Fez & TJ NFL Power Rankings. Week 5 Edition

A careless TJ puts his guard down with disastrous results; Fez fears a possible comeback from he-who-shalt-not-be-named; It’s Fez and TJ’s Power Rankings, Week 5 edition!

Fez: There are NO juggernauts in this league. Our #12 team in this list beat the new #3 a few weeks ago, which in turn beat the new #4 in this list, which proceeded to beat the crap out of #8 on week 2, which beat #6 in this list… did you follow that? Me neither!!! The league’s parity is at its finest and while we still have three undefeated teams this season, that may not last for long. This week was special because, after all the cynical and snarky comments from my partner in crime TJ, he finally snapped, more on that later, and I mean A LOT MORE on that later. Any words before we get the ride started, buddy?

TJ: Yeah!! What about the bottom? I mean, yeah, the Jaguars are clearly #32, but then what? The Giants are a joke, the Bucs are more dysfunctional than the Kardashians, the Steelers are a shell of their former selves…we have parity both at the top and at the bottom. I’m sure somewhere in New York City Paul Tagliabue is spanking Roger Goodell…and enjoying the parity he always envisioned. Welcome to the Week 5 Edition of Fez and TJ’s Power Rankings presented by Gridironfans.com!! We’ll analyze every team, make funny jokes, call each other out, and there’s even yet another meltdown by yours truly. Let’s get this show started!!


1.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 2)
2013 Record: 5-0 (1st in AFC West)
Week 5: W at Dallas, 51-48
Week 6: vs Jacksonville
Fez: How cute of them. Denver started out slowly, but after Dallas took the lead 14-0, you could hear Peyton’s thoughts loudly: “prepare your anusâ€. Let’s get a bit real, though… the only reason they’re finally ranked #1 in this list is the Seahawks loss, because the Broncos defense is still absolutely atrocious. The only hope for Denver is that no team figures out how to stop their offense, or that Manning doesn’t suffer of fatigue late in the season.

TJ: Darth Peyton continues to put up amazing numbers against subpar defenses. Fine, maybe the Cowboys defense is not subpar, but I don’t think it’s good either. Not after allowing a 50-burger with bacon and cheese. I feel bad for the Jaguars already. Do you think Peyton will drop 35 on them in the first half and then go to the bench? Or is he now evil enough to keep going until he hits something like 600 yards and 8 TDs? That doesn’t sound like good karma, and if you don’t believe me, just ask the 2007 Patriots.


2.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 3)
2013 Record: 5-0 (1st in NFC South)
Week 5: W at Chicago, 26-18
Week 6: at New England
TJ: Maybe this is not the “Screw you†season I thought they’d have, but at 5-0 they have been way better than last year. Maybe even “back to normal†after all the disarray from last year’s you-know-what (sorry, a Saints fan asked us not to use the B word anymore, and he has a point, so we’ll stop). I think Sean Payton should be eligible for the “Comeback player of the year†award. Maybe change its name to “Comeback team member of the year†award or something. Yeah, I’m impressed by the Saints.

Fez: Yeah, we’ll refrain from using the B word from now on. I agree with you, TJ, the Saints are back and can any team that dares to challenge them. Payton’s return was huge for them, and to make matters worse, their division is atrocious this season. Panthers? Yeah, right. Bucs? El Oh El. Falcons? Heh, after losing to the Jets? The Falcons are lucky I don’t ban them from this list. Cheer up, Saints fans, at the end of the rainbow (the SB) there’s a big bounty waiting for you… couldn’t resist, sorry.


3.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 6)
2013 Record: 4-1 (1st in AFC South)
Week 5: W vs Seattle, 28-34
Week 6: at San Diego (MNF)
Fez: Amazing, outstanding!!! Down by 12 to start the game, the Colts fought back and kept the PED boys scoreless in the final quarter, helping Luck’s college coach in the process by handing Seattle their first loss of the season. I recall an article from earlier this year stating that Andrew Luck had recommended Colin Kaepernick to Jim Harbaugh back in 2011, after a Manning Passing Academy. This quote stands out: “Andrew Luck: the Bay Area gift that keeps on givingâ€. And now this? That quote is spot-on. 2-0 against the top dogs in the NFC West, this top 3 ranking is absolutely deserved.

TJ: In the 1:00 PM ET slot, my dad, my brother and I were watching the Seahawks – Colts game. My brother can’t get over the fact that “his name is Luck and he plays with a horseshoe in his helmet? All he’s missing is a Center named Rabbitfoot or somethingâ€. I think Luck is playing with a massive chip on his shoulder. I mean, he was the #1 pick in the 2012 draft, and people only talk about Wilson and RGIII. Even Tannehill got some attention in the first few weeks of the season. Is he the first ever underrated #1 overall pick? Well, he might be!! He’s been playing out of his mind lately.


4.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 1)
2013 Record: 4-1 (1st in NFC West)
Week 5: L at Indianapolis, 28-34
Week 6: vs Tennessee
TJ: Man, oh, man!! For a time I thought I was watching the same old Seahawks again. You know, the team that was unbeatable at home, but below average on the road. Even my boy Russell Wilson had a down game. But I still think they’re the class of a very weak NFC and they should roll easily to the playoffs. Only thing…they should win their division, because I don’t know if they can pull it off on the road.

