TJ And Fez's Power Rankings, Week 17 Edition

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by Fez, Dec 31, 2012.

  1. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    TJ is trapped at work and missed another Cowboys collapse, Fez has a busy weekend, Black Monday and the final installment of Romeo and Piolette. It’s the final Fez & TJ Power Rankings of 2012!!

    TJ: The 2012 NFL season sucked for me. This is the year in which I have watched the less football in 20 years: work and the married life (you’ve read about it enough) can do that for you. The saddest part is that this year, for the first time ever, I missed BOTH Cowboys vs. Redskins games. In my company we run the year-end processes in the last possible day of the year. Now, I lead a team of 4 excellent software analysts, and I was the one responsible to assign roles for this weekend, so it was easy, right? I’ll take Saturday, and let them cover on Sunday. It was going great, until my boss, the VP of Technology said “no, I want YOU to cover on Sunday because it is the most critical day, and you’re the managerâ€￾. So there I was, stuck at work all Sunday fixing a few things. I got home at 6:35 AM and called it a day. I woke up on Monday at about 3PM during black Monday on full swing, and while I was searching for Jason Garrett’s name in the news bar, I realized that I still had one more piece of work to do this year: The Power Rankings!! I expected a boring shift on Sunday night, and wanted to write during the night, but crap hit the fan right after I wrote the 49ers part and I should’ve stopped. After I woke up, looked at what I have written after that, and decided to start over. So yeah…I apologize for the delay.

    Fez: At the same time, yours truly had some unexpected appointments: a visit to some, uh, “friendâ€￾ (don’t go there, TJ); a trip to my workplace to do re-organize my office; some last-minute shopping and a spontaneous meeting with some friends I hadn’t seen for like a decade. We have lives, too. We are people, too. Oh well. At last, here are your 2012 NFL Power Rankings, Week 17 edition:

    1.- Denver Broncos (Last week: 1)
    Record: 13-3 (AFC West Champions, Homefield Advantage in AFC)
    Week 17: Won vs Kansas City, 3-38

    TJ: Peyton Manning was in tears earlier this year when the Colts released him (“I’ll be a Colt for lifeâ€￾…now that’s class!! Right, Brett Favre?). He then signed with the Broncos, and after a shaky first month where he looked, well, rusty, he proceeded to re-write the history books of the Broncos Franchise. Books that were originally written by the man who brought him there in the first place: HOF QB John Elway. Now, Peyton had 4 neck surgeries in the past 18 months that involved the word “fusionâ€￾ in them. A NECK FUSION. Just picture it for a second…I’ll say it again: NECK FUSION. And you want to give the Comeback Player of the Year award to a guy who recovered in record time from an injury it’s not as devastating as it was 10 years ago, and didn’t miss too much time at all, since his injury happened in the second-to-last game of last season? Baby please. Peyton is the CPOY and the MVP. Make him share either award (or both) with AD, but don’t you dare to leave him out, voters!! By the way, I can’t wait for the Broncos to reach the super bowl so I can use this image:


    Fez: Poor Tim Tebow. We can’t even get past the #1 spot without mocking him. Shame on you, TJ. Now, I wonder what the heck happened to all the Tebowmaniacs out there? Did they disappear? Were they converted to Peyton fanboys? Is Colorado, an particularly Denver, the Modern Times Sodom and Gomorrah? They ran Baby Jesus out of town; next they legalized marihuana. If for some reason Antonio Cromartie gets to play for the Broncos someday, I would take my cautions.

    2.- New England Patriots (Last week: 2)
    Record: 12-4 (AFC East Champions, 1st Round Bye)
    Week 17: Won vs Miami, 0-28

    TJ: Remember that week when I explained how if Tom Brady’s career was backwards he’d be a mayor choker right now? Well, I can’t wait to see the Patriots choke in the playoffs again. And I hope it is against the Colts. Are you telling me the evil Emperor Bellichick will beat #CHUCKSTRONG? Once again…snitch please.

    Fez: The evil Emperor did just that in the regular season. Baby, please. The Patriots are in good form, and really, I can’t believe they once again have a 1st round bye. Remember when the AFC East had a 4-way tie? Those were the times.

