? And what’s with the poor protection they’re giving to Bob Griffin? More games like this and he’ll soon be known as “R-No-Kneesâ€￾. Two more notes: Captain Kirk, I’m thoroughly disappointed. And how about Pierre Garçon, what a sick catch:

[ame="http://www.nfl.com/videos/washington-redskins/0ap2000000270871/Pierre-Garcon-s-one-handed-catch"]Pierre Garcon's one-handed catch - NFL Videos[/ame]

TJ: Me and my hair loved every minute of that 4th quarter. They played the Broncos tough in the first three, but the wheels came off when RGIII went down. At least he got hit in the good knee, and apparently, he’ll live to play another week. Still, at 2-5, being one and a half games out of first place still makes me a little nervous. Ohh…Captain Kirk going full Romo was fun to watch. How’s that plan of trading him to get something back of what you gave away to get RGIII working, oh, Ultimate Leader? LOL


24.- New York Giants (Last Week: 28)
2013 Record: 2-6 (4th in NFC East)
Week 8: W at Philadelphia, 15-7
Week 9: BYE
Fez: Guess who’s back? That’s right, Eli Manning: fantasy football killer. Having a tough decision after the wheels came off the Nickfoleon Dynamite bandwagon, I decided to go with Eli over The Red Rifle (why even spend a first round pick to trade for Dalton? I don’t know). I had high hopes Eli would come back to life by virtue of feasting on the Burp Defense. Of course that choice killed me; had I gone with The Ginger Stinger, I would’ve won. These are the reasons why my dynasty league is 3-5 now.

TJ: I thought you meant Peyton Hillis!! He’s back and will probably make the cover of Madden 15 at this point. Anyway, only in the NFC East you can be afraid of a team that started 0-6, but still sits only two games behind in the division. Yes, the New York Football Giants cannot just be discarded in such an awful division. Would anyone even blink if they run the table, win the division, and crawl their way to yet another Super Bowl? I totally expect that to happen now!! And no, this is not a lame attempt at a reverse jinx or anything. I’m totally serious.


25.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 21)
2013 Record: 2-5 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 8: L at Arizona, 13-27
Week 9: at Carolina
Fez: SIXTY ONE PBUTT ATTEMPTS!!! FOUR INTERCEPTIONS!!! My god, we may have come up short by calling Matt Ryan “Ramiro Iceâ€￾. How did the Falcons even fall apart like this? I mean, last season they seemed like a juggernaut (one who couldn’t stop the run, but still), and next thing you know, they’re losing to Carson Palmer, allowing Andre Ellington (WHO?!) to rush for over 150 yards on them… I’ve never felt so silly about a preseason prediction, but that’s exactly how I feel when I see S-Jax’s numbers (11 carries, 6 yards) and remembering I praised his signing, stating that he could’ve given the team a boost in their running game. *facepalm*

TJ: Well, every team is hit by injuries one way or the other, but what happened to the Falcons this year is ridiculous. Their top 2 WRs out just like that, so I can’t really blame them. How can they have depth when they traded a crapload of picks to move up and get Julio? It’s the same that happened to the Redskins when RGIII went down. I still feel bad for my boy Tony G…coming back to this mess, and refusing to jump ship. Too bad, really.


26.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 22)
2013 Record: 3-5 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 8: L vs New York Giants, 15-7
Week 9: at Oakland
Fez: At the current pace, Chip Kelly is going to be out the door faster than Bobby Petrino. Remember when Petrino quit after 13 weeks and only left a letter in the locker room to let the players know that he was gone? Those were the days. Which got me thinking, what would be the most disgraceful and ridiculous way to let your team know that you quit? Tweeting it? A facebook status? You know what? Petrino will never be topped. Oh well, that will teach the Eagles a lesson: never hire a man who calls himself “Chipâ€￾ and only left his college team (where he was treated like a god) because he was about to get the sanction hammer stuck up his butt.

TJ: I called on that Chip Kelly Scenario in my worst possible scenario for the Eagles in the season preview. And quitting via twitter seems like a not so crazy idea to me!! Someone should try it in the future, just to see what happens. Anyway, I know I already made fun of the Burp offense last week, but for the second straight game, the Eagles were held to less than 10 points against a subpar defense. How amazing is that? And to make matters worse for them, Mike Vick says he has the “worst hamstring injuryâ€￾ of his life, Nick Foles hasn’t been cleared to play, and they will probably go with Matt Barkley against the Raiders. Sometimes I love this season!!

