I love fantasy football, I really do.
I learned the intricacies, a few secrets, even found a job in fantasy football. But I also will admit that there is a crop of individuals out there that like it way too much.
I'm not talking about your average boob, who at 6:30 pm is coughing up his lasagna on his computer screen because he is currently 2.5 points out of first place with 3 games to go, I'm talking about that individual who is teetering on the brink between lunacy and dementia.
But how do you know if you becoming THAT guy?
I thought it would fun to take a momentary break from all the fantasy football rankings, reading all the fantasy football draft packages, and fantasy football advice, and put this quick little piece out.
Hopefully, a few of you will cough up your morning Wheaties out of laughter while reading this—then I'll be happy.
1. You Take Mock Drafts Way Too Seriously
We've all seen THAT guy in the Mock Draft rooms!
You know who you are. You’re that guy who is blasting the other member for “drafting” too early on a specific player, or poking fun at Team StrokeMe for naming his mock team after a horrible Billy Squire song.
You spend so much time in the mock draft lobby, that a virtual couch with the moniker “Mock Draft Genius” has been set aside for you, and ESPN has considered making you an honorary Insider free of charge just to stop you from emailing them with your “concerns” over the current state of the mock draft world.
If you’re this guy, you not only like fantasy football too much, you have some significant issues you might want to seek professional help for.
2. You Make Your Own Fantasy Football Jerseys
Every football fan has their favorite team and so does every fantasy football fan—usually their own team they spent months constructing.
But the line in the sand gets erased when you’re rooting for your divisional rival over you own team simply because you own more fantasy football players from that team.
This is a problem.
But if you find yourself pressing a Roddy White jersey with the number 19 on it and it brandishes your Yahoo! league avatar team logo on the front, not only do you like fantasy football way too much, you might be in violation of copyright usage rights which is a prosecutable offense.
If you find yourself mass producing these jerseys for your league members out of your garage on Sunday mornings, you might want to close up shop IMMEDIATELY and lay low for a while.
3. Your Fantasy Football Bookie Offers You Financing To Cover Your Losses
There are two kinds of fantasy football managers in the world:
1. The ones who compete for fun
2. The ones who bet the farm on any given season
For the latter, the likelihood of losing far more cash than you’re willing to admit to the wife becomes a serious problem.
That is of course, until you haphazardly enter into a five-year finance program with your bookie, swearing that you “get the money back next week”.
While this is a very nice extension of credit by the individual who happily takes your hard earned paycheck every week, this is not sociably or morally acceptable in any way shape or form, lending proof to the fact that you might like fantasy football waaaaaaaaay too much.
4. You Find God—ONLY—To Help You Beat-Out “That Guy” in your League
This is actually more of a possibility than most of you may think, but a fun one to remember on Sundays, for those church goers out there.
I guarantee you there is at least ONE guy who receives the Holy Host, makes a B-line back to the pew so that he can have a “one-on-one” conference call with the big man upstairs in an effort to help him beat that “one guy” in his league he utterly hates.
We all have one.
Unfortunately, this story always has the same ending: Instead of just taking 20 minutes out to build the proper roster for that week, he relies heavily—and heavenly— on divine intervention as a “sure-bet” way to do his bidding.
If this has happened to you, you not only like fantasy football way too much, you also apparently need to go to confession for improper usage of in-house prayer.
5. You Unofficially Publish You Own Fantasy Football Magazine
It’s a sad state of affairs, but if you find yourself to be that guy who has hundreds of 8x10 color glossy photos of every NFL player with little blurbs of fantasy analysis attached to them, all whipped together with glue sticks and Plaster of Paris, in an effort to “unveil” you own fantasy football magazine, you might like fantasy football a little too much.
And you might want to take a course in magazine construction and design, because clearly you have NO idea what you’re doing—Plaster of Paris…what were you thinking?