Fez & TJ Power Rankings Week 14 Edition

Fez: I must admit, I love living in the Information Age. News spring around the web 24/7; we learn any relevant information coming from the other side of the world and we pretend to have an informed opinion about it; we get updates about some shocking incident literally by the minute; slow days at the office are over because of Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp or whatever way you have to keep in touch with your friends; NFL streams (‘nuff said!); Youtube; memes; Scarlett Johansson’s lovely boobs; probably everything.

Okay, not everything. You know what I kind of hate about this Age? It’s not that you have thousands of news sources that you don’t even know which one is the most reliable; it’s not that we’re slowly realizing our otherwise sports heroes are just a bunch of dumbasses (thanks Twitter); it’s not that the collective IQ of our society has gone down the toilet and it’s easier to pick a fight with an unknown on any social media or news website than to cook an egg for your breakfast; it’s not that you’re 94.6% likely to web-surf across Greg Oden’s dong pics by accident (no, I haven’t had the displeasure, I’m the 5.4%, thank god).

No, what I hate about the Information Age is that news run way too fast now, that if you don’t learn about a specific event within the first hour of its happening, you’ll be more likely to read the details first, and the original fact later on. And this applies to internet jokes as well; case in point: less than 24 hours after TJ and I posted last week’s Power Rankings, the greatest meme of all times, the king of all memes, made its debut on the web. In other times, I would’ve posted it and got a million likes just for it. Now? “Heh, been there, seen it a hundred times already, it got old 3 days agoâ€. Sigh. Whatever, here it is.



TJ: But you wanted this to be the fastest Power Rankings column in the history of the Internet. There’s the result. Anyway, some weird scores this weekend, so this should be hard, but as always, we’ll try our best. Here are Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings for week 14.


1.- New England Patriots (Last week: 3)
Record: 10-3 (1st in AFC East)
Week 14: Won vs Houston, 14-42 (MNF)
Week 15: vs San Francisco (SNF)
Fez: Well that was fun. New England hosted the consensus #1 team and completely obliterated it. What do you make of it? Superbowl favorites now? Sigh, they probably are. Next week’s gonna be a confirmation of their status as the juggernaut of the league, or yet another #1 team that bites the dust; then we’ll have complete chaos with these Power Rankings. You know what? Screw it. Lose to my 49ers, Brady. I want that chaos. I want to take TJ off guard with the order. But what amazed me the most is how the Pats shook off the Donald Trump jinx. TJ, after your take on the N.E. Pats please give Mitt Romney a little time to finish off his notes.

TJ: The scary part is that they made it look easy. That was a monster performance by the Pats, and yes, I already hate next Sunday night game for our #1 spot. No matter who wins it, chances are I’m gonna hate that. Was that Donte’ Stallworth scoring a TD? That’s another reason why I hate the Patriots. They could take a hooker from Boston, put her at WR and she’d still score a TD.


2.- Denver Broncos (Last week: 2)
Record: 10-3 (1st in AFC West)
Week 14: Won at Oakland, 26-13 (TNF)
Week 15: at Baltimore
Fez: Just when you thought Peyton Manning’s CPOY and MVP bids were locks, here comes Adrian Peterson, breathing down his neck to steal those awards. It’s a good thing for the star runningback he’s not breathing down Tom Brady’s hair, otherwise he’d get fined and suspended for roughing the choir boy. By the way, I don’t know what to make of Denver’s running game. Will it work in the playoffs? Can they ride NoShow Moreno to a Lombardi Trophy? I have my doubts.

TJ: That’s ok. He already has 4 MVPs. I still think he’s a mortal lock for the Comeback player award. Besides, we’ll always have those funny commercials, and those free disgusting pizzas, right, Peyton?




3.- Houston Texans (Last week: 1)
Record: 11-2 (1st in AFC South)
Week 14: Lost at New England, 14-42 (MNF)
Week 15: vs Indianapolis
Fez: That sound you just heard? Houston’s Superbowl hopes getting deflated. Are the Pats a horrible matchup for them? Did they come to this game unprepared? Regardless, I bet Jim Harbaugh is pretty concerned about next Sunday’s game. Still, the Texans may have one of the best RBs in the business, but San Francisco is a rushing machine as a whole. Oh well.

TJ: That kind of looked familiar, didn’t it?




