Fez & TJ NFL Power Rankings. Season Preview Edition

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by TJ, Sep 1, 2013.

  1. TJ

    TJ Dez Caught It

    Fez can’t get over lousy sportswriters boring him to death. TJ consults Miss Cleo and Miss Bizarro Cleo. Football is finally here! It’s Fez and TJ’s Power Rankings, Season Preview Edition!

    TJ: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 Season Preview Edition of Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings, presented by Gridironfans.com. I’ll start things by telling you that during the preseason Fezzy and I had been discussing great plans for this season’s columns, starting with a joint twitter account, a logo, maybe a sponsor (yeah, right)…but as the procrastinators and slackers that we are, we’ll probably do none of those things. Anyway, for this edition, I’m trying to do a “best/worst case scenarioâ€￾ for each team, so I’m pretty much giving you two previews: the optimistic, and the cynical butthole preview. Let’s see how many teams I can make like that before I get tired and start half-assing entries (don’t worry, Fez will call me out when that happens with his latest sexual fantasy).

    Fez: I’m SO glad the season begins this week. I’ll tell you why: It’s no secret to our few readers that both TJ and I are big fans of Bill Simmons, and thus, we consume pretty much whatever there is on his website on a daily basis. Unfortunately, Simmons is a big shot now and barely writes anymore, to the point TJ began referring to him as a podcaster, instead of a writer. Anyway, apparently, Simmons’ pet is some dude named Bill Barnwell, and he had the duty of writing most of the football-related columns in the offseason. You know what I HATED? All and each one of his pieces had the same tone: “x team will probably improve/regress because of y and z obscure advanced stat I spent researching for three hours, so instead of writing something that will catch the attention of the readers I will throw a wall of numbers at them!! They’ll love it!!â€￾

    The hilarious part? The first time I called Barnwell out on Twitter, stating his material was “boringâ€￾, he just… blocked me. I know, right? No answer, no rebuttal, just a block and that was that. Then, I just thought about it… and for some odd reason, I kept picturing Mr. Barnwell in a Grantland cubicle with a bag of Lays, researching stats from football-reference.com for hours, and drawing his own conclusions from who-knows-where. And then, one day Toy Story 2 was on TV, and, well…

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    Thanks, football, for coming back to our lives. Is it too much to ask that you bring back the Bill Simmons that TJ and I love? Ugh, sorry for venting. Here are your Power Rankings, peeps!

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    1.- San Francisco 49ers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 1)
    2012 Record: 11-4-1 (NFC West Champions, Lost Superbowl vs Baltimore)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Green Bay

    Fez: I have to admit I kind of pushed the panic button when I learned about Crabtree’s injury. With him and Mario Manningham out, the Niners WR corps was suddenly less attractive than Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. And then, preseason happened, rookies TE Vance McDonald and WR Quinton Patton showed what they can do, then our backups beat the living crap out of the Chargers backups… and you know what? The webpage for the 53-man roster is only missing the Brazzers logo, because I surely feel like touching myself after seeing how deep this team is. Now if you excuse me, here’s TJ’s take on the Niners. Meanwhile I’ll take a… ahem… bathroom break.

    TJ: I’ll take this opportunity to remind our readers that Fez makes about 95% of the rankings, so it was totally expected to see him rank his 49ers in first place. And as I said in our training camp edition, I’m totally fine with it. I even took four San Francisco players in my first fantasy draft last Wednesday (more on that below), including the one, the only, Colin Kaepernick. Now, considering my track record in fantasy football (once again, refer to our Training camp edition for the details), you wouldn’t think I’m trying to jinx these buttholes or something, would you? Come on, I’m better than that!! (Psst!! I’m not).

    If everything goes right: The 49ers continue their dominance in the NFC, Kaepernick becomes the best QB in the history of mankind, Coach Harbaugh fist fights at least one opposing coach during the season, and the 49ers cruise to a 14-2 record and #1 seed while Fez makes sure I’ll never ever ever EVER hear the end of it. Good times!!!

    If everything goes wrong: TJ’s fantasy curse continues and Kaep goes down or proves that last season was the ultimate fluke, the Seahawks beat them twice and win the division, and they struggle to get 8 or 9 wins while trying to sneak to the playoffs. Alex Smith gets the last laugh, and Fez starts doing hard drugs by December. Wait…did I say “wrongâ€￾? I love this scenario!! 9-7, 2nd place NFC West.

    Fez: How dare you… trade Kaep now!

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    2.- Seattle Seahawks (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 2)
    2012 Record: 11-5 (2nd in NFC West, Lost in NFC Divisional Game at Atlanta)
    Preseason record: 4-0
    Week 1: at Carolina

    Fez: I can’t fight it anymore. Ever since the season ended, we’ve heard how the cheaters are the next best thing, how twinky Sherman is better at life than Skip Bayless (newsflash, you drugged up dummy, who isn’t?), how they’ll win the Superbowl and John Schneider is a perfect talent evaluator… I give up, here, you’ve earned this:

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    You can put that one in your trophy case, next to the 42-13 game trophy. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t get one for that game, failed to win the division AND didn’t even make it to the NFCCG. Shut the heck up already.

    TJ: It got so crowded on the Russell Wilson bandwagon that I almost got off and started a new bandwagon…the Jeff Tuel bandwagon. Then I remembered I really don’t care either way, and returned to my seat. I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!

    If everything goes right: The Seahawks continue with their momentum from last season, Russell Wilson plays out of his mind and suddenly he’s included in the MVP conversation, Sherman proves (adderall or not) that he’s the best defensive back in the league, and they edge the 49ers for the division title with 12 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Principal Goodell grows tired of this crap and starts suspending Sherman and other Seahawks players, we are reminded that Pete Carroll is an awful Head Coach, the Russell Wilson bandwagon crashes and burns while I try to put the pieces together, but they still get 8 wins because they’re still one of the few teams with a home field advantage. They decide to try again next year. 8-8, 3rd place.

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    3.- Denver Broncos (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 3)
    2012 Record: 13-3 (AFC West Champions, Lost in NFC Divisional Game vs Baltimore)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: vs Baltimore (TNF)

    TJ: John Elway went on record the other day, stating that “he was jealous of the weapons Peyton Manning has, since he never got them himselfâ€￾. Somewhere in Georgia, Terrell Davis must be crying in the bathroom.