    3.- Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 5)
    Record: 11-5 (2nd in NFC West, Wildcard, 5th Seed in NFC)
    Week 17: Won vs St. Louis, 13-20

    Fez: Instead of wasting words with the Seahawks, Stinky Pete and the way that dope Sherman weaseled out of his suspension, I’ll share you a pet peeve of mine every NFL Sunday. For some odd reason, the broadcasting companies keep running this garbage of a commercial that should’ve never been ok’d by the brew company Modelo to begin with. Check it out:

    [ame=]Modelo Especial - The Drive - YouTube[/ame]

    I’m sorry, I die a little inside everytime I see Joe in that crap. I know it’s still money, but a man his stature should at least in non-forgettable ads. Come on Joe, have some pride, dammit.

    TJ: I mean…how broke does Joe Cool have to be to agree to appear in that stuff? Anyway, you’re probably thinking the Seahawks being this high has something to do with my man-crush on Russell Wilson, but you’d be wrong. Remember, Fez is responsible for 95% of the rankings (that’s why his name goes first…it’s in his contract and all), and he sent me the first draft with Seattle ranked here. Even I think it’s a little too high for the NFC 5th seed, so there’s no other way to explain it: Fez is trying to reverse jinx the Seahawks. It doesn’t matter. Me, as the reverse jinx expert that I am, can tell you since now: it won’t work. The Seahawks will play the 49ers again in the play-offs, and they’ll win. Yes, they’ll beat the crap out of the Redskins and that RGIII guy. This is this year’s team of destiny. There’s no way to stop them now. I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!!

    4.- Green Bay Packers (Last week: 3)
    Record: 11-5 (NFC North Champions, 3rd Seed in NFC)
    Week 17: Lost at Minnesota, 34-37

    Fez: Man, the Packers REALLY hate the Bears, don’t they? Having the chance to lock up a 1st round bye, they blew the game. Also, to keep in mind later in the season, if the Packers advance to the Divisional round and lose a road game: remember the moment when Tramon Williams committed a dumb penalty on third down, with the Vikings driving to break a 27-27 tie late in the game. That gave Minnesota a new set of downs, which ended up being crucial to score a TD. Say Tramon doesn’t lose his head; Minnesota only scores a FG, and the Packers take it easy on the next (and final) series to win. And let’s not forget the glaring fact that the Fail Mary game ended up being the difference between having a 1st round bye and a home game in the Divisional round, or having to play the Wildcard round and then go on the road the very next week.

    TJ: You’re becoming so predictable…I KNEW you’d write something like that about my boy Wilson’s game-winning Interception against the Packers, that ended up being the difference between the 2 and 3 seed. Well, too freaking bad. Every year we have a big heck-up by the refs that alters the standings. As for the Packers, it’s too bad Brett Favre (holy crap, second mention of him…I’m 56 Tebow mentions away from offer by ESPN!!) doesn’t play for them anymore. Just like he rolled over so Mike Strahan could break the sack record a few years ago, he would’ve had his defense roll over so AD could break the rushing record, and spend the next months discussing if it really is a record or not.

    5.- San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 6)
    Record: 11-4-1 (NFC West Champions, 1st Round bye)
    Week 17: Won vs Arizona, 13-27

    Fez: David Akers was spotted tossing his helmet against the 49ers bench. Hey, I’d act as an enraged roid-head if I knew I was going to be fired for poor performance, too. Maybe we can arrange a rendez-vous between him and Mason Crosby to start a support group for failed NFL placekickers. On day 1 they can have Billy Cundiff speaking on how it feels to be looked upon as a household name for such a group of individuals. The good news? They shouldn’t worry at all about their physical integrity due to threats from angry fans; former 49er and current member of the Lousy Kickers’ Wall of Shame, Jose Cortez, has a day-job as an Oregon State Police Officer.

    TJ: Even me, a full-time 49ers hater and Russell Wilson lov….I mean, fan, thinks we should switch the SF and Seattle rankings, but I’ll let you have your little reverse jinx thing. And you making fun of Alex Smith in our text messages earlier today. “Ohh!! Look how he hands it off!! He’s in the zone today!! We might have a QB controversy here!!â€￾. See why I hate 49ers fans so much? They’re either fanboys or rods, like Fez...and Jim Harbaugh…and Sweets (just kidding xD). I hate you so much (not you, [MENTION=521]Sweets[/MENTION]).

    Fez: One last note on the 49ers before the playoffs: I’m LOVING the Kaepernick-Crabtree connection. They just look as though they’ve been playing together for a long time.

    TJ: I stand corrected. You’re both a fanboy and a rod.