4.- San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 6)
Record: 9-3-1 (1st in NFC West)
Week 14: Won vs Miami, 13-27
Week 15: at New England (SNF)
TJ: Lost in this year’s QB controversy, Harbaugh’s medical procedure, and the overall success of the 49ers, is Randy Moss’ season. Back when he was signed, I remember telling Fez: “this will make or break your season...he can be a beast for defenders, or a beast for your poor, defenseless QBâ€. Well, it’s been 13 games. Has anyone seen Randy Moss? I didn’t even know he was still on the roster until yesterday when he dropped a TD on a beautifully executed flea flicker. So much for my August prediction. I’m pretty sure the 49ers haven’t been affected by him at all. Has anyone been this irrelevant after coming back from retirement? Wait…don’t answer that one…

Fez: Yeah, how nice of you for omitting the part in which a blatant defensive holding on him wasn’t called. Lay off the married life for two minutes and go watch the replay, I beg you.



Anyway, it wasn’t Kaepernick’s best outing yet, but a win is a win. Bring on the Patsies. By the way, with Week 17’s SF vs SEA being flexed on for SNF, SanFran’s last 3 games will be played on National TV. Hey, TJ?




5.- Green Bay Packers (Last week: 7)
Record: 9-4 (1st in NFC North)
Week 14: Won vs Detroit, 20-27
Week 15: at Chicago
TJ: Aaron Rodgers scored on a 27-yard sweep that was the longest of his career, and probably the longest run from scrimmage the Packers have had since Tim Taylor’s days. Now that they have clinched the division (not mathematically, of course, but this thing is already clinched and everybody knows it), they should start preparing for a very tough January.

Fez: Gonna be tough without a fully healthy Fabi… I mean, Clay Matthews. You know they had zero sacks on SNF, right? And they were facing the porous Lions OL, right? Just cfreaking.


6.- New York Giants (Last week: 9)
Record: 8-5 (1st in NFC East)
Week 14: Won vs New Orleans, 27-52
Week 15: at Atlanta
TJ: Well, that should have been totally expected. Both Redskins and Cowboys fans were looking forward to a Giants loss to force a three-way tie in the division lead, and they delivered a performance for the ages. It’s December, dammit!! The Giants don’t lose in December!! And now that Elisha Manning went through her very first period, becoming the woman she has always wanted to be, she should be back to normal. All that blood should’ve freaked her out. Kudos to David Wilson for his “coming out of the doghouse†party. The Giants always do this. First it was Bradshaw in 2007, now Wilson, and now I totally expect him to run for 500 yards in the playoffs alone.

Fez: It’s a damn shame Wilson won’t run the Cowboys out of the gridiron in a playoffs game. My bet is on Washington passing Dallas for one of the wild card spots. What, TJ? Are you getting sad about your boys missing the playoffs once again? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE?!


7.- Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 5)
Record: 9-4 (1st in AFC North)
Week 14: Lost at Washington, 28-31 (OT)
Week 15: vs Denver
Fez: Ahh, the good old Ravens. Emphasis on “oldâ€. Been saying for a while that this team will not get past the AFC Wild Card game, and honestly I wish I could rank them lower this week, but fellow birds (the Atlanta Falcons) are even bigger frauds than Baltimore. So there. Good job getting tied by a rusty backup QB; I’m already salivating as the Cardinals start searching for their next miserable QB. Gotta make the unproven backups look good. Shut up about SF’s former backup, TJ.

TJ: The Ravens finally put out Cam Cameron out of his misery on Monday, and they replaced him with a robot who could successfully identify Ray Rice. Seriously. The interview consisted in sending candidates pictures of Rice and one question: “Can you identify this man?†Jim Caldwell nailed it. Now he gets to face the QB he coached for years, first as his QB coach, and then as his head coach: Peyton Manning. Should be a good one.


8.- Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 4)
Record: 11-2 (1st in NFC South)
Week 14: Lost at Carolina, 20-30
Week 15: vs New York Giants
TJ: Ha!! We told you so!! We really told you so!! But you didn’t want to believe, did you? What? You actually believed me? You mean everybody agrees that the Falcons are not for real? Man, I feel dumb now. You know what? I’ll flip flop: the Falcons just found a bump on the road to their most certain Super Bowl Victory. See? I told you I could be funny.

Fez: I have three letters and a word for that Atlanta performance: El Oh El. Frauds.


9.- Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 10)
Record: 9-4 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 14: Won vs Tennessee, 23-27
Week 15: at Houston
Fez: Andrew Luck has all but wrapped up the OROY award. It’s over. There’s nothing left. RGIII made a nice run, but with his injury and the Colts’ record, it should be no contest. Of course, voters are idiots (see team #31 in these PRs for reference) and they’ll probably make it closer than it should, or they’ll give it to Griffin. Let’s move on before I get mad. It’s been a peaceful weekend.