Fez: Let’s all remember that Matt Barkley is a USC product. Quarterbacks from that school haven’t really had good luck in the league: here’s a sample: Mark Sanchez, Carson Palmer, Sean Salisbury, Rodney Peete, Rob Johnson, The Absolutely and Awesomely named John David Booty, Todd Marijuanovich… what a murderer’s row!!! If we didn’t know any better, we’d guess those are the names of the QBs whom Alex Smith has faced this season. Given the season from hell in Philly, when will it be a good time to pass the torch from Carson Palmer to Matt Barkley? Doesn’t “RUN MATT, RUN!!!â€￾ have a nice ring to it?


27.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 24)
2013 Record: 2-5 (4th in AFC North)
Week 8: L at Oakland, 18-21
Week 9: at New England
TJ: This team looks, and there’s no other way to say it, OLD. Especially on defense. I mean, losing to the Raiders? Well, they are not the laughingstock we expected them to be back in august, but still. Things have got so bad that they’re even below the Browns in the standings!! Did anyone see it coming? This has beaten my worst case scenario for them by a thousand miles. Wow.

Fez: Just so you know, Ben Rapethlisberger is 31 years old. Is he young enough for the Steelers to go through a rebuilding process and have one last shot at a third ring? Anyway, yeah… they’re old. When Troy Polamalu tried to run down Terrelle Pryor, it looked like a big tumbleweed rolling across the field. It goes against everything on their proud history, but the Steelers need to bottom out, there is no use to keep trying to win 7 games so they can draft out of the top 10 next year.


28.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 27)
2013 Record: 2-5 (3rd in AFC South)
Week 8: BYE
Week 9: vs Indianapolis (SNF)
TJ: Schaub just happened to Schaub. He’s healthy enough to play now, but the Chase Kenum era is here to stay. At least for the short term future. I guess it’s easy to land the Texans starting gig when all you have to do is not throw pick-sixes. I guess Kubiak’s last hope is that this switch is the same as what Jim Harbaugh did last year, when he sent Alex Smith to hell to start Kaepernick. And I’m sure NBC can’t wait for the flex schedules, now that the Texans will get yet another prime time game in which they’ll get smoked. This logic behind picking prime time games is flawed, there’s always a division champion that regresses badly the following year.

Fez: They’re from Texas. They will keep getting primetime games like the Cowboys, even in their darkest years. Now, everyone seems to be tending to act like NBA teams, where they trade assets for future draft picks, even though that wasn’t the case throughout the years. Is it just me, or does trading away Ben Tate make too much sense for the Texans? Or am I overreacting and the Texans are a good QB away from getting back in contention?


29.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 29)
2013 Record: 3-5 (4th in NFC West)
Week 8: L vs Seattle, 14-9 (MNF)
Week 9: vs Tennessee
Fez: When a season like the Rams’ is getting ugly, you get what you can gather. For instance, the city of St. Louis made history by being the first one to have more citizens watching its baseball team than its football team. Sure, it was the World Series’ game 4, but come on, the MLB is the NFL’s ugly cousin. That shouldn’t happen, especially when the rest of the country and the worldwide audience are paying more attention to the football game. That’s what you get for teasing The Tebow AND for trying to keep the NFL fanbase misery alive by giving The Icon #4 a call, Rams. Shame on you.

TJ: Not only did they teased The Tebow, or tortured all of us with that Favre call, but they ended up signing Brady Quinn and starting Kellen Clemens on Monday Night!! Even Vince Young made the headlines this week wondering out loud why he didn’t get any calls when starting QBs started going down. Well, I have your answer, Vince boy. You started for Jeff Fisher in Tennessee…and had him fired after 16 years in the job. And you expected him to call you? They’re right. You’re not a smart man.

Fez: By the way, I have few rules in life, and this is one of them: if I’m about to pull an upset on the divisional leader, at home, on a primetime game, and my QB is Kellen Clemens, there is no way I’m giving him the ball on 4th and goal at the 1-yard line. Just punch it in, push that weak Seahawks DL backwards. It’s not rocket science. Maybe there’s a reason why Jeff Fisher’s career W-L record is barely over .500.


