Fez & TJ's NFL Power Rankings. Week 10 Edition

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by TJ, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. TJ

    TJ Dez Caught It


    Fez invokes a blackout-extension sort of rule. TJ enjoys fantasy football again…at least for a week. It’s Fez and TJ’s NFL Power Rankings, Week 10 Edition!

    TJ: Hello, and welcome to the Week 10 edition of Fez & TJ’s NFL Power Rankings presented by Gridironfans.com. Another great week of football has gone by, and it’s our work to analyze, and present to you our clever observations about the league. It would all be worth a crap if somebody, ANYBODY read us, but still…This week I’ll write half-assed entries and if Fez punishes me by posting his collection of Kaepernick nudes, so be it. Anyway, I know you’re wondering if Fez will keep his word after what happened to his beloved 49ers, and I do too, so we’ll have to continue reading, right? Anyway, Fez…come out of that closet, I mean, cage, and say hi, will ya?

    Fez: If you happened to read last week’s entry (and I’m not sure, since we had virtually no feedback save for one guy lol), I HAD to rank the 49ers out of the top 10, and with good reason. 9 points against Carolina, at home? Really, Kap? And these struggles come with the Saints looming next weekend? May god have mercy on our souls… and my wallet. By the way, this week’s delay falls on me. I have no excuse… I coped out and called an extension, like those crappy franchises do to avoid a blackout when they’re struggling to sell out their games. Fortunately, we don’t plan on blacking out this season… for now. Here are your Power Rankings, peeps!

    1.- Seattle Seahawks (Last Week: 4)
    2013 Record: 9-1 (1st in NFC West)
    Week 10: W at Atlanta, 33-10
    Week 11: vs Minnesota

    Fez: Might as well start crowning them as the NFC West champions and probably #1 seed. Just know that since 2000, as many #1 seeds as #6’s have won the SB. Just throwing that one there. The confusing issue about the PED lovers is that they will look this dominant one week, and then lay an egg against inferior opponents (remember they had to come back from 21 vs Tampa, and survived a goal-line stand vs St. Louis). I guess they’re either getting the crappy stuff or an insufficient dose. Oh well.

    TJ: You’re just hating like you always do. You’re a bitter hater. It’s too bad the Cowboys suck now, or we’d be witnessing an epic meltdown (you know, since I decided to stop melting down last year). But I’m not sure they’ll just cruise for the #1 seed. The Saints will give them a serious run, with that Dec. 2nd showdown as the ultimate test for this team. Anyway, trap game alert!! They face the crappy Vikings next week, and this team seems to struggle against crappy teams.

    2.- New Orleans Saints (Last Week: 6)
    2013 Record: 7-2 (1st in NFC South)
    Week 10: W vs Dallas, 17-49 (SNF)
    Week 11: vs San Francisco

    Fez: In the light of the recent events regarding both the 49ers and the Saints, I announce that I’ve already taken off my next paycheck (coming this week) the money I’m going to lose next Sunday. Good thing (or bad) that I will not be watching, as the Bureau I work for will require me to spend the whole Sunday morning in a hopeful political party assembly. Don’t ask, it’s as disgusting as it sounds. And afterwards I’ll be having lunch with co-workers so… yeah… might as well start asking for the account number from that Saints fan girl. Hope you enjoy my money, honey!

    TJ: Yeah, I’ve been there…I mean, losing badly to the Saints, not losing money to her. She wanted me to bet, but I know better, not like that guy from our Brain Trust who made the bet with her. Stupid Saints and their head coach. On a night in which they were breaking lots of records, I want to thank the Saints for not passing for over 400 yards, which would’ve made the Cowboys break another record…a bad defensive record. He stayed at 392, but still. Although that first downs record deserves an asterisk, since they did it against a defense with a collective IQ of -45.

    3.- Denver Broncos (Last Week: 3)
    2013 Record: 8-1 (2nd in AFC West)
    Week 10: W at San Diego, 28-20
    Week 11: vs Kansas City (SNF)

    TJ: An easy win against San Diego and now they get to play the expected AFC West matchup against the Chiefs in which we’ll see once and for all if they’re for real. I almost want to root for the Chiefs just to see Fez’s brain finally explode while trying to come up with a way to disrespect Alex Smith once again. In fact…you know what? Let’s go for it: Broncos 14-17 Chiefs. Peyton Manning will struggle against the top defense of the league.

    Fez: Hah, you’re betting against Peyton Manning on a primetime game? At home? Good luck with that! There should be some concerns about Manning’s ankle injury, but let’s not forget he rarely if ever takes off running anyway, so there. Gonna be interesting how he reacts to the Chiefs’ fierce pass rush. Just know that if Kansas City win, I might as well stop pretending I know crap about football and become Mister Bizarro Cleo... wait, don’t take my word on it!!!

    4.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last Week: 1)
    2013 Record: 9-0 (1st in AFC West)
    Week 10: BYE
    Week 11: at Denver (SNF)

    TJ: Can you picture Alex Smith, sitting in his living room, drinking scotch, watching the 49ers game, and thinking to himself “they sent me to hell for THIS?†I sure can. If you take week 1 out of the equation, there’s really no difference between him and Kaepernick at this point. Fez will go ahead and blame the play-calling, the coaches, the offensive line, the receivers, or whatever, but the fact remains…Kaepernick has been very Alex Smith-like these past few weeks, and if that causes Fez to post yet another naked Kaepernick pic to try to distract our bi-curious readers, so be it!!