TJ: I don’t know anymore, man. The Redskins are in the division hunt, have all the tie-breakers in their favor and could make a deep run in January. Let’s hold on to that thought until we get to the Redskins section. As for the Colts, they’re becoming this year’s “team of destinyâ€. You know, the team that no matter how far behind is in the score, you can’t really count them out. And yes, Luck should be OROY. Too bad the media isn’t in love with him.


10.- Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 11)
Record: 8-5 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 14: Won vs Arizona, 0-58
Week 15: at Buffalo
TJ: I’m not sure if that game was amazing for the Seahawks, or just sad for the Cardinals. The Seahawks still control their destiny in the play-off hunt. Win out (including against the 49ers) and you’re in. That speaks volumes. I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!! By the way, on the weekend when smoking pot became legal in the state of Washington, the Seahawks won by 58 points. Coincidence? Yeah, right.

Fez: It’s a coincidence that they hosted the Cardinals on the same weekend. Get out of here. You know what I hate about this? Richard Sherman’s still playing. Man the heck up, dope. At least Brandon Browner had the good sense to take his punishment. Cheat.


11.- Washington Redskins (Last week: 15)
Record: 7-6 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 14: Won vs Baltimore, 28-31 (OT)
Week 15: at Cleveland
TJ: Stop freaking out, Redskins fans!! RGIII’s MRI came back negative. You can breathe now. Like I said, the Redskins hold the tie-breakers against both the Giants and Cowboys so far, and they pretty much control their own destiny. It’s been a while since the Redskins remained alive this late in the season, in fact, the last time it happened some Todd Collins guy was their QB, so that must have happened at least 25 years ago. As much as I hate the Redskins, I’m glad to finally see them on top again, so the Cowboys have a chance to take them out in the last week of the season.

Fez: I couldn’t believe RGIII didn’t have a torn ACL on that play. The way his knee bent looked exactly like Willis McGahee’s in his bowl game at Miami. Also, if I were you, I’d be really scared about playing a must-win game against a divisional rival. Were you not the team that lost 6-44 to the Eagles? Were you not eliminated by the Giants about what, a year or two ago in the regular season’s last SNF? Please, stop with your nonsense. It’s getting old. What’s next, are you gonna tell me Tony Romo should go to the Probowl?


12.- Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 16)
Record: 7-6 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 14: Won at Cincinnati, 20-19
Week 15: vs Pittsburgh
TJ: When Fez sent me the rankings to start working on this thing, and saw he bumped the Cowboys to 16th to 12th , my first reaction was “Really? Did you watch the game?†Look, Fez hates the Cowboys with passion. That horrible win should’ve been enough to keep them in their place, or maybe move them up one spot tops. But four? I don’t know…he might be trying a reverse jinx or something. Anyway, dem ‘Boys have won 4 of their last 5 games, with their only loss coming in the one game I bet on them. The lesson, as always, the Gambling Gods hate my guts (I was ready to put a wager on Marquez knocking out Pacquiao before the 8th round until I remembered this. Had I bet on it, Pacquiao should’ve sent Marquez to the hospital within the first three rounds. There must be a parallel universe where it happened that way). The offensive line is AWFUL. Poor Tony Romo was running for his life the whole time, and the fact that he only had one pick that was more like a punt, it’s almost a miracle. We remain alive, but I just cannot trust these guys yet.

(Speaking of Marquez – Pacquiao IV, did you see that? Did you? I mean…that was so freaking amazing!! I’ve been a huge Marquez supporter for a long time, to the point he might be my favorite fighter after JC Chavez retired. I was telling everyone who was willing to listen to me, and that wasn’t a lot of people, that Dinamita would knock Pacquiao out to the next year. They told me it couldn’t happen. Now I’m telling you, KISS IT!!! What a great fight…and yeah, I’m talking about boxing, not that UFC crap).

Fez: They beat the Bengals, and I like the Dalton-Green combo. In my book that’s good enough to bump the boys 4 spots up. Anyway, I’ll save my thoughts on Marquez-Pacquiao for another team, and rant about DUIs instead. Ok, so… When will it stop? Really, when? Do we have to make DUIs a felony? Do we have to lock up guys for 2-3 years even though they didn’t hit anything or kill anyone? I mean, heck it, about 7 years ago, a drunk driver killed a teacher during a college trip to a nearby mountain. I’ve hated them ever since. That’s why I still make Leonard Little references. That’s why I wish so damn hard Josh Brent was the one who died instead of Jerry Brown. Yeah, I said it. I wish Brent died so bad, and keep in mind I hate the Cowboys with passion, and I had never, ever heard of Jerry Brown before.