30.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 30)
2013 Record: 1-6 (4th in in NFC North)
Week 8: L vs Green Bay, 44-31 (SNF)
Week 9: at Dallas
Fez: Poor Vikings. They could start Freeman, they could keep giving Ponder the ball, they could stick with Cassel (who gave them their only win this year, may I add), and it still wouldn’t matter. Hell, they could put them all three in a giant blender to create a Frankenstein-like creature named Mashtian Freendel (which sounds like a QB the Browns could absolutely draft in the first round) and they would still be at the bottom of the barrel. I found it funny that after halftime, NBC reported that Leslie Frazier didn’t have a QB change in his mind; of course he didn’t, it’s hard to think of these scrubs’ names when you’re updating your resumé.

TJ: All right, time to start the FREE ADRIAN PETERSON bandwagon, and fast. Running backs age in dog years, and Peterson is a couple of years away of being washed up, so he totally deserves to play for a contender. The Vikings really are a mess, and they’re close to hitting the RESET button, and getting rid of Frazier and all 34 QBs on their roster, so it seems fair. Do it now, Vikings!! Know that if Jerry Jones had any cap room he already would have offered you a crapload of picks, to balance how they rip you off in the Herschell Walker deal.


31.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 31)
2013 Record: 0-7 (4th in NFC South)
Week 8: L vs Carolina, 31-13 (TNF)
Week 9: at Seattle
Fez: As businessmen, I think the Glazers are doing the right decision here. Schibutthole is a goner, right? We all can agree with that. Bringing in a new coach at this point won’t change anything, so might as well save the mon… aw, who cares? The Glazers are terrible. And the FO isn’t any better. All that money spent on the secondary and no wins. By the way, I enjoyed Greg Schibutthole’s quote to his players: “you’re stuck with meâ€￾. Nice!!! Only such a moron would make it sound like he’s a kidnapper. And you wonder why the Bucs have a “quit on their coachâ€￾ feel on them. On the bright side, he’s had plenty of opportunities to practice his bush league move of disrupting opposing victory formations… oh, wait, teams are doing it out of the shotgun. Scratch that.

TJ: Yeah, here I was thinking they were only doing it in one-possession games, but the Bucs were down by 18 and tried it anyway. Talk about being an butthole. Let’s see what happens when a lineman gets hurt after trying to rush the Seahawks’ victory formation next week, when they’re down by 30. And kudos to whoever bought the 19 billboards and put “FIRE SCHIANOâ€￾ signs all over the city. It must feel great driving to work, and seeing them one after the other. But hey!! You’re stuck with me, right?




32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
2013 Record: 0-8 (4th in AFC South)
Week 8: L vs San Francisco, 42-10 (in London)
Week 9: BYE (Mercifully)
TJ: I’m running out of jokes about the Jaguars. Even Fez confessed to me last night that he was struggling to come up with a bible verse. And we’re only half way through the season!! And they have a bye next week!! Is it too early to make an “at least this time they didn’t loseâ€￾ joke? Did I just burn it? Oh, crap…well, raise to hear reverend Fez, blah, blah, blah…see you next week…

Fez:
And The Tebow spoke to Gus, saying,
“Speak to the people of London and say to them, I am The Tebow Your God.
You shall not cover the stands as they do in the land of J-Ville,
where you lived, and you shall not leave early as they do in the land of L.A.,
to which I am bringing you.
You shall not wear paperbags.
You shall follow my lead and keep me in your fantasy team, mates!
I am The Tebow your God. You shall not let other teams tease me
by calling and not signing me; therefore keep my stadium full and follow my words;
if a wanker does them, he shall live by them: I am The Tebow.â€￾
Leviticus 18:1-5 (the Rams’ call to him lasted 18 minutes, until they realized they’d be 1-5 with The Tebow)

Virgin Timmy Full of Grace, pray for them!

TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. He spends his football season weekends in peace, knowing that the police found Colin Kaepernick’s balls and reattached them back to his cover-man body.
Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.

 

Thanks for the feedback. :icon_cheesygrin: Yeah, I'll have to pay more attention to the Cards games. Chip Kelly may not have a lot of patience to start a permanent "RUN MATT, RUN!!!" campaign.

 

Steelers are lower than 27. Please adjust that next week. Thank You.

 

I would, but I can't get over the fact that they are not:

*Starting Case Keenum at QB.
*Starting Kellen Clemens at QB.
*Starting Mashtian Freendel at QB.
*Being coached by Greg Schibutthole.
*The Jaguars.

lol

 

I demand they be lower than the Vikings!!!

 

KC should still be #1, IMHO.