Fez & TJ's Power Rankings Week 15 Edition

Fez’s gambling problem, the impending end of the world, more hate for Kaepernick and Romo, more love for Wilson and Foles…even some butt and poetry!! It’s week 15 of Fez & TJ Power Rankings!!

TJ: Hello and welcome to the last ever Fez & TJ Power Rankings article. We had a great run, a great time doing them, and a better one reading the feedback (at least when we had feedback). But since the world is ending on Friday, and all that crap, well, I thought it was appropriate for us to say our goodbyes. Now…IF the world doesn’t end on Friday, this might then be the last power rankings article this year. Why? Well, because on the same Friday when the world is ending, I’ll be driving about 500 miles north to Monterrey to spend Christmas (oh, I’m sorry…I mean the HOLIDAYS, or whatever doesn’t offend you) in my in-laws house. Yes…I’ll go to a city I don’t like, where it’s freezing cold this time of the year, to spend Christmas with a bunch of people I don’t even know. Getting married is great!!

Now, for week 16, we have a few options:

a) Let Fez do them all by himself
b) Have Fez replace me with a robot we can program with a few bad jokes
c) I can suck it up and write my part anyway…….in my cell phone (please don’t make me to that).

I still don’t know what we will decide, but I do know you’ll get a good read in this week’s article. And if you don’t, you get a full refund.

Fez: This weekend had an interesting turn of events on me. As I’ve been clamoring for a way to bet against the Falcons in the playoffs, I finally got introduced to my town’s casino, and yes, they have a sports bet section. I got sucked into it after seeing the 49ers-Patriots line that turned out to be lower than it was announced. I still placed a small bet on San Francisco +4. Also, I got me the new Galaxy SIII, which was kind of unnecessary, since I had a 1-year old Galaxy Ace. So if you’re scoring at home, I fell into the claws of a potential gambling addiction, pure capitalism, consumerism and TJ knows I went back into someone’s claws (not gonna go into further details there). I’m far from the simple man I used to be a year ago. Anyway, without further ado, here are your NFL Week 15 Power Rankings, fresh off the TJ and Fez’s oven (wait, that didn’t sound right, did it?):


1.- Denver Broncos (Last week: 2)
Record: 11-3 (1st in AFC West)
Week 15: Won at Baltimore, 34-17
Week 16: vs Cleveland
TJ: Who have the Broncos beaten?, they asked…well, they just destroyed the 1st place Ravens, on the road, and took a solid step at a first round bye, and maybe even a #1 seed after the Patriots loss. Given Adrian Peterson’s season, Peyton Manning’s chances of winning his fifth MVP award are getting lower, but can we consider him for coach of the year? I can safely bet (and you’ll be reading this word a lot now that Fez has developed a gambling problem) that Manning is calling the shots there, and John Fox’s headset has the whole Bruce Springsteen discography or something.

Fez: At least you didn’t show your lack of taste for music and used an “Oasisâ€￾ reference in that joke. They say Adrian Peterson is not human given his unbelievable recovery, but come on, it can’t be more impressive than Peyton Manning single-handily resurrecting Knoshown Moreno’s career. Two straight 100-yard games!!! You do realize the last time he broke the 100-yard barrier was two years ago, in a 6-10 clusterheck of a game against the KC Chiefs, right?

TJ: I just went with Fox’s age range…my facebook page was spammed by some old fart we both know with videos from a Springsteen concert in Mexico City…


2.- San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 4)
Record: 10-3-1 (1st in NFC West)
Week 15: Won at New England, 41-34 (SNF)
Week 16: at Seattle (SNF)
Fez: Colin Mother-Freaking-Damning-Helling-And-I-Have-No-Idea-What-Cursing-Words-To-Use-Other-Than-Freaking Kaepernick!!! Did you see those throws?! Did you?! Do you want me to remind you all what I said in Week 12?

Gawd, thank you Colin. Thank you so much. Anyway, just when you thought the zebras, and specifically Ed “Gunsâ€￾ Hochuli couldn’t embarrass themselves any further, Ed stopped actual play by a full 10 minutes by my account, because he had no freaking idea what to call on the Ted Ginn Jr. punt return. Really? That long to rule what was pretty obvious on the first replay? I would make a joke about his blabbing being so good he should be a lawyer, but he beat me to it. My goodness.

