Fez & TJ NFL Power Rankings. Week 1 Edition

TJ breaks the Guinness’ World Record of “the fastest someone complains about Fantasy Footballâ€￾. Fez can barely write due to Kaepergasms. It’s Fez and TJ’s 2013 Power Rankings, Week 1 Edition!

Fez: Hello everyone! Welcome to Week 1 of our 2013 Power Rankings. Week 1 is a tough one to read for all people (pro and amateur) who happens to publish this kind of feature. Our (my) biggest blunder so far might be underrating the Saints, a team that was in the bottom half of our list last week and made a tremendous 8-spot jump to reach top 10 status after a solid outing against last season’s NFC runner-up. Anyway, as you may remember last week, we ranked my beloved 49ers as the #1 team, stating that the act of looking at the roster list made me want to touch myself. Then last sunday passed and, OH… OH… YES!!!! YESSSSSS!!! Uhm… be right back. TJ, could you please keep this thing going?

TJ: Sigh…now we’ll have to rate this article R. Anyway…back to football, people!! Oh, yes…pizza, beer, hanging out with my dad and bro, while my wife and mom complain about how much time we spend in front of the TV…ahhh, good old times!! It actually started on Thursday, but due to the amount of work I have these days, I could only catch the second half of the opening game. That’s right!! Just in time to see my fantasy football season go down in flames (more on that later…you know the drill). It ended with another ride on the Romocoaster that as usual made me want to throw up. So buckle your seat belts, we’re about to have a bumpy ride…just like the Romocoaster!!


1.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 1)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 1: W vs Green Bay, 28-34
Week 2: at Seattle (SNF)
TJ: Is it time for me to accept the fact that Colin Kaepernick is a good QB? Nonsense!! He couldn’t even help my fantasy team. Yeah, yeah…400 yards, 4 TDs…still got obliterated by Peyton Manning in two of my three leagues. I’m naming him the Ramiro Romo of Fantasy…spectacular stats, but can’t deliver when it counts. I wonder what could I get for him in the trading block… (I know, people who complain to players about making them lose in fantasy…lame as hell, but bear with me…I’m running out of ways to doubt Kap…this is my last stand…)

Fez: Ahem… thanks. I’m back. Anyway, I love the fact that Kap is even making TJ a believer. And this is coming from a guy who will never give a 2-time SB Champion his due credit. As for the game, it’s poetic justice that the Packers talked crap all offseason, claiming they were going to stop the 49ers offense including the read option. How’s that for an answer, snitches? That’s true especially for Clay Matthews, whose classless antics drew the ire of a lot of people, and I fully expect him to be fined. Since he’s a star player, he won’t get suspended. Anyway, if you missed the game (and may god have mercy of your soul if you did), here’s the summary in one picture:




2.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 2)
2013 Record: 1-0 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 1: W at Carolina, 12-7
Week 2: vs San Francisco (SNF)
TJ: An ugly win is still a win. My boy Russell Wilson delivered when his team needed him the most, and now the Seahawks get the 49ers at home in round 1 of what must be this decade’s best rivalry. Now, let’s give the floor to Fez who is about to complain about cheaters, PEDs, overrated players, blah, blah, blah (or you can skip to the next team…you won’t miss much, anyway).

Fez: How that’s how the Cheathawks roll outside that sound-pumping building? 12 points to the lowly Panthers, alright! Championship! Anyway, I barely recognize my buddy anymore. First he’s this close from giving Colin Kaepernick his due credit as a legitimate star player; then he acknowledges the SF-SEA rivalry as the best this decade. Next up: becoming a member in the Church of Jim Harbaugh. Anyway, I don’t need to tell you this, but please, clear your schedule for next Sunday night: it’s gonna be a bloodbath. Bring it on!


3.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 3)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 1: W vs Baltimore, 27-49
Week 2: at New York Giants
Fez: Put me in the “Peyton Manning will eventually fade this seasonâ€￾ group. His arm strength isn’t getting any better, he isn’t getting any younger and his running game is really weak. Having said that, the Broncos will make the playoffs thanks to a cupcake schedule that includes the AFC West twice, the Titans, Jaguars and the Cowboys secondary. Hey, isn’t that a new record for me? Only three spots in and I’m already taking shots at Dallas, but I digress. That beatdown of the Ravens was a thing of beauty. Except for fantasy owners going against Manning. Thankfully, I wasn’t one of them, but I know someone who did: let’s hear from him.

TJ: So yeah, I gave in and joined two more Fantasy Football leagues besides the one I run. In one of them, I was especially proud of the team I had put together. It’s a league full of homers, so everyone was picking their favorite players from their teams, and I could focus on building the ultimate team. Somehow, I ended up with Colin Kaepernick, Doug Martin, CJ Spiller and Chris Johnson, and I thought JACKPOT, right? RIGHT? Well, this was my match-up after Thursday night:



Yeah, I got the Broncos homer in week 1. My ultimate team didn’t stand a chance. With the final score, I would’ve beaten any other team in the league, something that seems to happen to me quite a lot. Do you understand now why I DESPISE fantasy football? I won’t do it again. This time I’m serious!!


