Fez & TJ NFL Power Rankings. Week 4 Edition

The boys honor the most awesome thing the Internet has ever given to mankind. It’s Fez and TJ’s Power Rankings, Week 4 edition!

TJ: Hello and welcome to the Week 4 Edition of Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings Presented by Gridironfans.com. You know, we are always open to feedback and even criticism from our readers (all 13 of them). Last week, some dude commented that our rankings sucked and his rankings would be way better. Fez and I defended our rankings, as every self-respected author should always do, and he kept saying that his rankings would be better. What did he come up with? Well, this.

(Hang on…I’m giving you a few minutes so you can read the whole thing).

(Just a little more…I mean, just look at that!!)

(We’re good? All right…)

And here we are, writing 8000 words per week, putting my brain to work to say something funny, clever, or useful about each and every one of the 32 teams, when all we needed to do was just make a list. You know what? Fez and his Advanced Special Stats do 90% of the ranking part. I completely trust Fez and his Advanced Special Stats. And if Fez’s Advanced Special Stats are wrong, then I don’t want to be right!!!

Fez: You know what’s my second favorite part of this? The whole crap we got for ranking San Francisco (a 1-2 team having faced Rodgers, Wilson and Luck) above Kansas City (cupcake schedule with a game manager dumping it off all day to his RB… where’s the credit in that?). Then said guy makes a huge crap about what other cowboys fan said (shame on you, Omen… you’re better than that), that teams with better records should always be ranked higher. And, of course, he then proceeded to take names out of a hat and he gets it wrong by his own standards, by placing an 1-2 team above a 2-1 team. What?



My favorite part of this… announcing them as the REAL power rankings. All-caps, and you know, since this is the Internet, all-caps trump everything. Apparently, REAL power rankings are made of a list from 1-32, with no records, no scores, no next opponent, no analysis, no thoughts… TJ, we’ve wasted our lives the whole time. At least we’ve had fun doing so.

That doesn’t mean we can’t handle criticism, we love the feedback. Keep it coming! No, really! Oh well, here are your Week 4 Power Rankings. Fire away, people!


1.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 1)
2013 Record: 4-0 (1st in NFC West)
Week 4: W at Houston, 23-20 (OT)
Week 5: at Indianapolis
Fez: Solidify themselves at the #1 spot after hanging on to victory in an incredible fashion. Because the gambling gods hate me, the regulation tie meant for me that the Texans covered the spread, thus killing this week’s parlay (if you’re scoring at home, for the season I’m Alex Rodriguez at a playoffs game, 0-4, but thankfully I’ve been doing it naturally). Of course, the Texans D isn’t that dominant, and the PED boys looked vulnerable away from that sound-pumping dump they call home. Which means, they are beatable, but you have to face them at your place in order to have a chance. And TJ wonders why I as a 49er fan would choose a 1st round bye over a wildcard spot and beating the less mediocre team from the NFC LEast.

TJ: You know, I wanted to veto Fez and give the Broncos the number 1 spot in our rankings. Then he vetoed my veto and left the Seahawks first, and Broncos second. Yeah, our system is complicated, but it works, damn it!! I was watching the Seahawks game, and the key play came when they were down 20-6 in the 4th quarter, and my boy Russell Wilson, who has balls of steel, just took off in 4th and 2 inside the Texans 10 yard line. Man, he was NOT going to be denied. And now that they finally proved they can win in the road, look out!! Unless Peyton Manning makes it to 30 TDs before Halloween (and we can’t possibly rule that out), the Seahawks will remain in this spot until somebody beats them.


2.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 2)
2013 Record: 4-0 (1st in AFC West)
Week 4: W vs Philadelphia, 20-52
Week 5: at Dallas
TJ: Peyton Manning has gone insane. There’s no other way to say it. The playoff losses, his brother having more rings, the neck surgeries…he was pushed over the edge. He’s even beating his own numbers of back when he was leading the Colts to choke job after choke job in the playoffs (with two rare Super Bowl trips, and an even rarer Super Bowl win). He’s on pace to 64 TDs this season, for crying out loud!! And none of it will matter when they lose to the freakin’ Texans or Chiefs in the playoffs!! That’s why we couldn’t give them the number 1 spot. Beat a better team, and we can talk (no, the Ravens don’t count…when you lose to the Bills, you ARE NOT a good team; I don’t care if you just won a Super Bowl). Oh, and the Cowboys next week? Yeah…not a good team. Let’s move on before I freak out.

Fez: Yup, that’s the reason. Truth is, Peyton has been neck on neck (pun intended) in a race to determine which QB of this generation is better: him or Mr. Bundchen. I guess he’s trying to go 16-0 this season while he breaks the record for most points scored. Don’t worry, John Fox will somehow find a way to screw it up, like he always does. I guess we won’t be ranking them #1 after next week, you’re right. But it’s getting harder and harder. Stay tuned.


3.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 5)
2013 Record: 4-0 (1st in NFC South)
Week 4: W vs Miami, 17-38 (MNF)
Week 5: at Chicago
Fez: It’s official peeps: the Saints are here to stay again. Of course, they’re on the same predicament as the Broncos, that defense doesn’t scare anyone, and let’s face it, they have the wrong personnel for the 3-4 formation, but the aggressiveness is there (sans the bounties, we hope!). And come on now, it’s a passing league, but you have to be able to run the ball from time to time, and Khiry Robinson (gesundheit!) is not the answer. Let’s see how it goes at Soldier Field next week.

