Fez & TJ NFL Power Rankings. Week 7 Edition

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by Fez, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    TJ inadvertedly quits on fantasy football (FINALLY); Fez enjoys some football pourn as his man-crush starts looking like his old self. It’s Fez and TJ’s Power Rankings, Week 7 Edition!

    Fez: Hello everybody! Welcome to our weekly Power Rankings! As usual, I had a rough time setting the order of the 32 teams in the league, given their previous records, their results this week and my personal, helpless bias towards certain teams whose Greek God bodies appeared on sports magazines in the offseason, and negative bias towards some others, especially those whose Mediocre Game Managers are being carried by their respective defenses and schedules comparable to the NCAA Division I-AA level. Also, let me mention that I’m distraught about the Nick Foles bandwagon’s wheels coming off, maybe for good. Of course I will refuse to leave the cabin and they might have to take me to the junkyard with the pieces that are left of it. Wild week in football. Let’s hear from TJ while I pull myself together.

    TJ: Hi, guys. Welcome to “Fez is being a stubborn butthole while TJ just sits and watchesâ€￾, also known as “Fez and TJ’s NFL Power Rankings Week 7 Edition, presented by Gridironfans.comâ€￾. This week, once again work and life almost got in the way of delivering the rankings in time, but man, I wasn’t going to deny our loyal followers (all 15 of them) of their favorite reading for those Tuesday mornings sitting on the crapper, no sireeee!! So I took Fez, overloaded him on caffeine, overloaded myself on nicotine, and we got to work. This is what came up. Enjoy!!

    Fez: (Side and late note: TJ wanted to help me stay awake after a long day at the hospital taking care of a close family member, but he gave me the crappy Mexican stuff instead of the quality crap. I blame him for falling asleep while he was finishing his MNF teams sections to send them back to me to reply)

    1.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 3)
    2013 Record: 5-1 (1st in NFC South)
    Week 7: BYE
    Week 8: vs Buffalo

    TJ: How nice!! They get to climb to the top spot without even playing!! At this point, I don’t know if this is Fez just being stubborn…or trying to flirt!! (inside joke, don’t bother trying to get it). Ahem…anyway, now that they’ve won the NFC South pretty much by default, let’s see them battle the Seahawks, Packers and Cowboys that’s it…you know, for the NFC top seed. Let’s hope they don’t clinch it by thanksgiving.

    Fez: Ahem, you forgot listing the 49ers. Still one game behind and plenty of football to play, you jerk. And who says I’m flirting? Just because some Saints fan may or may not have complained that she came across another flawed guy, then may or may not have asked publicly when she’s going to meet “The Oneâ€￾, and then I may or may not have replied that it’s not gonna be soon because I don’t plan on traveling to her city? That’s flirting? *thinking* Wait, don’t answer that. Better move on.

    2.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 9)
    2013 Record: 5-2 (1st in AFC South)
    Week 7: W vs Denver, 33-39 (SNF)
    Week 8: BYE

    Fez: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww! How about ‘em Colts? Along came the “juggernautâ€￾ that the rest of the league was crowning and proceeded to dominate them until the furious comeback attempt from Peyton in the fourth quarter. Now, allow me to give a shout out to the guy who invented the SAP feature on televisions. I’ll explain: no cable company in Mexico (as far as I know) carries NBC, but ESPN Latin America shows the SNF games, as well as their own MNFs. Anyway, as I was watching the pregame show, some dude named Eduardo Varela, who’s in charge of play-by-play duties somehow managed to call the Manning vs Luck “Teacher vs Pupilâ€￾ even though, you know, they never were part of the Colts at the same time. I tell you, you ‘mericans think you have some awful announcers… you haven’t listened to some of our very worst, yet. Thank you, inventor of the SAP feature!

    TJ: Sky does have the SAP feature for the ESPN channels, and you have no idea how much I love it. I get to listen to Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth, Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and yeah, some of you might be wondering why I love it so much when they suck; well, you haven’t heard the Spanish announcers…and even if you did, you wouldn’t understand them, right? Right, moving on, Reggie Wayne tore his ACL in the win against the Broncos, and it will be a huge loss for this team. Maybe now they’ll cut him after the season, after the media starts wondering if he’ll ever play again, only for him to sign with…uh, I don’t know, maybe the Broncos? Reuniting himself with Peyton Manning, taking one last shot at a Super Bowl…

    3.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 4)
    2013 Record: 6-1 (1st in NFC West)
    Week 7: W at Arizona, 34-22
    Week 8: at St. Louis (MNF)

    TJ: The Seahawks are 6-1 for the first time in franchise history, leading the NFC West, and the rest of the NFC for that matter, and now they have 11 days to prepare to the Bradford-less St. Louis Rams. I wonder if Fez will also complain about them catching a lot of breaks. Oh, who am I kidding? Even with Bradford the Seahawks would be favored to destroy the Lambs, so don’t give me that bullcrap, Fez!!

    Fez: I’m not going to use that one because the PEDhawks are somewhat legit (sans the cheating but still, legit) on both sides of the ball. The Rams will lay down, for sure, even if they bring in The Tebow to lead them out of this mess. Now, you think I’m not waiting for that Nov 10th SEA-ATL game that has “TRAP GAME!â€￾ written all over it? I just hope the Falcons pull it off and don’t rely on Matt Ryan (a.k.a. Ramiro Ice) to win it in crunch time. You can do it, Ramiro Ice!