4.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 6)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in AFC East)
Week 1: W at buffalo, 23-21
Week 2: vs New York Jets (TNF)
Fez: Wait a minute, am I supposed to be impressed by this? Barely grabbing a last-second win against a Bills team that finished 4th last season and was starting a decimated, raw, rookie QB? I’ll give them credit for frustrating C.J. Spiller, which led to coach Marrone giving more carries to Fred Jackson, pretty much setting the stage for a RB-by-committee that mirrors the Bills 2012 season. We Spiller fantasy owners can’t catch a freaking break. Good news for Pats fans continue, as they get an automatic W next, in a short week against… Geno Smith. I thought Belichick’s deal with the Devil had expired.

TJ: Looks like the Patriots won’t be such juggernauts this year. And to think I penciled them to clinch the division by Halloween. Can I change it and say by thanksgiving? Looks like Belichick just gave the Devil a contract extension for 3 more years for a few million dollars and Danny Amendola’s soul. I don’t know if it’s fair, but Belichick will do anything to keep that window opened for as long as humanly possible.


5.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 5)
2013 Record: 0-1 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 1: L at San Francisco, 28-34
Week 2: vs Washington
TJ: I’m gonna go ahead and declare the Packers the new “Kaepernick’s snitchesâ€￾. Last January, these snitches were caught off guard by the niners read-option offense, and Kap had a record setting day running the ball. Now, after the snitches spent the whole offseason preparing for the read option, Kap goes out, sees it’s not working and proceeds to have a record setting day PBUTTING the ball. The lesson learned here is…I don’t know…Kap might be really good after all? I want to pop my eyes out…at least Fez has to think of something new, because I KNOW he was going to write something like this.

Fez: The game was excit... –oops, Boldin just got open again!– . Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this doesn’t mean the Packers aren’t contenders, they just happened to face a bet… –oops, Boldin just got open again!– Sorry. As I was saying, Aaron Rodgers will definitely have a bigger chip on his shoulder, knowing that they lost three games in a r… –oops, Boldin just got open again!–. Sorry, it’s just so blatant that I can’t ignore anytime Anq… –oops, Boldin just got open again!–. Ah, I give up.


6.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 8)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 1: W at San Diego, 31-28 (MNF)
Week 2: vs Tennessee
Fez: Yup, of course. After being touted as Superbowl contenders all offseason, and being praised for their retooling with the return of Ben Tate and the addition of DeAndre Hopkins, the Texans throw a curveball to everyone by almost laying an egg in San Diego. This reminds me a time when I helped a lazy classmate study for a tough test. I knew he’d probably fail it, but I still trusted him and spent some time explaining all the nuances… and then he proceeds to enter the classroom. Half an hour later, he comes out. “Yeah, I think I did pretty goodâ€￾. Uh, no. He failed, indeed. Why did I bother? I don’t know. Why do people bother touting the Texans? I don’t know. I swear this made sense right before I began writing it.

TJ: Kudos to the NFL for scheduling a Monday Night game at 10:30 PM ET. It’s 12:44 AM on Tuesday as I write this, and I’m looking at 2 screens right now. You know, Mondays are tough for me. So yeah, a big scare in San Diego, but they rallied back and took the win. Even when nobody in the East Coast saw it. Good job, Roger!! Good effort!!


7.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 4)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in NFC South)
Week 1: L at New Orleans, 17-23
Week 2: vs St. Louis
TJ: Tough loss in the bayou, but you have to wonder...why are they not running the ball? Why do they insist on using Roddy White as a decoy when everybody knows he’s injured? And why do you need a decoy anyway? You have Julio Jones, and Tony Gonzalez (who by the way, shouldn’t be washed up by now?). I’m starting to think Mike Smith is overrated as a head coach. Sure, he wins the easy games, and takes advantage of weak teams on their division, and the Saints coach being suspended and all that, and once it starts to get tough, they become so predictable. I kind of see this team falling in the rankings in the near future…I just don’t think they’re that good.

Fez: Going to be a typical case of overreaction to week 1. The Falcons SHOULD be running the ball more. You don’t waste a talent like Steven Jackson. As for Mike Smith being overrated, uh… was he ever rated high? Yeah, coach of the year in 2008, but I don’t think anyone’s said “yeah, Mike Smith is a top coachâ€￾. Maybe he’s a reason why the Falcons never get any respect.


8.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 7)
2013 Record: 0-1 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 1: L at Denver, 27-49 (TNF)
Week 2: vs Cleveland
Oh, hello, Baltimore. Missing Anquan Boldin yet? I guess you wish you had paid him 6 million dollars this season, instead of relying on jump balls to Torrey Smith and underneath throws to the relic tandem of Dallas Clark and Brandon Stokley. By the way, thanks for breaking my 8-team, low-risk parlay that had you losing by less than 8 points, heckers. I felt like a dunce after seeing my dreams of getting a nice pay-day crushed right off the bat. The lesson, as always, I’m going to be broke by December.