    Fez: What is it now, 3 weeks in a row you mock me for posting those pics? It’s almost as if you’re begging me to show them here. Is there anything you want to share with us, TJ? Come out, I mean... come on, there’s nothing wrong with telling the truth. Anyway, some Chiefs players are already getting their feet wet in their visit to The Mile Really High, as WR Dwayne Bowe was arrested with speeding and marijuana possession. Normally, a distraction to a team’s #1 receiver would mean a huge blow to that team’s chances, but then I remembered this #1 receiver doesn’t even get the ball thrown his way unless he’s five yards away from The Mediocre Game Manager. No big loss.

    5.- New England Patriots (Last Week: 5)
    2013 Record: 7-2 (1st in AFC East)
    Week 10: BYE
    Week 11: at Carolina (MNF)

    TJ: Remember when we were wondering if they would be able to hold off the Bills or Dolphins for the division? Yeah, those were the days. Now thanks to the Colts crapping the bed against the Rams, they find themselves in the #2 seed in the AFC. I don’t know how the hell they do it, with all the injuries and absences in both sides of the ball, they just keep winning!! Makes you wonder if Bill Belichick’s deal with the devil will ever expire, right?

    Fez: We’ll see. If ten years from now, we still see Tom Brady modeling the brand-new Uggs Crocs and still starting for the Patriots, I might believe that, too. You can’t blame the team for the lack of competition from the rest of the division, though, that falls solely on the Jets, Bills and the Bullyphins. Although you have to admit, grabbing the #2 seed and then going on to lose at home to, say, Andrew Luck and the Colts, would make for the most entertaining Bill Simmons rant ever... wait, I forgot Simmons doesn’t even care about football anymore, or writing for that matter. My bad.

    6.- Detroit Lions (Last Week: 10)
    2013 Record: 6-3 (1st in NFC North)
    Week 10: W at Chicago, 21-19
    Week 11: at Pittsburgh

    Fez: Nope, nope… The Lions in the top 5 just doesn’t look right. I didn’t have the fortitude to rank them there, and TJ didn’t have any observations, either. And why not? Easy, their defense is in the bottom third of the league. On a side note: would you imagine if Matthew Stafford went down with injury as well? We’d be trying to determine a divisional champion out of teams with the following “starting†QBs: Scott Tolzien/Matt Flyyn, Josh McCown and Shaun Hill. We could even throw in Matt Cassel there, if the Vikings didn’t suck so much.

    TJ: You mean like the NFC West that year when the starting QBs were Tarvaris Jackson, Alex Smith, a rookie Sam Bradford, and…uh…some dude from Arizona? Yeah, that was fun. I just hope you didn’t jinx Matthew Stafford with that comment. I totally need him to mount the ultimate comeback in our fantasy league. I need to run the table to make the playoffs, and as long as Stafford throws those bombs to Megatron, I have a chance.

    7.- Indianapolis Colts (Last Week: 2)
    2013 Record: 6-3 (1st in AFC South)
    Week 10: L vs St. Louis, 38-8
    Week 11: at Tennessee (TNF)

    TJ: My Fantasy Football luck finally turned!! After I started 0-9 in my second league, but still. Thanks to injuries to Julio Jones, Reggie Wayne and Miles Austin And His Hamstrings (his full name since 2010), I went ahead and grabbed Tavon Austin who for some reason was in the waiver wire. I inserted him into my line-up and magic happened!! Now I’m 1-9, and in the wise words of Herm Edwards, WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!! As for the Colts, I must thank them for letting it happen. But you have to wonder what the hell happened last Sunday.

    Fez: â€For some reasonâ€? Really? How about Austin nearly matching his previous season total receiving yardage in this one game? Staying on the Herm Edwards tone, I did like the Colts coming back time after time without giving up. And why? Look below!!

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zLlIdZikDk"]You Play To Win The Game (INFL Mixtape) - YouTube[/ame]

    “You play, to win, the game!!â€

    All we were missing is Chuck Pagano re-living Jim Mora’s diddly poo rant. “We sucked! We-we-we sucked!†♫

    8.- Carolina Panthers (Last Week: 15)
    2013 Record: 6-3 (2nd in NFC South)
    Week 10: W at San Francisco, 10-9
    Week 11: vs New England (MNF)

    Fez: Alright, alright! You’re legit, stop bragging, ok? All season long I heard rave reviews about the Panthers front seven, but then the niners game came and… wow. They absolutely dominated one of the top OLs in the league like it was child’s play. A close road win against a contender and the Panthers hop on the top 10 after wandering around the middle of the pack. One thing to keep an eye on: Cam Newton’s passing. Strictly average so far, will it improve when the Panthers need it the most?

    TJ: It was fun reading the collective meltdown in our whatsapp group. Fez, have you noticed how the whining and ranting lately comes from you guys, the Redskins fan and the Dolphins fans? And us Cowboys fans just sit there and make fun of our own team’s failures? I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but I’m having the time of my life this year!! And yes, the Panthers seem to be for real. Let’s see them against a tough opponent next, and see if they can take it. Oh, look!! Tom Brady and the Patriots are coming to town!! That should do it.