    6.- Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 4)
    Record: 13-3 (NFC South Champions, Homefield Advantage in NFC)
    Week 17: Lost vs Tampa Bay, 22-17

    Fez: This weekend, one of’s members (The Duke) started a discussion about which head coaches should/will be fired. He mistakenly named Ken Whisenhunt “Mikeâ€￾, and that immediately brought me to a 2005 column written by our cult sportswriter Bill Simmons, where he pointed out how it seemed like every incompetent head coach back then was named Mike: Page 2 : Under center of attention
    Just to be clear, if the Falcons lose in the Divisional round, as I fully expect, they may not need to draft or sign any players next offseason. Just fill out a petition to change the name to Mike Smith. I know what you’re thinking: “what about the other coaches named Mike, smartass?â€￾. Well, how about this: Munchak may just be the white Singletary (see, he was a Mike, too!) and nothing else; the Jaguars should’ve seen it coming for hiring Mularkey (didn’t they evaluate his coaching career?); Tomlin should start updating his resumé just in case he needs it a year from now; and finally, McCarthy and Shanahan both have an American Idol-like immunity (a discount double check courtesy of Aaron Rodgers, and Black Jesus, respectively).

    TJ: Interesting…Da Coach Mike Ditka would like a word with you. Once again, the Falcons are the “team that peaked too soonâ€￾. We have at least one of those every year. Last year was the Saints and Packers, before that I can remember countless Colts seasons. The Falcons are on a collision course with the ground and nothing can stop them. Fez has been waiting for weeks to wager against them in the playoffs. And I hope they face the Seahawks, to see his face turn green. It will be dirty money, buddy. You should just send it to my account. By the way, we have agreed by now that the pro-bowl is a joke, right? Not only the game itself, but the voting process. The Falcons could be frauds and everything, but they shouldn’t have less pro-bowlers than awful teams…


    7.- Washington Redskins (Last week: 8)
    Record: 10-6 (NFC East Champions, 4th Seed in NFC)
    Week 17: Won vs Dallas 18-28

    TJ: I hate the RGIII era…and it has been only one year. I need a drink…By the way, if I remember correctly Mike Shanahan had quit on the team by half the season, right? I guess he didn’t ask for his players opinion, because since that comment was made, the ‘Skins have been killing it. You know my stand for the Offensive Rookie of the year award (I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!) but since the media is in love with him, RGIII will win it.

    Fez: 3-6 before their bye week. Rookie QB, rookie RB, shaky OL (not as bad as, say, Arizona), bunch of scrubs catching the ball, subpar defense, and still won a competitive division. How is Mike Shanahan not a strong candidate for Coach of the Year, again? Yeah, Chuck Pagano or Bruce Arians or Stinky Pete (please shoot me) will likely win the award, but what Shanny did this season was nothing short of impressive.

    8.- Houston Texans (Last week: 7)
    Record: 12-4 (AFC South Champions, 3rd Seed in AFC)
    Week 17: Lost at Indianapolis, 16-28

    TJ: Sorry, Texans. There was no way you were winning in the return of #CHUCKSTRONG. Nothing personal. Now they get into the playoffs after losing their last two games which cost them a first round bye. Is it just me or are they not as strong as they were in the beginning of the season? Their window is closing fast…they’re just an idiot GM away from giving Wade Phillips another head coaching gig.

    Fez: Back in week 9, when we posted our first Power Rankings of the year, I expressed my concern about Gary Kubiak running Arian Foster into the ground. He did just that. Foster led the league in rushing attempts at 351 and added 40 catches. Yeah, you can make a point about Android Peterson having exactly 3 less rushing attempts and the same number of catches, but really, are we going to compare Peterson’s freak body and endurance to Foster’s? Bravo, Kubiak. You hecked up your golden boy. Next on line? Ben Tate at 65 carries in 11 games. And with Andre Johnson taking himself out of the “Best WR aliveâ€￾ conversation by being not-so-impressive, suddenly the Texans are crapping their pants at the thought of choking another home playoffs game.

    9.- Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 9)
    Record: 10-6 (AFC North Champions, 4th Seed in AFC)
    Week 17: Lost at Cincinnati, 17-23

    TJ: We have 8 division champions in the NFL, and I think this year’s Ravens are the least impressive. They enter the playoffs after losing four of their last five games, and they only pulled it off because the Steelers fell apart, the Bengals are still one year away, and the Browns. I mean, how many times has a team leading its division fired a coordinator? And it’s not like it has done much of a difference.