TJ: So…the Ravens crushed Fez’s heart in February, and now made him lose money, while destroyed my fantasy season by allowing Peyton Manning to practice his Madden skills with their secondary. A few more breaks, and the Ravens could become the most hated team in this column!! All we are missing is Jerome Bogger giving them a call again that will make Fez lose another parlay.


9.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 9)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in AFC South)
Week 1: W vs Oakland, 17-21
Week 2: vs Miami
Fez: Stat you may have already read, courtesy of Peter King: Andrew Luck has 18 career games in his young career (18 regular season, 1 playoffs loss), and 8 fourth-quarter comebacks. Let that one sink in. Granted, he had an easy schedule last season, and this one was against a putrid Oakland team, but being cool in adversity seems to be one of Luck’s greatest features. He’s going to need more from his running game, though. 86 yards in 20 attempts combined from Vick Ballard and Ahmad Bradshaw won’t cut it.

TJ: Didn’t Luck have the longest run for his team? I’m starting to think the Colts will regress this year…I mean, they should’ve destroyed that lame Raiders team, and they let them hang in there and get in a position to win at the end. Or maybe the Raiders are not that bad?... (thinking about it)….naaaaaahhhh!! Regression. It’s inevitable, guys.


10.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 18)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in NFC South)
Week 1: W vs Atlanta, 17-23
Week 2: at Tampa Bay
TJ: Ok, so maybe they’re not in FREAK YOU ALL mode…or at least they haven’t turned it on yet, but I got to say…that defense was impressive!! Is Rob Ryan a good Defensive Coordinator after all? Apparently, he is!! All he needs is a healthy roster and an offense that doesn’t heck up and puts them in impossible situations. What? You think this is a jab at Jerry Jones? Reader pls…you know me better than that…

Fez: Of course it’s not a jab at Jerry Jones. I never saw Jerry throwing stupid interceptions or charging the field to hit his own players with a 2-by-4. I wouldn’t be too excited, though. Atlanta stupidly gave up on the run. Why would they do that? Oh, that’s right, Mike Smith is their coach. Well then. I can’t be totally sold on the Saints yet, as they’re in transition on defense. They don’t have the personnel to run the 3-4 and the offense is prone to making mistakes if you bring pressure to Brees. But the NFC South? It’s totally theirs to lose at this early point.


11.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 15)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in NFC East)
Week 1: W vs New York Giants, 31-36 (SNF)
Week 2: at Kansas City
TJ: So right after the game ended on Sunday night, I turned off the TV and headed upstairs. My wife saw me and we had this exchange:
TJ’s Wife: Ohh, I’m sorry baby…did your team lose?
TJ: No, actually we won…
TJ’s Wife: Really? You look like crap…why do you look so sad?
TJ: I…I don’t know…
TJ’s Wife: You men shouldn’t take these things that seriously…

With that said, she went to sleep and I just sat there…thinking. My team had just won, but I felt like crap. Like at the end of one of those 12-hour shifts at work. That’s the Dallas Cowboys experience in a nutshell. I remember watching the game, and when the Cowboys went up 30-17, I felt exactly like this:



I didn’t want to watch anymore. I wanted to make it stop, but I couldn’t!! I wanted to throw up!! On the other hand, I had to see how it would end!! I kept thinking of ways Ramiro and the team could screw this up, you know, like they always do. At the end they won the game, but they made us all feel like crap while doing it. It’s going to be a long, fun season for us Cowboys fans, isn’t it? But hey!! At least we didn’t finish 0-16, right?

Fez: Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 Dallas Cowboys!!! Enjoy the ride!!! Anyway, all this sad attempt of a rant was missing is handing the game ball to the best player of the game for the Cowboys, the one who made the most out of his opportunities and put the team in a best chance to score and win this game. Congratulations, David Wilson!!! Wait, he’s a Giant? Well, this is awkward…


12.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 14)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 1: W vs Cincinnati, 21-24
Week 2: vs Minnesota
TJ: I got to be honest…I didn’t see much of this game. Not even highlights. So this is where I try to distract you, the reader, with some funny anecdote or story: In the next few weeks I have my schedule filled with special events: my brother’s college graduation, my sister’s wedding, a college buddy’s wedding, another college buddy’s wedding…and my wife is very excited because it only can mean one thing: DRESS SHOPPING!! Yes, dress shopping. Nevermind the fact that she has a closet filled with dresses she has only wore ONE TIME, and won’t wear again because apparently “people will notice it’s the same dress when the pictures from the parties hit facebookâ€￾. This is what social media has done to us…I look forward to next Saturday, when we go looking for those dresses and my credit card pays the consequences. BTW, I only have two suits, and I plan on wearing them both to the parties because I’m a man, and I don’t care people notices, godammit!! I think it’s important you know these things…

Fez: Apparently, TJ never bothered to read the fine print when he signed up for marriage. He probably thought it was all fine and dandy, with lots of s*x, parties, dinners outside, and the good deeds of having a permanent couple. I, for one, can’t wait to read him a couple of years from now, snitching about how he never sleeps because his baby wouldn’t let him, how much he spends on diapers, or wondering why babies need their bottles sterilized when he doesn’t even clean up bottle lips when he cracks a beer open. The married life, good times!!!