    9.- Chicago Bears (Last Week: 8)
    2013 Record: 5-4 (2nd in NFC North)
    Week 10: L vs Detroit, 21-19
    Week 11: vs Baltimore

    Fez: Ideally, we’d be ranking the Bears out of the top 10, but… a) I made a promise and the Niners were out of it, no questions asked; b) They hung in there until the last minute with Detroit, with Josh McCown taking over for Smokin’-Jay-Cutler-If-He-Stays-Healthy-Rodgers-Cromartie (those hyphenated names are getting harder and harder!). Score a huge loss to coach Marc Trestman: Cutler had no business out there after he showed his first signs of pain, and then the play-call in the 2-pt conversion was horrendous. Who calls that?? Ugh.

    TJ: It’s Smokin’-Jay-Cutler-In-His-Contract-Year-If-He-Stays-Healthy-Rodgers-Cromartie-Green-Ellis-Saltalamacchia. Geez, try to keep up, man!! But come on, when you turn to the bench and look one of the McCown brothers, you tell your starter to go out there, no matter how banged up he is.

    10.- Green Bay Packers (Last Week: 9)
    2013 Record: 5-4 (3rd in NFC North)
    Week 10: L vs Philadelphia, 27-13
    Week 11: at New York Giants

    Fez: I’m gonna be the 2732nd guy who says it, but I think it’s hilarious that the Matt Flynn circle is finally complete. After getting 6 million in signing bonus from the Seahawks, and getting that same ridiculous contract restructured to help the Raiders’ salary cap (guaranteeing him even more money!), Flynn comes back to the Packers to fill in for the eventual Scott Tolzien crap-show. It’d only be fitting to see that happening on week 13 against… Detroit! Who’s up for a repeat of the Matt Flynn Fluke? By the way, if the Packers taught us anything, is that your backup QB matters a lot more than you’d wish he did. With Aaron Rodgers out for a while, they will probably not make the playoffs.

    TJ: Give them a break. The back-up QB position hasn’t been important in Green Bay since 1992, when Brett Favre jogged to the field against the Bengals and never looked back. It’s ok if they just forgot about it. Matt Flynn is back to collect one more pay-check!! Seriously, it’s been so many times, I’ve ran out of ways to make fun of him. I already called him a fluke. I already called him a thief. I even called him a prostitute. What else can I say? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MATT FLYNN?!?!

    11.- San Francisco 49ers (Last Week: 7)
    2013 Record: 6-3 (2nd in NFC West)
    Week 10: L vs Carolina, 10-9
    Week 11: at New Orleans

    Fez: Don’t you love message boards? All we niner fans read during the 5-game winning streak is how San Francisco was back in business, how the offense was coming around slowly, how potent the running game was… and now a loss to the Panthers and “ZOMG TEH SKY IZ FALLING OH NOEZZZâ€. Please. Surely, the division might be out of reach unless the PED boys slow down in the latter part of the season, but as it stands right now, the niners are the 6th seed. Can it get worse? Yeah! Can it get better? That, too! Look past the following week’s matchup at New Orleans and see what they’ve got: WAS, STL, SEA, TB, ATL, ARI. That’s a 5-1 record there, at worst. Stop snitching, niner fans.

    TJ: Oh, yeah, I remember when we were like that. To continue with my point that Colin Kaepernick is the second coming of Alex Smith I present to you exhibit A: 46 net passing yards. FORTY-SIX NET PBUTTING YARDS!! Are you kidding me? Oh, but these guys, Kaepersexuals, spin it their way blaming everybody who can get a part of the blame, you know, just like me back when I defended Antonio Ramiro Romo for all his shortcomings. All I can tell you is this: denial is a snitch. One of these days, you’ll wake up in a pool of sweat and realize what really is happening. That day for me was week 17 of the 2012 season. After years, and years of denial. I want to see how long it takes you, Fez. Moving on…

    12.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last Week: 11)
    2013 Record: 6-4 (1st in AFC North)
    Week 10: L at Baltimore, 17-20 (OT)
    Week 11: vs Cleveland

    TJ: How can they score on a 50+ yard hail mary and still lose? I expect that kind of thing from my Cowboys, not from any other team!! Man, what a tough loss. Now, instead of being on the driver’s seat in the suddenly weak NFC North, they have to look over their shoulder for the Ravens and Browns, which will be tough with all they key defensive starters they have lost. Who knew all you needed to make the playoffs with a Coach like Marvin Lewis was starting a QB with no soul?

    Fez: NFL overtime, a 50-50 chance to win. I have to rant a little bit. On Tuesday morning, I read Gregg Easterbrook’s TMQ, and he foolishly stated that the Bengals should’ve gone for two after the hail mary... I mean, why? Hindsight is 20-20 and now it was a bad idea to go for 1 and decide it in overtime, but can’t you see the huge crap Marvin Lewis would get if he had done that and failed? It’s a divisional game, for cripe’s sake. Jesus, these professional writers...

    13.- New York Jets (Last Week: 13)
    2013 Record: 5-4 (2nd in AFC East)
    Week 10: BYE
    Week 11: at Buffalo

    TJ: Yes, you read that right. It’s not a typo or anything. The Jets are in second place of the AFC East, and are in the hunt for a wild card spot. Did anybody see this coming? I think not even Jets fans did!! And I’m pretty sure they don’t even remember Mark Sanchez anymore. Like we said in the past weeks, who’s laughing now?