    Fez: Aging defense, a fraud at QB, bonehead coaches who refuse to use their star RB more. I’m not remotely surprised by the outcome. The Bengals poised to become the staple of the AFC North? It could only happen in 2012.

    10.- Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 10)
    Record: 11-5 (2nd in AFC South, Wild Card, 5th Seed in AFC)
    Week 17: Won vs Houston, 16-28

    TJ: What an impressive turn around by the Colts. A 2-14 team a year ago making the playoffs. Last year I found myself thinking the Colts could not possibly be that bad.

    Fez: Andrew Luck, T.Y. Hilton, Vick Ballard, Lavon Brazill, Donnie Avery, Vontae Davis, Coby Fleener, Dwayne Allen … all of them making an impact in their first year with the team. Ryan Grigson, kud-freaking-os! You are my choice for Executive of the Year. It’s gonna be fun to see Andrew Luck get into Raven territory and upset Baltimore.

    11.- Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 12)
    Record: 10-6 (2nd in NFC North, Wildcard, 6th Seed in NFC)
    Week 17: Won vs Green Bay, 34-37

    Fez: Truth to be told. I wish Blair Walsh had missed that last-second FG so Adrian Peterson would have a shot at breaking Eric twinkyerson’s record. Alas, that’s too bad. He still posted one of the best seasons by a RB in NFL history. I would make fun of AZ Cardinal fans by reminding people that the Cards passed up on Peterson for… Levi Brown, but that’s pointless: Arizona has no fans.

    TJ: Nine yards short!! Man, was that exciting to watch. Even the tastefully named Christian Ponder had a very solid game. I don’t know why some people think he doesn’t have what it takes to be a starter in this league. Sure, he has made some bad throws here and there, but who hasn’t? Be patient, Viking fans, I think you have a solid starter here…and you know…he has a cool name.

    12.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 13)
    Record: 10-6 (2nd in AFC North, Wild Card, 6th Seed in AFC)
    Week 17: Won vs Baltimore, 17-23

    TJ: How weird of a season has this one been? Well, we are living in a record-breaking black Monday…and Marvin Lewis isn’t involved in it. THAT’S weird. I really think the Bengals can pull an upset at Houston next week. I really do. But I just can’t take Lewis seriously. I’m still expecting a bonehead challenge. I think he has one more left in him. Let’s wait and see…

    Fez: You know what? I felt the same way after seeing Tony Romo win games in December. I was like “I just can’t take him seriously. I’m still expecting a full-Romo experience. I think he has one more left in himâ€￾. So you may be right. Just to be safe, I’ll stay away from Cincy if I decide to put some bets next weekend.

    13.- Chicago Bears (Last week: 15)
    Record: 10-6 (3rd in NFC North)
    Week 17: Won at Detroit, 26-24

    Fez: It’s kind of weird how the Bears finished 10-6 (TEN WINS!) and Lovie Smith was fired. Yeah, I know about his poor previous numbers, but I think he did more than we expected Oh well. I guess we’ve seen worse. Right, Chargers? Right, Marty Schottenheimer?

    TJ: And that’s why Andy Reid is the perfect fit to coach the Chargers. They only seem to be interested in coaches that fall short every time. If Reid doesn’t work, there’s Wade Phillips!! I’m sure his stock is high again after what he did with the Texans defense. I think Lovie deserved better. A 10-win season is still very impressive considering what this team went through. If/when the Bears finally get a 16-game season out of Jay Cutler, watch out!!

    Fez: Maybe Jay Cutler does it on purpose; getting injured so his lousy backup loses games and they fail to reach the postseason. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get home ASAP to bang that hottie? I know I would!

    14.- New York Giants (Last week: 14)
    Record: 9-7 (2nd in NFC East)
    Week 17: Won vs Philadelphia, 7-42

    Fez: Leave it to Eli Manning to show up with a 5-TD game well after 95% of the Fantasy Football leagues are finished. A 42-pt performance that was not enough to make the playoffs. Serves him right.

    TJ: And just like that, Tom Coughlin is on the hot seat again. No, I don’t think he will get fired, but we’ll be reading a few “Should Coughlin retire?â€￾ columns this offseason. He’s getting old, and there’s not much more he can achieve now. Think about it, Tom…you don’t want to end up like Parcells, do you? He retired 2 years too late. As for Elisha, her daddy’s master plan of having both his kids playing in the Super Bowl at their home town fell apart. Oh, well…at least Cooper made that killing Power Point presentation in front of his CEO. Two out of three ain’t bad, right?

