My wife has filed for divorce too (TJ edition)

I don't know if this will help. I just know I need to talk to somebody about this.

My wife left me a week ago. I arrived home from work, and she wasn't there. Only a letter which said that she had had it, and that she's leaving me. We were having problems in the last couple of months. I started a very big and imortant project at work which has caused me to stay at the office way into the night, and it started to happen that I would finally get home, and she would already be asleep. It's the same that happened two years ago. Back then she gave me an ultimatum: I either had to find another job, or she would leave. Fortunately, the project ended about a week after that, and things went back to normal. Or so I thought.

This time, I received no complaints, no warnings, no ultimatums, no nothing. Only that stupid letter. Over the weekend I tried to contact her on her phone, whatsapp, e-mail, and she didn't respond. I had to track her cell phone (technically my cell phone, since my name is on it, and I pay for it), and found out she's in her parents house in Monterrey. About 500 miles away.

Yesterday, a week after she left, I finally got a call from her lawyer. She doesn't want anything, not even the house. Only a quick, clean divorce, and never to see me again. She's accusing me of being a workaholic, that I'm not open about my problems, and that I technically "abandonded" her by not being home enough.

I don't know what to do. I couldn't bear to sleep alone in the house, so I'm staying in my parents house for a while, until I figure out what to do. On the bright side, we don't have kids, she has her stuff, I have mine. It shouldn't be that messy or complicated.

I don't know if I really am a "workaholic". Yes, I work a lot. And contrary to most of the people I know, I actually enjoy my job. The thing is, it's really hard to find an 8 to 5 job in the IT business. I guess I could find one, but cutting my salary to half (or less) in this economy is something I just don't want to do.

I guess that's all. This is the first time I talk about this "outloud". Only my parents and my broher know what's going on. I haven't told anybody else. I guess talking about my problems with a bunch of strangers over the Internet might help. It might not. I don't know if I care.

I'm TJ. I'm 33 years old. I'm back in my parents' house. This is not what I had planned years ago, when I left.

 

Sorry to hear thismTJ.

 

f**k, dude. So sorry to hear it. It's painful as hell. Speaking about it openly and honestly with family and friends helps somewhat.

 

Damn man, sorry to hear about this.

 

Sorry to hear this.

I wouldn't quit your job however. As someone who is actively seeking to enter the job market, now isn't the time to look for other options.

 

If your wife couldnt prioritize and realize that you had to work to pay the bills then perhaps it wasnt meant to be. TJ your going to be alright but. The team here at SIT Picks is pulling for you.

 

The great leaders of the world when their spouses or girlfriends said spend more time with me and forget your business they promptly forgot their spouse/girlfriends and went on to achieve great things.

 

f**k the witches, get money.

 

TJ...

Focus on the future, not the past.

Focus on what makes YOU happy and remember that only YOU can do that for yourself.

Focus on all the things you've wanted to do but haven't yet.

Life is good, my friend, as long as you allow it to be.

We have all been there. And we have all eventually found that life goes on, quite often better than before.

 

what kind of bullshit is that ? i have to agree with mark, she has another agenda.

sorry man, you're good peeps, you'll get through this. like chump said, focus on the future.

 

Sorry to hear, TJ

Only thing I'd say is it seems that both of you have drawn your lines in the sand & you're both headed in different directions in life. It's just the roll of the dice...

It'd be easy to bash her cuz no one wants to see a fellow mate in distress but it sounds that she's at least not 'paying you back' for her view of abandonment. Of course that doesn't make the sense of loss any easier.

When my 1st wife decided to call it quits & left, which is what I wanted too, I still had that bizarre feeling I didn't want her gone. It would come in waves late at night to the point of almost being hard to breathe. Made no sense...

The only way I got thru it was to do the only thing that works in these situations...keep your mind/time occupied. What you need is to diminish the dead moments when your mind starts feeding on itself & amplifying your loss. Pre-plan those times & plug in activities whether with family/friends cuz the more time you put between this event in your life & where you're now headed alone, the easier it will be to wrest control of those emotions. The less time available to obsess about your loss, the quicker you'll feel better about it.

On a side note, when you get to feeling better & less sense of the change, give some thought to things that she felt about how you're perceived. You may not have thought you were a workaholic but there may be some truth in that. Then when you meet someone new, you can 'package' yourself better to her at the start so you can get a feel if this new relationship may sour for the same reasons. No need to go thru the same thing later down the road. Let her know what you're about & take it from there.

Women are fickle creatures who will go for a long stretch with the insane "but I can change him" mission statement till, like what happened to you, surprise you out of the blue when they fail by dumping your perceived failures at your feet. It's been that way since the caveman era & by the look of it, won't change anytime soon. lol

Like everyone has said, you'll get thru it. Sounds like this won't stop you dead in your tracks. Just buckle up cuz yes, it's gonna be a bumpy ride for a bit.

Good luck...

 

If I were to choose a religion, tarkus would be my profit.

 

Hopefully you are doing well with all of this TJ. none of why she said she was leaving makes much sense so it may be for the best.

 

Sorry to hear that TJ. Well, sometimes things just won't work out. Time will help you to get over it and you'll find a new girl. Just don't tell her, that your a Cowboys fan

 

Trying to sleep at night is definitely when I miss my ex most. In bed is where we shared our most intimate moments, not just s*x, but close loving moments in which we bared our souls. I still struggle with it and have to remind myself of arguments and what I view as her flaws.

TJ, you are going to go through a myriad of emotions. f**k**ing share away with us, dude. I know, for myself at least, it helps to let it out even on a message board. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

I'm really struggling, man...I finally got next week off at work, because it was really starting to affect my performance. I made a few mistakes that I had never made before. Nothing serious, just things that annoy me. For instance, I had to start over a project estimation because I took the wrong data. I've always taken pride of my efficiency, and these things really tick me off.

I haven't heard from her. There are a few texts and mails with no answer. Even her parents won't pick up the freakin' phone.

My lawyer is working on it...this should be done by the end of the month, if everything goes right. Of course, I'm protecting myself in case she shows up a few years down the line demanding stuff she's not wanting now.

I know I have to move on, but I seem to be unable to, so far. I'm still crashing at my parents' house. When I go to my house, I feel so sad. It feels so empty. I don't want to sell it, or rent it. It was one of my life goals, to give it up just like that, but I don't want to be alone either...I don't think I should be alone right now.

I'll start therapy next week. My mom knows this guy who helps people deal with this stuff, but he's on holiday right now. I'm getting an appointment as soon as he comes back.

I want to thank you all for your kind words, and for sharing your own experiences. It has helped, believe it or not. Thank you all for your support.

Now...back to football sundays!! Finally a distraction!!