    If everything goes right: This one’s easy. 12 or 13 wins, No. 1 seed in the AFC. In fact, the Broncos are my Super Bowl pick. But my brother (Broncos fan) must never know about that, ok? In the Super Bowl, they take revenge from the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIV and destroy them 63-3 while Fez throws boiling water at his face after the 5th TD pbutt.

    If everything goes wrong: Peyton Manning quits football and joins his brother’s musical career (more on that later), or maybe his neck gives in…who knows. The Broncos never recover from a bad start after missing Von Miller, end up with 8 wins and miss the playoffs.

    Fez: Forget Terrell Davis… Rod Smith, Ed McCaffrey and Shannon Sharpe just called, John. They want their dignity back. Are we really going to compare this group to freaking Demaryius Thomas, Wes Welker and a RB carousel? Textbook case of self-patting on the back, and a lame attempt at pimping himself up as the executive of the year. Please. I’m not buying it, and neither should you, TJ. You know why? Two words: Elvis Dumervil.

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    4.- Atlanta Falcons (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 4)
    2012 Record: 13-3 (NFC South Champions, Lost in NFC Championship Game vs San Francisco)
    Preseason record: 0-4
    Week 1: at New Orleans

    Fez: Shout-out to the Falcons for giving embattled LB Brian Banks a shot at achieving his dream of playing in the NFL. And when he didn’t make the 53-man roster, owner Arthur Blank offered him a position in the organization. Pure class, I can’t mock a team like this for… about a week.

    TJ: Last February Tony Gonzalez was “97% retiredâ€￾, and eventually came back. If he pulls that crap again this year, I’m putting him in the “Favre zoneâ€￾. Make your decision and stick with it, god dammit!!

    If everything goes right: The Falcons won’t miss a bit. They’ll win their division again, with 11 maybe 12 wins. Give a real fight at the 49ers. Maybe even beat them. They’ll get there eventually, right?

    If everything goes wrong: The “Screw everybodyâ€￾ season from the Saints causes that the Falcons can’t catch up with them, and end up fighting for a wild card, and yet another quick exit from the playoffs. 9 wins and that’s it.

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    5.- Green Bay Packers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 6)
    2012 Record: 11-5 (NFC North Champions, Lost in NFC Divisional Game at San Francisco)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at San Francisco

    Fez: With Bryan Bulaga on IR, Aaron Rodgers faces another long season of constant pressure. Of course this won’t stop him from making his team a contender, because, you know, actual good QBs thrive despite not having everything perfect around him. Are you listening, Alex Smith? What? I can’t take shots at him now that he’s gone? He made me miserable for 8 years, cut me some slack, come on!

    TJ: While writing these lines, Vince Young was cut by the Packers. I feel vindicated…again. If you read us back in ’06 (and if you did…why the hell are you still doing it?) I was trying to convince everybody that Vince Young sucked, that he was the most overrated player ever, that his technique was bad… and everybody told me to shut up and that “Vince Young just WINS FOOTBALL GAMES!!!â€￾. They even made me take all those things I said back. Well, where’s your hero now, uh? UH? Fortunately, we learned our lesson and didn’t allow the following star college QB with bad passing skills who pulled impossible wins out of his ass…well, most of us, anyway.

    If everything goes right: Are you kidding? Once again, the Packers will destroy everybody on their way to an expected match up with the 49ers in January. 13 wins, No. 2 seed. Will clinch the division by week 12 or something.

    If everything goes wrong: Even if things go wrong, the Packers are a great, great team. Unless Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury…then they’ll go south FAST, considering that their backup QB is B.J. Coleman. So that’s my worst case scenario…unless some former Packers QB raises his hand to replace him. Please, stay healthy Aaron!! Please!!! (6 wins at most if that happens).

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    6.- New England Patriots (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 5)
    2012 Record: 12-4 (AFC East Champions, Lost in AFC Championship Game vs Baltimore)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: at Buffalo

    TJ: As I write these lines, Tim Tebow was cut by the Patriots. Yeah, I know, why these things make headlines is something I’ll never totally understand. Guess Belichick couldn’t turn him to the Dark Side and still of kill him, decided to let him go.

    If everything goes right: Yet another Super Bowl run for Brady and Belichick, helped by an awful division they’ll clinch before Halloween. Not much to say. 12-13 wins, Brady in the MVP discussion, yada yada yada…same old, same old…

    If everything goes wrong: Bad karma for cutting Tebow catches them just like with the Jets after they cut him themselves (it doesn’t apply to the Broncos. They TRADED Tebow). Brady starts making bad plays, Belichick starts making bonehead decisions, and ESPN will run special programs to discuss whether their deal with the Devil expired, or God is just punishing them for that Tebow thing. Still, 7 to 9 wins.

    Fez: It was more like Darth Belichick couldn’t take it anymore. Is it any coincidence that the moment Tebow signed his contract, evil began taking its way out of Foxborough? First, Aaron Hernandez. Later on, Brady got a boo-boo in his knee and the Pats bandwagon was on red alert. Gronk’s setbacks? All Tebow’s work. Belichick may have won this time, but someday Tebow or one of his descendants will exorcise the heck out of the Patriots.

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    7.- Baltimore Ravens (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 8)
    2012 Record: 10-6 (AFC North Champions, Won the Superbowl at San Francisco)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: at Denver (TNF)

    TJ: Making them start the season on the road as Super Bowl Champions because of a baseball game is like making the President of a country give his “making the president state of the countryâ€￾ speech in his house instead of congress because of some teachers rioting…oh, wait a minute…

    If everything goes right: Will they repeat? I don’t think so. They lost too many players because you just CANNOT pass on giving the biggest contract in history to a QB who caught fire for a month and might never do it again…but I still see them winning their division and making a run. 11 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: They miss their two HOF defenders gone, Flacco goes back to normal, their defense becomes a mess... 7 wins.

    Fez: I hate it when TJ makes an inside joke that no ‘murican reader will understand. He’s talking about Mexican politics. I know, boring. Moving on… You know what’s so underrated? Vegas giving so little credit to the Ravens, to the point they’re 25-1 to win it all (contrary to my niners, who are “onlyâ€￾ 6-1). What am I missing? They got hot, they did lose two aging leaders but added some real talent. I might even convince myself to turn my back on the niners and place a small bid on Baltimore repeating. Bad idea, I know. Hopefully CB Jimmy Williams can take a plane to Mexico to “holdâ€￾ me back (and not get called for it).