Fez: Hah!!! Karma’s a snitch, uh Seahawks? All that trash talk did nothing for you; au contraire, you pissed off T.Y. Hilton, who decided to shut you up by torching you with 2 scores and 1,413 yards (alright, they weren’t that many, but they felt like they were). And come on, don’t lie, it’s always enjoyable to see Stinky Pete doing this face:


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5.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 9)
2013 Record: 5-0 (2nd in AFC West)
Week 5: W at Tennessee, 26-17
Week 6: vs Oakland
Fez: How many breaks can a team get? Seriously, how many? An unbelievably ridiculous cupcake schedule through the first 4 weeks, and when they finally seem to face a competitive Titans team, they find a decimated Jake Locker, and along comes Ryan Pickspatrick. Ryan Pickspatrick!! And of course, Alex Smith and his insanely overrated “efficiency†get no criticism for being the main reason for letting the Titans linger around until they were forced to let Ryan Pickspatrick do Ryan Pickspatrick things. How long will the Chiefs’ luck last?

TJ: Come on!! The Titans are no cupcake!! It doesn’t matter if they didn’t have Locker. It’s not Smith or the Chiefs’ problem. This team’s run has been impressive to say the least, and I think Andy Reid is now the leading candidate for the Coach of the Year Award. So much for a guy who, according to the experts, needed a year off to regain his form. Anyway, I insisted to Fez that I wanted to use my veto powers to place the Chiefs in the top 3, maybe, but this was his response:



The lesson, as always…that’s why his name goes first, I guess…


6.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 7)
2013 Record: 2-2 (3rd in NFC North)
Week 5: W vs Detroit, 9-22
Week 6: at Baltimore
TJ: So much for my 45-42 prediction from last week. Who knew the Packers would find a defense during their bye week? They held Mathew Stafford Without Megatron (his new full name for this week), and Reggie Bush in check, and cruised to an easy victory at home against the Lions…like in the good old days when…nah, never mind. This will probably be the best division race in the league, unless the Broncos and Chiefs arrive to their week 11 showdown both undefeated, but among the Packers, Bears and Lions, who knows who will emerge victorious?

Fez: Here comes a confession. I stopped gambling. Did I find the strength to quit it? Nah, I just ran out of money and I’m not stupid enough to spend the cash I don’t have on this. My final tally this season was 0-4 in parlays, which is depressing or hilarious, depending on the point of view. And quite frankly, I’m glad I stopped because I would’ve absolutely take the “over†on this game, just to see the Lions offense stumbling without Megatron, causing me to kill a few kittens.


7.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 4)
2013 Record: 4-1 (1st in AFC East)
Week 5: L at Cincinnati, 6-13
Week 6: vs New Orleans
Fez: Readers kept saying the Pats were ranked too high throughout the first four weeks. The receivers’ inexperience finally caught up to them, and Brady snapped his streak of games with at least a TD pbutt. We all know about his hissy fits, and one has to wonder what level his whining reached in the locker room, after losing to Cincy. My guess? It was between “THROW A god **mn FLAG ZEBRA! I COULD FEEL THE DEFENDER’S BREATH ON ME!†and “GOD DAMNIT GISELE, I CAN’T FIND MY UGGS!!!†level.

TJ: Why would Gisele care about his uggs? Ask the maid, Tommy boy. But yeah, I kept thinking the Patriots were not that good, at least not 4-0 good. This team has too many holes, specially at wide receiver, and no, I won’t tell that joke again about Brady giving up more money so the team could get him more weapons.


8.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 10)
2013 Record: 3-2 (2nd in NFC West)
Week 5: W vs Houston, 3-34 (SNF)
Week 6: vs Arizona
TJ: Colin Kaepernick went 6 for 15 for 113 yards and one TD. I’m sorry, but those are Alex Smith-like numbers, so I CAN’T WAIT to see how Fez spins this one. Thankfully, I left him on the bench of my fantasy team because…well, I forgot about him. But still, I made the right move. The defense has stepped up, and made Matt Schaub look like Blaine Gabbert out there, but at this point, I don’t know how impressive that is anymore.

Fez: It wasn’t impressive, and I’ll be the first one to admit Kap needs to play better. After 8 years of The Mediocre Game Manager, switching to Kap evidently raised the standards which he’ll be held to. The game plan was clear, and the Texans quit after Schaub Happened, so the coaches might have held their horses a little bit. Suddenly, the Niners are back in contention, as they’ll host Carson Palmer next week. I’ll pull the trigger here: RUN CARSON, RUN!!!


9.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 5)
2013 Record: 3-2 (2nd in NFC North)
Week 5: L vs New Orleans, 26-18
Week 6: vs New York Giants (TNF)
TJ: Well, well, well…looks like Jay Cutler In His Contract Year has a new BFF. Alshon Jeffery had 10 catches for 218 yards and one score against Brandon Marshall’s 4 catches for 30 yards. I thought they were best buddies forever or something. This reminds me of an old game Fez and I had back when Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison were breaking records with the Colts, and then Reggie Wayne emerged, and Manning started throwing more at Wayne’s direction. Fez and I used to say he was cheating on his wife Harrison. Now Cutler is cheating on his wife Marshall. Yeah, this is the kind of stuff that Fez and I discuss from time to time...comparing a relationship of a QB with his WR with marriage.