    4.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 1)
    2013 Record: 6-1 (2nd in AFC West)
    Week 7: L at Indianapolis, 33-39 (SNF)
    Week 8: vs Washington

    Fez: Peyton Manning’s homecoming was warm, and I believe any true football fan liked what he saw from the Indy crowd. Now, as for the game, didn’t I warn you? Did I or did I not keep saying all along that the Broncos looked the part but hadn’t faced anyone who could conceivably challenge them? DID I OR DID I NOT SAY IT, GOD DAMNIT?! I WANT A PULITZER! I WANT A PRIZE! FREAK IT, IF I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE, I WANT A COOKIE!

    TJ: Fine, fine!! Geez, chill out!! Just remember…


    Of course all it took for the Broncos to fall was one good, or even competent opponent. Come on, it’s not rocket science!! The injuries in the OL finally caught up with them, and they have to accept the fact that, with or without both Champ Bailey and Von Miller, the defense is average, at best. This is great when you play against the Cowboys or Jaguars of the world, but against the top teams of the AFC, well…let’s see them continue to keep up. At some point, they’ll fall short…as always.

    5.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 5)
    2013 Record: 7-0 (1st in AFC West)
    Week 7: W vs Houston, 16-17
    Week 8: vs Cleveland

    Fez: You want to know why I repeatedly refuse to rank the Chiefs higher? I have 7 reasons here. #1: Blaine Gabbert. #2: Ramiro Romo in full choke mode. #3: Mike Vick. #4: Eli Manning and the one-win Giants. #5: Ryan Pickspatrick. #6: Terrelle Pryor. #7: Case Keenum. Look at that murderer’s row, for christ’s sake. College football teams are wondering why the Chiefs are getting so many cupcakes to inflate their record. For a checkdown machine with a 2-27-1 record when the opponent scores 24+ points, it’s pretty easy to remain undefeated when your own defense holds the rivals to less than 12 points per game. Enough with the nonsense about Kansas City. By the way? Reason #8: Brandon Weeden up next. See?!?!

    TJ: Hey!! I resent that #2!! Ramiro wasn’t in full choke mode in that game, it was only vintage Ramiro Romo!! Anyway, while I see your point, I believe an undefeated team after 7 games should AT LEAST be in the top 2, right? I mean, sure, let’s say the QB sucks (he doesn’t, but I want to keep Fez’s attention), still, that defense has been lights out all season!! Shouldn’t that be enough reason? **Looks at the list of teams the Chiefs have beaten again**…fine, you’re right!!

    6.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 6)
    2013 Record: 4-2 (1st in NFC North)
    Week 7: W vs Cleveland, 13-31
    Week 8: at Minnesota (SNF)

    TJ: Look!! It’s the ACME Packers!! Those unis are awful, awful, awful, but them being ACME, I kept expecting them to blow up to pieces, or backfire on them somehow (yes, I watched lots of cartoons when I was a kid…I’m sorry).

    There’s no way this carefully planned scheme could ever go wrong…

    Fez: Now THAT is a QB. The tastefully named Aaron Rodgers has an ACME offensive line that blows him up every now and then; he’s lost Randall Cobb, James Jones, just lost Jermichael Finley to a nasty concussion and he keeps chugging along. Hell, he just made some dude named Jarrett Boykin the FFL waiver wire hot crap of the week. Jarrett Boykin!!! Just keep in mind how Peyton and Uggy Boy kept their offenses alive by making chicken salad out of no-name receivers (spare me the Harrison and Wayne couple, Peyton did Wonders with Austin freaking Collie and Pierre Garçon owes him half his signing bonus he got from Washington) for years. In case you had forgotten: Aaron Rodgers is damn good.

    7.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 2)
    2013 Record: 5-2 (1st in AFC East)
    Week 7: L at New York Jets, 27-30 (OT)
    Week 8: vs Miami

    Fez: I don’t care if you beat the Saints the previous week. You lose to the Jets, you’re out of the top 5, no questions asked. By the way, I loved the Twitter outrage about the controversial flag called on Chris Jones. I’m not a lawyer (and thank god, I couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I have no spine or a trace of integrity in my body), but one of the few things I know about the law is this: not knowing the law doesn’t exempt you from getting punished by breaking it. Same principle applies to NFL penalties, and as much as I wish to side with New England because Jerome Boger was involved (of course he was), I can’t pull myself to support a team getting a call against the rules. Stop snitching, Pats fans.

    TJ: Maybe they’re starting to pay some of that Tuck Rule karma. And yes, I’m as surprised as you are for reading Fez agree with Jerome Boger on something. This looks like a perfect chance to tell you that for the first time in my life, I forgot to set my fantasy football line-ups. **Crowd boos wildly**. I know, I know!! We all hate that loser that after starting 0-6 or 1-5 just quits and disappears from the league, but I’m not one of them!! I honestly forgot!! I’ve been working lots of hours lately, and I didn’t have the time to just go check them. I had never forgotten to set my line-ups, no matter what, for more than 15 years, so this streak that just ended is up there with Cal Ripken or Brett Favre’s. I apologize, and it won’t happen again. Unless I still have no time, then we can safely say I have finally quit fantasy football for good. Moving on…

    8.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 7)
    2013 Record: 5-2 (2nd in NFC West)
    Week 7: W at Tennessee, 31-17
    Week 8: at Jaguars (in London)

    TJ: A West Coast team having to travel to London for a regular season game? What’s next? A North American soccer team having to travel to New Zealand for a World Cup play-off series? Oh, wait a minute…please, let’s not go there…it’s embarrassing. So yeah, maybe Colin Kaepernick is finally back, like he was last season, you know, running, passing, kaepernicking, Fez having wild fantasies…just remember: they’re still in second place. Let’s hope they fall victim of a massive 8-hour jet lag and come out flat against the Jaguars…which won’t matter because, well…it’s the freakin’ Jaguars!!