TJ: The Saints are marching!! They’re pretty much winning the NFC South by default now, and they join the Seahawks in the NFC Juggernauts tier (what? Do you think the 49ers are in this tier? Fez pls). Drew Brees had another monster game, and he’s having a monster season, which nobody will notice because of Peyton Manning’s insanity, but for me, it’s worth noting. Oh, Sean Payton…we could’ve done awesome things in Big D…but maybe some day…maybe in the next life…


4.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 3)
2013 Record: 4-0 (1st in AFC East)
Week 4: W at Atlanta, 30-23 (SNF)
Week 5: at Cincinnati
TJ: The last time the Patriots were this boring, it was 2001, and they won the Super Bowl out of nowhere, so I don’t like where this is going. Yeah, I was watching the Sunday night game, and maybe it was because all the chores I made in the afternoon (more on that later), but I just fell asleep!! Fez and I were chatting in our Whatsapp group and I suddenly stopped responding. They thought I was dead or something. This is what the Patriots do. I’m not sure I’ll watch them again this year. People get concerned.

Fez: Fantasy football confession: I have some Josh Boyce stock. Yeah, I got late to the Kenbrell Thompkins party, so I settled on the 4th round pick, which isn’t paying a lot of dividends, but whatever... I’ve been burned way too many times by dumping guys with potential too early. I’ll stay on Josh Boyce’s nuts for a season or two, and I’ll see where it goes.


5.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 7)
2013 Record: 3-1 (1st in NFC North)
Week 4: L at Detroit, 32-40
Week 5: vs New Orleans
Fez: Just when you get a chance to make an early run at the division title (with the Packers in bye week, the Vikings in the cellar and the Lions defense being the Lions defense), they lay an egg, thanks to Smokin’ Jay Cutler doing Smokin’ Jay Cutler things, like fumbling the ball to get it returned for a TD, or throwing a 2nd quarter sideline pattern on his back foot. Sigh, just when we were ready to crown him. By the way, it’s the first controversial rank of this week, I realize that. But who else’s going to be here? Let’s move on.

TJ: And now it’s time for this week’s “I Hate Fantasy Football†rant, presented to you by…well, me, I guess. I haven’t got a sponsor yet. Do you remember last week, when I turned into a smartass and announced to the world that I would bench and even trade Fez’s crush in favor of Jay Cutler In His Contract Year? Well, I guess you already know how that turned out. The good news is that I didn’t get a good enough offer for Kaepernick (some dude offered me Alex Smith straight up. I lol’d at him and told him to heck off). So I’m now announcing that Kaepernick will be starting for Romophobia next week, and damn it, he’ll play well again!! As for Cutler In His Contract Year…yeah, I’ll wait and see.


6.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 11)
2013 Record: 3-1 (1st in AFC South)
Week 4: W at Jacksonville, 37-3
Week 5: vs Seattle
TJ: At this point, a win against Jacksonville has to count like a bye week, right? What can I tell you that could be even remotely fun or interesting about this beat down? Nothing!! So, since nothing can be said about this, I’m giving you this meme. Please, take it. No, please…I insist.



Fez: Damn right, I just went there!!! Indy in the top 6!! Truth is, the top teams in these rankings are collectively laying an egg. Confusing, I know. But I trust Major Yearly Advanced Special Stats and it says that Indy should not be punished and ranked them too low last week after manhandling the 49ers. It’s going to be a war next week for them, though. A win vs the Seahawks is definitely pushing them up all the way to the top 5 and for the love of Tebow, I will not argue this.


7.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 8)
2013 Record: 1-2 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 4: BYE
Week 5: vs Detroit
Fez: The rest of the NFC North went 2-1 (and that was because two of them faced each other), but let’s face it, it could’ve been worse for the Pack. I believe their best chance to reach the postseason is to win the division, as the South and West have strong candidates to grab the wildcard spots. Instead of going 2.5 games back, they only are 1.5, and they host the absolutely beatable Lions next week.

TJ: Yeah, I thought the Lions were beatable this week. That’s why I started Jay Cutler In His Contract Year. Look how that turned out. I wouldn’t overlook them, just to be sure. And given the state of the Packers offensive line, I’m afraid Aaron Rodgers is looking forward to a long, long day of running for his life and screaming at his coach in the sideline.


8.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 6)
2013 Record: 3-1 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 4: L at New Orleans, 17-38 (MNF)
Week 5: vs Baltimore
TJ: RYAN TANNEHILL!!! I STILL LIKE HIM!! Come on. It’s tough to beat the Saints in their dome on a night game. Let’s give him a break. Besides, all they have to worry about is not letting the Patriots get away, so we can say this was an expected loss. Now they get Baltimore at home on a short week. I think this will be their ultimate test. If they beat them, watch out!!

Fez: It’s a damn confusing week to rank. Too many controversial picks, Miami not dropping that much after getting manhandled, but with god as my witness, I will not put the Chiefs here... not yet!!! Anyway, Miami got a bit back to reality. Tannehill isn’t there yet, but he’s right on track, I said last week he’s in the conversation about being the 3rd Best QB in the 2012 class and I stand by that. On the other hand, hey Dolphins, how’s that Mike Wallace contract working out for you?


9.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 15)
2013 Record: 4-0 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 4: W vs New York Giants, 7-31
Week 5: at Tennessee
TJ: How lucky are the Chiefs? Not only have they had 4 easy games to open the Andy Reid era, but now they get to play the Titans led by no other than Ryan Fitzpatrick next week. It’s just very hard to believe in them even with their 4-0 record after one month. But the fact that they have doubled their win total from last year speak volumes of the progress made by this team. Hang on, here comes Fez to tell us why this record is deceiving and doesn’t mean anything:

Fez: I give up. I’ve had a rough Monday at work, I didn’t have the chance to watch MNF, I’m currently at my office trying to rush this crap in, while TJ patiently awaits and I get trolled by… uhhmm… a hot troll. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, ALEX SMITH?!!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, HOT TROLL??? GO AWAY!!! LEAVE FEZ ALONE!!!