Fez: In an related note, back then I was jobless and out of college. Good times!!! It got to the point we held a little thing called “matchup night†on Saturday nights… Sure, I’ll wait, you can laugh… waiting… waiting… fine, let’s move on. As I was saying, it got to the point that we had nicknames for virtually every player as we were showcasing our upcoming matchups to each other. We tried to revive it this year, but it’s not the same without playing in 11 leagues each. Yeah, 11. Again, I was unemployed.


10.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 14)
2013 Record: 3-2 (1st in AFC North)
Week 5: W at Miami, 26-23
Week 6: vs Green Bay
Fez: Joe Flacco’s self-claimed eliteness is taking a huge hit this season. 5 TD throws over 5 games, none of them against Miami, and still won the game. It must be nice to have that defense. I mean, six sacks!!! One by Pernell McPhee (Gesundheit!), one by Courtney Upshaw, one by Elvis Dumervil, two by Terrell Suggs and the last one by Terrell Suggs’ gums. Wow. Anyway, they only get a slight bump up the list; Flacco needs to step up.

TJ: What are you talking about? Step up? He’s a Super Bowl winner, and MVP!! The hell he needs to step up!! He’s set for life!! Even if he sucks the rest of his NFL Career, he’ll be elite because of that Super Bowl win. Just like past elite Super Bowl winners like Trent Dilfer, Brad Johnson and…you know, that guy from the early 90’s Redskins…yeah, that one who had to sell his ring, and then sued the league…heck it, I don’t know. Yeah!! So freaking elite!!


11.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 15)
2013 Record: 3-2 (3rd in AFC North)
Week 5: W vs New England, 6-13
Week 6: at Buffalo
Fez: This would’ve been an ever bigger win if their offense didn’t stumble this badly. Back in week 3, life was good for Andy Dalton; he didn’t have a soul but at least he had 5 TDs. Two weeks later, he still has those 5 throws. Oh well. Did you happen to catch the final minutes of this game? A giant cloud came and poured rain heavily, then the cloud moved on and Adam “Don’t call me Pacman†Jones grabbed the game-ending interception. MAKE IT RAIN, MUTHAFREAKAH!!! PS: I’m surprised the zebras didn’t actually call off the game because the visibility wasn’t good enough for pretty boy Tom to attempt a comeback.

TJ: I was more surprised by Pacman Jones being still alive than this Bengals win. That’s now two former Cowboys defensive backs making plays for the Bengals, while the Cowboys keep struggling and getting torched by the likes of Philip Rivers and Alex Smith. There’s an “it’s Romo’s fault†joke somewhere in there. You know what they say…â€a man’s trash, it’s another man’s treasure†or something like that. Let’s just move on, my stomach still hurts…


12.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 8)
2013 Record: 3-2 (3rd in AFC East)
Week 5: L vs Baltimore, 26-23
Week 6: BYE
Fez: After week 3, when several teams were undefeated, I thought it would be the Chiefs the ones to start fading soon. Not so fast. For a (now) 3-2 team, the ‘Phins are unbelievably bad on their running game, and all I hear from some of their fans is that their OL is atrocious, calling it the worst ever and whatnot. Bet they now wish they had re-signed Jake Long instead of wasting top dollar on a glorified deep threat guy.

TJ: A glorified deep threat guy who has been killing me in fantasy lately. Fine, I promised myself not to complain about fantasy football anymore…especially now that I’m all but eliminated from my two main leagues. But yeah, they let Long and Reggie Bush walk, what did they expect? That Tannehill and Wallace would be enough of an offense to compete? And they extended Jeff Ireland for that!! After a 3-0 start. Way to jump the gun, guys!!


13.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 16)
2013 Record: 1-4 (3rd in NFC South)
Week 5: L vs New York Jets, 30-28 (MNF)
Week 6: BYE
TJ: Well, well, well. Poor Matt Ryan. Even when he’s clutch, he still finds ways to lose. I’m not blaming him. Who knew Geno Smith would rally the Jets and pull a come back win in his FIFTH NFL start? That gives him two in his rookie season, and just got past Ryan…or at least it feels like it. I think it’s time for them to kiss the division goodbye. No way they catch the Saints. And man, must Tony G be PISSED. He came back for this? How do we know he’s not giving Ryan a Wedgie right now?

Fez: We officially have our first 2012 playoff team that will miss the postseason in 2013. It was unexcusable to give the Falcons back to back primetime games at home to begin with, and somehow they found a way to blow it… come on, Atlanta. It’s the Jets. THE JETS!!! The bye week is here for them, and the front office will have to make some ultimatums backdoors, with their respective “vote of confidence†in the media pressers. Oh well, it’s the management’s fault too. Can you name 5 starters on that defense without googling?