    Fez: Mark Sanchez? Isn’t that an inmigrant janitor in the Jets HQ? And yeah, the Jets are right now the #6 seed in the AFC. And it gets better. They are one game above the following teams: the Bullyphins, the Fitzpatricks, the Browns (no snarky name needed), the Elite Eyebrows and the Baby Making Machines Not Named Cromartie. Out of that list, at this exact point of the season, who can challenge the Jets’ playoffs spot? Maybe San Diego, and maybe the Ravens if they get hot and inject Ray Rice with enough HGH to make him grow a third ball. Still, I’m not sure the NFL world is ready to see the immortal couple of Geno Smith and the Foot Licker in the playoffs. Give it one more year. Please step up, San Diego!

    14.- Arizona Cardinals (Last Week: 17)
    2013 Record: 5-4 (3rd in NFC West)
    Week 10: W vs Houston, 24-27
    Week 11: at Jacksonville

    Fez: Sometimes you stare at something that you feel it’s unbelievable, yet you keep staring, digesting the facts, and come to the conclussion: “Yep, indeed!â€. Here’s one: the Arizona Cardinals, with the immortal Carson Palmer as the starting QB, they of the captive Larry Fitzgerald, would be divisional leaders in the NFC Least. No, really. They would! This week’s tally: Mr. Palmer got sacked only once, but since the guy tackling him behind the LOS and making him fumble was none other than the reigning DPOY J.J. Watt, it really counts as four sacks. Other than that, he was ok. Still: RUN CARSON, RUN!!!

    TJ: Too bad we kicked them out of the division in 2002 for so much sucking. Since then, they have made a Super Bowl and were so close to winning it. Not bad for our former goobered cousin. Notice how Fez forgot to mention that they sit only one game behind the 49ers, and play the Jaguars next week. So once the Niners lose to the Saints, we’ll have a tie in second place!! Can’t wait for the meltdown.

    Fez: The niners hold the tie-breaker right now, you silly boy.

    15.- Dallas Cowboys (Last Week: 12)
    2013 Record: 5-5 (1st in NFC East)
    Week 10: L at New Orleans, 17-49 (SNF)
    Week 11: BYE

    Fez: Sometimes, the jokes are told themselves. Here, look at this:


    Now, allow me to say that Rob Ryan is a tad overrated, but the reasoning behind his firing is… just… stupid. Even for Jerry Pls’ standards. “He wanted less going onâ€â€¦ where’s my Jerry Pls Thesaurus? Oh, here it is… it means “the media was taking too many close-ups of Rob Ryan, and not nearly enough close-ups of my plastic surgeon’s state-of-the-art facelifts.†Oh I see!

    TJ: I pulled some strings and got a hold of the transcript of Jason Garret and Monte Kiffin’s conversations through the intercom. Here are the best parts:

    Somewhere in the Second Quarter
    Jason Garrett: Ok, Monte!! We lost Sean, but we should be able to slow them down with all those schemes we saw during the week. It’s third down, what are we going to do?
    Monte Kiffin: B-22!! BINGO!!!
    JG: B-22 Bingo? Is that some code for a blitz? Ok, radio to Bruce B-22 Bingo!!

    Bruce Carter turns to the sideline with the ultimate confusion face
    Saints convert yet another third down

    JG: Damn, I guess B-22 Bingo didn’t work out. Come on, Monte…they’re marching down on us and our guys are banged up. Try to come up with something!!
    MK: Wait, what? A-14? Hadn’t that already come up? What kind of game is this?
    JG: It’s football, Monte!! Come on, focus…they’re in the redzone. Should we blitz or wait for them? Time’s running out!!
    MK: Shut up, son. I’m trying to listen to the bingo guy. Wha-? Where am I? What is this?

    Fourth Quarter

    JG: Sigh…they just scored another TD. We’re down 42-17. Look across the field at Rob. Look how happy he is. I wish I could be happy like that some day.
    MK: It’s past 10 PM. Time for M.A.S.H. I want to go home!!
    JG: Monte, M.A.S.H. ended 30 years ago. Come on, focus!! Let’s try to hold them at least below 50 this time!!
    MK: And the bingo guy is cheating!! I haven’t won a single game tonight!!
    JG: Have you been playing bingo?!?!

    Saints score on a 56-yard bomb from Drew Brees

    JG: Monte, you’re not in the retirement home!! We’re playing a football game here and you’re supposed to run our defense!!
    MK: Don’t talk back to me like that, Lane!!
    JG: I’m not your son!! I cannot fire you!! Damn it, why did I sign up for this?

    Aaaaaaaand scene…

    It’s so hard to be a Cowboys fan these days…



    16.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last Week: 20)
    2013 Record: 5-5 (2nd in NFC East)
    Week 10: W at Green Bay, 27-13
    Week 11: vs Washington

    Fez: When it’s all said and done, I’m going to go down as the guy who started it all. The man who BELIEVED IN NICK FOLES!!! The man who stuck to his guns, driving the empty bandwagon hoping for Foles’ redemption. And here we are. 16 TDs, not interceptions yet. It’s premature, Foles needs to keep playing better and adjust to defenses having film and gameplanning for him, and let’s not talk about the crappy defense. So, again, why was Michael Vick even starting? Sometimes I don’t understand these genius coaches. Ahem… I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!!