    Source: @49ers Twitter account

    Look, everyone sees the giant elephant in the room: Colin Kaepernick doesn’t trust his receivers not named “Vernonâ€￾ and “Anquanâ€￾, so why be cute and throw passes to the fullback, or Kyle Williams or the other receivers who are about to be out of a job when Mario Manningham and Michael Crabtree are activated? Why not pound the other teams with a heavy dose of Frank Gore and Kendall Hunter, plus some CK7 vintage runs? I’m glad the coaches finally took the bubble wrap off Kap. He’s at his best when he has green light to run if he doesn’t see open receivers, and we all know how deadly he is. Now excuse me, I’ll go grab a couple kleenex to watch his game highlights.

    9.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 11)
    2013 Record: 5-2 (1st in AFC North)
    Week 7: W at Detroit, 27-24
    Week 8: vs New York Jets

    Fez: What a good week for the Bengals. Not only did they win, but The Red Rifle put up a “heck you for benching me, Fezâ€￾ performance (I regretted it as soon as I tuned in and found out the Eagles game was 3-0 at halftime) and the two biggest threats to take the division away from them lost this week. Serious question, in what place would you rank A.J. Green in the “best WR in football right nowâ€￾ list? #2 after Megatron? Now watch TJ say Dez Bryant is better.

    TJ: Of course Dez Bryant is better!! He’s a motherfreaking beast!! Ever since Jerry grounded him for life, he has improved a lot, so maybe he can do some things right!! Anyway, the Bengals are another team on the verge of winning their division pretty much by default. And this time they won’t play the Texans in the Wild Card round, so all bets are off!! What if they end up getting the Chiefs at home in the wild card? Those are two teams that haven’t won a playoff game in years. Will they just go to two or three overtimes, confusing the hell out of Donovan McNabb? I’m now rooting for this to happen!!

    10.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 14)
    2013 Record: 4-3 (1st in NFC East)
    Week 7: W at Philadelphia, 17-3
    Week 8: at Detroit

    TJ: Well, well, well…look who just made it to the top 10. Look, I’m as surprised as you are. I never expected this defense to play like this, especially without DeMarcus Ware. But maybe this has more to do with Nick Foles not being that good than anything. And then, once Matt Barkley went in, all hell broke loose. I’m sorry, but we won’t be playing against Foles and Barkley every week (except for the December 29th rematch…I’m pretty sure Vick will be injured again by then), instead, we get Stafford and Megatron next week, and, well, it won’t be pretty. But hey!! We’ll still be in 1st place no matter what :)

    Fez: ... shut up. I refuse to believe you just shattered the rest of Nickfoleon Dynamite’s career. Readers just saw TJ saying the Bengals will win their division by default. Well then, the Cowboys made the top 10 by default. Who else was going to be here? Be my guest, please. Scroll down, sure I’ll wait. Waiting... waiting... ok, you’re back, uh? This doesn’t mean the Cowboys won’t stop their quest to end 8-8 and win their division, just to get annihilated by the visiting PEDhawks. Who’s up for a rematch of the muffed hold game?

    11.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 10)
    2013 Record: 4-3 (2nd in NFC North)
    Week 7: L vs Cincinnati, 27-24
    Week 8: vs Dallas

    TJ: They need to take advantage of Jay Cutler In His Contract Year’s injury to keep themselves in the NFC North race. And what better opportunity than playing the Cowboys and their questionable pass defense. I can’t wait to see what Donkey Kong Suh does to Ramiro Romo, and don’t get me wrong: I’m not hoping for an injury or anything, but maybe a small cheap shot, you know, one that keeps Ramiro out of the game just long enough to see Kyle Orton make us miss him. No matter what happens, I’m prepared for the worst possible outcome, so, welcome to the top 10 in week 8, Lions!!

    Fez: Let me get this straight. In one single paragraph you just went from “I don’t mean to wish injury to Ramiroâ€￾, to admitting you’d love to see Kyle Orton step up, just to make the Boys fanbase miss the incumbente starter. Wheww, you’re all over the place! But you know what? I’m in on that. Why stop there? Kyle Orton makes you miss Ramiro, then the latter comes back, lights it up, forcing you to let your guard down again, only to break your heart at the end of that game or the next one, followed by the mother of all rants. The PRs miss your rants, TJ. Let Ramiro Romo touch your heart.

    12.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 8)
    2013 Record: 4-3 (3rd in NFC North)
    Week 7: L at Washington, 41-45
    Week 8: BYE

    TJ: Well, it had to happen, didn’t it? Jay Cutler In His Contract Year got injured again, will be out for the next 4 weeks, and it will probably cost him a couple of million dollars guaranteed in his next deal. Every year we see the Bears start strong, just to fall short in the end because Cutler got injured. And this time, they had even improved greatly the OL. It was so bad that Brandon Marshall called for Brandon Merriweather to be banned for the league…for good, which seems too harsh. Thank God he’s not the commissioner, and we have a fair man who has the safety of the players as his number 1 priority, so he’ll only fine Meriweather a few thousand bucks and that will be it. God bless you, Roger Goodell.