10.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 12)
2013 Record: 2-2 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 4: W at St. Louis, 35-11 (TNF)
Week 5: vs Houston (SNF)
Fez: I don’t always like America’s justice system, but damn, you guys know how to play detective. You may not have found Jimmy Hoffa yet, but you found Colin Kaepernick’s balls!!! It wasn’t his most spectacular game, he had a couple of errors, and his numbers look Gamemanagerish, Alex Smith’s level basically, but he seemed to be more decisive in his throws and taking off to run. Kudos! Side note: as I was wasting 2 hours of my life in the worst way ever, TJ messaged in a WA group: “Down goes Staley, screaming in painâ€. My reply: “NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!â€. If you missed it, here it is:

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cavPM2KZBE]Joe Staley bent backwards - YouTube[/ame]

What was the outcome? Nothing, he was fine. UH?!?! What the hell, Joe?? What are you, a Flanders? SMH.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3gok0k3mcw]Flanders scream - YouTube[/ame]

TJ: Well, I was freaked out when I heard that scream…but yeah, so much for the 49ers crisis, right? Or maybe the Rams are that bad? I don’t know…I guess we’ll find out next week when they get the Texans at home. Maybe I should start Kaepernick in fantasy the rest of the way, I mean, I’m 0-4 in that league, the season is lost. And if I can use my curse powers to screw up the 49ers season, you know I’ll do it. And if I really think I have such powers, maybe I should go seek some help.

Fez: One last note. You can tweet to Colin Motherfreaking Kaepernick tonight, snitches! *proverbial orgasm*


11.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 18)
2013 Record: 3-1 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 4: W vs Chicago, 32-40
Week 5: at Green Bay
Fez: An impressive 40-burger against a divisional team is always nice. Hell, their second quarter barrage saw them score more points than more than half the league did in their respective full games. King Kong Suh added up 2 sacks, delivering a “thank you†note afterwards to the league office for not fining or suspending him for the cheap shot elbow to the head of Cards OT Eric Winston. Player safety, of course, right, Goodell? What a joke. Next up, a trip to Lambeau. Maybe the Packers should start their backup QB to draw trade interest from a team like the Bucs.

TJ: That should be a fun game!! The Packers can’t stop anyone, but can score on anyone. The Lions offense is in synch and their defense is not so bad, either!! I’m predicting a score line like 45-42 or something that would make Chip Kelly proud, and that could actually go either way. Ohh!! And don’t forget the cheap shot concert. With Clay Mathews and Donkey Kong Suh in the same field, ANYTHING can happen!!


12.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 9)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in AFC South)
Week 4: L vs Seattle, 23-20 (OT)
Week 5: at San Francisco (MNF)
TJ: That was amazing. Here were the Texans, finally beating up a good team, and they screwed it up in the second half!! People are blaming Matt Schaub for that pick 6 to Sherman, but has any of you stopped to wonder what the hell were the Texans doing throwing in that situation? You have Arian Foster and Ben Tate!! And you keep throwing the ball up by 14 against the Seahawks at home?!?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! How do these people get these jobs, anyway?

Fez: Rick Smith, beat the crowd. Just give Kubiak the Marty Schottenheimer treatment. I don’t care how many wins they rack up this season, the Texans are going nowhere with him at the helm. How the heck does he blow such a lead? How does his offense score no points in the whole freaking second half? Everyone talks about how the Texans window is closing… was it ever open? I’m leaning towards “noâ€.


13.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 16)
2013 Record: 3-1 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 4: W vs New York Jets, 13-38
Week 5: vs Kansas City
TJ: Tough break for Jake Locker who will miss six to eight weeks due to injury. Just when he was improving his game and the Titans were on the verge of a division race. And now…My God!! It’s Ryan Fitzpatrick’s music!!! This is not fair for the Titans and his fans!! Can’t they just trade for Josh Freeman, or…I don’t know…sign Tim Tebow? Think about the kids!!

Fez: Jake Locker can’t catch a freaking break. Then again, I probably was to blame for jinxing him after hopping back on his bandwagon last week. The sad part is, even with the way he plays (reckless runs and all) his past 2 injuries have happened while being sacked in the pocket. Life ain’t fair. Titans, enjoy your glimpse of a top half of the rankings because I don’t think this is going to last. There’s a reason why Fitzpatrick is nicknamed “Pickspatrickâ€.


14.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 4)
2013 Record: 2-2 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 4: L at Buffalo, 20-23
Week 5: at Miami
TJ: What the hell happened? You can’t beat the ever-rebuilding Bills on the road? I’m pretty sure other Super Bowl Champions have been successful in that point. I could go all Bill Barnwell on you and throw a lot of numbers and stats about past Super Bowl Champions against the Bills to prove my point, but you know what? We still have 28 more teams to go and I don’t want to put you to sleep. It’s a work day, damn it!! Shame on you, Ravens!! You’re a disgrace to Super Bowl Champions, and that’s why I’m disrespecting the hell out of you. Take that, Terrell Suggs!!