    TJ: And Chip Kelly STILL will not commit to naming Foles his starter. Makes sense, since the atrocious Cowboys defense made him look like Blaine Gabbert out there. I’d have my doubts too. But still, it’s clear that right now he gives them the better chances to win, unlike Mike Vick Who Just Can’t Stay Healthy. Now, with the Cowboys on their bye, all they have to do is beat the Redskins again to claim sole possession of first place. And yes, we’re on our way for yet another NFC East Championship game in Week 17 in which the Cowboys will probably be involved. We all know how it’s going to end, why bother? Please don’t flex it again, NBC.

    17.- San Diego Chargers (Last Week: 18)
    2013 Record: 4-5 (3rd in AFC West)
    Week 10: L vs Denver, 28-20
    Week 11: at Miami

    TJ: The Chargers seem to me like this year’s “team better than what their record showsâ€. They just have the bad luck of having both the Broncos and Chiefs in the same division. And yes, that loss to the Raiders earlier in the season would make you doubt, but come on, nobody saw that game!! It shouldn’t count!! Oh, well. It will suck when any of the NFC East Teams makes the playoffs and they’re out.

    Fez: The thing is, they haven’t even had the chance to feast on The Mediocre Game Manager’s dink and dunk game. You have a point, that loss to the Raiders is really hurting right now. I mean, how do you lose to Oakland? Maybe if Phil Rivers spent more time studying film than making America challenge China as the most populated country in the world, things like this wouldn’t happen. Moving on.

    18.- Cleveland Browns (Last Week: 19)
    2013 Record: 4-5 (2nd in AFC North)
    Week 10: BYE
    Week 11: at Cincinnati

    TJ: I would be expected to make another lame “at least they didn’t lose this week†joke, but look at that!! 4-5, second place in the AFC North!! How ‘bout them Browns!! And they have a golden chance to close the gap to the banged-up Bengals next week. How will they blow it this time? I’m still not sure of what the definition of “blow it†is for them, after all, we thought they were tanking the season, but they’re trying to make a run!! Man, my head hurts…

    Fez: Funny you used the words “blowâ€, “banged-up†and “headâ€, for the team that formerly employed Trent Richardson (here: http://www.tmz.com/2013/11/12/trent-richardson-s*x-tape-indianapolis-colts/ ). That trade with the Colts keeps getting better and better! Look at that quote, for cripe’s sake: “We've seen the footage -- let's just say Trent's got a lot in common with the Colts mascot, if you catch our drift.†Who’s going to be the first one to joke that if Andrew Luck handed off the ball to Trent’s johnson instead of to his hands, the Colts rushing average would vastly improve?

    19.- Baltimore Ravens (Last Week: 22)
    2013 Record: 4-5 (3rd in AFC North)
    Week 10: W vs Cincinnati, 17-20 (OT)
    Week 11: at Chicago

    TJ: After pulling a win out of their asses against the Bengals, they remain in the hunt for the NFC North. I still don’t think they can pull it off, but I’ve seen stranger things happen in this league in the past. Like that one time, when Washington started 3-6, and I was making fun of them…and then they never lost again until the playoffs. The lesson I learned, is to never leave a team for dead. Not even if they’re led by Joe Flacco’s eliteness.

    Fez: Saw the replay over and over again. I’ll ask, why was Daryl Smith (#51 on the Ravens) trying to catch the ball instead of, you know, batting it away? What the hell are these dummy players thinking? Didn’t they go to college? Do coaches not teach these guys that the right thing to do here is to NOT TRY TO INTERCEPT THE BALL? It’s as if these guys spent three or four years in college pretending to be students... hey, wait a second...

    20.- St. Louis Rams (Last Week: 26)
    2013 Record: 4-6 (4th in NFC West)
    Week 10: W at Indianapolis, 38-8
    Week 11: BYE

    Fez: Good god, what the hell was that? Tavon Austin looking like a human joystick, bringing back memories of Dante Hall! Now, before we all get too excited about him, let’s not forget that he was a non-factor in all his previous nine games… so, please don’t start touching yourselves, Rams fans. The bye week couldn’t come at a worst time… all momentum = gone.

    TJ: Not all rookies are of immediate-impact. Some of them need a little time to adjust. Maybe the time has come to Tavon, and if it does, watch out!! Now, am I crazy or do they look better since Checo Bradford went down for the year? I mean, they almost pulled off a huge upset against the Seahawks, and now they actually pull it in Indy!! How about that? And if (when) the Niners lose next week, they’ll be only one game behind both SF and Arizona. This might be a fun race after all!! Who saw that coming?

    21.- New York Giants (Last Week: 24)
    2013 Record: 3-6 (3rd in NFC East)
    Week 10: W vs Oakland, 20-24
    Week 11: vs Green Bay

    Fez: As a long-time Eli Manning keeper in a dynasty fantasy league, I’ve got to say this: switching to Nick Foles as my permanent starting QB feels like starting a new relationship, only you can’t help but keep an eye on your former significant other just to see how she’s doing. In this case, she (I mean, Eli) can’t get out of her funk, can’t get any better and will probably melt down in a couple of weeks. I know what you’re thinking, and I agree with you: I need to get out more.