    Fez: You forgot to mention Goodell will follow through by slapping another player with a bigger fine just for wearing a different color of socks. Because, you know, wearing the wrong socks is the #1 cause for concussions. Quite frankly, I’m wondering who imposes these fines. I’ve heard former 49er funky chicken dance master Merton Hanks is the disciplinarian. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tim Gunn is his wardrobe disciplinarian assistant. Side note: don’t ask me how I know who Tim Gunn is.

    13.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 16)
    2013 Record: 4-3 (3rd in AFC West)
    Week 7: W at Jacksonville, 24-6
    Week 8: BYE

    Fez: They did what they had to do, and they are staying in the hunt for the second wildcard spot. I don’t think they’re catching the Broncos, and they only wish they had Kansas City’s abysmal schedule to keep racking up wins. Also, further proof that the Jaguars blow: Ryan Mathews had a 100-yard game on them. Yikes. Anyway, with Halloween nearing, the most original costumes are already popping up on social media. I don’t know the source, but this guy deserves a freaking medal:


    TJ: Philip Rivers was out of his mind!! In the bottom bar, while watching the Cowboys game, I kept noticing the stats: Rivers 6/6…Rivers 8/8…Rivers 12/12…he didn’t miss a pass until the end of the 2nd quarter when the Chargers got to the 1-yard line, and the Jags kept giving them second chances by committing dumb penalties. He finished 22/26, which is impressive by itself, let alone for a guy like Rivers. I think he got so excited that… yup!! Kid number 8 is on its way. Mazel Tov!!

    14.- New York Jets (Last Week: 27)
    2013 Record: 4-3 (2nd in AFC East)
    Week 7: W vs New England, 27-30 (OT)
    Week 8: at Cincinnati

    Fez: Whoa whoa whoa! Did you see that jump? The Jets single handily leapfrogged almost half the league with that one win over the Pats. I have to admit I’ve been underestimating Geno Smith; there’s something really frisky about him, even though his body language is horrendous and his numbers are nothing to brag about. Two of those 4 wins were because of the schedule (Bucs and Bills) but even though the Falcons are frauds this season, beating them at their place on a MNF was huge, and now this. We might not have seen the last of Rex Ryan yet, and maybe that’s in our best interest. We miss that foot lover’s ridiculous cockiness.

    TJ: Who’s laughing now? They’re now 1 game behind the Pats in the East thanks to their win and the Dolphins’ brain fart against the Bills. Very impressive. Still, if back in august you had told me that one New York Team would be 0-6 and the other 4-3, I would have thought it was the other way around. I agree with Fez, and think Rex Ryan will stick around. What he has done with this team is amazing.

    15.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 13)
    2013 Record: 3-3 (3rd in AFC East)
    Week 7: L vs Buffalo, 23-21
    Week 8: at New England

    Fez: Actual quote from a Dolphins fan in a WhatsApp group conversation TJ and I are part of: “stupid Dolphins, yet another year putting up with this crap, it’s been 29 years watching this bullcrap nowâ€￾. Feel the excitement!!! And just when you think Ryan Tannehill is the answer to the team’s troubles at QB, he regresses and struggles against a subpar team. It’s taking everyone long enough to figure out whether he can be a quality starter in this league, but hey, Miami’s been on search mode since Marino retired, so what’s the rush, right? On a light note, at least this week they won’t have to hear Mike Wallace whine about Tannehill throwing his way, who cares about the pesky W-L team record.

    TJ: Well, us Mexicans are known for overreacting a lot (hi, Mexican Soccer team!!) and having no memory whatsoever (you know…voting for PRI again), so I’d take that quote with a grain of salt. Every QB has a bad game here and there, don’t overreact, Dolphins fans…now, if Tannehill pull that crap again against the Patriots next week, then all bets are off.

    16.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 12)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (2nd in AFC North)
    Week 7: L at Pittsburgh, 16-19
    Week 8: BYE

    Fez: What gives, Baltimore? No matter how good or bad your season is going, you’re not allowed to lose to the Steelers, regardless of where the game is played. Seems like those upgrades they got were not really upgrades. Oh well, there’s still time to turn things around, but Flacco’s gotta find his groove. Speaking of upgrades, fun stat: Ever since LT Eugene Monroe was effectively lined up as an upgrade over Bryant McKinnie, the Ravens are 0-2. I don’t know what that means, but it means something, right? RIGHT?

    TJ: I don’t know what it means, but now the Ravers are reportedly trading McKinnie to the Dolphins for an undisclosed draft pick. So yeah, the Ravens made their bed and now they get to sleep on it. I still can’t figure out what happened to Joe Flacco’s eliteness, but if he keeps doing this, I have a new nickname for him: thief.

    17.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 23)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (4th in AFC East)
    Week 7: W at Miami, 23-21
    Week 8: at New Orleans

    Fez: Even though Buffalo still holds that last place in their division, I have to give them credit for three things. #1: They’re making me pull a Chris Berman by somehow liking both the Niners and the Bills. #2: They keep putting butts in the seats even though they haven’t gone to the playoffs in over a decade. #3: it gets freaking cold in the winter and they keep pulling that “home game in Torontoâ€￾ crap and somehow the fans keep showing up every year. Also, they’ve lost 4 by a combined 25-pt differential, which is less than the ridiculous spread for the Jaguars-Broncos game from week 6. They have kept it close, but they keep breaking their fans’ hearts. Not to mention fantasy owners who still keep starting C.J. Spiller. Bad luck all around.