And no, I’m not a self-righteous snitch. I drink, too. I love beer, I love liquor. The difference between the Leonard Littles of the world and I is that I know when to stop. I hang out with my best friend a lot, maybe every weekend, we go to the local bar, to a strip club, whatever. And I’m the one driving. Yes, I drink a few beers, but I don’t do it to the point I start losing focus and hand-eye coordination. I find that balance everytime and I don’t plan on not finding it anytime soon. Why? Because I’ve come a long way in my life, because I appreciate what my buddy brings to the table in terms of camaraderie and because I know it would SUCK to wake up every morning for the rest of my life, grieving my buddy because I was responsible for his death, or knowing that I killed an unknown that used to be someone else’s dad/mom/wife/husband/friend/etc.

It sucks even more that even when you make a conscious choice, leave the car at home, take a cab home and suddenly you lost a limb, a loved one or your own life because some other moron chose to be a danger for everybody else and put himself behind the wheel while being heavily intoxicated, and crashed the cab you were in. Is it fair?

Screw drunk drivers; heck Josh Brent. Rot in hell, motherhecker.


13.- Chicago Bears (Last week: 8)
Record: 8-5 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 14: Lost at Minnesota, 14-21
Week 15: vs Green Bay
TJ: It’s over for the Bears. Jay Cutler suffered his second concussion in a month, and he should not play again this season. He shouldn’t worry about losing his job, since Jim Harbaugh isn’t his head coach (sorry, I HAD to do it). Think about it: the Packers destroyed the Bears with Cutler back in september. What is going to happen next week now that the weather has turned cold, and Jason Campbell will be behind center? Yeah, I thought so. Good job, Bears. Good effort.

Fez: You could have a warm, fall afternoon, with the temperature in the 60’s and Jason Campbell would still suck. Maybe they can trade for Alex Smith. Just give the 49ers your first round pick when the trading period begins and GM Trent Baalke won’t complain to the league about the robbery you’re performing on him. Alex Smith is good! I swear! **wink wink**


14.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 14)
Record: 6-7 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 14: Lost vs Philadelphia, 23-21
Week 15: at New Orleans
TJ: Are you kidding me? You lost to the Eagles? The 2012 Eagles? Come on, man!! You can’t do this to me!! I thought you were a tough team, coached by an butthole…I mean, a bully, I mean…a tough guy coach who taught you to play hard until the final minute!! How is this even possible? Shame on you, Bucs. Now I’ll never see the Eagles close to the 32nd place so I can die of laughter.

Fez: Are we sure Josh Freeman isn’t the NFC version of Joe Flacco? All the measurables, a great game here and there, but not consistent enough to be considered a top QB except by himself. Or am I overreacting and this is a textbook example of karma biting Schibutthole in the ass?


15.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 15)
Record: 7-6 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 14: Lost vs Dallas, 20-19
Week 15: at Philadelphia (TNF)
Fez: Good job killing your playoffs hopes, Cincy. Way to go. With Pittsburgh crapping the bed, they could’ve taken the driver’s seat in the playoffs picture for the last wild card spot, but alas, they’re the Bengals. They should be used by now. By the way, am I the only one bothered by the replay of that Bailey GW-Field Goal? I think I saw too many white and blue jerseys for a game played in the state of Ohio. I hate bandwagoners.

TJ: They don’t call the Cowboys “America’s team†for no reason. Yes, I despise that term, but they have fans all over the world. I totally expected the Bengals to annihilate the Cowboys, and maybe they should have. They were in Romo’s face the whole time, only “El Matador†was in the zone, dancing around the pocket avoiding the rush. Even his jersey ended without the HOF patch, and his number was half way peeled off. Had that game occurred in natural grass, Romo should’ve had to set his uniform on fire. Shame on the Bengals for not taking advantage of this situation.