TJ: Here’s a little dirty secret. Fez refused to place the 49ers at number 1 (and I was ready to allow it after Sunday night’s game) because he believes there’s some sort of curse on our power rankings first place. What a baby, right? Of course, if next week Peyton Manning and the Broncos get destroyed against Cleveland, maybe he’ll have a case. Anyway, I can already picture the rest of the season: Colin Kaepernick takes the 49ers to the Super Bowl, where they’ll face the Patriots again, he’ll get injured in the game’s first snap, Alex Smith will take over, and win the 49ers sixth Lombardi trophy all by himself, which will create a fan-boy paradox in Fez’s mind that will make his head explode. Seriously. His head will freaking explode. Just wait and see.


3.- New England Patriots (Last week: 1)
Record: 10-4 (1st in AFC East)
Week 15: Lost vs San Francisco, 34-41 (SNF)
Week 16: at Jacksonville
TJ: What took you so long, Patriots? Had they played like they usually do, none of this would’ve happen. We wouldn’t have had to wait until the 4th quarter and the game would’ve been over by half time!! But nooooooo, they had to take it slow to see what SF had got. Man, I’m so pissed right now. And now, for the mayans watch of this week, I’ll leave the floor to Fez:

Fez: A little tidbit, courtesy of ESPN.com’s Mike Sando, who’s in charge of the NFC West blog: “The NFC West finished the 2012 season with a 3-1 record against the Patriots, including 2-0 at Gillette Stadium. That settles it. Mayans, we're all yours. And by the way, here’s a freakingly hilarious gif; no caption needed, just enjoy Brady’s PMS outburst:




4.- Houston Texans (Last week: 3)
Record: 12-2 (1st in AFC South)
Week 15: Won vs Indianapolis, 17-29
Week 16: vs Minnesota
TJ: I’ve figured out the Texans: they’re the bad good team of this year. You know, the team that crushes its lesser opponents, loses badly against the contenders and barely beats the teams fighting for a wild card. You know, like the 2011 Falcons. I’d advice Fez to bet the farm against the Texans in the playoffs, but I won’t because I don’t want to feed his gambling addiction.

Fez: Oh, if it only were so simple. Houston has the ability to pound another team with Arian Foster, something Atlanta doesn’t have at the same level since Michael Turner aged in dog years and ballooned up as if his diet consisted in Mexican food. Oh and backup RB Ben Tate is slowly coming back. I’m not ready to write the Texans off just yet.


5.- Green Bay Packers (Last week: 5)
Record: 10-4 (1st in NFC North)
Week 15: Won at Chicago, 21-13
Week 16: vs Tennessee
Fez: They sweated out that divisional title almost all year, but they pulled it off thanks to the annual Bears meltdown. Anyway, if TJ went through what I went this weekend in Fantasy Football, he’d finally snap and quit FFL for good. I’ll explain: in one of my leagues, I had the best record and highest score. I lost last week to a guy who trashed me by like 30 points. I got to face him again in semifinals: he had Andrew Luck, Adrian Peterson, Blair Walsh and J.J. Watt. Needless to say, I lost. By more than 50 points. I’m hating Fantasy Football until further notice.

TJ: LOL. I lost my last meaningful fantasy football match up last week. I’m retiring and never coming back…..and I totally remember saying this same thing at this point last year, so who knows. Football withdrawal in late july makes me do some stupid things. So now that the Packers have clinched the division, I don’t see them any higher than the #3 seed in the NFC (Atlanta and SF will be the top two with the NFC East champion taking the fourth), so I’m totally expecting a trip to SF for the divisional round. Now, can you tell me with a straight face that Colin Kaepernick will beat Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs? Baby please…the only guy who can do that for SF is buried in the bench.

Fez: Colin Kaepernick just beat the Patriots AT their place, in a December game, something nobody had done for the past 10 years. TEN YEARS!! And you have the guts to say “snitch pleaseâ€￾? Baby please.


6.- Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 8)
Record: 12-2 (1st in NFC South)
Week 15: Won vs New York Giants, 0-34
Week 16: at Detroit (Saturday)
Fez: Like I said in the intro, last Saturday night I lost my gambling virginity, at last. Placed a small bet on the 49ers, whose line vs the Patriots was +4 at the time. Right after I got my ticket, I thought “man, 4 weeks left until I come here with a crapload of money and place that wager against Atlanta I’ve been talking about for monthsâ€￾. I did win my small bet, obviously, but of course, the Fraudcons come home and beat the living crap out of the Giants. Of course they did. Let’s just say I’m a little less confident about betting against Atlanta. Crap, I fell right into the Gambling Gods’ claws. There won’t be a way out of this.

TJ: I still don’t think they can take the Packers or 49ers. And I’d decide the bet depending on the rival. If they get the Giants, don’t count on them pulling this out again. If they get the Redskins, Vikings, or Cowboys, stay away. Why am I suddenly giving gambling advice? I would never EVER bet real money on sports. I can make the usual bets of avatars in facebook or twitter, or dinners…hell, I’ve even bet beer barrels. But money? Big no no.