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    8.- Houston Texans (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 7)
    2012 Record: 12-4 (AFC South Champions, Lost in AFC Divisional Game at New England)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: at San Diego (MNF)

    TJ: Their days of taking advantage of a weak AFC South seem to be over, and their window is slowly closing. The defense will once again carry this team…but beware…Arian Foster was exploited last year and it might catch up with him eventually. I’ve read a few articles with boring stats about what happens to RBs after a season with 300+ carries. Maybe Fez knows more about that…

    If everything goes right: It doesn’t matter. They can’t play with the big guys. But yeah, let’s see…they’ll win their division with 12 wins again. They’ll beat the Bengals in the first round again. And then lose the following round against either Denver or New England… again.

    If everything goes wrong: About the same… even if things go to hell, they can’t finish lower than 2nd in the division, can they? 8 or 9 wins… maybe a wildcard. Is there a more boring team than the Texans? Wait…don’t answer that…

    Fez: It’s kind of weird how every fantasy football player and their mothers are avoiding Arian Foster like the plague. I called it in the Training Camp edition, but I never expected it to be a big deal like this. People talking about drafting Doug Martin and CJ Spiller over him, nevermind that the immortal Jeff Tuel is getting the nod for Buffalo, and that the Bucs have a huge negative karma waiting to bite them in the butt. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Texans… uh, forget it. Let’s not waste our times and hard-earned money with them. Playoffs? Probably, yeah. That’s it.

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    9.- Indianapolis Colts (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 9)
    2012 Record: 11-5 (2nd in AFC South, Lost in AFC Wild Card Game at Baltimore)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: vs Oakland

    TJ: That was an inspiring story last year. Can they rally again? If you had told me that Andrew Luck would make Colts fans forget about Peyton Manning in less than a year, I would’ve sent you to a mental institution… but he did!! Now let’s see him do it again…

    If everything goes right: They dethrone the Texans at the top of the division with 11 wins, maybe a 1st round bye, but just like the Texans, they won’t be able to compete with the big guys. Divisional loss to either the Broncos or Patriots. Baby steps.

    If everything goes wrong: Luck suffers some sort of sophomore slump, the lack of running game finally catches up with them, they can’t recover the magic from last year’s #ChuckStrong…and they struggle to break .500 missing the playoffs.

    Fez: Luck won’t be getting help from the reigning coach of the year. Yup, the same coach of the year who fleed to take the AZ Cardinals job and is the author of this gem: “I don’t see the dominance that everybody else talks about. One of those teams (49ers and Seahawks) may be [dominant]. It still has to be played on Sunday.â€￾ You know, maybe it’s a good thing he left.

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    10.- Washington Redskins (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 10)
    2012 Record: 10-6 (NFC East Champions, Lost in NFC Wild Card game vs Seattle)
    Preseason record: 4-0
    Week 1: vs Philadelphia (MNF)

    Fez: I can’t be the only one annoyed by the RGIII soap opera, can I? The whole drama makes me sick. “OMG, will he be ready?â€￾ “OMG, I loved the All in for week 1 ad!â€￾, “OMG Operation Patience is complete!â€￾, “There are concerns about his knee, he shouldn’t take risksâ€￾… Who the hell cares? I guess you can pull it off since the Redskins have been irrelevant for so long and you need a hero… whatever. Next, please, I can’t stand attention tramps.

    TJ: It’s so hard to hate RGIII…I know I’m supposed to hate him…I mean, he’s the QB of my nemesis team!! But I…I…dammit, I’ll say it…I enjoy watching him play!!! And I feel sick and dirty about it!! Damn, do I hate this team…

    If everything goes right: RGIII pulls an Adrian Peterson and wins the comeback player of the year award, leads the Redskins to the division title, and a showdown with either Wilson or Kaepernick in the NFCCG. If it’s Kaep, I might go play out and in traffic that day.

    If everything goes wrong: Everybody realizes RGIII rushed his recovery, he’s just not the same, and Alfred Morris can’t carry the load anymore. The Redskins fall back down to earth, Shanahan is probably fired and Danny Snyder finally changes the name of the Franchise to the Washington Bureaucrats. Catchy, isn’t it? (4-5 wins).

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    11.- Cincinnati Bengals (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 11)
    2012 Record: 10-6 (2nd in AFC North, Lost in AFC Wild Card Game at Houston)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: at Chicago

    TJ: How many lives does Marvin Lewis have? First, he couldn’t make it to the playoffs and his seat heated up. Then he finally made it there, and it cooled off. Now he can’t make it out of the wild card round. Is 1-and-done in the playoffs enough to keep his job? No wonder why Bengals fans hate Mike Brown…

    If everything goes right: Another one and done in the playoffs? Yeah, probably…this is a young team that will never get to its full potential while Lewis is coaching them. This must be the year. The Steelers won’t stay bad forever…The Browns won’t be good… ever. It’s now or never. 10 wins, division title.

    If everything goes wrong: Lewis goes back to the good old days of botching time outs and mismanaging the clock badly… which will cause the Bengals to lose too many close games and barely make it to .500. But hey… at least Marvin might be fired this time… Stay tuned!!

    Fez: Add Andy Dalton to the list of embattled QBs I’m rooting for. Yeah, he’s in my closet of projects, right next to Nick Foles and Kirk Cousins. Traded for him in a fantasy dynasty league instead of just taking Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins in the rookie draft. In the words of the U.S. Marines: THIS IS MY RED RIFLE!!! THERE ARE NONE LIKE HIM (THANK GOD!), AND THIS ONE IS MINE!!!

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    12.- Minnesota Vikings (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 12)
    2012 Record: 10-6 (2nd in NFC North, Lost in NFC Wild Card Game at Green Bay)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at Detroit

    Fez: What about the Vikings, uh? Think they can get over the hump with those 3 first rounders they got this year? Cordarrelle Patterson seems like the real deal, but what gives if Christian Ponder is out there, taking sacks, running like a chicken with its head off, dumping it off to Adrian Peterson because he’s too scared to turn the ball over? The sooner Minnesota admits this mistake, the better. It won’t help the fact that they don’t have a QB wizard to get him to play better. We shall see.

    TJ: … And they moved their backup from last year to WR!! He even made a few plays!! There’s no way AD keeps those numbers up…and if he does, I’ll take some of the stuff he’s taking. The jury is still out on the tastefully named Christian Ponder, but yeah… it doesn’t look good so far.

    If everything goes right: Ponder becomes a good QB (not great, just good), AD keeps doing his thing, the defense holds up… but is it enough to challenge the Packers for the division? Don’t think so… 9 maybe 10 wins and a wild card spot and that’s about it.