13.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 10)
2013 Record: 0-1 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 1: L vs Philadelphia, 33-27(MNF)
Week 2: at Green Bay
TJ: Paging Dr. Andrews!! Paging Dr. Andrews!! The stuff you gave to Adrian Peterson isn’t working with RGIII!! He looked rusty at times out there, and you have to wonder if training camp and preseason are still important, you know, considering this is the first action Griffin has seen since January. But hey!! Fine by me!! Run him to the ground, Shanahan. It’s not like you mortgaged your whole franchise’s future by aquiring him or anything.

Fez: There’s an unconfirmed rumor that Robert Griffin III is starting a new publicity stunt: Operation “Oops, I came back too soon, sorry about that!â€￾. I love it when gimmicks write themselves. It’s clear Griffin was far from the guy who won the OROY award last season, so Nike should probably step up with this: “Operation Patience aborted; Captain Kirk has taken over as the new Redskins Commandant.â€￾ Don’t forget about my royalties, Nike.


14.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 11)
2013 Record: 0-1 (1st in AFC North)
Week 1: L at Chicago, 21-24
Week 2: vs Pittsburgh (MNF)
Fez: Tough loss. The Dalton-Green connection is obviously working wonders, but like Indianapolis, the Bengals need more from their running game. And when I say more, I mean more than the crap show The Law Firm performed against Chicago: 14 carries, 25 yards? Seriously? Anyway, I didn’t start Dalton in FFL (for those 2 readers who put up with sports writers wasting their times with little FFL stories), but I’ll keep the war chant: THIS IS MY RED RIFLE!!! THERE ARE NONE LIKE HIM, AND THIS ONE IS MINE!!! PS: Why is Pittsburgh-Cincy on MNF, again?

TJ: Speaking of running game, our leading rusher after the Sunday games is Terrell Pryor, and if you pay attention (I hope you don’t…why else would I be here?), he’s a quarterback…sort of. So how long until the running back position becomes so irrelevant punters will start making more money? As for the Bengals, tough loss on the road, but after looking at the Ravens, Steelers, and Browns, they still should win the NFC North, unless Marvin Lewis starts screwing up like in the old days. Don’t rule that out.


15.- New York Giants (Last Week: 13)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in NFC East)
Week 1: L at Dallas, 31-36 (SNF)
Week 2: vs Denver
TJ: It’s good to see the Giants already in mid-season form. The turnovers, the sloppy play, Elisha Manning pulling a Hall of Fame Manning face, Coughlin’s face going through all 256 colours a 90’s computer can display…it brought back memories!! That can only mean the G-men will rally again late in the season to fix all these heck-ups, so watch out. By the way…How many times will David Wilson wash and wax old Coughlin’s car? I’m saying 20-30 times before we see him on the field again.

Fez: Oh, I remember the days when Doug Martin vs David Wilson was an actual choice I had to make in a fantasy league. It’s a shame for Eli Manning that he couldn’t keep his winning streak at Cowboys Stadium alive. Now I have one less thing to make fun about to TJ. I hope the balance of like rewards me by making Ramiro Romo throw the dumbest interception of all time when these two teams play again.


16.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 16)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in NFC West)
Week 1: W vs Arizona, 24-27
Week 2: at Atlanta
TJ: We were switching back and forth during the 49ers-Packers game to the Rams-Cards game, because those were the only games in the 4:00 pm ET slot, which got me thinking…why the hell is the NFL Scheduling 9 games in the 1:00 pm ET slot and only two at 4:00 PM? As I said, I’ll have lots of parties in the upcoming weeks, which means I’ll sleep late a little drunk…unless I get to drive, then I won’t be able to drink…but still, I’ll be going to bed at 3 or 4 AM Sunday mornings, and getting up before noon (we are in central time here in Central Mexico) will be a titanic task for me. I’m 31 years old. I need 9-10 hours sleep on weekends. Roger, can we have more games at 4:00 pm? Thank you!!

Fez: I don’t know whether TJ is aging in dog years, or in Eddie George years. Regardless, I bet he surprised the readers by stating he was switching back and forth between the Niners and Rams games. Why would someone do that, aside from Arizona, St. Louis and the few Rams fans left off from their L.A. years? Beats the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s his man-crush on Larry Fitzgerald. It’s a good thing his wife doesn’t read these Rankings… or does she?


17.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 12)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in in NFC North)
Week 1: L at Detroit, 24-34
Week 2: at Chicago
TJ: Of course Adrian Peterson took his first carry of the season to the house in a 78-yard TD run. He must have rushed for close to 300 yards after that which will put him in the MVP conversation again and……what? He finished with 94? Wow…what happened? Did his bionic leg run out of batteries?

Fez: So, Leslie Frazer… even my grandmother knows the Vikings success depends solely on Adrian Peterson beating the crap out of the opposition all by himself. And the Lions (THE LIONS!!!) of all teams managed to allow less than 1 yard-per-carry aside from that first TD. I’ve got bad news for you, coach:




18.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 21)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 1: W at Cleveland, 23-10
Week 2: at Indianapolis
Fez: Good job taking care of business against a stout defense. So far it seems Ryan Tannehill might not be a totally wasted pick (as opposed to, you know, Blaine Gabbert), but on the other hand, this is another team with putrid running game. By the way, I can safely say that the collective reaction around the league was: “Oh, so THAT’S WHY Pittsburgh chose to pay Antonio Brown instead of Mike Wallaceâ€￾. Wallace’s snitching is a damning red flag for coach Philbin, and he better does something about it.