7.- Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 10)
Record: 9-5 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 15: Won at Buffalo, 50-17
Week 16: vs San Francisco (SNF)
Fez: That was a nice way to announce “we are ready to face San Francisco!â€￾. That SNF next week against my 49ers should be epic, with the bitter rivalry growing between both teams, and the exceedingly-talked-about Harbaugh-Carroll feud. Who knew, NFC West? Who knew you could field a completely-interesting-to-the-rest-of-the-league SNF showdown?

TJ: Two fifty-burgers in a row. Ahem…..I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!! I want a Wilson jersey to wear next week on Sunday night. I don’t care that I’ll be in my in-laws house, and those are the ugliest pieces of clothing in the history of mankind. All I want for Christmas is a Russell Wilson jersey!! I want to wear it next week as Wilson puts on a clinic against Kaepernick and the overrated 49ers. I want to wear it as Pete Carroll goes to give a handshake to Jim Harbaugh after the game, says something stupid, and causes a fist fight at midfield. I want to wear it, take a picture of myself in it, and send it to Fez with a note that says “TELL ME HOW MY BUTT TASTESâ€￾. How long until we can bring Russell Wilson to Big D? Can we offer them a trade? I’d give away all my draft picks until 2045. Jerry Jones would waste them, anyway.


8.- Washington Redskins (Last week: 11)
Record: 8-6 (1st in NFC East)
Week 15: Won at Cleveland, 38-21
Week 16: at Philadelphia
Fez: I BELIEVE IN KIRK COU… wait, what? No, my man crush on Nickfoleon Dynamite is unmatched right now. I’ll need to see more from my other Dynasty Fantasy League backup QB before I crown him along Foles and anoint them “The Royal Familyâ€￾. Anyway, suddenly, that week 17 matchup at Dallas looks so juicy. I can’t wait to see Tony Romo blow another win-and-you’re-in game. I can’t wait.

TJ: Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!!!! I’m taking the year’s closure shift at work on December 30th, so chances are I’ll miss that game, which is a good thing because I can totally see how it will end. Mike Shanahan’s master plan of getting back the picks he gave away to get RGIII with Kirk Cousins might work after all. I wonder if he called Jimmy Johnson for some advice.


9.- Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 7)
Record: 9-5 (1st in AFC North)
Week 15: Lost vs Denver, 34-17
Week 16: vs New York Giants
TJ: Get rid of Cam Cameron, they said. He’s to blame for the losing streak, they said. Did you know that Ray Rice didn’t get a single touch on 3rd down against the Broncos? Maybe they were waiting for another 4th and 29, right? Joe Flacco threw a pick six that would make Tony Romo proud, and after chasing the defender that scored, he just laid there like if he was knocked out or something. Wait…did I say knocked out?



Fez: Yup, the Manny Pacquiao meme-mania is in full force!!! I love it. So how’s this for another divisional showdown in week 17? Let’s say the Bengals win next week (they get the crumbling Steelers so that’s not far-fetched) and Baltimore is a victim of Eli Manning playing a must-win game (ditto). Then, Cincy hosts the Ravens in that last week of the regular season, a battle with the divisional crown up for grabs. And what if Cincy somehow wins, and in an interesting turn of events, the Ravens drop to sixth seed, and have to go to Foxborough? Season = over. Even the Mets and the Red Sox would laugh at this meltdown.


10.- Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 12)
Record: 8-6 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 15: Won vs Pittsburgh, 24-27 (OT)
Week 16: vs New Orleans
Fez: They crack the top-10 for the first time since TJ and I began writing these Rankings again. Of course, they will celebrate in true Cowboys fashion by getting trashed at home by The King Of Whineland and the murderers. Hey, speaking of murderers (and we’ve talked way too much about death in the last couple of weeks, but bear with me): what in the world was Josh Brent doing on the Cowboys sideline? Are you freaking kidding me?! In the wake of Jovan Belcher’s murder suicide, Brent’s DUI and the Sandy Hook tragedy, why did the Cowboys thought it was a good idea to let him in there? I don’t care if Jerry Brown’s family forgave him, the guy involuntarily killed his best friend because, despite the numerous and well-publicized cases of alcohol-related deaths, he chose to drive drunk. He should be rotting in jail right now.