Fez: Joe Flacco doesn’t care. He’s elite, remember? The funniest part of this loss is that he got picked 5 times, 2 of them coming from a rookie LB named Kiko Alonso. Who the hell names their son “Kikoâ€? Anyway, Kiko Alonso’s become the second most famous Kiko ever, trailing only “Kiko†from the old TV series “El Chavoâ€:



Uhm… congrats?


15.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 10)
2013 Record: 2-2 (1st in AFC North)
Week 4: L at Cleveland, 6-17
Week 5: vs New England
TJ: The AFC North keeps doing its best NFC East imitation by going 1-3 this week, with the only win coming from the Browns beating the Bengals because, you know, somebody had to win, right? Maybe they were caught napping. Maybe they underestimated HOYER THE DESTROYER!! I don’t know, but it’s weird that you beat the Packers, and then lay an egg in Cleveland, of all cities. And in case you didn’t believe in curses…AJ Green is killing my fantasy team. Or maybe my fantasy team is killing AJ Green. I just don’t know anymore.

Fez: THIS IS MY RED RIF… awww crap!!! I can’t believe I’m stuck with Andy Dalton (see? I can be a fair-weather fantasy football fan). Not fair, Andy… we all know you don’t have a soul, but you don’t have to suck them out of the poor Bengals fans!!! What the heck are you doing by losing to Cleveland? Man, remember when the AFC North was a powerhouse? Now it’s a freakshow: Ben Rapethlisberger, the Ginger, unibrow Flacco and Brian Freaking Hoyer (doesn’t need a nickname, because, you know, he’s Brian Hoyer).


16.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 13)
2013 Record: 1-3 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 4: L vs New England, 30-23 (SNF)
Week 5: vs New York Jets (MNF)
Fez: Once again, pretty fantasy numbers but no substance. Are we sure “Matty Ice†is a championship caliber QB? It’s not looking like it, but then again, neither did Joe Flacco about a year ago. Side note, how does the dullest contender in the league get back to back primetime games at home? Did the 2008 Patriots ever get that benefit? I don’t follow the league’s logic most of the times, but this is beyond comprehension.

TJ: Baby please. Matty Ice a “championship caliber QBâ€. Don’t make me laugh. He’s like Ramiro Romo, or Peyton Manning minus the 2006 season: a CHOKER!! So, get this. I woke up just in time to see yet another drive in the last minute to tie the game, led by this guy. I knew instantly how it would end, so I changed the channel. I knew the Falcons wouldn’t win. Make no mistake!! I will not rest until Matt Ryan gets the same amount of crap that Antonio Ramiro Romo has had. It is not fair to treat them differently when they’re pretty much the same crap. Thank you, and have a good night.


17.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 22)
2013 Record: 2-2 (4th in AFC East)
Week 4: W vs Baltimore, 20-23
Week 5: at Cleveland (TNF)
TJ: Impressive win by the Bills against the worst Defending Super Bowl Champions Ever. I’ll spare you my “CJ Spiller is killing my fantasy team†rant this time, because I know somebody who has the same problem, and talk about rookie QBs. Each year, I pick my favorite one…last year it was my boy Russell Wilson, this year, it’s EJ Manuel (pretty much by default, because the other option was Geno Smith, and there was no way in hell I was going to pick him). I only scream I BELIEVE for rookie QBs. So now, if you’ll excuse me…I BELIEVE IN EJ MANUEL!!!

Fez: Huge, huge win for Buffalo. The sons of Jerome Boger came to their place and the Bills proceeded to make hell out of Joe Flacco’s Sunday. FIVE interceptions!!! Not bad. They’re gonna need a lot more to be relevant, though. 10/22 for E.J. Manuel won’t cut it every week. And yeah, at this point, I might have to change my dynasty fantasy league’s name from Fezus Fruit Pickers to “CJ Spiller’s widowsâ€. Outplayed by Fred Jackson for the second straight week. I give up. By the way, because Thursday games aren’t sloppy enough, we get a Bills-Browns matchup for the ages. Yeah, I’ll probably miss this one, too. No offense.


18.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 23)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 4: W vs Cincinnati, 6-17
Week 5: vs Buffalo (TNF)
TJ: IT’S HOYER THE DESTROYER!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! I’m still very afraid Hoyer could be the new Derek Anderson, I didn’t want to mention it because Browns fans haven’t yet recovered from that 2007 stretch. But screw it…it’s fun when people cringes like that. Are the Browns that bad that they can’t even tank the right way? Were we taking them for granted? Either way, it’s been an amazing job by Coach Chudzkikizkzikzizkzizzizkikzy. By the way…is this Cleveland’s best weekend in a long, long, long LOOOOONG time? Not only did the Browns win, but the Indians (why is nobody offended by that name?) clinched a wild card berth!! Congratulations, Cleveland!! We’ll go back to our normal programming of tough losses and kicks in the balls in a few days!! In the mean time, enjoy the ride!! And now, we present to you a gambling rant!! Take it away, Fezzy!!

Fez: Because the gambling gods hate me, they stressed the point that I should definitely stop wasting my money away. I’ll explain: last week, my parlay lasted exactly 88 minutes after Sunday kickoff, as I had taken the “under†in a game that broke the line before halftime. This week? Bengals-Browns, 42 pts… “Screw it, let’s go ‘over’ this timeâ€. A 4th and 1 stop and two easy FG attempts missed later, I got the point. Now I’ll do a theocracy experiment: no matter what the lines are, I will pick both the Seahawks AND the Cowboys, every week. Let’s see how far this goes.