16.- Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 18)
Record: 7-6 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 14: Won vs Chicago, 14-21
Week 15: at St. Louis
TJ: You know what? Screw it. If Adrian Peterson reaches 2000 yards, he’s the MVP. No questions asked. Peyton will still win the Comeback award (think about it: Peterson didn’t really MISS much playing time, since his injury happened in Christmas last year). Still, the Vikings need some serious help. The tastefully named Christian Ponder started the season looking like the best thing the Vikings had had in years, and now he looks like Mark Freakin’ Sanchez out there. And he has the Peterson advantage, which consists in every team they face will have 8 or 9 defenders in the box trying to contain him. And he still looks awful. I mean, [ame=http://www.nfl.com/videos/chicago-bears/0ap2000000107811/Major-Wright-picks-off-Ponder]look at this throw[/ame]. Wow…

Fez: Hey Vikings? We have the perfect solution for you. It’s named Alex Smith. Ask half the members on the 49ers.com message board and they’ll tell you he will single-handily take you to the Super Bowl. I know I’ve been bashing him for years, but he’s good! I swear!! **wink wink**

Anyway, on to the Marquez-Pacquiao fight. AWESOME!!! Simply awesome!!! Marquez fought with courage, enraged, he went out to prove he deserved to be considered one of the greatest Mexican fighters ever, and he achieved so; he wanted to show the world he was much better than PacMan, that he had been robbed in the previous 3 fights, and he did so. I have to admit the bar I was at was silent after the 5th round, with blood pouring out of Marquez’s nose. I told my buddy “he’s gotta knock him out or the ref will stop the fightâ€, as I remembered the scene from Million Dollar Baby in which Hillary Swank got her nose broken and Eastwood told her “Alright, you’ve got 20 seconds before this turns into a geyserâ€, and then the chick proceeds to beat the living crap out of her opponent. Just an awesome knockout hit. Now, since we flood these Power Rankings with enough memes, I’ll give you this friendly advice: do you have 20 minutes to spare? Google “Manny Pacquiao Memesâ€; thank me later.


17.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 12)
Record: 7-6 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 14: Lost vs San Diego, 34-24
Week 15: at Dallas
Fez: The QB controversy nobody wants to talk about: Ben Roethlisberger vs Chaz Batch. Let’s see: Batch beat the divisional leader and long-time foe, on the road. Roethlisbozo was unable to dispatch a team that has all but quit on its coach. It doesn’t get any easier than this. Maybe the married life has taken a toll on Big Ben. We should know, we hear about the lows of the married life from TJ every week. Maybe Big Ben needs another trip to Georgia to rape a few unwilling chicks. Any good Georgian Samaritan out there who happens to be a Steelers fan?

TJ: That was a low blow, man xD. Never expected less from you, Mr. Hater. Anyway, You cannot seriously consider a QB controversy between Ben and Batch. But they should keep giving Batch those reps with the first team, just in case, because Ben’s injury was nasty, and he faces the one and only DeMarcus Ware next Sunday.

Fez: The one and only DeMarcus Ware is being taken to school by Aldon Smith. In only his second year he’s gonna do something Ware never could: break the single season sack record. Choke on that.


18.- Miami Dolphins (Last week: 19)
Record: 5-8 (4th in AFC East)
Week 14: Lost at San Francisco, 13-27
Week 15: vs Jacksonville
Fez: I’m gonna make an embarrassing statement: I slept through this game. I know, I’m a horrible fan and whatnot. TJ will make sure to tell everybody how much of a lowlife I am. Anyway, it keeps being weird how the Dolphins are 4th in this division, given that they’re clearly the second best team in the AFC East. Get this team some reliable WRs and they’ll be in contention. I’m convinced.

TJ: Can’t blame you. It was a boring game. And the Mexican announcers that were calling it didn’t help (they should be announcing freakin’ golf with that style!! No passion, no emotion…get the heck out of there!!). And I agree about the Dolphins. Tannehill might not be the best thing since Marino, as I announced earlier in the season, but he’s not Jay Fiedler either. He’s somewhere in between and it should be good enough for the future. But yeah, get that guy some help.


19.- St. Louis Rams (Last week: 22)
Record: 6-6-1 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 14: Won at Buffalo, 15-12
Week 15: vs Minnesota
TJ: That’s two wins in a row for the Rams.

Fez: It didn’t help the Bills that they had a 37-to-16 dropbacks-to-Spiller-or-FJax-rushes ratio. Are you FREAKING kidding me? Someone find me a nursing home for Chan Gailey. Enough is enough.


20.- New Orleans Saints (Last week: 17)
Record: 5-8 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 14: Lost at New York Giants, 27-52
Week 15: vs Tampa Bay
TJ: So much for the Giants complaining that Sean Payton was in contact with the Saints. Sean Payton is in contact with Jerry Jones!! He gets voice mails, texts, tweets, even a couple of lesbian cheerleaders in his house, you know, out of nowhere. At least I like to believe that. Now that they’re pretty much eliminated, they should start looking forward: maybe put a bounty on their back-up Head Coach who insisted on kicking off to David Wilson. That’s the one they should take out ASAP.