TJ: Totally agree on that. As for the Cowboys, well, they control their own destiny, and the eulogy I wrote in week 9 seems…well, stupid right now, doesn’t it? I mean, this is all new for me: the Cowboys are undefeated in December. Read that last sentence again: THE COWBOYS ARE UNDEFEATED IN DECEMBER. Now you understand why I said my goodbyes in the intro, don’t you? Very weird stuff is happening!! And I love our chances against the Saints next week!! They are totally beatable with that awful defense. I totally expect the Cowboys to win in a shootout now. 51-45 with 5 TDs and 5 INTs by Romo. You read it here first.

Fez: If that happens, one of us might as well get ready to be the guy in the middle of the pic below:




11.- Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 9)
Record: 9-5 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 15: Lost at Houston, 17-29
Week 16: at Kansas City
TJ: They’re still in the driver’s seat for the AFC Wild Card, and they get the Chiefs next week. I think this is a done deal, and now we should start thinking about a Colts vs. Peyton Manning match-up in the playoffs. Too bad that if it happens, it will be in Denver, so we’ll miss a chance to see how the Colts fans will receive Manning. Do you guys think Colts fans even remember Manning? Andrew Luck has been so awesome he has made everyone in Indy forget about their legend. Kind of like the Cardinals after Skelton/Kolb/Lindley replaced Kurt Warner, only the exact opposite.

Fez: The AFC is a disgrace this year. No way the Colts don’t get in. And they will give whatever opponent they get all they can handle. As for Colts fans remembering Peyton Manning, would you remember your off-and-on-again girlfriend of two years, 7 months after you broke up, to the point of drunk texting her during a birthday party at a bar? Wait, don’t answer that.


12.- New York Giants (Last week: 6)
Record: 8-6 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 15: Trashed at Atlanta, 0-34
Week 16: at Baltimore
Fez: Man, the Giants are the greatest trolls in the NFL. You know how it works: they take an early lead for the division, then they get a little flat, they lay an egg here and there, just to turn it on for the playoffs. Now? They looked Kansas City-level flat. I don’t know what to make of these guys anymore. Just in case, my newly acquired gambling addiction will stay away from the Giants at all costs… literally.

TJ: Well, the Giants should’ve turned it on a couple of weeks ago, and they still look flat. Elisha Manning had another bad game, and I’m ready to question her elite status again. Sure, you have two super bowl rings, but what have you done lately? At least she can always look on the bright side:


or the Chargers QB for that matter


13.- Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 16)
Record: 8-6 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 15: Won at St. Louis, 36-22
Week 16: at Houston
Fez: So alright. After completely obliterating the Rams, Adrian Peterson needs to average exactly 147 rushing yards in his final 2 games to break Eric twinkyerson’s record. No easy task, though: Texans and Packers. It’s just too bad Brett Favre isn’t related to the Packers in any way anymore. He’d tell the defense to part like the Red Sea. The always-generous Brett Favre: giving away season records and dong pics.

TJ: We have tests for PEDs, a HGH test is being developed right now, and all that stuff. Have we considered testing for cyborg parts? I’m running out of ways of saying how AWESOME Adrian Peterson has been this year, and I keep falling short. He’s no human. There’s absolutely no way. I read a piece on Grantland about Dr. Andrews after he performed the surgery on Peterson, you can read it here.. The ACL pretty much healed itself!!


14.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 15)
Record: 8-6 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 15: Won at Philadelphia, 34-13 (TNF)
Week 16: at Pittsburgh
TJ: How ‘bout them Bengals!! They control their own destiny, and a win against the Steelers would put them in the Wild Card. Add that to a Ravens loss and we’d have a tie for first place in the AFC North. This is unbelievable for a team coached by Marvin Lewis, who still hasn’t made the news with bonehead decisions, and yes, I know I say that every week and you’re probably getting tired of it, but with the impending firing of Andy Reid and Norv Turner, we’ll run out of coaches to make fun of. Come on, Marvin!! You still have two games to go!!

Fez: “We’ll run out of coaches to make fun ofâ€￾? Just remember: we’ll always have Paris… and Jason Garrett.


15.- Chicago Bears (Last week: 3)
Record: 8-6 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 15: Lost vs Green Bay, 21-13
Week 16: at Arizona
Fez: You know what’s sad? Jay Cutler could very well be into the “Greatest Bears QB of all-timeâ€￾ debate, and they still can’t make the playoffs with him on board. So what gives? Right now they’re out of the playoffs picture, being in 7th place, losing the tie-break to the… Vikings. Not only did Green Bay clinch the NFC North division this weekend, which is always a big blow to all other divisional rivals; they also got surpassed by another divisional foe. I guess that’s what happens when the insane turnover ratio goes back to normal.

