3-13 season for Lions

Discussion in 'NFL Smack Central' started by indysteve1563, Apr 15, 2007.

  1. Source: Drew Sharp, Detroit Free Press [ Full Article ]

    It's another glimpse into the Lions' cracked crystal ball, and unfortunately for them, the NFL gave them the hardest schedule in the NFC.

    Does everyone have the necessary tools?

    Kleenex? Scotch? Loaded revolver?

    Buckle your seat belts because here we go again.

    Sept. 9 -- at Oakland -- Josh McCown hits Mike Williams for the game-winning touchdown, igniting a celebration from Matt Millen in the Lions' suite. He's quickly reminded, however, that he had traded both to the Raiders for a used Harley-Davidson. Oakland 24, Lions 20 -- Record: 0-1.

    Sept. 16 -- vs. Minnesota -- It's the golden anniversary of the Lions' last world championship season and protesting fans plan a Ford Field walkout with 57 seconds left in the first quarter. In a pregame ceremony, the surviving members of the team parade onto the field. It raises serious concerns when it's quickly realized that these 80-year-olds move faster than the Lions' current linebackers. Minnesota 31, Lions 26 -- 0-2.

    Sept. 23 -- at Philadelphia -- They need a forklift to extricate Jon Kitna from the turf after getting sacked 10 times. A frustrated Millen wonders why the No. 2 overall pick, offensive tackle Joe Thomas, hasn't played better, but he's quickly reminded that he traded out of the No. 2 pick. Philadelphia 24, Lions 19 -- 0-3.

    Sept. 30 -- vs. Chicago -- Bears quarterback Rex Grossman sends shockwaves throughout the NFL, throwing his first completion to someone wearing the same color jersey as his since January. He petitions the NFL to have the Lions on Chicago's schedule every week, but he is told that there is a 30-team waiting list for that request. Chicago 27, Lions 17 -- 0-4.

    Oct. 7 -- at Washington -- President Bush invites Mr. 24-76 to a special White House Rose Garden reception in honor of his 100th game as the Lions' president. Bush turns downright giddy, finally sharing the stage with someone with a lower public approval rating than himself. Washington 33, Lions 20 -- 0-5.

    Oct. 21 -- vs. Tampa Bay -- Desperate after another awful start, Rod Marinelli combs the Buccaneers' coaching staff for any in-laws he might have missed. A 10-minute video review confirms Kitna accidentally completing a late fourth-quarter pass to a teammate. Lions 19, Tampa Bay 17 -- 1-5.

    Oct. 28 -- at Chicago -- Delighted the Lions actually achieved double figures in points scored as well as turnovers allowed in a game in Chicago, William Clay Ford Sr. offers Mr. 25-77 another contract extension that gives him royalties from all "Fire Millen" merchandise sold. Chicago 41, Lions 14 -- 1-6.

    Nov. 4 -- vs. Denver -- Dr Bly credits his new good buddy, Joey Harrington, for inspiring him in his return to Detroit. He picks off Kitna three times. It gets so predictable that the Lions just hand him the ball in the fourth quarter. Millen suggests changing quarterbacks, implementing fourth overall selection Brady Quinn into the lineup. But he's quickly reminded that he traded out of the No. 4 slot. Denver 27, Lions 17 -- 1-7.

    Nov. 11 -- at Arizona -- Disappointed that his stringent disciplinary actions haven't curbed poor player conduct off the field, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell threatens repeat offenders with a year of playing with the Lions. The NFL Players Association breaks its long silence, protesting the action as "cruel and unusual punishment." Arizona 24, Lions 20 -- 1-8.

    Nov. 18 -- vs. New York Giants -- Where's the pass rush? How could this be, Millen wonders? After all, he knows they took defensive end Gaines Adams with the eighth overall selection in the first round. But he's quickly reminded that he traded out of the No. 8 slot to move further down in the draft. Lions 12, New York 9 -- 2-8.

    Nov. 22 -- vs. Green Bay -- Kitna leaves the Thanksgiving Day game after the Packers' defense confuses him with a turkey wishbone. He doesn't back down from his off-season prediction that the Lions would win 10 games. He just doesn't specify the total number of years required. Green Bay 23, Lions 20 -- 2-9.

    Dec. 2 -- at Minnesota -- The Lions still haven't started a linebacker with fully functional limbs, leaving Millen scratching his head once again because he's certain he selected middle linebacker Patrick Willis with the 12th pick overall in the draft. But he's quickly reminded that he traded out of that slot to move further down. Minnesota 27, Lions 21 -- 2-10.

    Dec. 9 -- vs. Dallas -- Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo muffs a last-second field-goal snap again. Mistaking the football for a baked ham, Shaun Rogers scoops it up and rambles for the winning score. Romo is later voted the Lions' Most Valuable Player. Lions 26, Dallas 19 -- 3-10.

    Dec. 16 -- at San Diego -- Marinelli insists the Lions' poor record doesn't accurately reflect the substantive improvements he sees every day in practice. Manufacturers immediately mass produce those rose-colored glasses, the sales of which trail only Don Imus' new line of gardening tools. San Diego 33, Lions 16 -- 3-11.

    Dec. 23 -- vs. Kansas City -- Confused as to the Lions' lack of players, Millen finally figures out that he kept trading down in the draft order, amassing picks but forgot to actually draft anybody. Hailing Millen's brilliance for keeping the Lions so far under the rookie salary cap, Ford gives him another contract extension. Kansas City 31, Lions 27 -- 3-12.

    Dec. 30 -- at Green Bay -- The NFL ensured Brett Favre winning his last home game when it scheduled the Lions -- winless in Wisconsin since 1991. But the game's start is delayed 30 minutes when referees have difficulty unlocking John Madden from Favre's legs. Green Bay 26, Lions 21 -- 3-13.