Fez: There are wet dreams, there are utopias, and there’s the dream of Sean Payton going to Dallas. Have you not noticed your boys are winning just enough games to keep the Ginger around, but not enough games to make the playoffs? Lovely. I can’t ask for anything else from the Cowboys. The TJ face in full force, as his team’s blowing a must-win game against a divisional rival.


21.- San Diego Chargers (Last week: 23)
Record: 5-8 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 14: Won at Pittsburgh, 34-24
Week 15: vs Carolina
Fez: And now, the words no Chargers fan would EVER like to hear: Spanos could be so impressed by the team’s performance against an AFC contender that he might change his mind and keep Norv Turner… I’m cruel, I know.

TJ: Yeah, probably that report of Norv being fired at the end of the season fired up the Chargers. Maybe they took it as an audition for the next coach. I don’t know, it’s possible. I’ve always said the Chargers were not that bad, they were just poorly coached. But there’s also the possibility of the front office blowing up the roster and starting over. I think Phillip Rivers will look like the total butthole he is in Cardinal Red. Karma works in some mysterious ways.


22.- Cleveland Browns (Last week: 24)
Record: 5-8 (4th in AFC North)
Week 14: Won vs Kansas City, 7-30
Week 15: vs Washington
Fez: Let’s not lose the perspective here, that the Cleveland Browns, those lovable losers, have now won three straight games. I know, right? What idiots. What are they trying to do, keep Pat Shurmur around? Lose positioning for a good draft pick? Some teams just don’t get it. Oh, and it gets better. Rumor has it, Napoleon is being considered to replace Shurmur. Napoleon? That would be Josh McDaniels. I don’t even have a joke here. Side note: in this game, Chiefs QB Brady Quinn popped a ref:

[ame=http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap2000000107905/Heads-up-Ref]Heads up, Ref! - NFL Videos[/ame]

Can we expect him to get fined? Probably, probably not. You never know in this league anymore. I’m confused.

TJ: And now, I give you this week’s mayans watch: The Cowboys coming back to win a game in the clutch in December. Check. The Chargers winning on the road in Pittsburgh, where they were 0-14 in the regular season. Check. Three rookie QBs having their respective teams in the play-off hunt. Check. The Cleveland Browns achieving a three-game winning streak. Check. I don’t know about you, guys, but I’m moving the family to the basement bunker in December 21st just in case. We might not have power rankings for week 16, since I’ll need to save power. Sorry.


23.- Buffalo Bills (Last week: 20)
Record: 5-8 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 14: Lost vs St. Louis, 15-12
Week 15: vs Seattle
Fez: Sigh. Not that it mattered, but I wish my boy C.J. Spiller had helped me cut the 60-point deficit in my dynasty fantasy league playoffs. Yup, 60-pt difference. The other guy had Cam Newton, Marshawn Lynch, Vincent Jackson and Roddy White. I had… well, no chance. Maybe next year.

TJ: â€Maybe Next Yearâ€. That’s the Bills motto, right? “Maybe Next Yearâ€. It’s been 13 years and counting since their last playoff berth. In fact, they should put that on a sign when you enter the city. It would be awesome.


24.- Carolina Panthers (Last week: 27)
Record: 4-9 (4th in NFC South)
Week 14: Won vs Atlanta, 20-30
Week 15: at San Diego
TJ: I know what you’re thinking: “It’s time for TJ to eat crow againâ€. But come on, we’ve had this dance before. Vince Young made me eat lots of crow back in 2006. Where is he now? Yeah, I thought so. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing for Cam to become a total bust, because I’m not. But all the signs are out there!!

Fez: Remember what I said about Carolina having three 100-yard rushers against the Atlanta Fraudcons this week? Well it wasn’t even close, as Jonathan Stewart missed the game and DeAngelo Williams barely showed up (in fact, I think we might have to legally change his name to “DeAngelo Williams barely shows upâ€, it’s only fitting). But they still were trashed by Cam Newton. What, you still don’t think the Fraudcons will lose? Look at the pass-to-run ratio in this game: 51 dropbacks, 11 rushes. ELEVEN!!! Good thing I’ll get two paychecks on Thursday; I may after all place a little wager I’ve been talking about for weeks.


25.- New York Jets (Last week: 25)
Record: 6-7 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 14: Won at Jacksonville, 17-10
Week 15: at Tennessee (MNF)
Fez: What is the best way to get fired in the NFL? Do as your boss says, only the exact opposite. That’s what Rex Ryan did after making brief Jet hero Greg McElroy inactive; yes, all of his 29 passing yards didn’t make the cut to face the lowly Jaguars. I guess Woody Johnson has had enough. This reminds me of the time I worked in a restaurant a long time ago and didn’t stop eating toast. They fired me, of course. But it was worth it.