19.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 26)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 4: W vs Dallas, 21-30
Week 5: at Oakland
TJ: So, for this year’s “4th Quarter Collapse†Bowl, I made a bet with my dad. If my Cowboys won, he’d wash my car. If his Chargers won, I’d go upstairs and clean the warehouse formerly known as my bedroom. See, since I moved out from my parents’ house a couple of years ago, they have used my bedroom to throw out all kinds of junk that doesn’t work anymore. An old TV, an old computer, you name it. I was looking for a shirt I couldn’t find the other day, and went to look for it in my old bedroom, and you don’t know the mess I found. Dad was all like “I’ve been meaning to clean that up, but it’s not hurting anyone, you know?†Well, it was hurting ME!!! Anyway, after Terrance Williams’ fumble, I stood up and headed upstairs to check my old room. It was a mess, yeah, but I was kinda looking forward to it. I found lots of stuff! Old picks from college, clothes that I thought were lost forever (including my old Roy Williams jersey!! Ah, the memories…). Even my dad said that I was enjoying it maybe a little too much, and asked if I expected the Cowboys to lose. Dad please…starting this season, I expect the Cowboys to lose every week. Some people think it’s a reverse jinx or something, but no, trust me!! It’s not!! (as far as you know).

Fez: Back on draft day, Manti Te’o was a running joke for well-publicized reasons. After he got selected, the consensus was that he landed in an ideal situation, away from the spotlight. He was so out of it, I had no idea he hadn’t played prior to this weekend, due to injury. He seemed to have done okay, with just 3 tackles. For his sake, I hope he never gets a hand injury. We will never hear the end of the jokes.


20.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 14)
2013 Record: 2-2 (1st in NFC East)
Week 4: L at San Diego, 21-30
Week 5: vs Denver
Fez: Just wanted to stop by and laugh at TJ. The Chargers, buddy? Really? Anyway, all this crap you spewed last week lasted exactly one… life is good. At least the division turned into the old NFC West, circa whatever year it was when the Seahawks won the division with a 7-9 record. Maybe it’s not too late to rule that .500 teams can’t make the playoffs, divisional title or not. By the way, now that Lane Kiffin got sacked from the USC job, wouldn’t a reunion with ol’ Monte make sense from a comedy standpoint? I know it wouldn’t from a family standpoint, knowing that Lane fired his own father, but I support any moves that make TJ want to light himself on fire, or lose bets with his dad.

TJ: Well, what can I say? When you’re in a division that you can win with 6 or 7 wins, you take it easy. You take a few plays off, maybe a few games off; you choose your match-ups wisely, and just roll with it. Of course, being coached by Jason Garrett and led by Ramiro Romo give it a little more degree of difficulty. I’m not even mad!! So if you came all the way down here expecting a long rant about the Cowboys using caps only and swearing a lot, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but THIS is exactly what I expected and predicted from my team. Mediocrity. The best part? They’ll get obliterated by the Broncos next week. It will be ugly. In another year, I would’ve had the ultimate meltdown. But they’ll remain in 1st place, and it’s all that matters.


21.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 17)
2013 Record: 1-2 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 4: BYE
Week 5: at Arizona
Fez: I’ve never understood how schedule-makers determine which teams get early byes, which teams get theirs at week 9, parting their regular season in two similar 8-game halves. Doesn’t it feel like the teams with early byes get screwed because they wear down as season drags on in the later weeks? Or what about the teams that get it after week 9? Wouldn’t it break the momentum they’re carrying? At least the people in charge gave the Panthers a piece of cake Cardinals team in week 5, for their early bye troubles.

TJ: Like most of the decisions they make…by flipping coins…I don’t know!! It’s always hard to come up with something to say about teams that just had byes. They face the Cardinals next week, and I can’t wait to see how Ron Rivera blows yet another lead in the 4th quarter. I’m already seeing it: The defense holds the Cards in check, Carson Palmer runs for his life for 55 minutes (RUN, CARSON!! RUN!!), and then it all goes to hell with a TD catch by Larry late in the 4th (FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!!). For being a Rivera, Ron just doesn’t know how to close games, unlike his far cousin Mariano.


22.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 19)
2013 Record: 1-3 (4th in NFC West)
Week 4: L vs San Francisco, 35-11 (TNF)
Week 5: vs Jacksonville
Fez: So much for being a legitimate threat to the NFC West. Hell, I’m not even sure they could compete in the NFC East, as someone suggested a few weeks ago. As if they had a chance… I mean, the moment this man stepped out of the locker room to take the field, it was all god damned over:

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiPAhCIQLyk]colin kaepernick Game Face before The Rams Game - YouTube[/ame]

Things don’t look up for them, either: GM Les Snead is talking about getting a contract extension for both Sam Bradford and his pal, Sam Bradford’s ridiculous rookie contract (yes, it has a birth certificate and all). Sure, the main goal is to reduce Sam’s cap figure significantly in order to add talent elsewhere, but… really, Rams fans, I wouldn’t be so keen to keep this guy for long:



Oh well, at least you get to root for RG-Knee and Operation Patience’s incommensurable failure!! Cheer up!!

TJ: I thought its name was “Sam Bradford’s Monstrosity of a Contractâ€. The Rams can’t get anything right. Even Bradford’s Monstrosity of a Contract was the last one of the ridiculous contracts given to 1st round picks thanks to the last CBA. Now the Rams are screwed because they’re stuck with Bradford’s Atrocious Contract (hey!! Its name keeps changing!! It’s like a mutant or something), and the only reason they want to extend it is to lower the cap number…not because they want Bradford to stick around or anything.