    TJ: That gave me a disturbing picture of Fez dating Foles, taking him out to dinner, maybe go watch a movie, while Elisha watches from a distance with tears in her eyes…then the night comes and Fez cheats on Foles with Kaepernick in some random motel. Shame on you, Fez!! At least Elisha Manning is a girl!!

    22.- Tennessee Titans (Last Week: 16)
    2013 Record: 4-5 (2nd in AFC South)
    Week 10: L vs Jacksonville, 29-27
    Week 11: vs Indianapolis (TNF)

    TJ: Last week I said that beating the Jaguars gets you a one-place drop in the rankings. Well, losing should drop you at least ten places, but I’ll settle with six. And now their little playoff hopes rest on Ryan Fitzpatrick’s shoulders!! It’s almost unfair. Time for the fat lady to sing on them. It’s over. Please give Chris Johnson lots of carries, though. I still want to make a run at this thing.

    Fez: Tried to be fair. Being forced to play Pickspatrick is almost a guaranteed loss, even if the Titans played to USC back when they had Lame Kiffin coaching them. And they do have 4 wins to their record, so it wasn’t all bad. Too bad Tennessee can kiss its season goodbye thanks to the latest Jake Locker injury. It’s gonna be really interesting for them to see what they do with their QB situation next offseason. Locker isn’t the most polished guy, and his injury record is alarming, but there’s no doubt he makes the Titans better when he plays. Oh well.

    23.- Miami Dolphins (Last Week: 14)
    2013 Record: 4-5 (3rd in AFC East)
    Week 10: L at Tampa Bay, 19-22 (MNF)
    Week 11: vs San Diego

    TJ: Come on, seriously? Nobody saw this meltdown coming after all the bullying drama during the week? Not even their passionate, overreacting fans? Because the meltdown of last night makes me think that’s the case!! And I love it how they’re screaming for everybody’s head: Ireland, Philbrin, even the owner!! You think you’re in hell? That’s cute. Try having an un-fireable GM who insists we’re going to the Super Bowl every year, and who also happens to own the team. That, my Dolphins fans friends, is hell. You’ll be fine. You can fire your GM. Eventually.

    Fez: Actual excerpt of our WA group, last Sunday afternoon:

    TJ: “Holy crap, if Tampa loses tomorrow, we’ll have a new #32!â€
    Fez: “Come on, what if Tampa wins? Who’s the new #32?â€
    Gama (niner fan): “Tampa’s not going to win.â€
    Fez: “What if it does?â€
    Gama: “I know picking an upset vs Miami is tempting, but no, Tampa’s not going to win.â€
    Fez: “AND IF IT DOES?!?!?â€

    Bragging rights for calling it. Anyway, Miami, what a mess. I don’t have a horse on this race. Having said that, I think everyone should be out of the Dolphins: Ireland, Philbin, Incognito, Martin… all four need to go. In one of the preseason editions of this column, I stated that I couldn’t believe that Ireland was off the hot seat, that he had done very little to avoid criticism, yet he wasn’t getting it as much as he did in previous years. If this doesn’t seal the deal for him, I don’t know what will. Philbin, ugh, what a lame coach. One would think that a grown man that lost his son would be a little more sensitive to human relationships, but as we learn year after year, football coaches want to be seen as heartless pr**ks. Why didn’t he step up and stop the situation? Why would he ask a known hot head like Incognito to “toughen up†Martin? And speaking of Martin, there’s an old saying that reads that don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. He was part of the team’s pranks to other players, and then he snaps after he gets pranked. Please. Go away all of you.

    24.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last Week: 29)
    2013 Record: 3-6 (4th in AFC North)
    Week 10: W vs Buffalo, 10-23
    Week 11: vs Detroit

    TJ: News broke during the week about Big Ben wanting out of Pittsburgh and all that, which usually happens when a well-known QB finds himself trapped in a no-win situation. Of course, Ben went ahead and shot down those claims, but it still makes you wonder. By the way, I read on twitter that Troy Polamalu cut his hair for the first time in 11 years. 11 YEARS!! I can’t even go three months without cutting mine!! That’s disgusting!!

    Fez: I’ve tried to grow mine a little bit. It just can’t. It’s like no-shave November: if you can’t grow a decent beard, don’t bother growing one. So no, I keep my hair short and that’s that. As for Polamalu, a few questions arise. #1: how much did he pay for that cut? #2: how many times did the hair-dresser throw up? #3: how many species of wild life did the hairdresser have to kill before proceeding with the cut? #4: Is there a PETA rally on schedule because of this?

    25.- Buffalo Bills (Last Week: 23)
    2013 Record: 3-7 (4th in AFC East)
    Week 10: L at Pittsburgh, 10-23
    Week 11: vs New York Jets

    TJ: Once again, the Bills look like that old team that hasn’t made the playoffs for over a decade, which is weird, with all the young talent they have: EJ Manuel, CJ Spiller, Kiko Alonso (LOL…I love that name), it really makes you wonder. The Steelers game was very winnable, to keep their chances alive, and they blew it, so we’ll have to wait one more year to see if the Bills can be relevant again.