TJ: Speaking of getting fired, I expected to have free time to write my power rankings at work, because usually this week is the slowest of the year. We get Wednesday off, lots of people taking vacation days to make long weekends, I was supposed to be sitting in my butt with nothing to do!! So what happened? I found myself with lots of requests that needed to be taken care of fast. This is what Tebow is feeling, right? Arriving to a team with a questionable QB…he should’ve been starting by week 5, right? Well, it’s been 14 weeks now and he hasn’t started yet. FREE TIM TEBOW!!!


26.- Detroit Lions (Last week: 21)
Record: 4-9 (4th in NFC North)
Week 14: Lost at Green Bay, 20-27
Week 15: at Arizona
TJ: Now I’ll give you the stat that Fez doesn’t want you to hear: Megatron is 303 yards away from Jerry Rice’s receiving yards record, set in 1995. Or was it ’94? Whatever. Even with his low TD Production, Johnson has managed to beat the Madden Curse and break this record. Let’s see if the next Madden Cover player (RGIII, probably) is as lucky.

Fez: He may single-handily break that record next week. I mean, he goes against Arizona. Let’s give him a standing ovation from this moment on, because it is happening. Or in the ultimate Madden Curse effect, he may be needing one more yard and he tears an ACL or something. Not that I’m wishing injury on him; if there’s anyone on the Lions that I wish injury upon, that would be Schmuck Schwartz.


27.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 29)
Record: 4-9 (4th in NFC East)
Week 14: Won at Tampa Bay, 23-21
Week 15: vs Cincinnati (TNF)
TJ: So apparently, this was the week of players saying “our coach is getting fired anyway, let’s play hard to see if we can get a contract for this yearâ€. I gotta say, Nick Foles impressed me for the first time this season, but he’s still the 4th best QB in the division (or maybe 5th… remember, we have the immortal Kyle Orton). He still has a lot way to go. And he should cut his hair.

Fez: …

…

…

I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE?!?!

Oh, the thought of Nick Foles ripping the Cowboys secondary apart for years to come is delightful.


28.- Tennessee Titans (Last week: 26)
Record: 4-9 (3rd in AFC South)
Week 14: Lost at Indianapolis, 23-27
Week 15: vs New York Jets (MNF)
Fez: Some teams have it coming. Down at the 1-yard line, with an erratic passer, and you call a 5-yard out. Of course it was going to be picked off, what did you expect? Then again, your highly-paid RB was blowing chunks all game, so it probably was the best idea out there. Maybe it was a lose-lose situation. Whatever. TJ, what can you say about the Titans?

TJ: The Titans, according to Greek mythology, were immortal huge beings of incredible strength and stamina, not quite Gods, but bigger than humans. Legend says they were sons of Gaia and…wait, what? You mean the Tennessee Titans? Ohh…well, this is awkward…


29.- Oakland Raiders (Last week: 28)
Record: 3-10 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 14: Lost vs Denver, 26-13 (TNF)
Week 15: vs Kansas City
Fez: Out of respect for Dennis Allen’s dad I’m not going to trash him this week (I know, what a classy guy I am!!). My father is kind of old, and quite frankly, I can’t think of life without his presence, even though we don’t have the best relationship out there. Moving on…

TJ: Yeah, nothing funny here. Don't worry, though. We'll be back next week making fun of Carson Palmer accordingly.


30.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 30)
Record: 2-11 (4th in AFC South)
Week 14: Lost vs New York Jets, 17-10
Week 15: at Miami
Fez: Good thing it isn’t too late to realize Chad Henne never was the answer. Bad news: no real QB prospect to choose from in the draft. Cut the bullcrap already. Trade for certain punt protector who plays for the Jets and have a little circle-jerk. The losing will continue, but at least the stands will be full. Nice way to spend a year or two until they figure out how to get out of that hole.

TJ: That won’t help once they move to LA or London. Maybe they can dump Henne in Arizona and still get a 2nd or 3rd round pick in return. I mean, it’s worth asking!! It worked great for the Eagles!!