    15.- Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 11)
    Record: 8-8 (3rd in NFC East, fell short again)
    Week 17: Lost at Washington 18-28

    TJ: You know what? I’m not even mad. I’m not even depressed, or anything. At least not because of the Cowboys. They do this all the time. They get your hopes up…you take down your guard, and BOOM!!! Kick in the nuts. Only this time I didn’t take my guard down. They constantly dug themselves in deep holes they not always were able to dig out from. Just like the season: A very solid play in the last part of the season wasn’t enough to make up for a shaky start. Thanks to that, Garrett won’t be fired, and Jerry won’t fire his GM because he’ll say “we’re on the right trackâ€￾, only we won’t. As for Tony Romo… at this point we know who Tony Romo is. He was playing out of his mind, he even set more Cowboys records, but when it really mattered, he fell apart. I won’t say much more because I’m sure you guys are just DYING to read Fez’s smack on Romo. In a way, I’m kind of expecting it too, so let’s read:

    Fez: It was tiresome to read TJ’s tweets and whatsapp messages, making excuses for the Cowboys’ shortcomings. “Oh, see, blown coverage leads to easy TD for the other team, blame it on Romo, Fez!â€￾; “Oh, Ogletree dropped another ball, that should be Romo’s fault, right?â€￾. I even endured his annoying tweets the mornings after Dallas’ wins: “This week, call me ‘Cowboy ;) ‘â€￾. Let me say this: Tony Romo: That 3rd interception was absolutely, completely worth all that crap. All of it. Here, let’s all appreciate the beauty of it one more time:

    [ame=]Redskins defense, INT - NFL Videos[/ame]

    Awesome, Tony. Simply awesome. I never thought you’d have another career-defining moment like the botched snap in the 2006 playoffs game at Seattle, but you just topped it.

    16.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 19)
    Record: 8-8 (3rd in AFC North)
    Week 17: Won vs Cleveland, 10-24

    TJ: Mike Tomlin should be thankful he works for the Steelers instead of say, the Raiders of Browns, or he would be fired by now. The Steelers have declined badly since making it to the Super Bowl two years ago, and missed the playoffs. There’s not much more to say about them. Let’s just hope we never see those awful bumblebee uniforms ever again.

    Fez: Yes, that’s a big perk of being hired by the Steelers organization. They kept giving Coach Chin a lot of chances until he won the big game in his 14th season. And it helps that Omar Epps, I mean Mike Timlin has a ring to show off. It’s gonna be interesting how he handles a rebuilding project, though. This Steelers roster is not sustainable as it is. Too many injury prone players, too many aging guys.

    17.- St. Louis Rams (Last week: 18)
    Record: 7-8-1 (3rd in NFC West)
    Week 17: Lost at Seattle, 13-20

    Fez: It seems like RB Steven Jackson has had enough of the Rams and what he possibly perceives as a lack of direction. In some half-joking interview, he stated that he’d rather walk away like Barry Sanders (too early) than find himself struggling on the field well after his time was up. Strictly speaking as a football fan, I’d be sad to see him go; I’ve always thought he was one of the most talented backs out there, but never enjoyed a great supporting cast. Look at the Rams’ seasons, for cripe’s sake:

    List of St. Louis Rams seasons - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    S-Jax was drafted in 2004, which coincides with the ONLY time the Rams went to the playoffs in his career. What a waste. Because in his absolute prime, there was not a better combination of size, speed, strength and receiving ability, save for some dude named “Adrianâ€￾. Now, as a Niner fan? I’d be thrilled. Jackson twice killed San Francisco this year. I’ll keep an eye close on this situation.

    TJ: Man, Steven was a beast in his early years. The only bright spot on very mediocre Rams teams. Too bad he was late for the Greatest Show on Turf days. The Rams won 7 games this year…If you take away the 2010 season, they had that amount of wins in FOUR seasons!! Who knew the NFC West could be this strong?

    18.- Carolina Panthers (Last week: 20)
    Record: 7-9 (2nd in NFC South)
    Week 17: Won at New Orleans, 44-38

    Fez: I guess I’ll join TJ in the “I hate Fantasy Footballâ€￾ club. After having two dominant teams with a combined 4 losses between them, I blew a semifinals against the top-scoring team, and in the other league I lost the final match because, somehow, the Panthers can score 44 points without getting Cam Newton involved. You figure it out.