TJ: The problem with Cutler is that he only has one 16-game season in his file. It was his last year with the Broncos, when they epically collapsed and lost a 4-game lead with 4 games to go to the Chargers. If he could stay healthy, the Bears would be in the playoffs every year!! In fact, I’ll borrow a gag from our Jedi Master Bill Simmons, and change Cutler’s full name to Jay Cutler If He Stays Healthy. I think it’s fair.


16.- New Orleans Saints (Last week: 20)
Record: 6-8 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 15: Won vs Tampa Bay, 0-41
Week 16: at Dallas
Fez: The King of Whineland gets to pick the Cowboys’ trash secondary apart next week? That’s unfair. By the way, shut up already, Brees. Your boys got caught, and the only reason why the suspensions were vacated is because the league hecked up the investigation process. If I were you, I’d shut up and let it go.

TJ: Wait, what? That’s this week’s bountygate rant? You’re getting soft, Fezzy. Now, with the Cowboys winning 5 of the last 6 and controlling their playoff destiny, I’m now totally expecting to see Garrett in the Cowboys sideline next year. Bummer. But I still have faith that someday my team will be coached by Sean Payton, and start Russell Wilson at QB. I can dream, right?

Fez: **Adding a PS3 and Madden ’12 to the list of X-mas gifts. To: TJ**


17.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 17)
Record: 7-7 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 15: Lost at Dallas, 24-27 (OT)
Week 16: vs Cincinnati
TJ: I cannot remember a Steelers team this bad on defense. Missing tackles everywhere!! I blame it on the bee uniforms. Or maybe it was the fact that every time they tackled DeMarco Murray on Sunday, his bare butt was getting exposed. That would freak me out too.

[nsfw][/nsfw]

Fez: For some odd reason, right after I read TJ’s part on the Steelers, I kept picturing the scene on “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larryâ€￾ where the firemen crew is in the showers. Ving Rhames (at this point having come out of the closet) enters, one of the dudes drops the soap, and everyone’s too terrified to pick it up; Rhames does it, and he begins rubbing soap on his body as he starts prancing and singing… the paycheck for that scene HAD to be enormous… not as enormous as Rhames’ butt but… wait, why am I saying this? Jessica Biel in lingerie! Jessica Biel in lingerie! Jessica Biel in lingerie! Jessica Biel in lingerie!

TJ: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!! Calm the heck down!!!



18.- Miami Dolphins (Last week: 18)
Record: 6-8 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 15: Won vs Jacksonville, 3-24
Week 16: vs Buffalo
TJ: So I was taking a look at the playoff scenarios for the two weeks remaining in the schedule, and I noticed the Dolphins are still alive!! Holy crap!! When did the AFC become this bad?

Fez: It’s almost as if the Cowboys got switched to that Conference. Unreal. By the way, the Cowboys are so bad, they’d only be a 6th seed if they effectively switched to the AFC.


19.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 14)
Record: 6-8 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 15: Trashed at New Orleans, 0-41
Week 16: vs St. Louis
Fez: Some shaky performances the past few weeks, and the wheels finally came off of the Schiamobile. It’s a good thing, though, instead of going to the playoffs he gets to enjoy a few extra weeks to meditate on his snitchy victory-formation disruption. The lesson, as always, Karma is a snitch. Oh, and kudos to me for not falling into a gambling trap; right after placing money on the niners, I kept staring at the books the same way Andy Reid stares at his 2-pt conversion chart and considered placing bets on… *drum roll* Giants and Bucs. Holy crap.

TJ: The bully Schiano found his match in a very pissed Saints team. Back to Fez’s gambling addiction: What’s the over/under of pesos he’ll place on the Redskins in week 17, if that’s a win-and-get-in game? 200? 400? 1000? (A dollar is worth about 12.80 pesos these days; feel free to do the math). I can’t wait to read that tweet “just bet the house on the Redskins. Screw the Cowboysâ€￾. It’s a win-win for everybody, because if he wins, he’ll get confident and go broke before the Super Bowl, but if he losses, it won’t matter if the 49ers win the Super Bowl, he’ll have a miserable offseason. I can’t wait.

Fez: Just so you know, a thousand pesos won’t make or break my offseason. In fact, that’s the minimum bid I’m considering on spending these playoffs. I know, there is no way this is going to end well.


20.- St. Louis Rams (Last week: 19)
Record: 6-7-1 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 15: Lost vs Minnesota, 36-22
Week 16: at Tampa Bay
Fez: I loved the way they played this Sunday. “Hey, we’re facing the one guy threatening to break a record belonging to one of the All-Time-Greats of our franchise. Mmmhh… screw it, let’s focus on stopping Christian Ponder insteadâ€￾. Brilliant game-planning. Bruce Coslet would be proud.