    TJ: Matt Flynn is back!! What? Don’t believe me? Did you see how he held that clipboard? I mean…I don’t care if you only had 4 days, but if you can’t beat a practice squad QB in practice, what the hell are you doing in the NFL? Even Aaron Rodgers finally tied his ridiculous yardage record in Green Bay, so not a very good week for Mr. Flynn. By the way, a few years ago, we had “The Curse of Fez and TJâ€￾, which consisted in that any team that was placed 1st in our power rankings would lose the following week. It already happened with the Broncos. Will the Bills pull it off in the Big Easy? I say yes!! TJ’s upset of the week: Bills 30-28 Saints. And if I’m wrong, you get a full refund on this column. That’s right!!

    18.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 17)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (2nd in AFC South)
    Week 7: L vs San Francisco, 31-17
    Week 8: BYE

    Fez: Prior to the Niners-Titans game, I stated that I continued to believe Alex Smith has indeed a pact with the devil. A week before he faces the Titans, Jake Locker goes down and so does Tennessee’s offensive firepower. When San Francisco comes to town, Locker is healthy enough to play, giving them a bigger shot at winning this game. Yeah, the idea of him coming back made me nervous… until I saw he was rusty and the Niners are clicking on almost all cylinders. Fantasy complaint of the week: Now that Chris Johnson scored on a long catch and run, watch him disappear for the next three games.

    TJ: Man, I don’t even know if I lined up Johnson in my fantasy team. I’m afraid to go check them out. It’s good to see Locker back, and yeah, he looked kind of rusty out there. At least they get their bye week now, so maybe he’ll be in synch in no time. By the way, I was watching the game on Sunday, a noticed a graphic that pretty much says that Mike Munchak has been working for the Oilers/Titans organization for 31 years!! First as a player, then as an assistant, and now as Head Coach. If it was a Mexican organization he’d be able to collect a full pension from them…but then again, if it was a Mexican organization, he would’ve been fired a few years ago, so it doesn’t get to that. I love my country…

    Fez: Late addition: tough week for the old Oilers franchise. First Bum Phillips passed away, now Bud Adams followed. May they all four rest in peace. Phillips, Adams, and both of Adams’ middle fingers.

    19.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 22)
    2013 Record: 3-3 (2nd in NFC South)
    Week 7: W vs St. Louis, 15-30
    Week 8: at Tampa Bay (TNF)

    TJ: After losing close game after close game, Ron Rivera has vowed to have a “more aggresiveâ€￾ approach to football. You know, going for it in 4th down (which makes sense when you have the trillion dollar backfield), refusing to punt, and stuff like that. Besides, the defense has been amazing, and Scam Newton can’t be that bad, he just needs to be more consistent. They should really take advantage of that weak division, because besides the Saints, there’s nobody there.

    Fez: You forgot to point out that the “more aggresiveâ€￾ approach included getting into scuffles with opponents, causing ejections and nearly punching people’s faces like Steve Smith wanted to do to Janoris Jenkins (although he channelled that anger into a nice TD). Do I like the more aggresive approach? Yes. Do I like watching them act like class-A buttholes? No way. Watch out for karma, Carolina.

    20.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 20)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (4th in NFC West)
    Week 7: L vs Seattle, 34-22 (TNF)
    Week 8: vs Atlanta

    TJ: In a new feature I’d like to call “Gridiron Fans Post of the Weekâ€￾ (which will probably only last about a week, but bear with me, please), I’d like to talk about this thread: Trade Larry Fitzgerald by GIF’s resident Cardinals fan @markaz. The first thing that stroke me about this post was “whoa!! There are Cardinals fans?!â€￾, and once I got over that, it really made sense. It’s hard to see superstars stuck in bad teams, and literally rot in them. Earlier this year, I made a joke about the Patriots trading for Fitz…can you imagine that? It would make it hard at least for me to hate the Patriots. Anyway, people of the Cardinals organization: please listen to markaz…please, we’re begging you…FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!!!

    Fez: Yeah, FREE LARRY FITZGERALD!!! The Niners could use him, you know. Anyway, what do you get when you have an embattled aging QB, a porous OL and a schedule that demands you a 4-day preparation to face one of the league’s contenders? Yup, the “RUN CARSON, RUN!!!â€￾ campaign is back on all cylinders!!! Personally, I think the league scheduled this scenario on purpose in the case the Cardinals began giving him better protection (which was somewhat what happened the past few weeks). Two picks, SEVEN sacks. No further explanation needed. RUN CARSON, RUN!!!

    21.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 21)
    2013 Record: 2-4 (3rd in NFC South)
    Week 7: W vs Tampa Bay, 23-31
    Week 8: at Arizona

    TJ: Poor Falcons…Julio Jones, Roddy White, Stephen Jackson…all of them out because of injury. Add that to their choker QB and no wonder why things got ugly fast. My boy Tony G went on record saying he wouldn’t seek a trade to a contender, or maybe going back to KC and won’t jump ship, but come on, Tony…you don’t owe anything to these guys!! You should go get your ring, boy!! Screw these guys!! By the way, with all those injuries in the skill positions, it’s no surprising that a random guy got big numbers and now everybody is looking for him in their waiver wire like crazy. Harry Douglas, come on down!! Whoever you are…

    Fez: Did you even consider this in your preseason “worst case scenarioâ€￾ for them? If you did, you’re a freaking genius, man. On the other hand, is it really a success when you barely hold off the team with the most negative karma out there? Could you really say Ramiro Ice did a good job when he basically turned into The Mediocre Game Manager Part II by throwing nearly half his completions to Jacquizz Rodgers? This season went downhill really fast for the Falcons.