    If everything goes wrong: Ponder confirms he’s a bust. Time catches up with Peterson, but he still manages to get 1500 yards, the defense falls apart, Leslie Frazier is fired in new year’s and they have to start over. Not like there’s too much pressure, Ponder. 5 wins.

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    13.- New York Giants (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 13)
    2012 Record: 9-7 (2nd in NFC East)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at Dallas (SNF)

    Fez: Tough luck for the Giants, by losing RB Andre Brown to a broken leg. Now formerly-on-Coughlin’s-dog-house RB David Wilson has a tougher job and will need to step up to carry the team on the weekends Eli Manning would rather be watching football on his phone than throwing to his receivers. I wonder if there’s some advanced stat that can tell us the efficiency rate of a power runner coming off such injury. Barnwell? Can you help us?

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    Crap, he probably was tasked with another doubleheader. Be nice with him, Simmons.

    TJ: Maybe he read one of his columns. Anyway, are we sure Peyton and Elisha Manning are brothers? Their careers have been the exact opposite. One is great in the regular season, and falls apart in the playoffs, and the other one struggles in the regular season just to wake up and kill it in the postseason. So I totally expect the same from the G-Men.

    If everything goes right: They edge the Redskins for the division title with 10 or 11 wins and make a run in the playoffs. Then who knows…maybe Elisha turns it on again and wins another Super Bowl. I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

    If everything goes wrong: Some shark agent convinces Elisha Manning to quit football and launch his musical career. His first single “Football on your phoneâ€￾ goes platinum. He performs in the 2014 VMAs alongside Mylie Cyrrus. He keeps making millions of dollars long after his football career should’ve been over. Coughlin’s red face finally explodes, and the Giants struggle to get 4 or 5 wins.

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    14.- Chicago Bears (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 14)
    2012 Record: 10-6 (3rd in NFC North)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: vs Cincinnati

    Fez: The long-time nightmare is finally over!!! Now Smokin’ Jay Cutler can fear no danger on Sundays! The Bears decided to pull the plug on the J’Marcus Webb fiasco, and Chicago collectively screams “thank God!â€￾. We will remember Mr. Webb as an outstanding turnstile, the target of some of Smokin’ Jay’s tantrums, and this gold nugget:

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5W12cIivgc]Copy of Jay Cutler ties J'Marcus Webb's shoe - YouTube[/ame]

    J’Marcus Webb, everybody!

    TJ: Jay Cutler and his last chance. The Bears have delayed the extension talks to see what he can do now that he has an improved OL. If he hecks up again, he won’t have anybody to blame but himself. Still, that won’t stop him from yelling and screaming at his teammates in the sidelines when things go wrong.

    If everything goes right: Smokin’ Jay earns his new contract taking the Bears to the playoffs with 10 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Nothing. They win 7 or 8 games, and miss the playoffs again. Cutler becomes the new Jeff George, and turns into a journey man who will play for 5 different teams for the next 5 years, posting respectable numbers, but winning nothing.

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    15.- Dallas Cowboys (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 15)
    2012 Record: 8-8 (3rd in NFC East)
    Preseason record: 2-3
    Week 1: vs New York Giants (SNF)

    Fez: I’m sure I speak by 31/32’s of the NFL fan-bases when I say we thoroughly enjoy the circus that is the New York Jets. Uhm, why aren’t we making a bigger deal about the circus at Valley Ranch? Lame-duck coaches, plenty of undeserved media spotlight, high expectations shot down because of the worst anti-clutch QB ever, and the latest act: Jerry Pls’ doctor stating that the Cowboys owner has the brain of a 40-year old. Although that may not be as laughable, if we consider that Jerry Pls has rarely used his gray matter for almost 20 years. The lesson, as always: plastic surgery… not even once.

    TJ: Say what you want about the Cowboys, but at least they’re consistent!! They’re heading to their third straight 8-8 season, which means not good, but not bad either, right? RIGHT? Ramiro Romo will get to call his own plays now, which only gives us more chances to blame him for everything. And if he finally gets over the hump right after I gave up on him after giving him three second chances so be it.

    If everything goes right: 8-8. Miss the playoffs. Who knows what Jerry will do next.

    If everything goes wrong: 8-8. Miss the playoffs. Who know what Jerry will do next.

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    16.- St. Louis Rams (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 16)
    2012 Record: 7-8-1 (3rd in NFC West)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: vs Arizona

    Fez: So about ten or so days ago, I came across this gem on my Facebook newsfeed:

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    I have no idea whether this was a compliment to the Rams and Cardinals, or just some writer putting on some work gloves, picking up freshly-made horse manure and throwing it at the entire NFC East and its fanbases. I’ll let TJ decide what the hell was that. PS: Spare us all from your criticism about my text font, you jerk.

    TJ: Yeah…that’s the same font my sister-in-law uses. She’s 14 years old and only writes about Justin Bieb…..no, I won’t write it. We’ll get so much spam, SRW will have me clean up the mess and I’ll never see the end of it (this is twitter, right?). But yeah, maybe the Rams could compete in the NFC Least… I mean, East. Which is funny because just a few years ago, this was the best division in football and the West was…well, the worst. How quickly things change.

    If everything goes right: Sam Bradford improves, but living up to his contract is almost impossible. The Lambs win a few close, exciting games, but can’t compete with the 49ers or Seahawks and settle for 3rd place in a good division with 8 or 9 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Even the Cardinals get past them and finish last in the division with 5 or 6 wins.

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    17.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 17)
    2012 Record: 7-9 (4th in NFC South)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at New York Jets

    Fez: Oh well, season 2 of coach Schibutthole, and he’s off to a bad start by creating an unnecessary QB controversy between Josh Freeman and Mike Glennon. Sure, Freeman isn’t his guy, but when he has the privilege of landing a coaching job with an established QB, you don’t pull a Josh McDaniels by running the guy out of town and bringing your own. So what if Freeman is middle-of-the-pack. Good luck if you end up trading him and Glennon blows. Some people just are in over their heads.

    TJ: Did you read the headline about the Patriots sanitizing their training complex after the Bucs’ visit? Am I the only one who finds this hilarious? Schiano might be an butthole, but he’s nowhere near Belichick on that one.

    If everything goes right: Josh Freeman goes back to the good form of earlier in his career, Doug Martin wins the rushing title and finally breaks the TJ Fantasy Football curse, Schiano knocks out Jim Harbaugh on December 15th after the midfield handshake, and the Bucs make a run at the division. Maybe a wild card with 10 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Josh Freeman never regains the form of earlier in his career. Doug Martin becomes the latest victim of the TJ Fantasy Football curse, Schiano is knocked out by Jim Harbaugh on December 15th after the midfield handshake, and the Bucs finish last in the division with 5 wins.