    TJ: Add that one to my list of reasons why I’m retiring from Fantasy Football. I think we’re at 452 right now. Will this 4-game winning streak be enough to save Ron Rivera’s job? If it is, I’ll be convinced these GMs never learn. Romeo Crenel, Mike Singletary, Mike Nolan, and Herm Edwards are a few examples of coaches who have pulled this trick before. Where are there now?

    19.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 21)
    Record: 7-9 (4th in NFC South)
    Week 17: Won at Atlanta, 22-17

    Fez: Here in my home state, we have a shiny new touristic complex named “Riviera Nayaritâ€￾ (not to be confused with the Mayan Riviera; apparently they spent billions of pesos in building up the place, but gave a homeless person some chump change to come up with the name). Anyway, it was revealed that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were vacationing in the place, which prompted the pre-pub Beliebers to rush to the place with hand-written signs, only they forgot any trace of self-esteem. Check it out.


    It was rumored that one of them heard us Mexican males are relentless, great lovers, prompting the star to come down here to get a piece of us. On the other hand, Selena was merely enjoying the beach.

    TJ: This is the second time Fez mentions Justin Bieber in our Power Rankings. Guys, I’m really worried now. Should we just revoke his man card right now, or stage an intervention and try to save him?

    20.- New Orleans Saints (Last week: 16)
    Record: 7-9 (3rd in NFC South)
    Week 17: Lost vs Carolina, 44-38

    Fez: Hah!!! Really, Saints? 8-million dollars a year for a coach who hasn’t been able to fix your awful defense? That’s sad. But I guess that’s what you do when you downgrade your HC position due to running a bounty system, and find out your team was even worse, so you’ll hang on to the “saviorâ€￾ and offer him everything short of your first-born. I’ll now proceed to cash in my Saints-49ers wager. In the words of the immortal Randy Moss: straight cash, homie!

    TJ: Well, this Saints season proved that coaching matters. But yeah, I’m not sure how much better that defense would’ve been with Payton out there, since he runs the offense, but whatever. Now that Payton won’t come to Dallas, I’ll go back to regret the day Bill Parcells announced he’d return for a 4th season when Payton was ready to succeed him. That triggered everything: Payton became a legend in New Orleans, and Jerry Jones overpaid for Garrett because he didn’t want to make the same mistake again. Newsflash, Jerry: Garrett ain’t Payton. God, how much I hate you…

    21.- San Diego Chargers (Last week: 22)
    Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC West)
    Week 17: Won vs Oakland, 21-24

    TJ: Norv is finally gone!! I woke up this afternoon reading his stats and I couldn’t believe it: he coached the Chargers for six seasons?!?! SIX?!?! Are you kidding me? Six years is what a presidential term lasts here in Mexico, and it usually feels like an eternity (or in the case of President Calderon’s term, it goes by so fast). So I can only imagine what Chargers fans have gone through. But watch out… if they do sign Andy Reid, it won’t get much better.

    Fez: Rumor has it the Chargers want no part of Andy. Which sucks because that job was perfect for him. Aside from San Diego being the place where he resides, the weather is always good and the fans don’t give a crap, which is like Philadelphia, only the exact opposite. Anyway, though season for San Diego, with a losing season, finally realizing how depleted is that roster, and Junior Seau’s death in May. At least the nightmare is over. Unless they hire Ken Whisenhunt (the former Cards coach is interested in the job).

    22.- Miami Dolphins (Last week: 17)
    Record: 7-9 (2nd in AFC East)
    Week 17: Lost at New England, 0-28

    TJ: That was really, really awful. But at least Ryan Tannehill beat Tom Brady at something:


    Fez: I have a question. Last offseason, everybody (and I mean, EVERYBODY) was making fun of Jeff Ireland; he was the poster boy of failed GM’s because he: a) whiffed on Jim Harbaugh in 2011; b) whiffed on Peyton Manning; c) was the only one who took the bait on the Alex Smith soap opera; d) Reached for Ryan Tannehill. And now his name isn’t even thrown around in Black Monday conversation… and that’s because…? A 7-9 season when you face the Jets and Bills twice a year? Really?