TJ: RYAN TANNEHILL!! I ALWAYS LIKED HIM!! Well, maybe not…but so far so good, right? And now they face a Colts defense that just made Terrell Pryor look like Michael Vick out there. I don’t know if that counts as a compliment for Pryor, but that’s the best I can do. As for Wallace, ever since T.O. and Ochocinco left us, there was a shortage of diva WRs in the league. Dez Bryant was heading there, but he was grounded by Jerry Jones and that was it. One of the few good things he has done in the past 15 years…


19.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 26)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 1: W at Washington, 33-27
Week 2: vs San Diego
TJ: Kudos to Chip Kelly for successfully hiding his Blur Offense during the preseason. Fez has been making jokes about having orgasms watching the 49ers play, but I really think Philadelphia had a massive orgasm on those first two series. The city of brotherly love, people!! I seriously doubt they can keep it up, I mean, these aren’t college kids anymore. And even if they do, as Brian Urlacher and the Giants defense have taught us, the Era of the Flop is about to start in the NFL. And you thought soccer was bad…

Fez: Whoever had Week 1 in the “when will Michael Vick get nicked up?â€￾ pool, you’re rich!!! Really, one game and he’s limping already? You know that that means, right? Oh yeah, I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!! Ahem, where were we? Here’s my solution: since there is no possible way to determine whether a player is faking injury or not, other than seeing that player head back onto the field 2 plays later, the player is forbidden from playing for a whole quarter, and the “penaltyâ€￾ carries over to the next game. So if, say, the Eagles run the Blur offense and a defender falls due to a “crampâ€￾ with 2:13 left to play in the second quarter, he can’t come over until there’s 2:13 left in the third. If the “injuryâ€￾ happens with 1:10 left in the last quarter, the player can’t play until 1:10 left in the first quarter of the team’s next game. And no, he can’t take part of the special teams unit, either. Everyone’s making a huge crap about player safety, right? Well, then! I love soccer as much as any average Mexican, and I acknowledge flopping is a widespread issue. It should have no place in any sport, and the NFL should take action before it gets trendy.


20.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 20)
2013 Record: 0-1 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 1: L vs Seattle, 12-7
Week 2: at Buffalo
TJ: Are we ready to declare Scam Newton a bust yet, or do you want to wait for the rest of the season to pan out? I mean, yes…he was facing a tough Seahawks defense, which doesn’t make it easy, but come on!! He’s in his third year!! The rookie excuse is over. The sophomore slump is no more!! He must be delivering now and he isn’t. The sad part is that Ron Rivera will be fired (which is not undeserved, by the way), and he’ll get a chance to start over. This is my week 1 overreaction. Come back next week when Newton destroys the Bills secondary and I write the exact opposite of what I just did.

Fez: In all fairness, the previous General Manager left such a mess that they’re hiring illegal immigrants to clean it up, because hiring legal workers would be even more expensive than paying Cam’s salary. And experts say the Panthers have the best defensive front 7 in football (apparently Colin Kaepernick is attracting all spotlights so the 49ers defense doesn’t get the credit it deserves). Why would they keep Ron Rivera, though? I have no idea.


21.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 25)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in NFC North)
Week 1: W vs Minnesota, 24-34
Week 2: at Arizona
TJ: Now that James Harrison is not in the NFL anymore (wait, he is? Who knew!!), Ndamukong Suh will be the new guest in Roger Goodell’s dog house. That was a cheap shot against the Vikings, and I totally expect him to be suspended now. It’s clear Jim Schwartz is unable to discipline this team. I mean, even Reggie Bush threw the ball away to the stands after his score. Apparently, selling memorabilia is not his thing anymore since he lost his Heisman trophy. This team needs discipline badly…

Fez: Hah, bust. Can’t even get through a game with a full workload without getting injured. It was a nice win for the Lions, though. They needed to start strong and relieve some pressure off Schwartz’s seat. On the other hand, I think this is enough. Suh needs to be suspended. Even fining him 25K per cheap shot doesn’t surpass his total salary for this season, nevermind his giant signing bonus. Then again, if the league had balls and pulled this off, Schwartz would go after the refs, or Goodell, or even rivals’ cheerleaders. He’s just a very angry man.


22.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 22)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in AFC North)
Week 1: L vs Miami, 23-10
Week 2: at Baltimore
Fez: Good old Browns. Doing just well enough to get their fans excited in preseason, only to suck the life out of them afterwards, Alex Smith style. Wait, why am I still giving old Alex crap? I need to grow up get over it, right?… Naaaah. Anyway, it doesn’t get any better for Cleveland, as they’ll pay for Denver’s smackdown of the Ravens by paying a visit to Baltimore. This could get ugly.