    Fez: Hey, you never know with staph infections. That stuff ended some careers, including C LeCharles Bentley’s. The Bucs could stay pay it back by inviting the Pats over to a scrimmage next offseason and play on a field full of crosses and photoshopped pictures of Tim Tebow wearing robes.

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    18.- New Orleans Saints (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 20)
    2012 Record: 7-9 (3rd in NFC South)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Atlanta

    Fez: I swear, I’m so over the Bountygate stuff that I didn’t even mind the 49ers gift-wrapping OLB Parys Haralson to New Orleans for a mere 7th round pick in the 2014 draft. The funny stuff is that some people within the Saints fanbase believe Haralson will be a double digit sack artist for them. Hah!! More researching, less drinking and beads-giving.

    TJ: Can coaches win the Comeback award? If so I’m ready to bet the house on Sean Payton. I totally expect the Saints to scream “FREAK YOU ALLâ€￾ and become the buttholes of the NFL, running up scores and humiliating everyone. They have the offense to do it, and the Defense cannot possibly be worse than last year’s.

    If everything goes right: They destroy every opponent out of the gate. By thanksgiving Drew Brees will be on pace to hit 6000 yards and 50 TDs, the defense improves and we see Arena League-like scores in their games. They win their division easily and make a Super Bowl run.

    If everything goes wrong: The defense doesn’t improve, and we see NBA-like scores in their games. They’re so bad Brees’ magic “Screw youâ€￾ season won’t be enough and fall below .500. The rest of the world will join me, asking “Why is Rob Ryan regarded as a good defensive coordinator to begin with?â€￾

    [​IMG]
    19.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 18)
    2012 Record: 8-8 (3rd in AFC North)
    Preseason record: 0-4
    Week 1: vs Tennessee

    TJ: The Steelers have become so irrelevant that I can’t think of anything funny to say about them other than the old Big Ben rape jokes. Which reminds me…there are jokes and memes that grow old fast. One should always get new material, or just become stale. The Roethlisberger rape jokes got old more than a year ago!! Now I’ll give my previews and give the floor to Fez…

    If everything goes right: They take advantage of a regressing Ravens team, a Marvin Lewis coached Bengals team, and a Browns team…catch a few breaks here and there, Big Ben does Big Ben things, and out of nowhere win their division with 10 wins. (See what I did there?)

    If everything goes wrong: Same as last year. Injuries in all sides of the ball, Big Ben trying to run away from rushers with bad knees and ankles…and another 8-8 season on the books. But it’s not so bad!! Remember what I said earlier…CONSISTENCE!!!
    Fez: You know what else is getting old? The Steelers roster. Keisel, Clark, Polamalu, Foote, Taylor and Roethlisberger are all over 30. Wait a minute, Good god, was it really 10 years ago when the ladies man came into the league? I kind of recall how he forced his way into the starting role and put the team on top of the world twice. And his running game wasn’t all that good so he had to spread his juice all over the field. Alright, I give up, no more rape puns.

    [​IMG]
    20.- Carolina Panthers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 19)
    2012 Record: 7-9 (2nd in NFC South)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Seattle

    Fez: With a crucial third season on the line, coming off his mini sophomore slump, Cam Newton has vowed to stop sulking, in order to become more of a leader. Although I acknowledge it’s a nice move, I would’ve gone with: “stop fumbling the damn ballâ€￾, “improve my accuracyâ€￾, or the crown jewel: “stop celebrating touchdowns in my Superman style when my team’s down by 20â€￾. But oh well, baby steps.

    TJ: I’m still not sure whether Cam is overrated or underrated. But I love that NFL Network commercial with the little kid. “I’m just loosening my armâ€￾…how cute. Now, allow me to talk about Steve Smith’s career arc. When he first came in to the league, he was THE Steve Smith. But then he suffered from the Jake Delhommes and Jimmy Clausens of the world, and became the OTHER Steve Smith. But since last year, he regained his name and became THE Steve Smith again. Let’s hope the Madden Random Name Generator doesn’t heck up again and give us another WR Steve Smith. I enjoy wathing THIS Steve Smith.

    If everything goes right: Cam Newton finally explodes making us all (except Fez) forget about Kaepernick, THE Steve Smith keeps making plays, the defense improves, but they’re still sharing the division with the Falcons and Saints, so 9 wins and a wild card berth sound about right.

    If everything goes wrong: Cam never regains the good form of earlier in his career (you know…his first two games ever), Steve Smith becomes the OTHER Steve Smith again (I don’t know, maybe there’s another one out there in some practice squad about to catch fire), and the Panthers fall short again in their tough division. 6 wins. Ron Rivera gets fired.

    [​IMG]
    21.- Miami Dolphins (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 21)
    2012 Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC East)
    Preseason record: 2-3
    Week 1: at Cleveland

    TJ: That new logo…ugh. I miss the old Dolphins logo, with its little helmet and all. Am I getting old? Anyway, it’s time to see if Ryan Tannehill is the answer. After watching him last year, my first reaction was: “maybeâ€￾. Yes. That’s the amount of analysis and information we give you in these Power Rankings. I should get a gig at ESPN or something (you know, since they do that all the time!!!). Back to you, Fez!!

    If everything goes right: Ryan Tannehill is the answer. But they’re still far, far away from the Patriots, so 9 wins and a wild card berth is all I can give them.

    If everything goes wrong: Ryan Tannehill is not the answer. But it could be worse. They could be the Jets or Bills. 6 or 7 wins, still second place in the division.

    Fez: I’m just gonna give a shout-out to a true motherhecker. When he came to the league, he had some major red flags. Got kicked off by Nebraska University, then enrolled to Oregon but never played there due to NCAA rules (yeah, the same organization that punished Johnny Manziel by suspending him for HALF A FREAKING GAME… let’s never forget the NCAA is a fraud), and still got drafted in the 3rd round by the Rams. Putting it kindly, the man is a nutjob. And really, only nutjobs would take this kind of hits and not even flinch.

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EANG46fzxsw]Antonio Smith goes berserk, tries smashing Richie Incognito in face with own helmet - YouTube[/ame]

    Good lord…

    [​IMG]
    22.- Cleveland Browns (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 23)
    2012 Record: 5-11 (4th in AFC North)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Miami

    TJ: So Brandon Weeden played lights out in his first two preseason games. So good, that the Coaching Staff named him the season starter. So, what happened next? He played like crap the following game. Good ol’ Cleveland Browns.