14.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 11)
2013 Record: 3-2 (1st in NFC North)
Week 5: L at Green Bay, 9-22
Week 6: at Cleveland
TJ: No Megatron? No offense for the Lions. Simple as that. Without him, it was time for Reggie Bush to carry the load, and all he did was produce 44 yards on the ground. Good think you finally figured out the NFL, fella!! Matt Stafford looked lost without Johnson, which made me think maybe he should donate half of his ridiculous salary to him.

Fez: Only half? Matthew should be living in Megatron’s basement!!! I’ve got an idea, though… next time the mainstream media or message boards start crowning a late bloomer like Reggie Bush or Alex Smith, please consult me first and I’ll give you the verdict on whether you should crown the guy or not. I’m no football mastermind or anything, but I have some instincts, and most of the times they’re god **mn right.


15.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 18)
2013 Record: 3-2 (2nd in AFC North)
Week 5: W vs Buffalo, 24-37 (TNF)
Week 6: vs Detroit
Fez: Poor Clevelanders. Can’t catch a freaking break. Right after the Indians lost a win-or-go-home at their own place without scoring a single damn run (Indians fan here, you can feel the frustration, right?), the Browns come up to play the always sloppy TNF game. Lost newly anointed hero Brian Hoyer, but won the game. It’s all good, right? They’re in sole possession of first place!!! Of course that only lasted three days, as both the Bengals and Ravens won their respective matchups. Man, that town is cursed. It is like losing a pet fish, then finding $20 in your jeans, then submitting a 3-team parlay that made you win $6K, only to accidentally drop your ticket into the toilet right as you were flushing a huge turd you just pooped. Gamut of emotions.

TJ: I’ll always remember the HOYER THE DESTROYER era. Even if it only lasted two games, you know, like the Derek Anderson era. The only difference is that Anderson secretly sucked, while Hoyer might be the best QB in the new Browns history. Anyway, it’s October and the Browns are over .500!! If that’s not the biggest surprise of the season so far, I don’t know what is!! But at what cost? Hoyer is down, and he’s not coming back this year. What will the Browns do? While Coach Chudzisikikikzksizizkwizki decides, he filed a restraining order on Josh Freeman after all the calls, texts and voice mails he has received from him.


16.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 13)
2013 Record: 3-2 (2nd in AFC South)
Week 5: L vs Kansas City, 26-17
Week 6: at Seattle
Fez: Just as I said last week (it was obvious, though, everyone could see it coming), the Titans’ jump to the top half of the rankings wouldn’t last once Jake Locker hurt his hip. You know what’s the lesson? “Don’t get hurt� Naw, that’s impossible when it comes to Jake Locker. The lesson is: don’t sign a Harvard turnover machine who flamed out with his previous team as the backup to your oft-injured QB, and expect him to lead you to a come-from-behind win.

TJ: Look, I know it can be hard to see your starting QB go down and miss some time. I know it’s even worse when your back up is Ryan Fitzpatrick, and that can make you feel helpless and desperate. But come on now, This sounds a little drastic to me. Come on, Titans…keep calm and wait until Locker returns. Just give a few more hand offs to Chris Johnson, and be patient. Don’t do anything stupid, please. I’m begging you!!


17.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 12)
2013 Record: 2-3 (3rd in AFC South)
Week 5: L at San Francisco, 3-34 (SNF)
Week 6: vs St. Louis
Fez: Truth to be told, I’m being WAAAAAAY too generous by sticking the Texans here. They could’ve fallen out of the top 20 if not for the reason they have the firepower to come back from that shaky start of the season. As for Matt Schaub, we all knew he was a middle-of-the-pack guy, someone whom you wouldn’t bet on winning a ring, but when did he turn into the bald son of that old fart in Mississippi?



TJ: Good!! I’m glad!! Let’s get the tastefully named TJ Yates’ era started!! He can’t be worse, and he already took the Texans to the playoffs once!! What do they have to lose? They won’t catch the Colts, so all they have to do is get to 9 wins, hold off the Titans, and get a wild card so they can pull another one-gamer in January. By the way, football is the national past time in Texas. But man, do their QBs suck. It’s like the English choking in soccer World Cups all the time. Hey!! Wait a minute…


18.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 20)
2013 Record: 2-3 (2nd in NFC East)
Week 5: L vs Denver, 51-48
Week 6: vs Washington (SNF)
TJ: Everything has been said about Antonio Ramiro Romo, Cowboys QB. There’s nothing much to add, really. For years, and years I defended the guy. I suffered through every single collapse this team has had over the years. I suffered every single stomach punch this team has thrown at me. I still remember the first one: the Fumble game, back in 2007 (when Romo dropped the hold for the game-winning FG against the Seahawks), and how I couldn’t sleep that night so I drank a whole bottle of whiskey. I suffered the trash talk of all my friends. Even my fellow Cowboys fans called me an idiot for believing in him, but I didn’t care. Then, last year I decided I had had enough. The loss against the Redskins in week 17 pushed me over the edge. I turned on Romo and decided we wouldn’t go anywhere with him at QB. Then he got the $100 million extension because of course he did. Then he only threw one pick (that wasn’t even his fault) in the first 4 games of this season. Then he threw for 500 yards and 5 TDs against a pretty mediocre Broncos defense. THAT’S when I put my guard down. I started believing again. I even tweeted “Come on, Ramiro!! I’ll give you your first name back if you pull this off!!â€. The stage was set: tied game, 2 minutes to go. And out of nowhere, there it came again…the stomach punch. I was rolling on the floor in pain, like so many times before, with my brother dancing in front of me, and all I was able to think was what an Idiot I was for falling for it again. Will I ever learn? Will Ramiro and the Cowboys ever be able to close a big game in the final minutes? I don’t know. I don’t think they will. So I’ll continue to be a cynical butthole for the rest of this season. I was even called out during the week: “why are you still a fan if you hate this team so much?†Well, this is the reason. The stomach punches. Because no matter how many times you get punched in the stomach like that, you never get used to it. IT FREAKING HURTS!!!