TJ: The defense was supposed to be the strong part of this team. They were supposed to beat crappy teams by score lines like 10-7 or 13-6 or something. I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. Ryan Tannehill made them look bad!! RYAN TANNEHILL!! Man, the Browns just can’t catch a break, can they? The clock keeps ticking on Weeden…he’ll be in the wrong side of 30 soon, and we still don’t know if he can be the franchise QB the Browns have waited for for so long…the 2 or 3 years his prime will last, anyway…

Fez: … Prime? Weeden? He’s only a year younger than you, and you’re a step away from being accepted in a nursing home.


23.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 24)
2013 Record: 1-0 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 1: W at Pittsburgh, 16-9
Week 2: at Houston
Fez: Do you remember what happened to the last coach who wanted to install a heavy-run philosophy with a subpar QB, and loved to throw for less than 200 yards, doing just enough to win against sucky teams and lose every time to competitive ones? I’ll give you a hint, he got fired with one game to play in the 2010 season and got replaced by a DL coach who promptly did a much better job in his lone game as the HC. I’m not impressed, Titans, and neither should you. Next week will be a much better challenge for you.

TJ: I don’t know…the defense looked way better than what it did last year. That opening kickoff safety was the dumbest play I have seen this season since the Denver LB dropping a pick-six two yards short of the endzone Leon Lett style…what was he thinking? Two bloopers that big and it’s only week 1!! This season will be FUN!!


24.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 17)
2013 Record: 0-1 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 1: L at New York Jets, 17-18
Week 2: vs New Orleans
TJ: Karma works in some mysterious ways. Giving away that game the way they did…I mean, maybe Coach Butthole told his team to hit hard all the time, he just forgot to mention that they should do it in bounds. What will his punishment be? By the way, I enjoyed Josh Freeman’s audition to Dead Men Walking. Keep it up, Josh!! You might land the part.

Fez: More like “Backup Walkingâ€￾. If Schibutthole has a brain, he probably knows his style wears off quickly if they keep losing. And knowing that Freeman is not his guy, we may see Mike Glennon soon. How soon? Let’s just say controversy will brew after next week. It’s not looking good for the whole team. Even Doug Martin got stuffed so often that pourn stars began feeling sorry for him.


25.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 19)
2013 Record: 0-1 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 1: L vs Tennessee, 16-9
Week 2: at Cincinnati (MNF)
Fez: Whoa, this game stunk so bad, I would love to apologize to the entire NFL fanbase, and I’m not even a Steelers fan. Anyway, kudos to… JEROME BOGER!!! You didn’t blow the safety call on the opening kickoff!!! Who knew you weren’t a totally useless piece of crap who was way in over his head as an NFL referee? Here, you earned it. No, please, I insist.



TJ: The Steelers are in trouble. Not only was their offense, well, inoffensive, but now they lost Maurkice Pouncey for the year, and it doesn’t look good for Big Ben’s tired knees. He’ll have to run for his life a lot. And I mean A LOT. Hey!! Are they using those bee uniforms this year? Maybe they can put some wings on them!! That will make it easier.


26.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 27)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in AFC East)
Week 1: L vs New England, 23-21
Week 2: vs Carolina
Fez: Okay, so what do the Bills have to do to beat New England? We all knew that as soon as Brady had the last possession, that Buffalo was going to lose, but still, it’s heart-breaking. Tables have turned, as C.J. Spiller suddenly feels like the clear second option at RB for them. Here’s hoping he recovers from his family loss (not going to write my opinion about his grandfather) and starts kicking butt again. E.J. Manuel: not bad for the first career start.

TJ: So much for the Jeff Tuel bandwagon. EJ Manual was ready in time, which is nice and all, because the Bills haven’t had a franchise QB since Drew Bledsoe could still move. Yeah, it’s been that long. I’m rooting for them!! We make so many jokes about the Browns, Cardinals, Jaguars…but the Bills fans have really suffered. They haven’t made the playoffs in this millennium, which must be hard.


27.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 23)
2013 Record: 0-1 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 1: L vs Houston, 31-28 (MNF)
Week 2: at Philadelphia
Fez: So Manti Te’o’s girlfriend and a classy Philip Rivers walk into a bar… ah, screw it. It was going to be a lame joke that wasn’t supposed to go here because there was no way the Chargers beat the Texans, right? Oh, well. Something that I found funny: Eduardo Varela, one of ESPN Deportes’ football analysts (and play-by-play guy in SNF games) referred to Philip Rivers as a â€￾natural competitorâ€￾… uh, no. He’s more like a “natural douchebagâ€￾. And I missed it, but apparently the same guy called Robert Griffin, “RG3 IIIâ€￾: “Arr, gee, three, the thirdâ€￾. Wait, what? Ugh, I give up. TJ, what do you have to say about San Diego, their all-white uniforms, the lingering effects of Norval Eugene Turner on the Chargers, or the douchebaggery of Philip Rivers?