    Fez: Hey, what’s another year, right? To think there are thousands of Buffalo teenagers that weren’t even born the last time the Bills made the playoffs. That’s just... sad. You can talk all day about the Young talent the Bills have, but when they make stupid mistakes like an encroachment penalty on 4th down, deep in their own end zone to give the Steelers a new set of downs, bad things will happen.

    26.- Minnesota Vikings (Last Week: 30)
    2013 Record: 2-7 (4th in in NFC North)
    Week 10: W vs Washington, 27-34 (TNF)
    Week 11: at Seattle

    Fez: Gotta give some props to Christian Ponder. The man does give everything he’s got, no matter how little. Did you happen to see that play when he dislocated his shoulder? That took some BALLS!!! To paraphrase a quote of mine from last year: HIS BALLS DON’T FREAKING FIT IN HIS PANTS!!! Too bad his balls won’t fit in the Vikings roster next season. TJ?

    TJ: Of course. Anyone tastefully named Christian has balls that don’t fit our pants. But big balls don’t give you arm strength, so the Vikings will continue to struggle for the time being. It’s just too bad that yet another super duper star of this league has to be stuck on such a mediocre team. Please, Vikings…I’m begging you, FREE ADRIAN PETERSON, before he pulls a Barry Sanders and retires in his prime.

    27.- Washington Redskins (Last Week: 21)
    2013 Record: 3-6 (4th in NFC East)
    Week 10: L at Minnesota, 27-34 (TNF)
    Week 11: at Philadelphia

    Fez: My god, what a mess. So yeah, they’re in the hunt for the divisional crown, but they’re definitely not getting it with that pass protection, and definitely not with that defense. 34 points to the Ponder-led Vikings? By the way, I’m trying to watch less and less games or highlights from the Redskins. I can’t take them. I mean, I’ve never had a torn ligament or some major injury, but I do have creaky knee caps, and those are hell when I try to jog… I hadn’t done that for months and I did last Friday. I spent two days recovering, and my knees felt like they were going to give in. That’s all you need to know.

    TJ: That’s cute. You have the knees of a man twice your age. Grow a pair, already!! I can’t wait for the Redskins to lose to the Eagles next week so we can officially declare them eliminated. I mean, at 3-7 and losses to the Cowboys and twice against the Eagles, they won’t have the edge in the divisional tie breakers, and that will save my beautiful, beautiful hair. But you get that feeling that this team is just a competent defense away from stealing the division for the next years, because the offense is already scary as it is. In the meantime, I’ll continue laughing at their shortcomings.

    28.- Houston Texans (Last Week: 25)
    2013 Record: 2-7 (3rd in AFC South)
    Week 10: L at Arizona, 24-27
    Week 11: vs Oakland

    TJ: News broke on Tuesday that the Texans were releasing Ed Reed. Yet another case of a player stealing from an NFL Team. Reed got paid 5 million dollars for suiting up 5 games. That’s one million per game, and by the way, Matt Flynn thinks he’s doing it wrong. Now let’s just hope that great genius Jerry Jones doesn’t call him. STAY AWAY FROM THAT PHONE, JERRY!!!

    Fez: Come on, Jerry pls! It’s Ed Reed, All-Pro safety! He’s going to vastly improve your shredded defense! Pick up his contract, it’s worth it, I swear to god! Anyway, Texans… I feel cheated. I’ve heard the Case Keenum comparisons to Ramiro Romo, and so far, I don’t see it. I don’t see the botched snaps, the crunch time picks, the hideous body language, or the sucking of Texans fans’ souls. Step it up, Casemiro! One last note: it was refreshing to see Wade Phillips “I’m terribly overmatched, I have no idea what’s going on here!†face as the interim HC.

    29.- Oakland Raiders (Last Week: 27)
    2013 Record: 3-6 (4th in AFC West)
    Week 10: L at New York Giants, 20-24
    Week 11: at Houston

    TJ: Speaking of washed up has-beens, am I crazy or is Oakland the perfect destination for Ed Reed? Pair him up with Charles Woodson (6 years past both their primes, but still) and let hell break loose!! It would be the only thing worth talking about in Oakland, now that they took their rightful place in the basement of the AFC West. Good job, guys!! Good effort!!

    Fez: Ugh, Oakland. Why do we even bother? Just go ahead, thank Dennis Allen for his wasted time, and move on, find a real coach. Oh, and finding some actual talent wouldn’t hurt. I mean, guys like Tracy Porter (pick six and all), Mike Jenkins, the undoubtedly washed up Charles Woodson… those guys are going to carry your defense? Denarius Moore? Please, step it up.

    30.- Atlanta Falcons (Last Week: 28)
    2013 Record: 2-7 (3rd in NFC South)
    Week 10: L vs Seattle, 33-10
    Week 11: at Tampa Bay

    Fez: Let’s be honest here. What would you do if you were Tony Gonzalez? The man comes back for one last shot, thinking the Falcons had some unfinished business… then the season from hell happens, and now he’s stuck in a hopeless situation. The thing is, he STILL seems to have something left in the tank, even at age 37. Does he come back for a contender next year? Does he call it quits? Does he quit right now and avoid injury risk? I’d choose the latter, but I’m not as classy as him.