    If everything goes right: I don’t know. Have things ever gone right in Cleveland? Let’s see…maybe Weeden isn’t so bad, maybe Trent Richardson makes a few plays here and there…maybe they got it right with the Coach this time. But still, it’s the Cleveland Browns, for God’s sake!! I can’t risk giving them more than 8 wins, so that’s what I’ll do. 8 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Same old Browns. 3 wins. The never ending search for a Franchise QB continues. Some things never change, people!!

    Fez: I’ll be honest. I want the Browns to do well. And it doesn’t mean that they’re my 2nd favorite team or whatever (I don’t have one). My ties to the city of Cleveland are reduced to being an Indians fan, and that’s it. I’m not even a true Indians fan, I couldn’t name 10 guys on the current roster… I guess I was sorely disappointed after J.D. F. Drew hit a grand slam off C.C. Sabathia in game 7 of the ALCS a few years ago. Anyway, I’m babbling. The reality is that the Browns are still far and away from being protagonists in this league. Can Vegas take bets on Trent Richardson’s next team once his rookie deal expires and refuses to sign an extension?

    [​IMG]
    23.- San Diego Chargers (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 22)
    2012 Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC West)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: vs Houston (MNF)

    TJ: â€￾Life After Norvâ€￾. That’s the title I’m giving to the 2013 San Diego Chargers season. No matter what happens, they’re better off now. (and I’m a big fan of Norv…the OC Norv, not the HC Norv). It will be interesting to see if Phillip Rivers can be Phillip Rivers again. No, not the butthole who taunted his rivals and talked crap when he was losing by 30. I mean the Rivers who was an actually good NFL QB.

    If everything goes right: Rivers returns, but can’t help talking crap again. At least he’ll do it with reason this time. The Chargers remove the Norv contamination, and get better, but are still not ready for the big show. 8 or 9 wins will be a good season.

    If everything goes wrong: Rivers doesn’t return. The word “quarterbackâ€￾ will be thrown in the rebuilding plans, and the Chargers suffer because of it. 4 or 5 wins, but thanks to the Raiders won’t be last place in the West.

    Fez: Yup, like in the movie Casablanca: we’ll always have Paris… and the Raiders. Although I’m convinced there is no way the Chargers win more than 6 games even in a best-case scenario. The running game is not that strong with butterfingers Mathews, the receiving corps is a mess and the lone bright spot in their defense is S Eric Weddle, whom sportswriters repeatedly mention as the best safety in the AFC. I’ve seen Weddle play. If he’s the best at his position in the entire conference, then something’s really wrong.

    [​IMG]
    24.- Tennessee Titans (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 24)
    2012 Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC South)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at Pittsburgh

    TJ: I know what you’re thinking. “Chris Johnson is due for a comeback season!!â€￾, “The Titans improved the OL so Chris Johnson must be good again!!â€￾, “Their QB sucks so they’ll run the ball a lot, anyway!!â€￾. I hope they have a back-up plan because I took CJ2K in my fantasy draft the other day. Hey, I’m sorry!! It was the fourth round and he was just…sitting there!! I even googled to see if he was injured or something. I just couldn’t help it!! By the way, the back-up plan is Shonn Greene two years after becoming Shonn Greene…so let’s hope the curse doesn’t strike.

    If everything goes right: CJ2K DOES return…not to 2000 yards or anything, but just enough to keep the Titans rolling and Jake Locker making few mistakes. But still, the Texans and Colts are very far away, so 9 wins is all I can give them.

    If everything goes wrong: CJ2K doesn’t return, so it’s up to Locker to keep the Titans competitive and…well, it doesn’t end well. 5 or 6 wins, fighting with the London Jaguars for that third place.

    Fez: I’m this close from jumping off the Jake Locker bandwagon. I’m not going to give him the Alex Smith fanboy treatment, making excuses about his piss poor coaching (it’s true, but still) and the lack of weapons at his disposal. Locker should do better, period. Still, I don’t see the Titans going anywhere. If the immortal Mike Singletary taught us something, is that you don’t give HC duties to defensive-minded people who know crap about the offense. I’m looking at you, Mike Munchak, and I’m also looking at you and the guy who’s carrying you on his back, Leslie Frazer.

    [​IMG]
    25.- Detroit Lions (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 27)
    2012 Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC North)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Minnesota

    Fez: Believe it or not, I’ve heard some people predict the Lions will win the NFC North. After my initial reaction, I went over and looked up new acquisitions, departures, schedules from the team and the whole division, advanced stats… oh, sure, I got you. It’s the Lions, for cripe’s sake. Anything better than the 5th seed in the NFC is gonna be a freaking miracle. I love when sportswriters make up bold crap to draw reactions. It’s a sad world we live in, when people follow Skip Bayless* as a role model.
    *Side note: Bayless did not predict the Lions title, as far as I know. He’s just an example of writers saying outrageous stuff to get people talking about them.

    TJ: The real miracle here is Fez not taking a jab at the Lions’ new RB, Reggie Bush, like he has done since 2006. But still, their only problem seems to be the division they’re in. The Packers are a juggernaut, the Bears will make a run, and even the Vikings can keep things tough. How is it possible that a team with weapons like Megatron, Reggie Bush (yes, Fez…I said Reggie Bush), Matt Stafford (as long as he stays healthy), and Donkey Kong Suh, is this low?

    If everything goes right: Fez’s freaking miracle happens and they lock the 5th seed with yet another historical season by Megatron and Stafford. 9 or 10 wins, Wild Card.

    If everything goes wrong: Another disappointing season finishing with a losing record, last place in the North, and Jim Schwartz fired. But Megatron and Stafford will put historic numbers again, that’s for sure. Megatron will become the new Barry Sanders if things don’t improve soon. 5 wins.

    [​IMG]
    26.- Philadelphia Eagles (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 30)
    2012 Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC East)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: at Washington (MNF)

    Fez: It’s unheard of to raise a team’s ranking by 4 positions after preseason, but really, this is an indication of the crapty state of the AFC bottom feeders, rather than a positive forecast of the Eagles 2013 season. Still, things are looking up, as Mike Vick ran the blur offense as smoothly as… ah, who the hell cares? I’m bummed. It’s hard to say positive stuff about the Eagles when I’m all alone here, driving the Nickfoleon Dynamite bandwagon. Even the Jaguars stadium is more crowded. I guess I’ll have to wait for the inevitable annual injury to Vick. I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES, GOD DAMNIT!!!