    22.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 15)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (2nd in NFC East)
    Week 7: L vs Dallas, 17-3
    Week 8: vs New York Giants

    TJ: What the hell?!?! I thought this offense was going to revolutionize the NFL!! It was going to be unstoppable!! It was going to be so revolutionary, football was going to get a new name!! And they couldn’t even score a TD against the Cowboys defense? The same defense that was just torched a couple of weeks ago by Peyton Manning? The same defense that was without its premiere pass rusher, and still managed to make both Foles and Barkley run scared for their lives? That’s the reason for the big drop off. Then again, I love it when we make the Eagles look bad. It makes me jiggle like a high school girl and all that…hehehehehehe…

    Fez: And meanwhile...


    I don’t even have a joke. Look how happy he is! Is it ok to use the old cliché that Fat Andy got dumped by his long-time wife, only to win the jackpot in the lotto and marry a smoking hot model, while his old significant other got married to a guy making a living out of Ponzi schemes and is wanted by the Oregon state police for fraud? Oh well, if only Andy Reid stopped driving a Pinto. You could use an upgrade, my man.

    23.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 19)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (3rd in AFC North)
    Week 7: L at Green Bay, 13-31
    Week 8: at Kansas City

    Fez: Poor Brownies. They haven’t got over the devastating loss of new hero Brian Hoyer. At least they have solace in the fact they fleeced the Colts, as Trent Richardson’s struggling mightily in Indianapolis and losing his job to Donald Freaking Brown. I mean, really, Richardson? The guy’s name is Donald!! I don’t know whether Cleveland is tanking or truly competing. I mean, would a team that keeps starting Brandon Weeden really be considered as being in contention? What if they bench him and start… uh… Jason Campbell? My head’s spinning.

    TJ: Maybe Mike Lombardi and the Browns were up to something, like I suspected from the beginning. One does not simply trade away a 1st round pick after a year!! The problem, as always, is the QB position, and now Coach Chuzdiziaainzikzizaiakzzzkizizkzizki or whatever won’t even commit to Weeden as his starter. Jason Campbell is still in the league? Man, how do these guys keep getting jobs?

    24.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 26)
    2013 Record: 2-4 (4th in AFC North)
    Week 7: W vs Baltimore, 16-19
    Week 8: at Oakland

    Fez: The Steelers season might be over for all we care, but beating the Ravens gave me some flashbacks to the dreaded SF 49ers 2004 season. You know, the one when they ended 2-14 and triggered the nightmarish Alex Smith era. How come? Well, the Niners blew chunks of all kind; they stunk up the joint so bad it made skunks smell like Chanel in comparison; they fielded the killer triplets Tim Rattay-Kevan Barlow-Brandon Lloyd. It was perhaps the worst niner season ever… and they still swept the Cardinals. 0-14 against the rest of the league, but us Faithful took solace in beating the same old Cards. Sweep the Ravens and you’ll know the feeling, Steeler fans!

    TJ: Come on…I don’t think the Steelers will go 2-14. Coach Epps…I mean, Tomlin has them playing hard!! He even end zone summersaults. He also banned pool tables and ping pong in the locker room. I’m baffled by the fact guys had those things in the locker room…watch out, guys!! Coach will take away your X-Box!!

    25.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 28)
    2013 Record: 2-4 (3rd in NFC East)
    Week 7: W vs Chicago, 41-45
    Week 8: at Denver

    TJ: The offense seems to be clicking finally, but that defense is really, really, really, REALLY awful. And now they travel to…(drum roll, please)…DENVER!! Yes!! They face the Broncos who must be really pissed about that loss at Indy, and will tear that defense apart like there’s no tomorrow!! I’m not kidding, people!! Peyton could finish this game with 500 yards and 8 TDs!! And I will love every single second of it!! Can’t wait for Sunday!! :D

    Fez: So will your brother. He’s a Broncos fan IIRC. Well then, this could turn into one of those college football bloodbaths we read about on Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback Column (which come right after we skip the politics and Science talk that hardly anyone reads). Peyton could indeed finish with a 500/8 game, but Captain I-Came-Back-Too-Soon may not come up that far behind. I can see Easterbrook’s line now: “Washington A&M racked up 600 offensive yards, 30 first downs, and lost to Broncos Universityâ€￾.

    26.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 25)
    2013 Record: 2-4 (4th in AFC West)
    Week 7: BYE
    Week 8: vs Pittsburgh

    Fez: If you were wondering where has JaWalrus Russell gone… here’s your answer. After trying to lose weight and failing to land a job with a team, he found his true destiny in fighting oppression on foreign countries. Here, we can see the former first overall pick challenging the Rio de Janeiro (BRA) police force, and defending a teachers protest:

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL-PN4gAGDM]Homem Aranha enfrenta polÃcia nas ruas do Rio de Janeiro. - YouTube[/ame]

    How the mighty have fallen.

    TJ: Mighty? How was he mighty? Because he signed a 70-million dollar contract he didn’t deserve? Anyway, the Raiders quest to make the playoffs (according to Terrelle Pryor, anyway) continues against the Steelers next week. Too bad we’re not in the 70’s anymore…man, those teams hated each other back then. In the present these two teams are so bad, I think CBS will show lots of tape of those 70’s game just to keep the audience awake. And I would love to watch it.