Even Fez turned on his 49ers during the Alex Smith era, but he never stopped being a fan!! And now look at him how happy he is!! Jacking off to his Kaepernick nudes, and having all those strange fantasies. I want to be happy again…not THAT happy, of course, but happy nonetheless. And I know I will some day, only it won’t be during the Romo era. We have to hit rock bottom first, like Fez and the 49ers did.

Ohh, and before I give the floor to Fez so he can make fun of me again, I just want to say to my fellow Cowboys fans FREAK YOU, YOU FREAKING BUTTHOLES!! When I defended Romo, you called me an idiot. Now that I attack him and blame him, you still call me an idiot because “it’s not his faultâ€, when that’s exactly what I was saying for all these years. I’ll finish this rant by one more time saying to those Cowboys fans: FREAK YOU, YOU FREAKING BUTTHOLES!!! That’s all. Have a good night.

Fez: I love the way the mainstream media like Pete Prisco or Peter King defended Ramiro as the game was ending. There is a valid reason, as the Cowboys dropped 48 on the Broncos defense and still lost. I’m sorry, what did you expect? Of course the Cowboys were going to score at will on Denver!!! Have you not watched the Broncos games this season? I’ll save you the research: Ravens got 27 on them; Giants 23; Raiders (THE RAIDERS!) 21; Eagles 20. Keep in mind that only the Giants were playing at their own place. Denver’s defense is NOT GOOD, people. Denver will score on anyone, people. The reason why Ramiro gets this much flack is that he does Ramiro Romo things!!! Game on the line? Here, a turnover. Win-or-go-home game? Nah, I won’t show up. That’s Ramiro Romo, and anyone who expects him to change is in for a disappointment. Did we mention that he got a 100+ million contract this offseason? Jerry pls!!!




19.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 26)
2013 Record: 3-2 (3rd in NFC West)
Week 5: W vs Carolina, 6-22
Week 6: at San Francisco
TJ: This week’s Larry Fitzgerald line: 3 catches for 43 yards. I’m sorry, but that’s not going to cut it. Even if the Cardinals are tied with the 49ers in second place in the NFC West. So much has been said about their defense, how much better it has got with Daryl Washington’s return, but relax, guys. It was only the Panthers. The first match-up against SF is next week, and it should tell us just how good this defense is. This rivalry takes me back…you know, when the 49ers were struggling, and the Cardinals were making playoffs and even Super Bowl appearances…which made Fez want to cut himself…yeah, I miss those days.

Fez: In a totally unexpected plot twist, the Cardinals, with Daryl Washington back, turned the tables and made Scam Newton the featured guy on RUN CARSON, RUN!!!’s campaign. Of course, as the helpless homer that I am, I don’t expect this to happen again next week, as the Cards line will have their hands full, handling the 49ers defensive line and LBs. But yeah, today? Carson deserves a break. RUN SCAM, RUN!!!


20.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 28)
2013 Record: 2-3 (1st in NFC East)
Week 5: W at New York Giants, 36-21
Week 6: at Tampa Bay
TJ: Down goes Vick!! Again!! I feel like I’ve seen this before… maybe because IT HAS happened before. One of these days, he won’t be able to make it back, and I know somebody who would absolutely love that, right, buddy?

Fez: I…

BELIEVE…

IN…

NICK…

FOLES!!!!!!

I’m not excited about Foles’ numbers this weekend. He inherited a 9-pt lead from Vick and he was facing a hapless Giants team. Oh no, I’m thrilled that Foles will get his chance this season, right as my QB situation (Eli and The Red Rifle, known as dumb and dumber) is going down in flames. Give me two games at least, Nicky. And when the Eagles get two wins under his lead, please remember who was tooting Foles’ horn all this time. And TJ give me a call if by any chance a sports magazine decides to feature both Foles and Kap on its cover. Is it possible for us men to have multiple orgasms? Wait, don’t answer that.