    23.- Buffalo Bills (Last week: 27)
    Record: 6-10 (4th in AFC East)
    Week 17: Won vs New York Jets, 9-28

    TJ: Chan Gailey is gone from Buffalo. Why was he even hired in the first place? They should hire Gregg Williams and put a bounty on Mario Williams, who has been stealing from the Bills this season. Oh, well, at least their millions of fans in Africa will never know that the 90’s dynasty had a subpar season…please don’t tell them…


    Fez: The only way you lure FAs to Buffalo is by grossly overpaying, so I understand where they came from with that move. I like some of the Bills’ pieces, so the next coach shouldn’t have that much trouble building his roster.

    24.- Cleveland Browns (Last week: 23)
    Record: 5-11 (4th in AFC North)
    Week 17: Lost at Pittsburgh, 10-24

    TJ: Apparently, the Browns will blow it up and start over. Again. I’m sure the seventh try will be the good one. Unfortunately for them, their franchise QB turns 30 next year, and they should start thinking about a possible replacement. Maybe they took seriously that old saying “30 is the new 20â€￾, but I don’t know. I turned 30 this year and don’t feel as good as I felt when I was 20.

    Fez: Really? You look more like 35. And I don’t think it has anything to do with your smoking, or overworking. It’s due to… the married life! Good times!

    25.- Tennessee Titans (Last week: 26)
    Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC South)
    Week 17: Won vs Jacksonville, 20-38

    TJ: One more reason I’m glad this season is over: not having to write about the Titans anymore. They have really been the toughest team to write about this year, at least for me, because they were not good but they were not bad either. And I mean “let’s make fun of themâ€￾ bad. They were just…not that good!! And if you read another rant on how Chris Johnson made me quit on Fantasy Football you’ll probably start to hate me, so I’ll leave it at that.

    Fez: Don’t get me started on FF again. If I only had the guts to pick up the Titans defense, I would’ve crushed my opponent in the final game (yes, your league somehow plays its final match on week 17, did you notice?). 2 punts returned for TD? 2 pick-sixes? That will never be topped unless the Cardinals played Chicago with Ryan Lindley at QB.

    26.- New York Jets (Last week: 24)
    Record: 6-10 (3rd in AFC East)
    Week 17: Lost at Buffalo, 9-28

    TJ: This offseason will be interesting for the Jets, to say the least. What will they do with Sanchez? They can’t just cut him…it could make their cap space explode. What about Rex Ryan? What about Tebow? What about Revis? I say they should just blow up everything and start over. It’s not like the Bills will be relevant again any time soon, or the Dolphins will challenge the Pats for the division seriously… and the Pats still have a couple of years of the Brady-Bellichick era. I say start over, do it right, and you’ll be ready by the time the Pats are done.

    Fez: I’m more inclined to believe the Bills will threaten the Pats’ reign within the next few years if they get the right coach. Personally I would’ve fired Rex Ryan; he was equally responsible for that mess of a season. Lining up Tebow at punt protector? Just bury him 3rd in the depth chart and problem solved, come on. Sanchez is struggling? BENCH HIM, I don’t care if he’s your guy, it’s pretty obvious he won’t get it done. Your locker room is a circus? PUT SOME GOD DAMNED ORDER, you’re the coach!!! And Woody Johnson somehow fired the GM but kept the coach, yeah, that will work. I give it two years tops until they blow it up again.

    27.- Oakland Raiders (Last week: 29)
    Record: 4-12 (3rd in AFC West)
    Week 17: Lost at San Diego, 21-24

    TJ: I cannot believe we are on Black Monday and the Raiders coach hasn’t been fired. They probably are waiting for the holidays to be over, you know, since his dad died and everything. Classy move by the Raiders organization. By the way, nice game by Terrelle Pryor who had his first career TD pbutt. I’m still clicking refresh on eBay to see if he puts his game jersey up for sale. Yes, I went there.

    Fez: It had something to do with being Allen’s first year as a coach; he needs to prove himself, and everything. But if this season was any indication, he won’t last that long. He’s a defensive guy, and the Raiders defense was absolutely dreadful. By the way, Raider fans, have you all got over the whole “Darrius Heyward-Bey is better than Michael Crabtreeâ€￾ garbage? That’s what I thought.

    28.- Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 28)
    Record: 5-11 (4th in NFC West)
    Week 17: Lost at San Francisco, 13-27

    Fez: This week, TJ mentioned me in a tweet, saying I should jump on gambling on the Cardinals-49ers game. Line was SF(-16.5); I immediately replied “line’s too highâ€￾, to TJ’s incredulity. I was banking on Arizona scoring a garbage time TD, and that’s exactly what happened. I’m totally ready to get rich or go to a mental health hospital trying! Quick note on the Cards: did you notice the graphic where they showed the 6 QBs that have started a game for them since the 2010 season? 2 different QBs per season? And we still make fun of the Cleveland Browns? There is some potential for a similar run in the next few years; too bad Ken Whisenhunt got fired, but hopefully his successor continues the path.