TJ: I think it’s nice that the Chargers are still employing Norv Turner. I mean, after almost 20 years of coaching, he eventually will get it right, won’t he?....What? What do you mean he was fired? Then how did this epic collapse happen? See, this is the classic example of blaming the coach for everything, when it’s clear the problem goes beyond that. Just like Mexico’s National Soccer Team. And Kudos to Fez, for almost making it 28 teams without a Te’o’s Girlfriend joke. Baby steps. WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!!


28.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 30)
2013 Record: 1-0 (1st in AFC West)
Week 1: W at Jacksonville, 28-2
Week 2: vs Dallas
Fez: Oh, if this game was any indication, I’m going to love the Chiefs season. Aside from being one step closer to sending a second round pick to the 49ers in next year’s draft, this is what I loved the most: 5.1 yards per attempt against the lowly Jaguars, on 34 throws. Less than 175 yards against the lowly Jaguars. 9 dumpoffs to a RB or FB against the lowly Jaguars. Only 21 offensive points put on board against the lowly Jaguars. Alex Smith, everybody!!!

TJ: Hey!! Baby steps, right? I mean, Alex Smith has had as many offensive coordinators as seasons in this league. Maybe a little continuity will help him. As he proved when he worked with Norv Turner, he might be a good QB in the right system. Yes. I wrote this same thing a few years ago. I’m sure Fez read it a lot during these years. It brings back memories. Speaking of memories, the Cowboys face Andy Reid and the Chiefs next week, in which will be my upset special: Chiefs 24-17 Cowboys. Reid knows how to play us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go try to fix the toaster with a fork…


29.- New York Jets (Last Week: 29)
2013 Record: 1-0 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 1: W vs Tampa Bay, 17-18
Week 2: at New England (TNF)
Fez: Kudos to the Jets for not giving up and attempting a comeback. I’m in the minority that the personal foul call on Lavonte David was really, really bogus and should’ve not been called, but whatever helped New York is welcome. Also, they happened to break my other 3-team parlay, as I had the Seahawks (-3), Chiefs (-3.5) and Bucs (-3). Oh, wait, that’s not good news. Screw you, Jets. Hope you burn in hell, and by “burn in hellâ€￾, I mean you get stuck with Mark Sanchez for another five years.

TJ: If that call had been made by Jerome Bogger, you’d be ranting like a 15-year old girl whose Daddy doesn’t allow her to go to Justin Bieb[CENSORED]’s concert. Apparently, Sanchez is going to see Dr. Andrews this week, which will see him landing on the IR. That means the Jets will go to war with Geno Smith and Brady Quinn. Yes, you read that right. How many more wins can they pull out of their asses?


30.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 28)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in AFC West)
Week 1: L at Indianapolis, 17-21
Week 2: vs Jacksonville
Fez: Tough loss, but at least they made the right call by sticking to Pryor instead of losing helplessly with Matt Flynn. Speaking of Flynn, has anyone in the history of the game made more money by hiding his incompetence? If I made such a list, my top 3 would look like this: 1) Alex Smith (not only did he get a big rookie contract, he got a second one as well, and keeps cashing checks); 2) Matt Flynn (he should be helping the city of Detroit with their bankruptcy) and 3) Blaine Gabbert (boy, were the scouts wrong with you!). Sorry, Jerome Boger, you would’ve made the cut if you hadn’t been chosen to officiate last season’s Superbowl.

TJ: YES! I did it!! I finally did it!!! Afer 4 years of trying and failing miserably…I finally did it!! Yes, I finally made it past week 1 in GIF’s Suicide Pool. Do you have any idea of how frustrating it is to be eliminated from a suicide pool after just one week? For 4 years in a row? And to think…I was this close from picking the Buccaneers…In fact, I changed my mind like 3 times before realizing “hey!! The Raiders are giving up the season. Let’s ride them until the end!!â€￾. But you know what? It was closer than I expected, so I might getting off the Raiders bandwagon. But with the pressure of making past week 1 out of the way, I can focus on the following week……


31.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 31)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in NFC West)
Week 1: L at St. Louis, 24-27
Week 2: vs Detroit
TJ: Larry Fitzgerald catching passes!! Larry Fitzgerald running with the ball!! Larry Fitzgerald catching Touchdowns!!! Look how happy he is!! Who cares if the Cardinals still lost? Nobody does, anyway!! We just want him to be happy, because let’s face it, he’s in a very crappy situation…

Fez: Of course he’s happy. You know that thing you say, that after two years without having s*x, a male becomes a virgin again? Fitzgerald became a rookie again. In his mind, he caught his first two career TDs last Sunday. He felt like he had never been in the endzone before. As for our “RUN CARSON RUN!â€￾ campaign, here’s the tally so far: 3 sacks by Robert Quinn, 1 by William Hayes. Quite frankly, I hope Carson Palmer had the wisdom to get insurance. On deck: Ziggy Ansah, Nick Fairley and Ndamukong-Suh-If-He-Doesn’t-Get-Suspended (that’s his legal name now). RUN CARSON, RUN!!!


32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
2013 Record: 0-1 (4th in AFC South)
Week 1: L vs Kansas City, 28-2
Week 2: at Oakland
Fez: There are no words to mock the Jaguars anymore. Seriously… Tim Tebow is by the phone awaiting a call. What do you have to lose, Jacksonville? I would love ONE good reason to not call Timmy.