21.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 22)
2013 Record: 2-3 (4th in NFC West)
Week 5: W vs Jacksonville, 20-34
Week 6: at Houston
TJ: I struggled for my Suicide League pick this week. I refused to go against my own team and pick the Broncos, and the rest of the games looked very tight. So I went to the number 1 rule of suicide leagues: “when in doubt, go with whoever plays the worst teamâ€. That team was the Rams. I rolled the dice and hopped for the best, and long story short, I’m still alive!! By the way, do any of you guys watch Formula 1 Racing? What am I saying…of course you don’t!! Anyway, ever since the Rams vs. Cowboys game three or so weeks ago, I noticed the uncanny resemblance between Sam Bradford and my boy Sergio “Checo†Perez (the Mexican Formula 1 driver, who drives for McLaren this year, and is underachieving…and I’m being generous). Here are some pics:





From now on, I’m calling him Checo Bradford.

Fez: Come on, Checo Bradford? Is Checo backed up by a multimillion contract he doesn’t deserve? Is he so underwhelming that he used to be some hot crap, and now his team and the fans of the team wouldn’t even remember his name two weeks after he left? Wait… CHECO BRADFORD, everybody!!!


22.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 27)
2013 Record: 2-3 (3rd in AFC West)
Week 5: W vs San Diego, 17-27
Week 6: at Kansas City
Fez: Matt Flynn got mercifully cut the morning after that snoozer that no one outside the West Coast watched. And now the Raiders will be rolling with Terrelle Pryor until the next coaching change, which will helplessly bring in a new guy, rinse and repeat. Now, it’s been twice this season that the MLB has somehow interfered with the NFL’s normal course. If anything, that should be grounds for firing Roger Goodell. Who the heck moves a football game to start at 11:30pm?

TJ: Matt Flynn is such a lucky bastard. Did you know that between both his contracts with the Seahawks and Raiders he made over $14 MILLION DOLLARS?!?! Has anyone been paid that much for just ONE good game? You know…besides Ramiro Romo? But hey!! At least Romo had to show up every week and rip my heart out!! Matt Flynn only had ONE start in that two-year span. And he gets 14 MILLION DOLLARS?!?!?! While I work 14 hour shifts Mondays through Saturdays for less than 5% of that? I give up. Life is not fair…


23.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 17)
2013 Record: 2-3 (4th in AFC East)
Week 5: L at Cleveland, 24-37 (TNF)
Week 6: vs Cincinnati
Fez: OH HELL NOOO!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xR8oke8rzp8]Friday the 13th original theme - YouTube[/ame]

You can’t be serious. In the wake of E.J. Manuel’s injury last Thursday, Sterling Sharpe made an unprovoked Favre reference by claiming that the old crank is in the best shape of his life. Why would he say that? Come on, we saw his career die!!! We buried it, with a bottle of Vicodin in his honor!!! Look, I give up, if he-who-shalt-not-be-named comes back, might as well legally change his name to Favroorhees, wear a god damned hockey mask under his helmet, and have the PA play the song posted a few lines above on pre-game warmups. Is there a silver lining in this potential disaster? Sharpe made no comments about the shape of Favre’s p**is, and we all thank him for that. Especially Jenn Sterger.

TJ: I’m pretty sure it wasn’t serious. I mean, Favre is 44 years old. FORTY-FOUR!!! No way in hell it happens. Actually, the Bills will be working out a QB during the week to replace Manuel while he gets better. Nope, it’s not Josh Freeman. Nope, it’s not Tim Tebow. It’s the one, the only, Pat White. At this point, I’d roll the dice with Jeff Tuel, I mean, at least he knows the playbook. And I almost started the Jeff Tuel bandwagon when it looked like he’d be the first ever undrafted rookie to start his first game at QB. (UPDATE: You know, I had written that on Friday, after the TNF game…turns out, the Bills will turn the car keys to some Tad Lewis guy or something. I mean, I know Tebow is not a good QB or anything, but this is getting ridiculous. At this point I’ll get a try out before he does).


24.- New York Jets (Last Week: 23)
2013 Record: 3-2 (2nd in AFC East)
Week 5: W at Atlanta, 30-28 (MNF)
Week 6: vs Pittsburgh
Fez: Geno Smith!!! No, really! Geno Smith!!! Has it ever happened that a rookie QB with an unbelievably discomforting body language somehow leads an otherwise laughing stock of the league to three wins in their first five games? Didn’t Ryan Leaf win 3 games, total? And yes, please take a look at their week 6 matchup. Home vs the winless Steelers. And please consider that the Patriots are hosting the Saints next week. Are we ready to live in a world where the Jets are tied for the AFC East’s first place with New England? Did the Mayans miss on their predictions by a year? I’ll get some canned goods just in case.

TJ: All those people who kept making jokes about the Jets during the offseason must be feeling really good, don’t they? I called it in the season preview. Those jokes were not funny, uncalled for, and could fire back pretty easily. Now I understand why the Jets were so eager to convince Sanchez to have season-ending surgery. They handled it brilliantly. Tell the guy he won the QB battle in training camp, but due to his injury, they’ll go with the rook while he gets better. Then convince him to have the surgery, place his butt on IR, and cut him when the season is over. Rex Ryan, you’re a weird fella, but you are a very smart man. My hat goes off to you.


25.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 19)
2013 Record: 2-3 (4th in AFC West)
Week 5: L at Oakland, 17-27
Week 6: vs Indianapolis (MNF)
Fez: I sadly remember when Ronnie Brown was the most complete back on the 2005 draft clbutt. I thought the Dolphins had hit with that selection. Now he’s relegated to sharing duties with Danny Woodpecker in the never ending task of crashing at the line of scrimmage for no gain or for a loss of yardage. As for the rest of the team… Norv Turner’s long gone. What’s the excuse, San Diego?