    TJ: And now Mike Smith got the kiss of death. You know, when the owner or GM goes on record claiming that his coach is not in danger or anything, just to fire his butt a few weeks later. I think it’s too soon, since Smith has had relative success so far. I think this is his first losing season. But anyway, goes to show you how quickly things can change in this league. As for Tony G, I have discussed it enough. I don’t know if he really refused to be traded, or if the Falcons refused to do so, but anyway, it’s wrong. I’d start a FREE TONY G campaign, but it’s too late for him now. Happy retirement, pops!!

    31.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last Week: 31)
    2013 Record: 1-8 (4th in NFC South)
    Week 10: W vs Miami, 19-22 (MNF)
    Week 11: vs Atlanta

    Fez: Greg Schibutthole! The man, the legend! The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were the laughing stock of the league before Greg Schibutthole arrived. The Bucs needed Greg Schibutthole, and Greg Schibutthole has led them to the glory. Whatever happened from kickoff weekend to this point is irrelevant: Greg Schibutthole is the chosen one. All hail Lord Schibutthole. By the way, it’s going to be hilarious to hear him brag about this win, when everything he’s done all season long is spew some major bullcrap.

    TJ: Well, of course. That’s what buttholes do. I’m sure Schiano thinks Richie Incognito is a cat, just because he’s a grown man that still goes with the name “Richieâ€. Congrats to Mike Glennon on his first NFL Win. Let’s hope Coach Butthole doesn’t celebrate by giving him an atomic wedgie in front of the whole team.

    32.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last Week: 32)
    2013 Record: 1-8 (4th in AFC South)
    Week 10: W at Tennessee, 29-27
    Week 11: vs Arizona

    TJ: Before Monday night, I was concerned about the Jaguars getting their first win, and forcing us to move them up from the bottom of the rankings. I really wanted to drive Fez insane trying to come up with 17 different bible verses. Then the Bucs got their win, and it was safe to rank the Jaguars at 32 again. Life is great!! Congrats to them, anyway. So, yeah…that’s it for me this week, I’m leaving you with Reverend Fez who will read us a new bible verse. Please go ahead, Reverend.

    Let there be no happiness nor trash talk nor crude joking,
    which are out of place, as those belong in Miami,
    but instead let there be thanksgiving.
    For you may be sure of this,
    that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure,
    or who has no plans to sign The Chosen One,
    has no inheritance in the kingdom of The Tebow Our Lord.
    Let no win deceive you with false hope,
    for because of these things, and without The Chosen One playing,
    the wrath of The Tebow comes upon the sons of disobedience.
    Ephesians 5:4-6 (4-6 might as well be the average of yards per possession for the Jags)

    Virgin Timmy Full of Grace, pray for them!

    TJ is a lifelong Cowboys fan living in Central Mexico. He spends his football season weekends cringing at the sight of Ramiro Romo dropping back to pbutt.
    Fez is a lifelong 49ers fan enjoying life in a west coast state in Mexico. He spends his football season weekends in peace, knowing that the police found Colin Kaepernick’s balls and reattached them back to his cover-man body.
    Neither gives a crap about any spelling or grammar mistakes, because they don’t have the benefit of having an editor reviewing their work. So there.
  2. CaptainStubing

    CaptainStubing Gave her a Dirty Sanchez

    Great stuff as usual gentlemen. You should go pro
  3. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    I just love reading something from a Niners fan bashing the crap out of Alex Smith. It's a combination of being so laughingly jealous that it physically and mentally hurts, unforgiving rage for single-handedly freaking area code 94101 out of a SuperBowl appearance and some of the best pent-up comedy I've seen in years. I will continue praying for a SF/KC Superbowl.

    Once again, good stuff.
  4. DaBearsrule4ever

    DaBearsrule4ever Hall Of Famer

    The Bears at #9 with all of their injuries? I'll take it!
  5. Buck Fenson

    Buck Fenson formerly Jake from State Farm

    the Saints are schizophrenic. The next few weeks will tell the tale of the tape. Good job as always.
  6. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    Been ranking the Bears too high the last couple of weeks... but IMO, it seems as though the top 4 teams in each conference are stable, and the middle-of-the-pack ones fluctuate between "they can stun the Broncos!" and "I can't believe they lost to the Raiders!". Besides, the Bears with their backup QB they aren't nearly as bad as the Packers with their own.
  7. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    Wouldn't mind if they had one last lapse this weekend... :icon_cheesygrin: My wallet would be thankful.
  8. 86WARD

    86WARD -

    Polamalu had his haircut by a war veteran to show support to the Veterans of Foreign Wars' seven-week Mane Event to raise awareness for veterans issues. I heard it was only three inches...but they are auctioning it off...lol.

    Steelers = too high.
  9. TJ

    TJ Dez Caught It

    I just think that it's very weird that everybody claims that their team is "higher than it should", when a few years ago used to be the complete opposite. Too bad there are no Jaguars fans here.
  10. 86WARD

    86WARD -

    I actually think the Steelers are worse than what you have them ranked...
  11. Rottstein

    Rottstein Rookie

    Who that is below then would you move up? Redskins maybe? Vikings, Houston, Raiders? They are in a pile of teams that are playing just as bad.
  12. 86WARD

    86WARD -

    Vikings and Redskins.
  13. 86WARD

    86WARD -