TJ: That’s the tastefully named Christian Ponder for you. I feel bad for Rams fans. Unable to get RGIII due to Sam Bradford’s monstrosity of a contract (and they can thank the past CBA for that), they gave him away for a lot of first round picks. I think they’re safe with them, since Jeff Fisher is a good coach and can use them right, but come on…would you rather have 3 first round picks or RGIII? The jury is still out on Sam Bradford…he hasn’t been as impressive as he was in his rookie year.


21.- Cleveland Browns (Last week: 22)
Record: 5-9 (4th in AFC North)
Week 15: Lost vs Washington, 38-21
Week 16: at Denver
TJ: I’m giving them a mulligan because a 4-game winning streak would be too much even for the Mayans. Now they have a chance against the recently cursed Broncos, and if Fez is right about that curse, they might break the top-20 for the first time in the history of Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings. Wow.

Fez: **Rocky voice** If they can change… and we can change…


22.- Carolina Panthers (Last week: 24)
Record: 5-9 (4th in NFC South)
Week 15: Won at San Diego, 31-7
Week 16: vs Oakland
Fez: You could almost picture Ron Rivera preparing a presentation to the Panthers’ Front Office: “I won two straight games against Atlanta and San Diego!! We’re headed in the right direction, I swear!!â€￾ Anyway, on to my thoughts about the Sandy Hook tragedy. The whole thing is weird, actually. I read a very good point about it: most of the people performing these acts were nobodies before they did them, and their names are now forever known to the entire world thanks to the Information Age. It’s easy to say “let’s forbid the media from leaking their names!â€￾. Unfortunately that’s not how the people’s mindset works. What’s the first thing most of the people do when someone else hecks up at a workplace? Instead of searching for a solution, we start finding out who to put the blame on, then we keep pointing fingers and then after the person responsible for the heck-up is revealed and put to shame, we start figuring out what to do.

Same issue here. The media leaks the names of the perpetrators because we as a society demand to know who could possibly did such things. We want to know if we’re somehow related to the killers, if we know them and we can point our fingers at them, at their families, as if that made us better individuals. We do a wonderful job at giving these hecked up minds the fame they could never get during their mediocre lives, and that’s how other twats keep coming: “I absolutely have to top what x guy didâ€￾. Sad but true.

And no, unlike the majority of the Mexican people, I don’t think this is a gun-control issue. Entirely different thing. I can see the point in keeping guns legal. I’m not going to extend myself much longer explaining why; I’ll just ask this question: would Sean Taylor be still alive if he had a legally-owned gun instead of a machete to defend his child and fiancée from a thief who had an illegally-owned gun?

TJ: I can almost picture Rivera pulling his inner Herm Edwards and screaming to the players in the locker room “WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!!! WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!!â€￾. As for my opinion on the Newtown shooting, you don’t want to read it. Too many republicans in this site.


23.- Tennessee Titans (Last week: 28)
Record: 5-9 (3rd in AFC South)
Week 15: Won vs New York Jets, 14-10 (MNF)
Week 16: at Green Bay
TJ: Too little, too late. Chris Johnson’s 94-yard TD run was spectacular, sure. But all his fantasy owners were long eliminated from the playoffs (me included) thanks to him. So thank you, Chris Johnson, for murdering my very last fantasy football season.

Fez: You'll eat your words next year and come back once again. It's a lock. Anyway, this game was so uninteresting that I chose to skip it and get some hot wings with my best friend. I would do it again everytime. What a sad season for the Titans. What if they stopped playing, would anyone other than Titans fans notice?


24.- New York Jets (Last week: 25)
Record: 6-8 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 15: Lost at Tennessee, 10-14 (MNF)
Week 16: vs San Diego
TJ: Thanks to some loophole in the NFL Playoff rules, the Jets entered this Monday night snoozefest still alive and in playoff contention. Thank God it’s over. Is this what our genius commissioner wants? Teams like the Jets sneaking into the playoffs as an 8th seed or something? Baby please!! I hope this goes to show him how stupid that idea is. In fact, I vote for forbidding Goodell from ever having an idea again. Who’s with me?

Fez: I'm with you. And what's up with this, schedule-makers? Did any of you guys have a beef with ESPN and stuck them with this turd of a matchup? Seriously, every primetime game was somewhat defensible, some had obvious rivalry stuff, some others had a potential matchup that got derailed by injuries and crapty play (Panthers vs Eagles, Cam vs Vick)... but this?! Was it an April's fools thing? Did anyone come up to ESPN and said "guess what, guys? We have NYG-ATL, two contenders fighting for a higher seed... just kidding, here, NYJ-TEN *troll face*". Someone hecked up worse than Mark Sanchez back then, and that's saying something.