TJ:
Scene: Jaguars in the locker room after their loss to the Chiefs in week 1. Blaine Gabbert is looking at his hand which seems to have a little cut. Coach Gus Bradley walks in…
Coach Bradley: Hey, Blaine…good effort out there. I’m sure we’ll get them next time:
Blaine Gabbert: Thanks, coach. looks at his hand
CB: What’s that?
BG: I don’t know, coach…I guess I cut my throwing hand or something…not a big deal.
CB: Let me take a look at that…oh, geez…no!! It looks horrible!!
BG: Does it?
CB: Yes, yes!! Hey!! Get me the team doctor, please!!
Team Doctor: Yes? What is it?
CB: Take a look at that hand
TD: Oh my God!! It can’t be…ok, kid…looks like you’ll have to take some time off so that nasty injury can heal.
BG: Really? It’s not so bad…I’m sure I can play through it
CB: Nonsense!! We need to take care of our Franchise QB. And if it means to sit you for at least 4 or 5 weeks so be it.
TD: Actually, looks like 8 to 12 weeks…that will need like 15 stitches…
BG: Come on, Coach…I can play through……
CB: Interrupts and turns up his voice volume No, you can’t!! Shut up!! Geez…I guess we’ll have to start Chad next week…let’s take a look at the waiver wire as well…is that Tebow guy still available?
BG: Oh, for heck’s sake!!
…aaaaaaaand…SCENE!
That was fun. I might write screen plays if this Power Rankings thing doesn’t work out. Anyway, I guess we’re done. Take us home, Fezzy.

Fez: Thanks TJ. Anyway, shall we make a little prayer, everyone?

Bible verse of the week: “Blaine was greatly distressed because the fans were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his suck and the absence of The Tebow. But Blaine found relief in Henne his backup.
Samuel 30:6 (probably what the score will look like next week.)

TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. And by “enjoying lifeâ€￾ he means snitching about anything and everything that doesn’t go his way, plus taking jabs at TJ every football season weekend.
Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.

 

Steelers should be 31.

 

29 at best.

 

OMG you both know, I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Shared ya on Facebook and Twitter because I can and everyone should know you guys.

hey fezzy...WE KICKED BUTT!!!! INTIMIDATION HELL!!!

 

You guys are MONEY!

 

can't see how the Pats are #4 when they squeaked by the Bills. Also how can the Falcons be ahead of us? But that is cool. Keep underrating us all the way to the playoffs. As far as Jackson running the ball. Take away the 50 yarder and he averaged like 2 yards a pop. But the rest is cool.

 

I'll start out thanking everyone for the positive feedback and the constructive criticism. Your comments motivate us to do a better job every week, and keeps us honest about what we write. Also, as a weekly reminder, I do most of the dirty work: updating records, next games and divisional standings, plus I also am in charge of the order, sans the rare occasions when TJ vetoes a certain spot. Having said that, it's pretty logical that I'm the one countering people's opinions that disagree with the ranks of their own team.

I'll address the debbie downer Pittsburgh fans crapping on their own team, by stating that IMO the Steelers are in no way worse than the Jaguars, Raiders, Jets or Cardinals (this last one could be debatable, though). In accordance to their painfully performance last sunday, they had the second biggest drop from the previous week, surpassed only by the Bucs, because, let's face it, what fun is it to not troll the Jets or the squads that lose to them? :icon_cheesygrin:

Can't really put anyone else at the 4th spot, though. Texans? Looked vulnerable as well and if not for the lingering ghost of Norv Turner, they would've dropped really far. Certainly not the Falcons, or the Ravens. Next in line is the Colts, and I barely trust them to spot them in the top 10.

Saints were 18th prior to the season. An 8-spot jump was fair, IMO, as they beat a top 7 team, but they need to prove their defensive performance wasn't a fluke before we (I) rank them higher. Week 1 PR is the single hardest one to do, because one is certainly biased due to the way teams ended last season, plus sometimes offseason moves are vastly overrated or underrated, and more often than not, good teams will make a disaster in the inaugural week (hello Baltimore) or surprise everyone by winning on the road against a superior team (yes, that's you Philly), but then other teams catch up and the surprise ones remain average or below average. Remember when the Cards somehow won their first 4 games last season, showing a lot of vulnerability, and then proceeded to lost the next 9?

It's a matter of personal perception, just like any other rankings out there. If I reacted to W-L records only, I'd all rank the 1-0 teams in the top 16, and all the 0-1 ones in the bottom, which certainly isn't logical.

He still got way too many carries in a team that was supposed to scratch the committee and give Spiller the rock repeatedly. Sheer desperation as a result of not being able to move the ball on the ground, but that got me frustrated, especially when I lost by 6 points or something. :(

 

You have the Bucs WAY to high...

 

Bucs broke my 3-team parlay. I'm restraining myself from being impulsive and sending the Bucs all the way down to 31. :icon_cheesygrin:

 

Jokes on you for betting on the Bucs. Nobody I know even considered it. We're all taking the Saints to cover this week. Got the line at 3

 

Me too, me too. lol