The Good, The Bad And The Ugly; Week 4 NFL

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by steeljake75, Oct 1, 2013.

  1. steeljake75

    steeljake75 Rookie


    Week four is done and that can only mean it is time for us (and by 'us' I mean 'me') here at GBU central to pretend we know what we are talking about and pontificate on the happenings of the past week. I think we will start with a numbers game so here it goes:

    5. The number of undefeated in the NFL

    4. The number of win-less teams in the NFL

    3. The number of seconds Eli and Ben have before they get sacked after the snap

    2. The number of times Tom Brady has pronounced his wide receivers name correctly

    1. The number of fingers Sean Payton is holding up (and it ain't his index finger) to everyone who has to play them this year.

    Peyton Manning continues roll, the Chiefs are scalping, the Seahawks are soaring and despite no one knowing who those wide outs are the Pats continue to do what the Pats do. We also have a Matt Cassel sighting in London this week and just in case anyone forgot, Dallas still sucks. Next week here at the GBU we will begin our top and bottom 5 rankings as well as contender and pretender. But for now we have plenty of meat to get to, so let's eat shall we?!?

    The Good

    - Buffalo Bills

    Well now... a close win against the defending Super Bowl Chumpions? Very nice fellas, very nice. I was sure 2 wins is what you would have before your January vacation started and it still could be. Though you do get to play the Jets again so maybe not so much.

    - Cleveland Browns

    Another team that I surmised would have 2 wins by year's end, and even better is this is 2 in row. One more is a streak people!!! A win against a division foe as well? Man it must be Christmas in Cleveland this week or something.

    - Detroit Lions

    So what do you get when an offense that includes one of the best receiver's in the game gets their running back back from injury? A whole 55 gallon drum of butt whoppin' that's what. It always helps when you play Jay Cutlulz but still, a convincing win over a division foe is always a good way to end your week.

    - Seattle Seahawks

    Ok, in week 1 I blasted this team for barely beating the Panthers. The next week they crush the 9ers. This week they showed they have heart. They fought back and held a so called division contender scoreless in the second half to overcome a 17 point deficit. I will grant you that Matt Schaub gave you guys a gift, but that was only one score. This team is for real people, at least until they lose.

    - Indianapolis Colts

    Do they miss Manning in Indy? Maybe for his hilarious commercials but not for his winning, at least not this week. Sitting pretty at 3-1 this game was a gimmie as they played the Jacksonville YMCA women's over 50 club, but hey... a win is a win, right?

    - Kansas City Chiefs

    About this time of year I am usually misspelling city with an 'sh' and asking if anyone still misses Herm. Not so much this year huh guys? I wonder if Alex Smith has Kap's picture on the heavy bag or just see's his face on his player's chests when he drops back to throw? Either way this team is butter cuz they are on a roll!!! (Ha! You know you want to laugh!!! Do it right meow!) Too bad we have to wait till Nov. 17th to see them play the Denver Broncos. I wonder when was the last time that the AFC West had a wildcard entry?

    - Minnesota Vikings

    Hey will ya look at that? Their quarter back didn't fumble the ball or throw a pick and they let A.P. run A.D. Great job, I offically hate you. Not like I hate Dallas or Oakland, but it is close. Now go away before I taunt you a second time!

    - Arizona Cardinals

    I should have put this team right after the Bills and Browns as I expected the Cards to have this many wins in week 17. Oh well... good job I guess.

    - Tennessee Titans

    It was the Jets... this is like winning a cripple fight. You win and people expected it and aren't impressed, if you had lost you get clowned for losing a fight to a guy with the IQ of a carrot. Take the W and move on.

    - Denver Broncos

    It would seem that Iggles haven't seen the Karate Kid. Let's peak into the locker pre-game this past Sunday at Mile High:

    Peyton Manning: Do we show mercy in this dojo?!?!

    Denver Broncos: No sensei!!

    Peyton Manning: What do we teach here at Cobra-Broncos Dojo?!?!

    Denver Broncos: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!!!

    Peyton Manning: That's right!! Now bring it in and Paps John's for everyone!!!

    Must have been an ultimate butt whoppin' pizza cuz the Iggles got treated like a dog that (insert Mike Vick joke here) and just had no answer for the Orange Crush. Ho-hum... another week another win.

    - Washington Redskins

    You know what the cure for being 0-3 is? Play Oakland.

    - New England Patriots

    Tom Brady knows so little and cares so much about his wide outs when one of them got drilled in the head in the end zone the Golden boy ran to the ref for a flag... then he went to the bench so the field goal team could run on. Winning is all that counts in Foxboro, and the count is 4 and rising.

    - New Orleans Saints

    Oh when the Saints!
    (Oh when the Saints!)
    Win again!
    (Win again!)
    No one is shocked cuz Sean is out for blood son!!!

    And as is tradition, a musical interlude:

    [ame=]Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch - YouTube[/ame]

    And now for something completely different...

