Inside The War Room! Dallas Cowboys

Discussion in 'NFL Smack Central' started by Omen, Apr 11, 2007.

  1. Omen

    Omen Speeling Be Champions Staff Member

    Leading up to the draft, well be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Dallas Cowboys.

    Well, I think the war rooms all set, Mr. Jones.

    Jerry Jones: Wheres the heckin easel?

    Assistant: The what?

    I need a heckin easel! Have you never been in a meetin, Jennifer? I need a big heckin easel to write all my ideas down.


    Jones: And I want three different kinds of Sharpies. I need a red Sharpie, because whenever I get a really heckin big idea, I like writin it in red. That way, everyone pays attention to it. Then I need a green Sharpie for drawing pie charts. Then I want one of those markers that writes in shiny gold ink. Its kinda like gold leaf, know what I mean?

    Assistant: I think so.

    Jones: Well, I want a crapload of those. Because I like goin through all my big heckin ideas and then putting a gold star by the ones I REALLY like. Like if I say, Hey, what if we trade up to get Calvin Johnson? I wanna be able to star that little sumsnitch. In fact, write that down right now.

    Wade Phillips: Where do I sit?

    Jones: Shut up, fatty! You only get to talk when I pull this chain! You understand me!

    Wade: Yes, sir.

    Jones: I didnt pull the freaking chain. Dance, fat man! Dance!

    (He dances.)

    Jones: Ha ha! Look at that fat bounce all around! Jennifer, you can poke him with a stick if you want.

    Assistant: No, thank you.

    Jones: Suit yourself. Nothin finer than pokin a fat man! Now, I want place cards arranged around the table. And I want titles too! Remember my title?

    Assistant: The Boss Man?

    Jones: god**mn heckin right, I am. Son of a gun! Now, food. I want Einstein Bagels in the morning. Hey fatty, what do you want for lunch? You may speak!

    (pulls chain)

    Wade: Sandwiches.

    Jones: Wow! Arent you an incredibly creative mind! I never woulda thoughta heckin sandwiches on my own! Way to be outta the box! You stupid tub of lard. Lets get some fried chicken, and other assorted Negro food.

    Assistant: Sir, I dont think thats appropriate here.

    Jones: (rolls eyes) Fine. Well have Thai.

    Assistant: I meant the term "Negro", sir. Not the food choice.

    Jones: Ah, don't be such a tightass, darlin'. We love our Negroes down here in Texas. Now, be sure to order extra Larb Gai. Somebody always eats that crap before I can get a helpin!

    Assistant: Okay.

    Jones: Now, wheres the draft board?

    Wade: Oh, were using an electronic draft board this year, using Javascript.

    Jones: What?! Unacceptable. I want an old school draft board, with each players name and school written on a plaque that I can move up and down at my behest. It feels more God-like that way. Its like Star Wars, where they play chess with those tiny monsters. In fact, I would like little action figures of all 500 draft prospects, so I can make em fight! Make that happen!

    Assistant: Yes, sir.

    Jones: And I want the ESPN camera behind my right shoulder, so it looks like Im presiding over the room, which I am.

    Assistant: Yes, sir.

    Jones: And I need a bottle of Lubriderm close by, so that Ed Werder doesnt chafe my p**is when hes rubbing me down.

    Assistant: Yes, sir.

    Jones: Hey, fatty!

    (pulls chain)

    Wade: Sir?

    Jones: Did you figure out the conference calling equipment like I told you?

    Wade: I think so.

    Jones: Then lets call the ghost of Tex Schramm now and see if it works.

    Wade: You cant call ghosts, sir.

    Jones: Just heckin do it, Flubber!

    (one hour later)

    Tex: Hello?

    Jones: Good! It heckin works! Hey there, Tex!

    Tex: Can we hurry this up? I got another meeting in ten.

    Jones: You look here, you dead piece of crap! I spent an hour getting you on this phone. You arent going nowhere! I need you to help me compile my list of Surprise Draft Picks. You know, the ones no one sees comin.

    Tex: Ugh.

    Jones: And wheres the mechanical bull? Jennifer, take this list down

    Assistant: Yes, sir.

    Jones: We need a a mechanical bull, a LIVE bull, a 30 foot Tostitos banner, a 1950s style soda fountain, a pile of gold bricks that I can stand near at all times, a lifesize cutout for me for whenever I go take a crap, four mules, brownies AND blondies, ten crates of fresh cigars, a large cache of automatic weapons, Fiji water, a Bill Parcells lookalike I can shoot at, a mounted trophy of a mooses head, notepads and pencils for everyone, a bearskin rug, artificial stalactites that I can have dropped on people at a moments notice, a compass, one of those oversized beach balls, and a fresh cheese and fruit plate no one will touch. Got all that?

    Assistant: Yep.

    Jones: Now thats a draft room! Giddyfreakingup!

    found this on some blog, thought id give them credit for this funny butt crap

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  2. Blu N Houston

    Blu N Houston ¡Vamos Houston!

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
    I take back everything I said about your mom.
  3. Omen

    Omen Speeling Be Champions Staff Member

    i dont
  4. DawkinsINT

    DawkinsINT Tebow free since 9/5/2015.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: