TJ And Fez's Power Rankings, Week 16 Edition

Discussion in 'NFL Writer's Block' started by Fez, Dec 24, 2012.

  1. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    The fraud that was the end of the world, and the Falcons, and the Ravens…Fez continues to find ways to throw money away while improving his poetry…and TJ mails it in in his vacation. It’s Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings Week 16 edition!!

    Fez: Hello and welcome to Week 16 of TJ and Fez’s Power Rankings. As you may have noticed, the Mayans pulled the greatest prank in the history of mankind, fooling us into interpreting their calendar as if the World was going to end on December 21st, 2012. They even teased us by making the following events happen in the past months: The Arizona Cardinals winning 4 straight to start a season; Alex Smith being talked about as efficient and even “eliteâ€￾; Stinky Pete Carroll having success in the pros; Mike Shanahan with a double whammy of sticking to one starting runningback instead of pulling his RB-by-committee garbage AND leading the Redskins into playoffs contention; Norv Turner still somehow having a HC gig in the NFL; Tony Romo winning games in December. I mean, I can’t blame people for freaking out. Those were some creepy happenings.


    TJ: At the same time, if you paid attention last week, you know I’m on vacation now. I’m writing this on my father-in-law’s laptop (of course I had to fix it first) while my wife, her mom and her sisters are working on the Christmas dinner. No cable, so no ESPN, no NFL Network, no Fox…at least I have a half decent internet connection. I still don’t know how I have not murdered anyone…yet. I caught a few early games, and absolutely nothing on the late and night games. This should be at least interesting. So here are Fez & TJ’s Power Rankings after week 16.

    1.- Denver Broncos (Last week: 2)
    Record: 12-3 (1st in AFC West)
    Week 16: Won vs Cleveland, 12-34
    Week 17: vs Kansas City

    Fez: 10 straight wins!!! 2nd place in the AFC!!! I don’t care how well Adrian Peterson’s running right now, this HAS to be the MVP. Can we at least make them share the award? It’s only fair.

    TJ: Yeah, some people still think the miraculous healing of a 27-year old ACL is more impressive than the healing of a 36-year old neck that had procedures made on it that involved the word “fusionâ€￾. Actually, I’m one of those people, but now that I just put it in those words I realize how stupid it is. They both are amazing, and to make it fair, let’s name an MVP per conference this year. Deal?

    2.- New England Patriots (Last week: 3)
    Record: 11-4 (1st in AFC East)
    Week 16: Won at Jacksonville, 23-16
    Week 17: vs Miami

    Fez: Right after I cashed in last week’s earnings from the Niners-Patriots game, I put a similar bet on New England covering a 14.5-pt spread at Jacksonville. I didn’t even blink. I saw it as free money falling from the sky. And like that black entity attaching to Eddie Brock and turning him into Venom, the gambling disease caused me an itch to investigate what a parlay is (yeah, I didn’t know how it worked. Shut up). Turns out I found out three “easy gamesâ€￾ to parlay this week (Falcons -4, Pats -14.5 again, Colts -6), but I failed to submit it. Why? Read the answer on the Colts section.

    TJ: Oh, yes. Fez still has a gambling problem. And a bigger problem is that he got it right when the play-off teams got set in each conference and setting money on fire was easier (or actually buying your buddy TJ the PS3 you were talking about last week!!). Of course they were on cruise control in Jacksonville, what did you expect? If you’re gonna gamble real money, that’s fine but at least think things through first. Geez…

    3.- Green Bay Packers (Last week: 5)
    Record: 11-4 (1st in NFC North)
    Week 16: Won vs Tennessee, 7-55
    Week 17: at Minnesota

    TJ: Now THIS is how you should be playing once you clinched your division and pretty much settled for a #3 seed. Why some teams take it easy at the end and start resting starters is something I’ve never really understood. You lose momentum, you lose focus…avoiding injuries? Baby please…if you want to avoid injuries go play freaking golf or something. Kudos to the Packers for not slowing down, and now watch them make a deep run in the playoffs. I mean, isn’t a Seahawks-Packers NFC Championship game the match-up everybody wants to watch? Of course it is! We’ll even have the replacement refs throw the game’s opening coin toss (and heck it up, naturally).

    Fez: Seahawks-Packers? Seattle will be out of the playoffs. They will be on the road, and they’re totally beatable there. I know that’s the hater within you speaking, but come on. Get real.

    4.- Atlanta Falcons (Last week: 6)
    Record: 13-2 (1st in NFC South)
    Week 16: Won at Detroit, 31-18 (Saturday)
    Week 17: vs Tampa Bay

    TJ: What else can I say about the Falcons? Nobody cares either way. Just look: I won’t say nothing about them, and you won’t even notice.

    Fez: Man, you weren’t joking when you wrote that intro about mailing it in. Anyway, on to the Fraudcons: see how vulnerable they are? Calvin Johnson absolutely ripped them a new one, even though he’s the Lions’ only weapon right now. Please, sports bookies, make the line low in their first playoffs game, I beg you.

    5.- Seattle Seahawks (Last week: 7)
    Record: 10-5 (2nd in NFC West)
    Week 16: Won vs San Francisco, 13-42 (SNF)
    Week 17: vs St. Louis

    TJ: I BELIEVE IN RUSSELL WILSON!!!! Just remember I was driving this bandwagon before it got overcrowded. The best part about it is that if Seattle wins week 17 and SF losses, SF will advance as a wild card, and with the Cowboys winning in DC, chances are we’ll face each other in the Wild Card Round…then Fez and I will start the mother of all trash talks during the week in which I won’t even work getting all fired up for that game, that it might get me fired and I’ll have to find another job and…..oh, nevermind…I just saw the 49ers play Arizona in week 17. Forget it…

    Fez: Yup, we get that puff-cream team in week 17. That’s why I’m not sweating this loss as much. But really, did we miss Justin Smith THAT much? Anyway, I can’t help but complain about the Cheating Seahawks. No, not the week 3 game; the Packers will take care of that part. Why was Richard Sherman out there? Seriously? I hate how they’re weaseling out of the punishment by not having both guys out at the same time, even though their suspensions were announced just like that. What a freaking joke. But oh well, cheaters never win, Stinky Pete. And some team will erase that annoying smile of yours you had Sunday night. If that team is the 49ers, even better.

    6.- San Francisco 49ers (Last week: 2)
    Record: 10-4-1 (1st in NFC West)
    Week 16: Lost at Seattle, 13-42 (SNF)
    Week 17: vs Arizona

    TJ: Haha. Ha!! HA!!.......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I said I wouldn’t be such a hater, but it’s just that….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sorry, again…so…let’s see…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I’m terribly sorry…I can’t control my laughter…I’m actually choking on my coffee.….you know what? I’ll leave the floor to Fez who I’m sure has a memorable rant…Fez, go ahead…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Fez: … I’ve got nothing. Well, I do, but I already covered it in the Cheating Seahawks part. A guy who had no business being on the field returns a blocked kick for a TD; artificial noise; a shameless unnecessary roughness foul that took Vernon Davis out of the game with a concussion. Need I say more? Again, cheaters never win, Stinky Pete.

    7.- Houston Texans (Last week: 4)
    Record: 12-3 (1st in AFC South)
    Week 16: Lost vs Minnesota, 23-6
    Week 17: at Indianapolis

    Fez: With a must-win game to keep that #1 seed, Houston blew a home game against a team with no passing game. Of course they did. They may have relied too much on Arian Foster before, and given his irregular heartbeat (nothing serious, thankfully) they were forced to throw the game and trust Ben Tate. And see the results. Let’s just say Houston fans shouldn’t be planning the SB parade just yet.

    TJ: Speaking of cruise control, I’m not sure the Texans are doing just that, or they’re not as good as everybody thinks, like I said last week, and I’m leaning towards the latter. It has been proven that if they fall back, their passing game is not good enough to keep up, and their run defense is average at best. Now, Mr. Gambler… are you going to take my advice and bet against the Texans in the playoffs? If you do, I’m taking a 20% cut.

    Fez: If you knew me, you’d realize I’m not taking anyone’s advice.

    8.- Washington Redskins (Last week: 8)
    Record: 9-6 (1st in NFC East)
    Week 16: Won at Philadelphia, 27-20
    Week 17: vs Dallas

    TJ: How cute…the Redskins actually think they can win the division. Good luck with that. I haven’t paid my thanksgiving bet to my buddy the redskins fan…and if I know him, and I think I do, he’ll want to double the bet for this game. I need to think this carefully…either I pay for two meals, or I get off the hook…it’s so tempting…let’s ask my buddy the bold gambler…

    Fez: Do it! Do it! I can’t wait to quote this paragraph in next week’s PR to my delight. And oh, I hope your buddy redskins fan is a glutton.

    9.- Baltimore Ravens (Last week: 9)
    Record: 10-5 (1st in AFC North)
    Week 16: Won vs New York Giants, 14-33
    Week 17: at Cincinnati

    Fez: What a way to rebound! Right as everybody was ready to write them off in one of those typical Giants resurrections we’re used to, Joe “Eliteâ€￾ Flacco steps up to win the AFC North. That opens the door for a Cowboys-Redskins final SNF matchup. TJ will have to wait all of next Sunday just to see his team falling into pieces once again. Life is good.

    TJ: Oh, shut up. The Ravens are frauds. Something about birds in this year’s NFL…all of them either suck (Eagles, Cards) or are frauds (Ravens, Falcons). If Joe Flacco is Elite, Tony Romo is a HOF QB. Yes, I went there. Stop this nonsense. Baltimore won’t make it past the divisional round in the playoffs. Again.

    10.- Indianapolis Colts (Last week: 11)
    Record: 10-5 (2nd in AFC South)
    Week 16: Won at Kansas City, 20-13
    Week 17: vs Houston

    Fez: Here’s why I didn’t submit that parlay. My hometown’s pro futbol team plays in a lower level division, and Saturday night they hosted the second leg of the league’s finals. Never went to a game before, but I had easy access to tickets, so a few friends and I got them. Score was 1-1 after leg one at Guamuchil, and all our team had to do was to win a game in an overwhelming environment for a visiting team. We supported the team from start to finish, and they even went ahead in the score a few minutes into the second half. They ended up losing the game and the championship. I saw the team choke, and I knew I was a bandwagoner all along. You could say I was the equivalent of a Cowboys fan that night. I hate it. And since Saturday was the only day I had free to go put my bet in, and had a busy morning and noon, I was unable to find time to get some easy money. The casino opens at the same time the morning games kick off so going there Sunday morning was out of the question. Did I overreact and went to the casino to put some cash on much bigger reaches in the late games (Browns +13, Bears -6 and Giants +2.5), in a stupid quest to throw money away? No, I did not. I did. Two major bullets avoided, although I did lose the Pats -14.5 one. What was I thinking? The lesson, as always, the sports gods hate bandwagoners, but they have mercy for non-compulsive gamblers.


    It’s great to see yet another turnaround in the NFL, and I’m really glad it happened to the Colts. Good luck in the playoffs. #CHUCKSTRONG

    11.- Dallas Cowboys (Last week: 10)
    Record: 8-7 (2nd in NFC East)
    Week 16: Lost vs New Orleans, 34-31 (OT)
    Week 17: at Washington

    TJ: So close, yet so far away. The ‘boys were winning so many close games, a lose like this was due, and I’ll accept it…but come on!! We keep shooting ourselves in the foot! We keep making bonehead plays and mistakes!! And now you tell me Coach Ginger is coming back? Screw you, Jerry!! Sure, we can still make the playoffs when we win in DC, but what’s the point? We’ll get either Seattle, SF or Minnesota. All of them terrible matchups for us. And if we get SF and lose…you know what, I’ll let Fez finish that thought… Fez?

    Fez: Oh please, I already told Santa Claus I was a bad boy this year, and that I’d let him off the hook, I’d take care of my own toys. Got my GSIII, a bike and a new backpack for college. He won’t hand me a Dallas-SF playoffs matchup. He’s not that kind.

    12.- Minnesota Vikings (Last week: 13)
    Record: 9-6 (2nd in NFC North)
    Week 16: Won at Houston, 23-6
    Week 17: vs Green Bay

    TJ: Yes, Adrian Peterson is so amazing. It’s been said before. But let’s give the tastefully named Christian Ponder some credit: he looked terrible the past few weeks, and now he was…wel…not terrible!! WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!!

    Fez: Uhm… sure, why not. But the Eric twinkyerson record may last at least one more year. The Texans did enough to stop Adrian Peterson. He may still break the 2,000 yard barrier, though. I’m pulling for him.

    13.- Cincinnati Bengals (Last week: 14)
    Record: 9-6 (2nd in AFC North)
    Week 16: Won at Pittsburgh, 13-10
    Week 17: vs Baltimore

    Fez: Andy Dalton may not have a soul, but he’s had playoffs bids in each of his first two seasons. I’m sure any ginger would rather have it that way. The once-perennial losers and laughing stock of the league, they now threaten to take the reign in the AFC North for years to come. Fix that defense and they’ll be ready. Why can’t we have it that way in the AFC East? I swear I’m tired of the Patriots being talked about as the SB favorites every year. I want to see the Bills succeed in my lifetime, dammit!

    TJ: You mean you weren’t alive when they won 4 AFC Championships in a row? How old are you, again? You know what hadn’t happened in your lifetime? Two playoff berths for the Bengals in a row. Now THAT’S scary, and this is where I normally say something like “Mayans, we’re all yoursâ€￾, but as we just learned, they’re like the Ravens and Falcons: Frauds.

    14.- New York Giants (Last week: 12)
    Record: 8-7 (3rd in NFC East)
    Week 16: Lost at Baltimore, 14-33
    Week 17: vs Philadelphia

    TJ: So let’s see…in order to make it to the playoffs, the Giants need to beat the Eagles AND hope the Cowboys, Vikings and Bears all lose. Nope. It’s not gonna happen, and our proud Super Bowl Champs will be on vacation for new year’s. There are three people delighted by those news: me and them:


    Fez: I hope they aren’t as delighted to destroy my Pats -14.5 bet. Burn in hell… wait, the Devil is their buddy. Nevermind.

    15.- Chicago Bears (Last week: 15)
    Record: 9-6 (3rd in NFC North)
    Week 16: Won at Arizona, 28-13
    Week 17: at Detroit

    TJ: I’ve gone through 14 teams…I’m freezing to death…I haven’t smoked all day…my Cowboys lost…and you want me to write something about the Bears beating the freakin’ Cardinals? FREAK OFF…

    Fez: The married life… GOOD TIMES!!! Hope you’re enjoying your vacation.


    16.- New Orleans Saints (Last week: 16)
    Record: 7-8 (2nd in NFC South)
    Week 16: Won at Dallas, 34-31 (OT)
    Week 17: vs Carolina

    TJ: The event that probably triggered Fez’s gambling addiction was back in august when he made a bet with a mutual female friend of us, huge Saints fan, on who would finish with the better record: SF or NOLA. Now that Fez has clinched the win, he hasn’t asked her to pay up. Now I’m not sure why. Either he’s shy (nah), waiting for her to remember it herself (never gonna happen) or my personal favorite: he has a crush on her!!! My first clue was when he sent ME to collect the bet. I told him I’ll gladly do it as long as I get 20%, and he told me to forget it. The second clue was when he freaked out when she tweeted something about a blow**b*…maybe that’s what he wants, after all?

    Fez: Is that a proposal? Anyway, who said it was a blow**b? I mean, she hooked up with the first guy who called her “prettyâ€￾; spent the whole night with her; she even gave him the keys to the car, and there was a stain in the car’s seat. Wait a minute…

    17.- Miami Dolphins (Last week: 18)
    Record: 7-8 (2nd in AFC East)
    Week 16: Won vs Buffalo, 10-24
    Week 17: at New England

    Fez: Congrats to Miami for earning the “team in the AFC East not-called New England Patriots that sucks the leastâ€￾ award. That will go along nicely with Tannehill’s “Captain Checkdownâ€￾ one.

    TJ: Yeah…Tannehill will keep that award in his night stand next to the bed where he does his very hot wife every night. You really got him there, Fez…

    18.- St. Louis Rams (Last week: 20)
    Record: 7-7-1 (3rd in NFC West)
    Week 16: Won at Tampa Bay, 28-13
    Week 17: at Seattle

    TJ: Wait, what? The Rams have seven wins this year? Have we double checked that? Wow!! That’s the most impressive thing I’ve seen since…well, this:


    Fez: First you talk about blow**b*s. Now you post a pic about licks. Apparently, the weather in your wife’s hometown is so cold, the only place you can feel warm is a closet and suddenly you can’t wait to get out of there.

    19.- Pittsburgh Steelers (Last week: 17)
    Record: 7-8 (3rd in AFC North)
    Week 16: Lost vs Cincinnati, 13-10
    Week 17: vs Cleveland

    Fez: Forgive me for not feeling sorry about Ben Roethlisberger ending his team’s playoffs hopes in a way Tony Romo would be proud of. Karma is a snitch. One silver lining: they may have caused the best interception of the season. Take a look:

    [ame=]WK 16 Can't-Miss Play: Allen all over it - NFL Videos[/ame]


    20.- Carolina Panthers (Last week: 22)
    Record: 6-9 (4th in NFC South)
    Week 16: Won vs Oakland, 6-17
    Week 17: at New Orleans

    TJ: The Panthers won again? Ok, this is not funny anymore, guys. How many teams do I have left? Twelve? Oh, man…I’m on vacation!! Give me a break!! **TJ’s leg bracelet zaps him** Fine!! Fine!!…I’m eating crow…how nice….I kind of like it…blah blah blah…

    Fez: I love the media. Cam Newton has behaved pretty well the past few weeks; he gets to face a team full of cheap shot artists that keep bugging him, and because he got enraged and kicked someone, they’re all over him now. Screw the media, Cam. If I were you, I’d go full butthole and hang out with Ndamukong Suh in the offseason. “You want a rodhead? I’ll show you a rodhead!!!â€￾ Wait, someone keep the cellphone away from Brett Favre.

    21.- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last week: 19)
    Record: 6-9 (3rd in NFC South)
    Week 16: Lost vs St. Louis, 28-13
    Week 17: at Atlanta

    TJ: Ohh…the Bucs lost again!! This I like!! Good to see Josh Freeman back in his old Josh Freeman level, and of course, the butthole, I mean, bully, I mean, tough guy coach Schiano looking like a fool in the sidelines. Last year’s collapse was blamed on Raheem Morris. Who will be blamed this time?

    Fez: This one can’t miss. Have a former college coach come to the NFL, lose a few games in a row and find a player unpleased with his playing time saying stuff like “Can we send these coaches back to college?â€￾. Never fails. The hard-headed gimmick only works when you win, Schibutthole.

    22.- San Diego Chargers (Last week: 25)
    Record: 6-9 (2nd in AFC West)
    Week 16: Won at New York Jets, 27-20
    Week 17: vs Oakland

    Fez: “But Mr. Spanos! You can’t fire me yet! I won 6 games despite the team quitting on me halfway through the season and having a starting QB with the worst body language since Ryan Leaf! What? Are you gonna blame me for drafting Ryan Leaf, too?â€￾

    TJ: Don’t give Charger fans ideas, or they’ll add the choice between Rivers and Brees to the list of things they’ll blame Norv for. Now brace yourselves. Norv will land an OC job somewhere, and make a crapty QB flourish…you know, like he almost did with Alex Smith a few years ago. I would bet on Tebow, Gabbert or Foles. Remember: this is the guy Troy Aikman gives credit for his HOF career.

    Fez: So fitting you used “make a crapty QB flourishâ€￾ and Troy Aikman in the same paragraph.

    23.- Cleveland Browns (Last week: 21)
    Record: 5-10 (4th in AFC North)
    Week 16: Lost at Denver, 12-34
    Week 17: at Pittsburgh

    Fez: With Brandon Weeden out nursing his Osteoarthritis, Colt McCoy came in and threw a TD. QB controversy in the making? Bah, who cares? I’d rather watch Faith Hill’s SNF intro for three straight hours, and you should too. Which is exactly what I’m doing as I write the Browns section. Oh Faith… if I only… the most enjoyable… 15, no… 10 seconds in my life. Wait, was I thinking out loud?

    TJ: I BELIEVE IN COLT McC…..wait, what? Sorry…that what we usually yell when the term “QB Controversyâ€￾ is called. The Browns clinched yet another 10-loss season but at least they had a few streaks that made us think the mayans were on to something…too bad they were FRAUDS!!

    24.- New York Jets (Last week: 25)
    Record: 6-9 (3rd in AFC East)
    Week 16: Lost vs San Diego, 27-17
    Week 17: at Buffalo

    Fez: Leave it to the circus that are the New York Jets to try out the latest Youtube sensation: a Norwegian guy named Havard Rugland. As you’ve probably heard by now, Rugland was taped making some long FG attempts, plus a bunch of trick kicks that will never be seen on a football field. Yeah, this is going to end well. You know how I know this? Nothing good will ever come out from giving a Youtube sensation a contract in any facet of the entertainment business. Two words: Justin Bieber.

    TJ: Good job, Fez. Now this article will show in page 987’233,093 of google’s search page on “Justin Bieberâ€￾ and angry 13-year old girls will come scream at us. SRW will probably love the traffic, but I sure won’t!! As for the Jets, that’s what you get for making baby Jesus cry…I mean, Tebow cry.

    25.- Philadelphia Eagles (Last week: 29)
    Record: 4-11 (4th in NFC East)
    Week 16: Lost vs Washington, 27-20
    Week 17: at New York Giants

    TJ: I caught the last play of the Eagles-Redskins game and it was hilarious. What Fez sees on Nick “Sunshineâ€￾ Foles I’ll never understand. I read somewhere that Philly fans should do the right thing and give Andy Reid a standing ovation on his last ever home game as the Eagles coach, and all I could think of was a huge and loud SNITCH PLEASE. These are Eagles fans we’re talking about.

    Fez: You loved his TD toss to Jeremy Maclin, so there’s that. He’s a rookie in a team falling into pieces. You’re gonna judge him for one mental lapse over his overall body of work? Wait, of course you would, you’re a Cowboys fan after all. Nevermind. I BELIEVE IN NICK FOLES!!!

    26.- Tennessee Titans (Last week: 23)
    Record: 5-10 (3rd in AFC South)
    Week 16: Erased off the map at Green Bay, 7-55
    Week 17: vs Jacksonville

    Fez: What a mzZ.. what a mess! The Titans are unbelievably baZZzZzzZz…



    TJ: After their last 50-pt blow out loss, owner Bud Adams said he would “fire everybodyâ€￾ on the team. What is he gonna do after this one? Fire everyone…and himself? Absolutely right…what a mess. It’s too bad you can’t play the Jets every week, right?

    27.- Buffalo Bills (Last week: 26)
    Record: 5-10 (4th in AFC East)
    Week 16: Lost at Miami, 10-24
    Week 17: vs New York Jets

    Fez: Sad little Bills. Why do I even bother? 3 TDs allowed to Reggie Bush, a coach that will definitely be fired at the end of the season, a need for a QB despite handing out Ryan Pickspatrick a $50M contract. Can’t we find a way to have C.J. Spiller in Red and Gold? Ah, screw it. Here’s a video for your entertainment. Pacquiao Style, baby!

    [ame=]El Pacquiao Style - Carlos Chavira - YouTube[/ame]

    TJ: Here’s something I’ve wondered ever since I started watching football 20+ years ago, and learned English: What’s a Bill? Isn’t it something you pay off? Like when my wife asks me “honey, did you pay the gas bill?â€￾ And even though I totally forgot, I tell her “yes, honey, don’t worryâ€￾, while I run to the computer to see if I can pay that thing online. That’s what Bills are, right? What a stupid way to name your football team.

    28.- Arizona Cardinals (Last week: 27)
    Record: 5-10 (4th in NFC West)
    Week 16: Embarrassed themselves vs Chicago, 28-13
    Week 17: at San Francisco

    TJ: I looked up the Cards game boxscore as usual, and this week’s result left me surprised: Larry Fitzgerald: 8 receptions, 111 yards. Who threw the ball? Kurt Warner from the stands? Is that even legal?

    Fez: Hey, if this is your only offensive guy worth keeping, you might as well keep him happy feeding him the ball, right? He moves the chains, he puts butts in the seats, he makes personnel decisions… that’s the right thing to do. Good job forcing the ball to him, Bryan Lindyer.

    29.- Oakland Raiders (Last week: 28)
    Record: 4-11 (3rd in AFC West)
    Week 16: Lost at Carolina, 6-17
    Week 17: at San Diego

    Fez: Oh, hello old friend Matt Leinart. Great to see you’re doing well in the Bay Area… wait, shame; it’s not like you trashed my favorite team back in 2005 when you agreed to tape an NFL Draft intro saying how you dodged a bullet by not entering the draft back then, right? Good news, the failed USC QB group is accepting new members. Call 1-800-USCQB-BLOW for more info. And tell Group President Todd Marinovich that it should be a good idea to start printing an ID for Matt Barkley. Beat the crowd.

    TJ: You mean Matt Leinart is still in the NFL? Who knew? I’m surprised again!!

    30.- Detroit Lions (Last week: 30)
    Record: 4-11 (4th in NFC North)
    Week 16: Lost vs Atlanta, 31-18
    Week 17: vs Chicago

    TJ: Congratulations to Megatron Calvin Johnson for breaking Jerry Rice’s single season receiving yardage record. Roy E. Williams must be in some restaurant, collecting his tips, and telling the bartender: “you know? I nicknamed him, yoâ€￾

    Fez: He then proceeded to drop his tips in true Roy E. Williams fashion, and spent an hour picking them up. But as incredible as it may sound, he still has it better than this guy here:

    This picture of Jim Schwartz sums up the Falcons-Lions game -

    31.- Jacksonville Jaguars (Last week: 31)
    Record: 2-13 (4th in AFC South)
    Week 16: Lost vs New England, 23-16
    Week 17: at Tennessee

    Fez: Screw you, Jaguars. You had to show up now? twinky move. You know what? I may gamble on one of your games again next week. I’ll need a reason to pay attention to your game, and gambling on Week 17 is suicide because you never know when teams that clinched a seed will pull the starters out. So I’ll flip a coin, cross my fingers and place my bet. I may have better results than I did this week.

    TJ: Things will improve for the jags once Tim Tebow arrives. Because anytime you can add a QB you passed on not once, but twice, and stop the development of your first round pick after two years just to put some asses on the stands, you have to do it!!! THEN they’ll move to LA and probably release Tebow who will join Roy in that restaurant.

    32.- Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 32)
    Record: 2-13 (4th in AFC West)
    Week 16: Lost vs Indianapolis, 20-13
    Week 17: at Denver

    Fez: I read sometime last week that Romeo Crennel considered giving Ricky Stanzi a chance to start. It didn’t happen on Week 16, and may or may not happen in the season finale. But when you have to resort to your 3rd QB for non-injury reasons, you know you’re toast. Because if he comes in and plays like crap, people will rightfully say there was a reason why you placed him 3rd in the depth chart; if he comes in and lights it up, it means you are freaking clueless, and the guy’s talent was invisible to your scouting “skillsâ€￾. Either way, you’re screwed. I know what I’m talking about; I once saw the likes of Cody Pickett and Chris Weinke start for the 49ers.

    TJ: I once saw a 3rd stringer named Tony Romo make a start. You know what? I totally see your point. Let’s wrap this thing up. Take us home, Fezzy.

    Good night, good night! Stanzi is such sweet sorrow,
    That I shall say good night, I may be fired tomorrow!
    Excerpt from Romeo and Piolette, Fez, 2012.
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2012
  2. BoltzRule

    BoltzRule Fans refugee

    Great rankings as usual. 1 game left in the Norvdom™** !!

    **ok that was bad, but not as bad as having Norv as the HC of your favorite team.
  3. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    I only hope KC beats Denver next week.:laughpound:. Your intro could be priceless for the Week 17 Rankings.

    Great job fellas!!
  4. codatious99

    codatious99 cheese head

    the rant on the bills was great

    what a stupid way to name your football team lol priceless
  5. SRW

    SRW Ex-World's Worst Site Admin

    Once again, great work guys. I totally understand why the short write-up on the Titans. They have been simply painful to watch.
  6. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    There are some terrible teams we've used a lot of words on, but the Titans even suck at sucking, if you catch my drift.
  7. TJ

    TJ Dez Caught It

    The Titans have been one of the toughest teams to write about this year. Outside of Chris Johnson killing my fantasy season, I've got nothing...

    Sent from my LG-970h using Tapatalk 2
  8. misfitz

    misfitz Dropping Twitter Bombs

    I am curious how the Seahawks cheated? Richard Sherman has filed an appeal with his suspension thus allowing him to play until the appeal is complete. It happens all the time your just mad cause he had a great game. If he had a bad game you wouldnt have said crap. I am a niner fan saying this. Oh and injuries happen he got penalized and that was that its not the first time something like that has happened. Artificial noise continues to be a myth the NFL has checked this out many times before and said the noise is legit. The reason why the place is so loud is because it was designed by a sound expert to reflect the sound down to the field. That is why its so loud. I know as Niner fans its hard to imagine having a loud stadium where they dont have to flash a quiet please offense at work sign on video board.

    We got outplayed in every aspect of the game. They did not cheat they simply outplayed us.
  9. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    NFL definition of sour grapes. Cards should have filed charges and accused the Oceanchickens of statutory rape. But nothing said except we got our rods beat off.
  10. misfitz

    misfitz Dropping Twitter Bombs

    I just find it hilarious how everyone snitches about how soft the NFL has got and then when teams like the 49ers and Seahawks play that old school style and the refs let them play and dont get the whistle involved everyone snitches about how physical the other team is and how they hurt one of our players and blah blah blah. You apparently don't want hard nosed old school football or you wouldn't be snitching about the refs not getting involved because it was a little physical.
  11. mj1987us26

    mj1987us26 Super

    Bad info on Tannehill, the guy very rarely checks down.
  12. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    The only thing I would argue is the the NFL officiating is probably the most inconsistent of all the professional sports. Another referee team just might toss a yellow rag every time the 49er's or Seattle fart. But in this circumstance it's just poor sportsmanship.
  13. CaptainStubing

    CaptainStubing Gave her a Dirty Sanchez

    good stuff guys. very funny.
  14. markaz

    markaz Resident Cards Fan Staff Member

    Just pray Pete Carroll wins Coach of the Year. TJ & Fez could win a Pulitzer over that one.
  15. Fez

    Fez Chicharooney!!!

    **Researching USA laws to determine whether I could successfully sue 127 for mental torture over the Internet**

    It's a good thing the awards will be handed out after our last PRs this season. But if Stinky Pete gets it, I might remember it for next year's preseason edition. :icon_evil: :icon_cheesygrin:
  16. misfitz

    misfitz Dropping Twitter Bombs

    That's because 80% of football calls are judgement calls. Many consider it defensive holding when Justin Smith snags the Guard and frees up Aldon? If the game is physical and between two really physical teams they should let them play. Simple as that. Also no amount of holding or Pass interference calls would have won us that game. We were beat down. Out coached and Out played on all 3 units. Blaming a 36 point beat-down on missing holding and PI calls is pathetic and weak. Pete out coached Jim. Accept the loss and realize that Seattle is probably the biggest NFC threat right now because of how well they are playing and I say this as a die hard niner fan who has a brother in law that is a Seahawk fan who has given me constant crap about the game since it happened..