    The Bad

    - Baltimore Ravens

    What the hell is going on in Baltimore? Not that I want you guys to win, but how do you decimate the Texans then get beat is a close one by the Bills and a rookie quarterback? Ray Lewis says you need leaders, I say you need a running game.

    - San Diego Chargers

    Yes you won against Dallas, but you are here because no one can figure you out, especially not you. One week you let one slip to the Titans and now you get a win against Dallas. How are we supposed to make money betting on you if you can't be consistent? Just stay sucky already...

    - Atlanta Falcons

    To be fair the teams they have lost to have a record of 11-1. But, if you want to have any chance at all of a post season you better get it together. I doubt the division title is within anyone's reach who is not wearing a fleur de lis on their helmet.

    - Miami Dolphins

    Three thing you should never do:

    1. Never piss into the wind.

    2. Never engage in a land war in winter in Russia

    3. Never get into a track meet or shoot out type game against Drew Brees.

    It is that simple my aquatic mammalian friends. Stay classy.

    With the cold weather on the way, we welcome our newest sponsor, The Bill Cosby Sweater Co.

    If you have always wanted to look like a granddad but don't feel like raising kids until they can have kids of their own, this is the sweater for you. Even loud mouth so called super star players can pull off the granddad look with our products, just look at Cam Newton. Just call 1-800-my-momma-dresses-me- for more info.

    And now we let hate flow like the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral! The nasty, the dirty....

    Thee Ugly!!!​

    - Cincinnati Bungles

    Who can beat Green Bay and then turn around and lose to the Browns? Not the Candy man, the Bungles can!!! There is no team in the NFL that cannot shake their horrid past like Cincy. Adam Jones even got arrested... come on man!!!

    - Chicago Bears

    This game was like the end of a Scooby-doo show. The mask was pulled off and we can now see the real Jay Cutlulz. 3 picks and a fumble were too much for the fake Jay to overcome late in the game. I told you guys he was smoke and mirrors.

    - Pittsburgh Steelers

    The Steelers pulled a page from the Bungles playbook this week. After letting Adrian Peterson abuse them all day they had a shot to get off the snide... but alas the fumble monster showed up. It is not like the offensive line could stop a pee wee team from getting to Ben, but a loss is just that.

    - Tampa Bay Buccaneers

    Hey now!!! This is the Bucs we all know and love! Complete confusion from coaches and just a suck fest. Bring back the Creamsicles!!!

    - Philadelphia Eagles

    A letter to Philly from Andy' 'stache:

    Dear Iggles;

    Miss me yet? Muah! Love ya mean it!

    Much love son!

    - signed The Stache

    Hey what ever happened to that game changing revolutionary offense Chip Kelly brought in from the great Northwest?!?! It must of got lost in transit.

    - Oakland Raiders

    Yup, you still suck. And now to make everything good, you will be playing at 11:35 pm Eastern on Sunday so no one with a job (that means everyone except Radiers and Cowboys fans) will have to endure your crappy game on a baseball field. Have a nice weekend.

    - St. Louis Rams

    Yes this team is bad, who is shocked? Not me. Next!

    - The New York J-E-T-S Jets!!!

    Is Rex fired yet? He is awfully quiet this year. Might be because the new GM isn't his buddy, then it again it might be because he knows this team is UGLY!!!

    - The New York Football Giants

    Ok, this team is so bad that Eli is planning on calling out sick to Thanksgiving dinner for fear Peyton will ride him like a fat girl chasing a twinkie. Tom Coughlin looks like someone stole his bike and that defense looks like they couldn't stop anyone from doing it. Do the G-men think they are the Jets or something?

    - Jacksonville Jaguars

    Well you scored 3. Just move to L.A. or London already!!!

    - Dallas Cowboys

    I told you so is getting old, so in the words of the great Dr. Sheldon Cooper I will now change from I told you so to this:

    I informed you thusly.

    I informed you thusly that Dallas sucks.

    I informed you thusly that Romo is a bum.

    I informed you thusly that Garrette has no clue.

    You see how much fun that is? Oh, before I forget there is one more thing:

    (Deep Breath)
    (Deep Breath)
    (Deep Breath)
    (Deep Breath)

    I informed you thusly they sucked.

    That is all we have for this week people, tune in next week when we'll hear Tom Brady say: 'I didn't order pizza, who are you? Oh, I am sorry i didn't see the number in the 80's on your uniform...' Send all hate mail, love letters and death threats to and find us on Facebook (The GBU) and twitter @GBUCentral and as always remember this is just my opinion and that and $219.98 plus tax will get you a Ibanez TS9 tube screamer and a Boss OC-3 Super Octaver.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2013

    ICECOLD 1st Stringer

    Funny stuff, but shall I presume SF has their own category this week? :tease:
  3. DaBears22

    DaBears22 Matt Forte = future MVP Staff Member

    Nice write up on each team. Yeah Cutler had a bad game but got to give the Lions credit, their defense played well.
  4. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    The Falcons belong on the Ugly List for the rest of time. Their philosophy of paying Ryan the GNP of Switzerland and giving everyone else bus fare is working very well. Tee-hee....