23.- New York Jets (Last Week: 20)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 4: L at Tennessee, 13-38
Week 5: at Atlanta (MNF)
TJ: Right after looking like a decent and even competent QB, Geno Smith came out against the Titans and looked like the second coming of Mark Sanchez out there. Who is he, exactly? I guess this is what happens when you start rookie QBs who are not ready yet. Sanchez remains convinced he won the QB battle in training camp and will expect to start once he gets healthy. This should be a fun stretch for the Jets, and I can’t wait!! I mean…Sanchez gave us the butt fumble last year. This week, Geno gave us this:



Fez: It just feels like Geno is trying to outdo Sanchez. First by playing well, then by turning the ball over the dumbest possible way. Let’s just hope he doesn’t appear on a press conference wearing a tiara. That’ll be too much. Not that I’m homophobic or anything, but come on man!!! On top of that embarrassing loss, they go to Atlanta next Monday night (in one of the most confusing MNF matchups this season, I already covered that part), with the Falcons looking for vengeance. Gulp.


24.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 24)
2013 Record: 1-3 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 4: W at Oakland, 24-14
Week 5: BYE
Fez: It played out pretty well for Washington. Headed to the bye week to rest that wretched knee of RGIII while trailing the Cowboys by just 1 game. But is it the best for the long run? Doesn’t it bother you the way Griffin hobbles on the field with that giant knee brace on? I couldn’t care any less about Washington, and I still feel bad for him.

TJ: Here’s something that I think it’s important and I had forgot to mention: one of my best friends is a Redskins fan. Every year we make bets on whose team will finish the season with a better record, and I have beaten him convincingly since I met him in 2008. Last year, the first time the Redskins finished better than the Cowboys since then, we didn’t make the bet because I had already won a jersey, a whiskey bottle, and a meal for me and my wife, and he was tired of losing money. So, after a successful 2012 Redskins season, my friend was eager to revive that bet. For this year, the loser will have to shave his head. I don’t know why I said yes, considering the Cowboys suck, I absolutely don’t trust them, and I look ridiculous with a shaved head (oh, wait…I know why!! I WAS DRUNK!!). Before week 4 I had a comfortable 2-game lead, and since I was all pumped up, I started to tease him about it. One week later, I only have a 1-game lead which will probably drop to half a game lead after week 5. The lesson, as always…I CAN’T HAVE BRAGGING RIGHTS!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THEM!!


25.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 25)
2013 Record: 1-3 (4th in in NFC North)
Week 4: W vs Pittsburgh, 27-34 (London)
Week 5: BYE
Fez: Wait a minute, Matt Cassel’s still alive? I thought he was burned at a Kansas City stake!!! And the Vikes even dared to give him more pass attempts than Adrian Peterson’s carries!!! Of course, Leslie Frazier will give the job back to Christian Ponder, because heck logic, you never lose your job to injury, right? I guess it doesn’t matter, Adrian Peterson will carry either QB, regardless.

TJ: You never lose your job due to injury…unless you’re Alex Smith, right? Here’s hoping Frazier takes Jim Harbaugh as an example, because the Vikings looked way better with Cassel under center. I guess this might mean the end of the line for the tastefully named Christian Ponder, and I’ll have to wait for many, many more years before having a starting QB in the NFL with the same name as me. Bummer.


26.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 28)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 4: W at Tampa Bay, 13-10
Week 5: vs Carolina
Fez: Arizona had the benefit of playing a team in disarray like Tampa, but that didn’t stop the “RUN CARSON, RUN!!!†campaign from its successful run. Carson Palmer got sacked only once, but he was hurried on several occasions, causing him to throw two picks. Arizona is at .500, tied with San Francisco, but let’s be honest, they aren’t going as far with this team. Next week? The Panthers’ stout front 7 against the overmatched Cards OL. RUN CARSON, RUN!!!

TJ: That’s right. The Cardinals and 49ers have the same record, yet we’re ranking the 49ers 16 spots higher. This will be fun when we get the feedback from the list power rankings guy. I guess it all has to do with the Cards barely beating a team that is such a mess. Larry Fitzgerald catching the game-winning TD might be a blow to my FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!! Campaign, but I still think it’s a waste of talent to have him there. Once again…FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!!


27.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 29)
2013 Record: 1-3 (4th in AFC West)
Week 4: L vs Washington, 24-14
Week 5: vs San Diego
TJ: With Terrelle Pryor out with a brain, it was time for Matt Flynn to shine in the spotlight. It was finally time to prove himself, time to prove that game against the Lions in 2011 was no fluke. In front he had the worst defense in football. A defense so atrocious even a blown up roster like the Raiders’ could take advantage of it, right? RIGHT? Well, you know how it went. Matt Flynn, you are what you are. An overpaid back-up QB and that’s it. But hey!! At least you’ll always have that Lions game, right?

Fez: I don’t like this ranking, but I’m throwing TJ a bone by putting them above two NFC East teams. The reasoning? I’ll quote TJ: “Just to be an buttholeâ€. Noted!!! He’s right about Matt Flynn, though. It’s a good thing I’m not a professional football player, because if I were in Flynn’s position, I would go ahead and do what the fans are mocking for: give a nice check to the Lions defense for that game two years ago. I mean, when you can’t shred the Redskins defense, you know you’re in deep crap.


28.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 21)
2013 Record: 1-3 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 4: L at Denver, 20-52
Week 5: at New York Giants
Fez: You don’t fully evaluate head coaches after only one year in charge, but with the precedents set by the likes of Bobby Petrino and Nick Satan, I mean Saban (with Greg Schibutthole soon to join the club), you can’t help but wonder how long until the players start snitching about the former college head coach being useless and hoping he goes back there. Hey, Chippy? How about you give Nick Foles a shot? Sure, Vick gets the plays out way faster, but 25 pts per game is hardly earth-shattering. I mean… I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!! Shouldn’t that be enough reason for a change? No? Damn it.