TJ: It’s so not fair to have these games that late at night. My poor father is a big Chargers fan, but he’s 58 years old, and gets up every Sunday at 6:00 am to exercise because it’s the only day when he can do it. Do you think he’ll stay up past midnight? Goodell pls. As for the poor Chargers, it’s not enough to get rid of Norv. Everything is infected: the roster, the stadium, even the city!! Cut everyone, blow up the stadium and move the team to LA or something. It’s the only way to stop the infection. Do it for America, Chargers!! **salutes**


26.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 25)
2013 Record: 1-3 (4th in in NFC North)
Week 5: BYE
Week 6: vs Carolina
TJ: I love QB controversies. They make guys work harder in practice, and be ready in case the other guy struggles or goes down with an injury. The Vikings just decided that neither Matt Cassel not the tastefully named Christian Ponder were their guy, so they went ahead and signed Josh Freeman. It’s hard to understand the logic behind this move, but maybe, just maybe being away from Greg Schiano’s buttholeness (I think I just made up another word) will make Freeman go back to his 2010 days when he looked like a competent QB. I love this move.

Fez: I love how the media handled the Freeman affair as if it was Joe Montana getting run out of town and having the ability to pick his next team. So much noise for a guy with less playoffs wins than Ramiro Romo, and THAT is saying something. What’s the plan, Frazier? Picking his names out of a hat? Rock, paper and scissors to determine who starts every week? It doesn’t matter, none of them will take pressure off Adrian Peterson. And by the way, you owe Matt Cassel a hug, after winning a game for you replacing Ponder.


27.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 24)
2013 Record: 1-3 (3rd in NFC East)
Week 5: BYE
Week 6: at Dallas (SNF)
TJ: The only good thing about that ugly Cowboys loss against the Broncos? Well, now I’m fully confident the Cowboys offense can tear the Redskins defense apart. And RGIII is no Peyton Manning, so I don’t expect a drive in the final 2 minutes for Romo to blow. And if it gets to that, so be it. Oh, my God…The Redskins will make me shave my head, won’t they? :(

Fez: Screw yeah!!! Can you film it? Can you even perform a fake crying like Natalie Portman on “V for Vendetta� Can you wear your Ramiro Romo jersey as you’re losing it? Hell, can we arrange your buddy to agree to make it a mohawk? It would make my year to see your nerdy face with a mohawk. As for next week, it’s a shame that I’m driving the Nickfoleon Dynamite bandwagon… otherwise I’d be rooting against Philly and Dallas, just to have a three-way tie for the NFC LEast lead, with an atrocious 2-4 record each. I’m sorry, I can’t root against Nicky, so the Eagles will definitely take the lead.


28.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 21)
2013 Record: 1-3 (2nd in NFC South)
Week 5: L at Arizona, 6-22
Week 6: at Minnesota
TJ: Well, hello, Scam Newton!! We have missed you!! Where have you been? Here…take a seat. You know? You almost had me fooled with that destruction of the Giants in week 3. But since then, we have learned two very valuable lessons: the Giants suck, and you are horribly overrated. Be thankful that your back-up is Derek Anderson. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason the Panthers haven’t even thought about pulling the trigger.

Fez: That billion dollar backfield is like herpes… it just won’t go away. Jonathan Stewart has yet to play this season; DeAngelo Williams will soon legally change his name to DeAngelo Williams’ Ghost and Scam… well… no comments. The Saints will definitely use this Panthers team, as well as the Bucs and Falcons, as punching bags to train for the NFC big boys.


29.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 29)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in AFC North)
Week 5: BYE
Week 6: at New York Jets
Fez: It’s always hard to say anything about a team coming off a bye week. It’s even harder to read all the social media funny guys repeating the same jokes over and over again, when a winless franchise is resting. Like that lame one “-Knock knock. -Who’s there? –Owen. -Owen who? -Owen five!!!â€, or the absolutely atrocious “The Steelers lost this game to their bye week, 35-3.†It was funny when I first heard it… ten years ago.



TJ: Yeah, I don’t know what to say about the Steelers. And I was going to make a joke about them failing to cover the spread against the Bye week, but after Fez wrote that, I can’t do it anymore, can I? Anyway, it’s so weird to see them this low, winless after five weeks… I guess I grew up used to seeing the Steelers at the top all the time, every year, no matter what happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is HAHAHAHA!! SUCK IT, SNITCHES!! 0-4!! LOL!!!