    TJ: You will be able to root for Foles again pretty soon. The last time Mike Vick played 16 games in a season, I was in my third year of college (which by the way was the craziest one, so I can barely remember…I was drunk all the time). If you saw me now, you’d swear that it happened 15 years ago…but I digress. By the way, I’m giving the Tore ACLs in the Preseason Championship of this year to the Eagles. Every week we saw headlines like that: “Eagles –Insert name here—has torn ACL. Out for the seasonâ€￾. Congratulations.

    If everything goes right: Not much, really. It’s almost a fact that they’ll use at least 2 QBs this year. Maybe they can give the Cowboys a run for 3rd in the division, but that’s it. Which is a shame, because the Eagles have sucked recently and I haven’t enjoyed it like I should. That’s so weird. 6 or 7 wins.

    If everything goes wrong: Chip Kelly goes Bobby Petrino on them and quits even before the season is over. The OL issues continue and they end up signing Tebow or Vince Young by week 14. 3 Wins, and the rebuilding project must start over.

    [​IMG]
    27.- Buffalo Bills (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 25)
    2012 Record: 6-10 (4th in AFC East)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: vs New England

    TJ: OH MY GOD WHAT A MESS!!! Kevin Kolb was placed on IR and might never play again. EJ Manuel hurt his knee and won’t be ready for the opener. How bad can Matt Leinart be that Doug Marrone saw him at practice and said “heck it, let’s go with the undrafted rookie while EJ gets betterâ€￾. I mean...wow!!! Just…WOOOWWW!!! But you know what it means, right? Wait for it…wait for it…I BELIEVE IN JEFF TUEL!!! (Because somebody has to, god dammit!!!).

    If everything goes right: Tuel becomes the new Tom Brady and leads the Bills to an unlikely upset in week 1, wins the starting job and takes them to the playoffs. Now, that’s the stuff I’d say if I was still on my 3rd year of college, but I wanted it on print JUST IN CASE it happens. Seriously? 6 or 7 wins, but a good foundation for the future.

    If everything goes wrong: What do you mean IF everything goes wrong? It has already gone wrong!! They’re starting Jeff Tuel at Quarterback!!! Sigh…2 or 3 wins…and did I mention that I also drafted C.J. Spiller on fantasy? So there…

    Fez: If you recall last year, I was introduced to the dirty world of gambling on football. I won two of my first four bets (one of them a 3-team parlay, BTW) and I plan on placing a standard bet every one of the 17 weeks of the regular season. Pray for my soul and my pockets, GIF.com community!! Having said that, considering the little tape there is on Jeff Tuel, the fact that the game will be played in Buffalo, and despite the Patriots’ loss of several weapons to injury, free agency and free idiocy, several sports bookies have put a +10.5 spread favoring the Bills. Bookies: you cannot make this line high enough. You just can’t.

    [​IMG]
    28.- Oakland Raiders (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 26)
    2012 Record: 4-12 (3rd in AFC West)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: at Indianapolis

    TJ: They’re too high for my taste. They’re considering starting Terrelle Pryor over Matt Flynn, which makes me wonder…are the Raiders planning the ultimate tanking job to get a high draft pick on a good 2014 class? Or is Matt Flynn just that bad? I mean, he lost to Russell Wilson last year, and when everybody saw him play, we kind of saw Carroll’s point…but losing the job to Pryor? A guy who just a few weeks ago acknowledged that he didn’t even know how to hold a football properly? I cannot believe it…

    If everything goes right: Oh, boy…this is a tough one…How can it go right when there’s enough evidence that says they’re wasting this season? But if it does go right, maybe Flynn proves his worth and leads this team to 4 or 5 wins. That’s right…that’s their best case scenario.

    If everything goes wrong: The Raiders get their wish and clinch the number 1 pick in the draft by Christmas. The last time they held it, they took JaMarcus Russell, so we’ll have GREAT comedy for April. 2 wins.

    Fez: Signs that your team is Clowning for Clowney: 1) You carry 3 unproven QBs on your roster? Check. 2) Your WR corps includes the names Denarious Moore, Rod Streater and Brice Butler? Check. 3) Your backup plan for your oft-injured starting RB is a guy with 944 yards total in 4 years? Check. 4) Your big FA move was to bring back a former fan favorite defensive back that turns 37 this year? Check. I don’t even need to make any jokes. The entire roster is.

    [​IMG]
    29.- New York Jets (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 28)
    2012 Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC East)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: vs Tampa Bay

    TJ: I’m tired of the Jets. I’m tired of the memes. I’m tired of the twitter jokes. I’m tired of the fact that Mark Sanchez is half-mexican, which makes him pretty much the second most important man in this country (I swear…the amount of coverage he receives would annoy even the British Royal family). I’m specially tired of Rex Ryan. They suck. They shouldn’t get this amount of attention. What the hell, people!!!

    If everything goes right: I cannot even think of a scenario in which things to right for the Jets. But since second place in their division can be had with 5 wins, that’s what I’ll give them.

    If everything goes wrong: You already know it…another lost season and they finally clean the house getting rid of Sanchez and Ryan. And then we’ll find another team to annoy us all. Jerry Jones approves this paragraph.

    Fez: Getting rid of Mark Sanchez is part of your “everything goes wrongâ€￾ section? Did you write this piece right after cfreaking out of a 12-hour shift or something? Anyway, I kind of feel responsible for the destiny of Geno Smith. In our last PR edition of the 2012 season, I finished with a “Romeo and Pioletteâ€￾ poem that read “Geno Smith, welcome to hell!!â€￾. I meant to say he was going to the Chiefs, I never meant him to REALLY go to hell. But hey, that’s what you get after pulling your sissy act of taking your ball and going home, seeing how nobody wanted to touch you in the first round of the draft. And given how Rex is on a never-ending quest of getting fired and collecting the full balance of his contract, I could picture him thinking “how can I make the fanbase even more enraged? Oh, Geno’s being a little snitch? I KNOW! I’ll draft him!!!â€￾. But hey, as long as Woody Johnson keeps getting rich, it won’t matter to him.