25.- San Diego Chargers (Last week: 21)
Record: 5-9 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 15: Lost vs Carolina, 31-7
Week 16: at New York Jets
TJ: I had to double check what was written two lines above this: second place in the AFC West? Seriously? No wonder some people refused to believe in the Broncos. Do you think the Chargers ownership will look at the standings and think to themselves “hey!! We finished second in the division!! We’re not that bad after all!!â€￾ and then give Norv an extension? Would that cause the ultimate riot in San Diego? All of a sudden, I’m curious.

Fez: 7 points at home vs the 5-9 Carolina Panthers. Marty Schottenheimer got fired for WAAAAAAY less than that. But you know why has Norv stayed for so long? People in San Diego don’t care. The weather’s too good, the landscape’s too nice, the women are too hot for people to care about a pesky football team.


26.- Buffalo Bills (Last week: 23)
Record: 5-9 (4th in AFC East)
Week 15: Lost vs Seattle, 50-17
Week 16: at Miami
TJ: Canadians are good people. I’ve spent a summer there in my teen years, and they’re nice, educated, and always receive you with a smile. Giving them a Bills game per year is not being nice to your neighbors. Unless it’s Mexico. We would take a freakin’ Cardinals vs. Chiefs game. Yes, we’re that desperate. Between sending the Bills to Canada, and the Jaguars/Rams to London, I don’t think the U.S.A. is treating its allies in a good manner. Oh, right…the Brits don’t care (everybody but Goodell knows it), and the Canadians will forget about it as soon as hockey returns. Forget that.

Fez: Cardinals vs Chiefs? I hate to admit it, but you’re probably right. People would go if only to post pics on their Facebook and Twitter accounts. “Hey, look at me! I attended the game!â€￾, even though they don’t know the rules. A lot of Mexicans are like Troy Aikman recently said about Cowboys fans: people go to the game to be seen. Which probably explains why the Cowboys have the biggest fanbase here. Bandwagoners. I hate you.


27.- Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 32)
Record: 5-9 (4th in NFC West)
Week 15: Won vs Detroit, 10-38
Week 16: vs Chicago
Fez: I had to triple-check the boxscore here, and I still have no freaking idea what happened. How do they pull that off with only 104 passing yards? By creating 4 timely turnovers, that’s how, but I still can’t wrap around my head the thought of delivering such a dreadful performance and still winning by 28. This league is weird. I hated having to rank the bottom 10 teams. And Arizona effectively smashed my “rank Notre Dame, Alabama and the CFL teams above themâ€￾ joke. Well, then.

TJ: During the commercial breaks of the Steelers-Cowboys game, I was switching the channel to the other game broadcasted on Sunday: Lions-Cardinals. I watched Ryan Lindley complete a pass to Larry Fitzgerald for something like 3 or 4 yards, on first down. Fitz gave the ball to the ref, and ran back to the huddle with a smile only comparable to that of a pre-teen seeing boobies for the first time in his life. It’s been that bad in Arizona if Fitzgerald smiles like a little boy after catching a 4-yard pass, and that tells the whole story of the Cardinals season. I don’t think he even remembers the long, perfectly thrown spirals of Kurt Warner. Maybe the Men in Black erased his memory, I don’t know.


28.- Oakland Raiders (Last week: 29)
Record: 4-10 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 15: Won vs Kansas City, 0-15
Week 16: at Carolina
TJ: See? I told you they didn’t need Carson Palmer to win games. All they need is Sebastian Janikowski and play the Chiefs every year. There!! Add another one to the win column. The Raiders are such a joke, that they’re now playing Terrelle Pryor at QB. One would think that they had learned their lesson with JaMarcus Russell, but noooooo. They had to do it again. Are we sure Al Davis died last year?

Fez: All this blabbing about the Raiders is a futile attempt from TJ to acknowledge the cold-hard truth: Al Davis isn’t dead. He re-incarnated “Heaven Can Waitâ€￾ style and his soul now resides in Jerry Jones’ body. Give old Al a lot of credit: It wasn’t easy to get through all that botox.