30.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 31)
2013 Record: 0-4 (4th in NFC South)
Week 5: BYE
Week 6: vs Philadelphia
TJ: In the latest episode of the Bucs soap opera, Coach Butthole continued throwing Josh Freeman under the bus by leaking information about his substance abuse (of course it was him! Don’t look at me like that…the man hates him…HATES HIM!!), and then releasing him during the bye week after reportedly trying to trade him (who would trade for a confidence shot QB with a substance abuse problem who will be a free agent next year? You’re a freaking idiot, Coach Butthole!!). Poor Josh Freeman went from NFL Starting QB to unemployed in just two weeks. I know I said “FREE JOSH FREEMAN†last week, but that’s not what I meant!! Who will save poor Josh? Stay tuned for next week’s episode. (ANOTHER UPDATE!! SINCE, YOU KNOW, I HAD WRITTEN THIS ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON: Turns out the Vikings came to Josh’s rescue. From an butthole coach to a laid down coach. This should be fun).
Fez: Which begs the question. Why does Schibutthole hate Freeman so much? Did he sleep with the coach’s wife? Was he one of the guys who anonymously complained about him, wishing he’d go back to college? Did he not respond “SIR, YES SIR!†when he ordered to start a passing drill in practice? For the sake of his job security, Glennon better be all that and then some.


31.- New York Giants (Last Week: 30)
2013 Record: 0-5 (4th in NFC East)
Week 5: L vs Philadelphia, 36-21
Week 6: at Chicago (TNF)
TJ: Man, I would HATE being a professional player in NYC…and I’m a Knicks fan, so go figure. I mean, sure, Elisha Manning has won two Super Bowls in the past 6 years, but what has she done lately? Well, not much, really, only becoming the black sheep Manning, and NYC Public Enemy number 1. It’s amazing how far this team has fallen, and even more amazing how their fans have turned on them. Maybe the Yankees elimination gave them something else to think about. I say it’s time to blow this team up. Time for Coughlin to retire, for Manning to play for another team…I mean, isn’t Archie Manning’s dream to have both his sons play each other in the Super Bowl? At 0-5, the Giants aren’t going anywhere. Let it go, Archie…the dream is over.

Fez: Somewhere, Cooper’s screaming “I’m off the hook!!! Wohoo!!!†By the way, no NY media crap is compared to the rage I have directed towards Eli for killing my fantasy team. At least he had the decency to get me two TD passes, but those 2 late INTs could’ve been costly. Let’s make a deal, Eli. You’re not going anywhere this year. Play lights out for the first half, score three TDs, and then hand it off for the second half, regardless of the score. Deal? Please?


32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
2013 Record: 0-5 (4th in AFC South)
Week 5: L at St. Louis, 20-34
Week 6: at Denver
Fez: Tough times for OT Luke Joeckel. The 2nd overall pick broke his ankle and is out of the year. Fortunately for Blaine Gabbert, Chad Henne or the genetic cross between those two that will definitely be named Chaine Henbbert, they still have 2009’s first round pick Eug… oh, wait, they traded him away for a couple of late round picks. Why? Because heck you, Chaine Henbbert, that’s why. If you ask me, the Jags should’ve asked for more in exchange for a quality starting LT. But that’s life for their franchise. Oh yeah, a visit to The Mile High next week. That new butthole they’ll be ripped by Denver will be known as The Mile Wide.

TJ: Well, I don’t have much to add, really. I want to take this opportunity to thank @SteveRobWhatever and @Sweets for everything. Thank you for creating this site, giving us a place to talk football, even giving us our own blog for our Power Rankings. I know you guys enjoy reading our stuff, and all I can say is that I hope you continue to do so, even if you’re not in charge anymore. Enjoy your retirement. Enjoy your lives. You deserve it. Thanks for everything!!

Now, please rise for Reverend Fez who will close these Power Rankings by thanking our Lord and reading a bible verse. Reverend?

Fez:
“Do not lay up for yourselves failures on earth,
where Gabbert and Henne destroy
and where you trade your LT for peanuts,
but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven,
where The Tebow for touchdown runs,
and where MADD shares a beer with you.
For where your treasure is, there your wins will be also.
Matthew 6:19 (Chaine Henbbert’s likely TD-INT ratio this year)

Virgin Timmy Full of Grace, pray for them!

TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pass, and he’ll never put his guard down again so help him God.
Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. He spends his football season weekends in peace, knowing that the police found Colin Kaepernick’s balls and reattached them back to his cover-man body… wait, what?
Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.

 

Guys Ireland was extended before the offseason started. As for keeping Bush and Long, bush is made for a gun offense like the Likns run, not a WCO. And Long has been average, when he is in the game.

 

I have also loved [MENTION=548]TJ[/MENTION] and [MENTION=547]Fez[/MENTION]'s blog since day one actually. I'll be a cheerleader for them as long as they write this. We're not leaving, retiring or abandoning the site, SRW is still in charge but we're just wanting to get our personal lives back and let the members run with the ball for now. This site is for MEMBERS not admin/staff doing everything so it's all up to you the MEMBERS.

As usual your blog is terrific, funny and informative!! Mucho ♥♥♥

 

Good write up guys! Keep it up!

 

Thanks for the love fellas. Just something to keep in mind. A friend of mine ran into Coach in New Orleans. They talked for a couple of minutes and my friend said that he wishes that the Saints would stomp the competition and make it to the Super Bowl as a giant heck you to Godell. Coach Payton kinda smiled and said that it wouldn't be right and winked. He is back with an agenda. He is going to put his foot on the gas pedal this season. Just wish our running game was better.