31.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 31)
Record: 2-11 (4th in AFC West)
Week 14: Lost at Cleveland, 7-30
Week 15: at Oakland
Fez: Look, I’m all for giving people credit where it’s due. What I don’t like is the times when the league goes out of their way to pump up some feel-good stories, like that time when Tedy Bruschi won the “comeback player of the year†award, even though he didn’t miss that much time, his stroke happening during the offseason. Last week, the league gave Brady Quinn (BRADY QUINN!!!!) an “AFC Offensive Player of the Week†award for a pedestrian performance, in the wake of the Belcher murder-suicide. How much does this upset me? To the point that I would’ve been ok if they gave it to Andrew Luck, despite his 3 INTs and his less than 50% of completion percentage; or the no-name TE from Oakland (Brandon Myers) for catching 14 passes for 130 yards. FOURTEEN!!! I didn’t even know Carson Palmer could complete more than 13 passes without the whole surplus going to the opposing team! What a joke.

TJ: In yet another “I hate Fantasy Football†moment, raise your hand if you benched Jamaal Charles in your fantasy play-offs…… o/. Thank you. Now, Brady Quinn being named Offensive Player of the week was…well, offensive. And just to prove it was no fluke, he crashed back to earth this week.


32.- Notre Dame Fighting Irish (Last week: NR)
Record: 12-0
Fez: Not giving them enough credit. I think they should be higher, but we’ll stuck them right here just to be safe. By the way, is there a way we can get LB Manti Te’o to the Eagles? I can’t find enough reasons to make Cowboys fans’ lives miserable. Between Eli, RGIII, the surprising Nick Foles, and now a beastly LB prospect… I’m giddy about the idea, actually.

TJ: …Fez?


33.- Alabama Crimson Tide (Last week: NR)
Record: 12-1
Fez: Just for the record, I’m rooting for Notre Dame. Reason? Can’t stand Nick Saban, and “Rudy†is still fresh in my memory. I know, I’m a sap. I’m the same guy who became a Cleveland Indians fan after watching “Major Leagueâ€. True story.

TJ: …what r u doin?


34 to 41.- The Entire CFL (Last week: NR)
Fez: This is actually a good experiment. Make the CFL Champion face the last team in these Power Rankings for the right to play in the NFL. It’s only fair.

TJ: …Fez…STAHP!!!


42.- Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 32)
Record: 4-9 (4th in NFC West)
Week 14: Lost at Seattle, 0-58
Week 15: vs Detroit
TJ: I don’t know if the two college championship contenders and the whole CFL would beat the Cardinals. Hell, I don’t know if the ITQ Vixen would beat them (ITQ, which stands for Instituto Tecnológico de Queretaro, or Queretaro Institute of Technology, is where I went to college. Yes, we have a football team. Yes, I tried out. No, I didn’t make the cut…apparently a pee wee then junior league Tight End with a badly reconstructed knee can’t make the cut). In all seriousness, the Cards defense is not that bad!! But I don’t think they can take it anymore. They make stops, turnovers, hell, they do their jobs, just to give the ball back to the offense and come back to the field in less than a minute. Why don’t they try having the defense play offense? Think about it. Patrick Peterson could run the option offense like RGIII. Or maybe Fitzgerald…or maybe Beanie Wells. So many options, and Wisenhunt keeps playing those losers at QB. This week’s performance was so bad, it deserves the ultimate facepalm. Here:



Fez: Don’t lose the dream, TJ. Didn’t you use to play flag football in college for a hobby? The NFL is headed there anyway, so you could get in shape from now on and when Goodell finally ruins football for good, you’ll try out for your beloved Cowboys, play safety and deliver those crushing… flag-grabs. Anyway, since it was your idea, and we have the Turdinals in last place once again (and deservedly so, may I add), could you please make the honors to finish this piece?

TJ: LEAVE TONY ROMO ALONE!!!!! I mean… FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!!!

 

Oh how I have missed these rankings...again, great job fellas!!! Hopefully the rest of us will "share" this with facebook, etc...

 

good work gentlemen. love the cardinals at #42 :rofl:

 

So you passionately hate drunk drivers but you drink and drive regularly...okay.

 

Way to miss the context and the cases. :icon_rolleyes: Maybe all state laws should eliminate the max BAC levels allowed and lock people up for having one beer.

 

Drinking and driving is drinking and driving, no matter how you want to try and justify or excuse it. I highly doubt you've only had "one beer" most of the time you're driving after a night out with friends. BAC levels are not an arbitrary thing either. You can get pulled over and blow a .01 but if the officer feels that you are impaired, you're still getting arrested.

 

How does an officer pull a car over in the middle of the night?

 

What's up with the weekly Rivers hate?

 

Browns can still make the playoffs. :)

 

I never liked him in first place. I hate his arrogant behavior.

I don't know about TJ, his second team is the Chargers.

 

Lmao. This is gold. I was actually laughing at the end.