Patriots Take Back 31st Pick In Bloody Coup

TJ · Apr 24, 2008

Oh, sweet Lord! Save us! Save us all! one blood spattered NFL employee screamed this morning as she ran in terror from the leagues Manhattan offices. The Patriots are killing everyone!

Minutes later the gunfire, explosions and cries of pain died down. And then a bruised and beaten Roger Goodell, his face a seeping pulp of flesh and bone, was dragged outside by Bill Belichick, where the commissioner announced through garbled words his tongue cut off that the Patriots had regained the 31st overall pick in this weekends NFL Draft.

The NFL took a draft pick away from us because of the SpyGate thing, said Belichick, his eyes aglow with the excitement of murder, as several scalps dangled from his belt. Thats fine. Thats their right. But it is also our right to take it back.

Belichick, Patriots VP of player personnel and several members of the teams coaching staff stormed the league office just after 9:00 a.m. this morning, killed the first floor security guards and administrative assistants, cut off the buildings communication lines, and then moved up floor by floor all the while the body count rising until they reached the penthouse and Goodells office.

We were all in New York for the draft anyway, said Pioli. Bill got to talking about how we were robbed off our 31st pick over breakfast and one thing led to another and eventually we decided to kill them all. Every last one of them.

As the Belichick-led bloodthirsty gang moved through the building, Goodell was tipped off to what awaited him, but was unable to escape.

When they stormed his office, he immediately begged for mercy and offered them back the 31st pick, said a witness. But Belichick wanted blood. I heard him say in this maniacal voice: With the 31st pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots choose to beat the sh-t out of Roger Goodell. And then all I heard for the next five minutes was tortured screams of pain.

Belichick refused to comment on whether he used excessive negotiating tactics.

That is in the past, he said. I just want to focus on this weekend and the draft. Thats all I can do. The commissioner will rule on the other stuff. If he ever comes out of his coma. Which I doubt.
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http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume7/2008-0423-patriots.html

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Patriots Take Back 31st Pick In Bloody Coup

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Patriots Take Back 31st Pick In Bloody Coup

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