    27.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 24)
    2013 Record: 2-5 (3rd in AFC South)
    Week 7: L at Kansas City, 16-17
    Week 8: BYE

    Fez: Case Keenum!! I don’t care if he lost the game, I don’t care if he’s not going to be kept around because the new guy taking over HC duties next offseason (and it’s a guarantee, Vegas won’t even take bets for that one) will pick his own QB, Case Keenum is a Houston hero. Snapping the pick-six streak? That is up there with Hakeem Olajuwon winning back-to-back NBA rings with the Rockets, and for the love of god, I will NOT argue about this. The season is already over for the Texans, but Keenum could make a case to become the next Matt Flynn by playing out of his mind and landing a huge contract from a dumb front office. My hope? Tampa Bay, because they were dumb enough to pay some dough for a penalty-machine Safety who happens to be a liability in pass coverage, and to hire a college coach with a slightly-over-.500 career record.

    TJ: Uncle Wade went on record during the week comparing Keenum’s first start with Ramiro Romo’s first start back in 2006. The similarities were scary: undrafted guy, spent 3+ years on the bench trying to learn, a ridiculous name, replaced a washed up has been (Bledsoe, Schaub)…and then the opportunity presents itself. So yeah, if the Texans rally and come back to the playoffs with this guy, only to lose on a ridiculous mistake by him, then Romo would be the best comparison. Can’t wait!!

    28.- New York Giants (Last Week: 31)
    2013 Record: 1-6 (4th in NFC East)
    Week 7: W vs Minnesota, 7-23 (MNF)
    Week 8: at Philadelphia

    TJ: Ugh…Elisha Manning with facial hair. It’s like when you visit your family in Christmas (or the holidays, or whatever the hell you celebrate…geez, get off my back!!), and that ugly aunt of yours wants to kiss you. Please, networks…no more close-ups to Elisha until she shaves!! Cool? Cool. Anyway, I caught the last quarter of this game, and continuing with guys I didn’t even know they were still alive…PEYTON HILLIS!! My God!! Remember back when the Madden Cover was between that guy and Mike Vick? What the hell was happening back then? And yeah, Hillis remains the ultimate victim of the Madden Curse. I keep cringing for a headline like “Barry Sanders stuck by lightningâ€￾ or something…creepy, let’s just move on…

    Fez: No, no, please keep it coming networks. The baby brother Manning face is even funnier with that moustache, come on!!! Take a look at this one, after Jared Allen’s one-handed sack:


    Now, while I was researching for this exact pic, I came accross an unexpected Manning face from the black-sheep brother, Cooper. Please admire it and wonder yourself what kind of sorcery was working when Archie and his wife Olivia were breeding these exquisite specimens:


    Long after we’re gone from Earth, people will work extensively to find the DNA of Cooper and Olivia Manning, just to replicate what we’re witnessing here.

    29.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 18)
    2013 Record: 3-4 (3rd in NFC West)
    Week 7: L at Carolina, 15-30
    Week 8: vs Seattle (MNF)

    TJ: Usually, when a team loses its starting QB for the season with a bad injury, it tailspins out of control and struggles the rest of the way. The examples are endless: the ’11 Colts, the ’08 Patriots (who weren’t really that bad, but carried too much bad karma...they went 11-5 and missed the playoffs), every Bears team since Cutler arrived, that Cowboys team when Romo went down and our backup QB was Brad “I can’t throw it further than 6 yards anymoreâ€￾ Freakin’ Johnson…, that other Cowboys team when Aikman went down for good and we ended up starting Ryan Leaf (RYAN LEAF!!!)…I could go on and on. Now, I’m not saying this is the best thing that could’ve happen to the Rams, because that would be tasteless, but really, how bad can it be? I’m pretty sure the Rams have put in motion a contingency plan, and will try out some QBs during the week like…TIM TEBOW?!?! Oh goodness gracious what have we done?!?!?!

    Fez: I feel like I’m being a bit unfair to the Rams by putting them way down this list, but I already considered the Checo Bradford season ending injury, so it evens out. Complaint #2 about awful announcing this week: in a gamebreak update from the boring-as-hell Fox Sports Latin America, play-by-play guy Fernando von Rossum (a.k.a. Fernando von Corpssum, because he’s so old he followed Vince Lombardi since the legendary coach was in high school) mentioned something along the lines of “Chris Long just got ejected. RED CARDED!!!!â€￾. Of course he meant it as a joke, but my reaction to it was grabbing the yellow pages to take him to the nearest veterinarian to put him to sleep. Enough with the nonsense, Fox Sports. One last note on the Rams: stay away from The Tebow, you jerks. I don’t wanna live in a world where The Tebow doesn’t make a triumphal comeback in that ugly bi-color London Jaguars helmet.

    30.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 29)
    2013 Record: 1-5 (4th in in NFC North)
    Week 7: L at New York Giants, 7-23 (MNF)
    Week 8: vs Green Bay (SNF)

    TJ: So let me get this straight, Vikings. You start a QB you signed a couple of weeks ago, who comes from bacteria hell and whose confidence was shot by an butthole coach. Then you proceed to give the best running back in football only 13 carries? I give up. Leslie Frazier will be fired by the end of the week. Why is this guy even thinking?

    Fez: Some coaches aren’t even capable of successfully planning a bathroom break, so this doesn’t surprise me anymore. I think it’s hilarious Minnesota fans were probably thinking they had a potential answer to their QB issues, even though Matt Cassel filled in nicely for them (yeah, he’s Matt Cassel, but still!). In comes Josh Freeman, all rusty and gives us a glorious stat line, one for the ages. 37 pct of completions, 190 passing yards on 53 attempts. That’s barely 3.5 yards per attempt, people. Even The Mediocre Game Manager scoffs at those numbers. TJ has pointed out that players like Larry Fitzgerald and Tony Gonzalez should be traded to contenders… what about Adrian Peterson?