    [​IMG]
    30.- Kansas City Chiefs (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 31)
    2012 Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC West)
    Preseason record: 2-2
    Week 1: at Jacksonville

    TJ: Did I already make the joke about Andy Reid signing with the Chiefs because he thought their helmets spelled “KFCâ€￾? I did? Oh…ok, then. I’m actually intrigued by this team. I don’t think Alex Smith is that bad, and I really think they’ll be this season’s most improved team…now I’ll give the floor to Fez who will tell you the exact opposite…

    If everything goes right: As I said, Alex Smith leads this team to the playoffs. I just think this Reid-Smith thing is a match made in heaven. But of course, the Chiefs always lose their first playoff game, so…yeah.

    If everything goes wrong: Well, I’m wrong and they will still suck. But they cannot possibly be as bad as last year. I mean, they now have a coach who’s awake at games. Looking at a Wendy’s menu instead of the play chart, but awake nonetheless. 5 wins.

    Fez: KFC? Please, more like SFD. San Francisco’s Dumpster. Not only did the Niners get a couple of juicy draft picks for a guy who tormented the Faithful for 8 long years; they also took one of the biggest wastes of breathable air in AJ Jenkins, and in return they sent a WR who actually gives a crap about football. What did SF ever do to be rewarded like that? Why, thank you, Kansas City. The question remains: who’s going to beat out Alex Smith for the starting job in a couple of years? My money’s on Tyler Bray. No offense, Chase Daniel.

    [​IMG]
    31.- Arizona Cardinals (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 29)
    2012 Record: 5-11 (4th in NFC West)
    Preseason record: 3-1
    Week 1: at St. Louis

    Fez: Tough times to be a snarky Power Rankings writer. After we published our Training Camp Edition, Cardinals fan and GIF.com member @127 suggested the start of the “RUN CARSON RUN!â€￾ campaign. I salivated at the idea, plus it helped the fact that long-time 49er nightmare OG Chilo Rachal was employed by the team. That’s right, was. Not a good start. Fortunately, Arizona doesn’t have a lot of OL talent beyond top 10 pick Jonathan Cooper, and it gets worse for them, now that Cooper is out for the season. Robert Quinn and Chris Long must feel like they’re having an early Christmas present. Say it with me, people: RUN CARSON RUN!!

    TJ: Wait, what? We’re giving up on “FREE LARRY FITZGERALDâ€￾ this soon? No, way, man!! I had posters done, even stickers and balloons!! You guys suck…besides, on those knees Carson cannot WALK anymore, let alone run…I’m sticking with my FREE LARRY campaign. Go to hell, Fez!!

    If everything goes right: Larry gets traded to the Pats before the deadline, and helps Brady and Belichick win their third Super Bowl…..oh, you meant the Cardinals? I couldn’t care less. Really.

    If everything goes wrong: They’re the Arizona Cardinals. It has already gone wrong. Another season to forget while Larry fries himself in the Arizona desert. Good times!!

    [​IMG]
    32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Ranking at the beginning of preseason: 32)
    2012 Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC South)
    Preseason record: 1-3
    Week 1: vs Kansas City

    TJ: And we get to the bottom with the London Jaguars!! I mean…the Jacksonville Jaguars!! I caugh a preseason game of them the other day, and their uniforms look ridiculous. Specially those bi-color helmets. Are they trying to distract their opponents with laughter or something? I don’t think it’ll work after the second or third play… now, since it appears the Jags will be this season’s permanent No. 32 team, I’ll allow Fez to once again come up with a clever closing phrase…

    If everything goes right: They leave the No. 32 ranking in our rankings and make it all the way up to the top 30!! Hey!! Baby steps, right?

    If everything goes wrong: They never leave the basement, and Blaine Gabbert keeps making bonehead plays. Good think he plays in Jacksonville and nobody notices him like…you know, Mark Sanchez. Ugh…

    Fez: Let’s set this tone straight for the rest of the season. The Jags are not going anywhere. They don’t have talent, they don’t have a franchise QB. What is the difference between losing with Gabbert/Henne, or signing Tim Tebow and have a crazy and entertaining season? Really. The end result will be the same. Might as well put some butts in the seats, right? So let’s unveil a gimmick for Jacksonville, and pray that they see the light:

    Bible verse of the week: “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you lose and hate one another with all fury through incompletions, interceptions, and fumbles from The Tebow, singing to God without tarps in your stands.â€￾
    Colossus 3:16 (more like a colossal 3-13)

    TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
    Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. And by “enjoying lifeâ€￾ he means snitching about anything and everything that doesn’t go his way, plus taking jabs at TJ every football season weekend.
    Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.
     
  2. ICECOLD

    ICECOLD 1st Stringer

    You guys are awesome lol
     
  3. Walnuts

    Walnuts All-Pro

    Know whats weird? Last season I traded Andy Dalton for a first round pick in a dynasty league...and I drafted DeAndre Hopkins with it.
     
  4. Sweets

    Sweets All-Pro

    Again, another terrific article, guys...shared it on FB and hopefully the rest of our members will too...
     
  5. TheSnowman

    TheSnowman #1 Trap Star

    Bucs ahead of the Saints? C'mon now.
     
  6. Steve12

    Steve12 The night is dark and full of terrors

    Best thing about the internet. Right here. Lol.
     
  7. DawkinsINT

    DawkinsINT Tebow free since 9/5/2015.

    Entertaining as usual. Great job, guys.
     
  8. ragman

    ragman Pro Bowler Fantasy Guru

    Great article.

    However, Cowboys at another 8-8? I think they'll be better than that. Maybe not a lot better, but better than that.
     
  9. Walnuts

    Walnuts All-Pro

    Yeah, probably 8-7-1
     
  10. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    Hah, yup that's weird. :icon_cheesygrin:
     
  11. TJ

    TJ Dez Caught It

    What can I say? I'm a bitter Cowboys fan who has lost all hope. They're still my team, they'll always be...but I prefer to not expect ANYTHING anymore...
     
  12. Walnuts

    Walnuts All-Pro

    I might be missing something but this passage baffled me on several levels. I have no idea what relation Munchak has to Frazier, and Munchak has never had anything to do with defense in his life. Also still can't get my head around parents naming their male child "Leslie".
     
  13. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    Good call there. For some odd reason I related Munchak to defense... dunno why, really... but the truth is he got promoted too early in his career.

    Frazier does have defensive background and was a DC before. But he strikes me as a guy who has too much in his plate as a HC.

    I just think of those two as coaches who are in way over their heads. Switch Peterson for another starting RB (a good one if you will) and I truly don't believe Minnesota has winning seasons.

    Thanks for pointing it out. Observations like that forces us to work harder and think even more before writing.
     
  14. I thought this was well written. I am interested to see how all the going right and wrong predictions unfold. Thumbs up!