29.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 27)
Record: 4-10 (4th in NFC East)
Week 15: Lost vs Cincinnati, 34-13
Week 16: vs Washington
Fez: At some point of last Thursday’s game, I wanted to fly all the way to Philly and give Andy Reid a hug. Of course, I have long arms for a guy my height, and my wingspan would barely reach Andy’s love handles, but that’s beside the point. How do you recover from that fumble festival? How do you handle the embarrassment of having a punt blocked by your own teammate? I mean, Reid has to be a good man for the whole league to be begging him to take a year off because he looks so burned out and he needs to straighten out some things with his personal life. We know (and more importantly, he knows) he’s on the way out of Philadelphia, and the Eagles put that embarrassing show. Shame on you, Eagles. Except for you, Nick Foles. I wish I knew how to quit you… wait, what?

TJ: Chill out, my good friends Eagles fans. The nightmare is almost over. You’ll be back at losing playoff games in one year, because yeah, the roster is that good, at least on paper. All you need is a young upcoming Head Coach to let your guys loose and have fun playing the game. As for Andy Reid, I recently read an article about him not planning to take a year off football, and wanting to coach again next year. Now that’s hecked up.


30.- Detroit Lions (Last week: 26)
Record: 4-10 (4th in NFC North)
Week 15: Lost at Ari… what?! Uh yeah, Lost at Arizona, 10-38
Week 16: vs Atlanta (Saturday)
Fez: This is gonna be the toughest coaching removal call in the offseason. Would you fire Schwartz? Would you keep him around on the grounds of taking them to the playoffs last year? Would you give him an ultimatum to have him improve the player discipline or else hit the road? Would you like fries with th… wait, that’s the primary line half the Lions roster should be using right now. Get out of here.

TJ: The Madden Curse works in mysterious ways. It couldn’t take Megatron down, so it decided to crush the Lions hopes. Either that or they crushed them by themselves with all the indiscipline. And I don’t think deciding Schwartz’s fate will be tough. Sure, he took them to the playoffs last year, but what have you done for us lately? It’s clear that the indiscipline in the locker room is tolerated by the coach, and probably encouraged. They need an old-school coach like Bill Parcells before selling his soul to Jerry Jones, to kick them in the butt around the stadium, starting with Donkey Kong Suh. Only then they’ll live up to their potential.


31.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 30)
Record: 2-12 (4th in AFC South)
Week 15: Lost at Miami, 3-24
Week 16: vs New England
TJ: Wow. Chad Henne looked like the real deal a few weeks ago, and now he can only score three points on the Dolphins. How the mighty have fallen. And to top it off, they get to face a very pissed Patriots team next week in a game whose line can’t possibly be high enough. I even wonder if Fez might put something in it just to make it interesting and have something funny to say about the Jags next week.

Fez: My thoughts exactly. They can’t make that line high enough. A pissed off Patriots squad eviscerating the hapless Jaguars? A lock. They may even have to take it off the books or else the casinos will go bankrupt.


32.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 31)
Record: 2-12 (4th in AFC West)
Week 15: Lost at Oakland, 0-15
Week 16: vs Indianapolis
TJ: After an inspiring performance by Brady Quinn in the past couple of weeks, the Chiefs have crashed back to earth, and taking their rightful place in the 32nd spot in our power rankings. Losing a game in which no TDs were scored by either team sealed the deal. Now, thanks to the recent tragedies, I told Fez that saying somebody should die is no longer a cool way to finish our article, even if you don’t mean it that way, so I put him to think during the week of a new closing line, and after deliberating the whole week this is what he came up with:

Fez:
“My suck is as endless as the sea,
My gut as big; the more I give to it,
The more I eat, for both are infinite.â€￾
Excerpt from “Romeo and Pioletteâ€￾, Fez, 2012.

 

WTF no Rivers comment? :icon_cheesygrin:

Oh and don't give Dean Spanos any ideas, Norv needs to go.

 

I shared this on facebook...

 

Thanks, Sweets. :icon_cheesygrin:

BoltzRule, For every edition, I have a mental checkbox list that goes as following:

Colin Kaepernick loving √
Fraudcons √
"I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!" √
FFL √
Philip Rivers mocking √
Cowboys hating √
Talk about the hot non-football topic √
Whine about bountygate √
The big finish √


My head probably checked the Rivers part after posting the Brady gif. I mean, if I photoshopped a #17 Chargers jersey in there, you'd totally believe it was Rivers melting down, right? :icon_cheesygrin:

 

This is one of the best things on this site, I love it.

 

Agree. These things should be in sports illustrated or something lol.

 

Good stuff once again, guys.

 

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate your feedback, and I'm sure TJ does as well.

 

I do. Thank you. We're expecting a call from Peter King any minute now.

 

Shared this on Twitter also...only here on GIF can you get these guys...

 

Great stuff!! Keep them coming!

 

Be sure to add our power rankings from all our contributors to facebook and twitter etc., it helps GIF and the members that actually write them to have access to more readers...