    TJ: The Cards hecked up badly the QB position after Warner retired, and Whisenhunt paid with his job. I don’t know how fair that was because this is a guy who took the freaking Cardinals to the Super Bowl a few years ago!!

    29.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 25)
    Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC East)
    Week 17: No-Show at New York Giants, 7-42

    Fez: Andy Reid completely deserves to be fired, I’m convinced. He’s so burned out in Philadelphia and evidently needs a year off, although it’s rumored he’ll coach the Chargers next season, but whatever. Still, his shortcomings as a head coach have nothing to do with his quality as a person. You can tell he’s a good man, which is why it irritates me the way the Eagles gave up so early in their last game of the season. I wish Lurie was reactionary and started firing and releasing people left and right. Andy deserved better.

    TJ: Sources say the team bus left the stadium for the airport and left both Andy Reid and Michael Vick behind. The Eagles were so eager to start their vacation they didn’t even show up on Sunday. What a disgrace. I’m gonna miss the Andy Reid era, and most of all, I’m gonna miss seeing the Eagles choke in the playoffs again.

    30.- Detroit Lions (Last week: 30)
    Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC North)
    Week 17: Lost vs Chicago, 26-24

    Fez: Matt Stafford had 24 completions out of 42 pass attempts; Calvin Johnson? 5 catches. Why fight it, Lions? Why? At this stage, what’s the point in doing anything other than throw it to Calvin everytime, just to break the 2,000 receiving yards mark? It’s not like you have a coach that puts emphasis on team work and discipline, right? Shame on you. Calvin deserved it. And now he’ll definitely lose the OPOY award to Adrian Peterson.

    TJ: To all of you saying Megatron beat the Madden Curse, just look at the Lions record. The curse is like a mutating virus. It can get you in so many ways now, and I can’t wait to see RGIII on the cover of Madden 14 (everybody knows it’s happening). It will be the happiest day of my summer.

    31.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 31)
    Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC South)
    Week 17: Lost at Tennessee, 20-38

    TJ: Tebow to Jacksonville watch starts right now on ESPN and NFL Network!! Don’t miss any updates on this topic, they’ll have live daily commentary from Skip Bayless, Rich Eisen and a surprise guest to be named later. They might even have a few updates on that NFL Playoffs thing that happens in January…who knows? Stay tuned and don’t miss anything!!!

    Fez: I’m on the overwhelming majority that Tim Tebow will never amount to a lot in the pros, but you know what? This is the right move. Trade for him (it will cost next to nothing now that Rex Ryan is in charge in NYJ), put butts on the seats and wait until a real QB comes along. What are your options, Matt Barkley with his “Failed USC QBsâ€￾ membership already printed? Alex Smith? Ugh. Please no. Tebow to Jax, please. Let’s make them somewhat relevant again.

    32.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 32)
    Record: 2-14 (4th in AFC West)
    Week 17: Lost at Denver, 3-38

    TJ: Bad luck Chiefs: get the first pick in the draft, the year after 3 franchise QBs were taken. At this point, I totally expect them to give Brady Quinn a crazy extension, and trade the pick for five sixth round picks or something. Well, it’s time to wrap things up for the season. I hope you had fun reading us, and we want to wish you a happy new year. We might be back for the preseason in august, to make fun of the NFL and incompetent coaches and players. Now I’ll leave you with one last poem from everybody’s favorite poet:

    “They say you only reap what you sow,
    Watched Cassel and Quinn make those throws,
    Should have known better.
    Couldn’t imagine, couldn’t tell,
    Couldn’t see they just blow.
    Our contracts vanish as we
    Listen to creepy ringing bells,
    Hey, Geno Smith, welcome to hell!â€￾

    The End (for Chiefs fan’s sake, I hope so!)
    Excerpt from Romeo and Piolette, Fez, 2012.
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2013
  2. Sweets

    Sweets All-Pro

    hmmmmm. [MENTION=548]TJ[/MENTION] says I'm a fan"boy" or a "rod"....You have NO idea how much of a rod I can be...boy!!!

    Leave [MENTION=547]Fez[/MENTION] alone, at least he doesn't switch teams when the 49ers are doing crapty...