    31.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 30)
    2013 Record: 0-6 (4th in NFC South)
    Week 7: L at Atlanta, 23-31
    Week 8: vs Carolina (TNF)

    TJ: Down goes Doug Martin, and with him, any hope this Bucs team had of trying to make a furious (or even serious…or even an attempt at a) comeback. And my fantasy team will suffer too, you know, if I still gave a crap about fantasy football. But wait, it gets better!! Maybe Mike Glennon is a rookie, and he hasn’t been THAT bad…so it doesn’t hurt to work out a veteran every now and then, right? Well, the Bucs will work out the immortal John Skelton. I don’t even have a joke here. I give up. The floor is all yours, Fezzy.

    Fez: These are the things that happen to you when your college coach acts like an butthole. Just negative karma all around. Too bad about Martin, but I find solace in that I’ll mercifully put him on the IR list in my dynasty league, so I can focus on riding Knowshon Moreno and a bunch of tight ends instead of debating whether Martin will finally have a good game or not every week. Now, John Skelton? There is a reason why I briefly joined Grantland.com’s Bad Quarterback League last season and named my team “Skeltons in the Kolbsetâ€￾. Poor guy, from hell (Arizona) to heaven (San Francisco) back to hell working out for a dead man walking. Anything to get paid a juicy veteran minimum, I suppose. Pack your Lysol, Johnny. You’ll need it.

    32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
    2013 Record: 0-7 (4th in AFC South)
    Week 7: L vs San Diego, 24-6
    Week 8: vs San Francisco (in London)

    Fez: It is pointless to keep bagging on Chaine Hennbert, so instead I’ll pose a question: how is this picture not one of the saddest the Jaguars franchise has been part of?


    I don’t know how the franchise can claim that they didn’t have to purchase any non-sold tickets last season, because this picture is a mirror of what the seats at EverBank looked like all year long. What is the point on keeping this up? Educated NFL fans believe the Jaguars are better off staying in J-Ville as a tool to keep expanding the league’s presence in London. Fans from more successful teams would rightfully snitch and whine if their team had to spend a home game overseas every year. The Jaguars? They don’t care because, as you can see above, they have no fans.

    TJ: Do you remember that Simpsons episode where Homer lands a job with the Notorious Hank Scorpio, who turns out to be a super villain, and in the end, he puts Homer one step closer to his dream of owning the Dallas Cowboys? (And I think Homer Simpson would be a waaaaay better GM for my Cowboys, but I digress). Only instead of the Cowboys he buys him the Denver Broncos back when they sucked? And the whole team was in his front yard “practicingâ€￾?

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fbj61a8M1w]Simpsons - Denver Broncos - YouTube[/ame]

    Well, that’s how I picture the Jacksonville Jaguars. I only watched like 5 minutes of their game thanks to my dad, the Chargers fan, but that’s all I needed. At one point, the Chargers had like 5 plays from the 1-yard line because the Jags kept making dumb penalties. Man, it’s depressing. Oh, yeah!! Time for our bible verse…please stand up and welcome Reverend Fez.

    For although they knew The Tebow,
    they did not honor him as The Savior or give a contract to him,
    but they became futile in their thinking,
    and their ridiculous tarps were enlarged.
    Claiming to be wise, they became fools,
    and exchanged the glory of the immortal Tebow for
    Chaine Hennbert, resembling a piss-poor quarterback with fumbles
    and picks and disheartening scoreboards.

    Romans 1:21-23 (Perhaps the number of seasons they need to turn things around)

    Virgin Timmy Full of Grace, pray for them!

    TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
    Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. He spends his football season weekends in peace, knowing that the police found Colin Kaepernick’s balls and reattached them back to his cover-man body.
    Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.
  2. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    Good stuff again, guys. As a courtesy I am including the Jaguars Fight Song that could be played in the background as member s read your fine article.[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBmkor9WF0U]#64 Sound of Crickets Chirping - YouTube[/ame]
  3. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

  4. mj1987us26

    mj1987us26 Super

    Fez, man, Tannehill is the only reason why the Dolphins have been competitive in every game except the Saints. Peyton just had a very bad game in Indy, one game isn't a good barometer.

    ICECOLD 1st Stringer

    LOL this is hilarious guys. I always look forward to Tuesday mornings because of your thread!
  6. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    I know, but you simply don't lose to the Bills. Besides didn't he have a critical fumble late in the game? The way your running game plays, Tannehill needs to be a superstar to keep the team afloat and compete in the division.
  7. Buck Fenson

    Buck Fenson formerly Jake from State Farm

    Love it guys. Strange seeing my team as the number one team but I will take it.
  8. CaptainStubing

    CaptainStubing Gave her a Dirty Sanchez

    Very entertaining as usual !!! Good work !!! The order of your rankings Is strange but that just makes it even more enteryaining!
  9. Walnuts

    Walnuts All-Pro

    TJ, you should never give a sleepy friend crappy Mexican cocaine.
  10. mj1987us26

    mj1987us26 Super

    You further prove my point, teams know the Dolphins have a struggling running game and pin their ears back to rush the passer, and yet he still is performing well, and his fumble was Clabo giving him less than 1.5 seconds to pbutt.