TJ: This just in: Chip Kelly was complaining yesterday night about the Broncos running up the score on them. Thank you, thank you…I’ll be here all night. Geez…remember back when the Eagles were undefeated and everybody was yapping about how revolutionary their offense would be, and nobody would EVER catch up with them, and just how fast they were playing? Yeah, that was week 1. Three weeks ago. You know, during overreaction Monday. I love it because in this 3-week span, Eagles fans have gone from ecstatic to miserable. That, my friends, must be a new record. Moving on…


29.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 30)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in AFC North)
Week 4: L at Minnesota, 27-34 (London)
Week 5: BYE
TJ: The last time the Steelers were 0-4 I wasn’t even born yet. Hell, there were 14 more years to go before the world could meet TJ in all his glory. And right after that, the Steelers launched the Steel Curtain dynasty of the 70’s, so I guess that’s what their fans can look forward to. We have made so much fun of the Cardinals with Fez’s RUN, CARSON!! RUN!! Campaign…maybe it’s time to start a RUN, BEN!! RUN!! Campaign?

Fez: Unbelievable!!! They are 0-4, they lost to Matt Cassel, and somehow managed to jump a spot in our rankings. Why, thank you Steeler fans? I had to, after the smelly pile of crap the Giants managed to put in BBQ land. By the way, a pet peeve of mine: the “Big Ben vs Big Ben†chart, comparing height, age and whatever the corny producers thought of. I would’ve gone farther, by comparing “rapes: Roethlisberger 1 – 0 The Clock Towerâ€.


30.- New York Giants (Last Week: 27)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in NFC East)
Week 4: L at Kansas City, 7-31
Week 5: vs Philadelphia
Fez: What… in the world… was that? Maybe Tom Coughlin stayed a year too long. Maybe Eli Manning is rapidly declining. Maybe they lost too many talents over the year. Maybe Hakeem Nicks should’ve shut up last week. Victor Cruz had 10 catches, Nicks had 3. I can’t figure out these Giants. TJ, what about you?

TJ: You know, suicide leagues are so easy. You just pick the team who faces the worst team you can possible find, and boom!! On to the following week. After burning the Colts when they played the Raiders (and having a very close call), for this week I picked the Chiefs against the New York Football Giants, and don’t you know…I’m still alive in week 5. I tell you, it’s very easy…I have no idea how I was being eliminated after week 1 for so long. So thank you, Giants!! I might pick against you in the future, if I make it any further.


31.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 31)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in NFC South)
Week 4: L vs Arizona, 13-10
Week 5: BYE
Fez: What a horrible show, what a mess… Prior to this week’s game, the Bucs coach used the ill-fated “x guy gives us the best chance to win now†quote on Mike Glennon. You know who else said so, specifically? Mike Nolan in 2005, about Alex Smith. And we all remember how Alex Smith’s rookie year went. There is no way this is going to end well. Schibutthole’s agent might as well book him a flight to L.A. to get an interview with USC’s AD or another future job opening. What’s the point in keeping him? He ruined his QB, his locker room chemistry is toxic, the players hate him. We will remember Greg Schibutthole as the idiot who ordered his defense to bull rush an opposing victory formation. At least you made history, nutjob.

TJ: After being demoted to the bench, Schiano didn’t even activate Josh Freeman for this game. Holy Crap!! How did that happen? Has Freeman gone that bad? Or does Schiano just hate him that much? And if so, I have to ask…why? What did he ever do to you, coach Schiano? And in this age of political correctness, why hasn’t anyone asked if Schiano is just a racist butthole? I mean, I just can’t figure it out!! If Larry Fitzgerald remains being happy in Arizona with a .500 franchise, I might have to start a FREE JOSH FREEMAN!!! Campaign. I think it’s fair.


32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in AFC South)
Week 4: L vs Indianapolis, 37-3
Week 5: at St. Louis
TJ: You already know what I think about throwing stats and numbers out there and base my writing on them. But here’s one little stat that will blow your freaking minds. Are you ready?

2013 Tim Tebow: 0.0 Fantasy points.
2013 Blaine Gabbert: -0.56 Fantasy points.

Why not, Jaguars? Why not? Give us one, just ONE good reason to not pull the trigger on Tebow. Time to wrap things up. Please stand up for Reverend Fez to read us an epic poem and a new Bible verse. Reverend?

Fez:
Tebow, you smiled on your good earth!
You brought good times back to Gus!
You lifted the cloud of suck from your franchise,
you put their blunders far out of sight.
You beat the Steelers in the playoffs,
you cooled your hot, righteous anger,
After being denied three times,
By Rex the foot licker.

Help us again, Tebow of our help;
don’t hold a grudge against us forever.
You aren’t going to keep this up, are you?
Gabbert and Henne, year after year?
Why not help us make a fresh start, a resurrection life?
Then your people will laugh and cheer!
Show us how much you love us, Tebow!
Give us the southpaw we need!

Virgin Timmy Full of Grace, pray for them.
Psalm 85 (About the age Jaguars fans feel like when they watch Blaine Gabbert taking the field)

TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. He spends his football season weekends in peace, knowing that the police found Colin Kaepernick’s balls and reattached them back to his cover-man body… wait, what?
Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.

 

what up folks. me again. you are getting better with the Saints love. guess I have to wait for Dec. 2 for the head to head match. I know it is hard for people to give the Saints their due after last year. One favor please? No more bounty talk please. If we keep up this play I will have to go back to my sig from last year. Can't see how the Hawks are #1. The Texans were snitchslapping them until their linebacker went out and Shaubby decided to throw picks. But I will be patient for a while longer. You will come to the Black and Gold side soon. As far as the run game goes, our Oline needs to drop their freaking nuts and man up. No way should our guards get pushed around like they are. K Robinson is a name to know. He is a running beast. He is our best pure running back. PT is best on screens but KRob is overtaking him as a power runner. Knew you was looking forward to my insight. LOL. But good job as usual. I don't know how you have the time to do this.

 

IMO, Denver should be #1.

 

Fins at 8 after that butt whoopin? lmao

 

Fez has mega respect for them since Kap was wearing their cap.

 

that's cold lol

 

Icecold.

 

close, but not quite

 

On a serious note though, isn't keeping the Seahawks at #1 over the Broncos until they lose kind of like the stubborn thinking that a starting QB shouldn't lose his job due to injury?

That's not even a veiled shot at Fez via the Alex Smith/Kaep situation last year. It's honestly just odd to me that the eyeball test of both teams doesn't convince you that the Broncos are the best team in football.

The Broncos defense isn't as good as the Seahawks for sure, but they are good. The Broncos offense and special teams are much better though, and that should create enough separation in my humble opinion.

Entertaining stuff as usual though, guys. I always enjoy reading your pieces.

 

I thank you all for the feedback. It makes me giddy to know someone out there actually takes the time to read and digest our garbage. As for the issues you've explained, here are my responses:

Re: Chicago at #5. Perhaps my biggest regret, but at the time when I set the order, I really couldn't find anyone else; I couldn't eat my pride to rank KC in the top 5 and Indy barely missed the cut there. It's probably unheard of that a team ranked in the top ten loses to a divisional rival and still climbs not one, but two spots. I hope it never happens again.

Re: Fins at 8. Of course. Got their butt whopped on the road by a top 3 team. Is that a crime? Besides they've held their own against quality teams like the Colts and Falcons. Also, they're still 3-1, as far as I know.

Re: Respecting Kap because of the Fins' cap. Shut up!!! lol

Re: Seahawks over Broncos. I've discussed it a few times with TJ and I think I've stated it on previous editions. It's not that the Broncos don't pass the eye test... they do, they look dominant, and for Tebow's sake, they may even go 19-0; adding Welker was huge for them.

But let's look at the schedule this year: Ravens at home, who are nothing special so far. Giants on the road, and look where the Giants are right now. Raiders at home, again look at where the Raiders are ranked. Philly at home. That's 3 cupcakes and a SB hungover team, not to mention it's 3 home games and only 1 road game.

Seahawks? Carolina on the road, a stout front 7 albeit not a well-coached team, and they struggled in that game. Destroyed my niners at home. Did the same to the Jags, and escaped a huge comeback victory at Reliant last sunday. 2 home games, 2 on the road; 2 quality opponents and a semi decent Panthers team.

Again, the Broncos look the part, and the Seahawks have somewhat struggled to keep their L column clean. But the nice part for Denver is that their first real challenge comes in week 7, visiting Andrew Luck and the Colts, while Seattle has had two tough games against SF and Houston and in both games they came out with a win. Keep in mind that I absolutely hate the guts of Stinky Pete Carroll and twinky Sherman, so you can't say there's bias in my list.

For reference, I know the BCS is full of flaws and is generally a crap system, but there's some logic in there. Would an undefeated team that has beaten the likes of Appalachian State, Tulane, La Tech and Florida International be ranked above a team that beat two such cupcakes and two SEC teams like Georgia and LSU?

Also, I'm not against switching rankings even if those two keep winning. Check out the Pats and Saints. They were 3 and 4 after week 3, and I gave the 3rd spot to the Saints this time around, thanks to an outstanding win against a then-undefeated Dolphins team.

Hope I somehow made any sense explaining my rankings... lol.

 

Last but not least, I enjoy writing these, and while I've struggled to find time to get my parts done (I admit I rushed it a bit last monday night because I was way behind schedule at work), I always try to give you guys quality stuff to read, and so does TJ. When do we write these? I can't speak for TJ, but as far as I go, I begin right after the TNF game every week, I do the dirty work of updating next week's matchups, records, divisional standings, and last week's ranks. That's the annoying part.

Since I spent most of sundays with the TV on and the laptop nearby (for social network and keeping track of FFLs), I write some parts as soon as I think of them. It's basically a 5-day work for me, although I still have to go to my workplace, college and social life, the usual.

I get the order done on mondays, assuming the most likely outcome of the MNF matchup and setting the ranking accordingly. If there's an upset I do a slight adjustment, TJ previews it, cfreaking that all the pics, videos, gifs and bold parts are showing, and then he posts them. It's somehow a good thing that we publish them right on mondays, as we beat the crowd of PRs from the mainstream media, so you can't definitely say we're pirating the order from other place.

 

@ fez ... We appreciate the efforts. It shows in your work. Great stuff!!!

 

Yes sir! You guys do a great job. Always entertaining!

 

wait a minute. you have a social life? Amazing.

 

Hard to believe uh? lol

 

lolololol someone got it... I was afraid it would fly over everyone's head, but I had forgotten you're mex-american. :icon_cheesygrin: The show was produced in the 70s and the re-runs still make a lot of people laugh. Pure comedy.

 

Lol. Best opening statements ever. I love you guys.