No, I won’t do the cliched “things I’m thankful for,” column. I won’t share with you my Thanksgiving menu, tell you the great, robbed-that-dude-blind deals I pulled off just before the trade deadline, or even reminisce about sleeping in and high-fiving over the Madden turducken. Gross. Any man who can’t distinguish the bird he plans to cook and eat as its own independent species probably shouldn’t be trusted with the grill in the first place.
None of that happy-go-lucky nonsense. No, welcome to the Pessimist’s Thanksgiving. That’s right, it’s been capitalized. The Pessimist’s Thanksgiving. TPT for short. This year on our Negative Nancy Angenda: the top-five worst Thanksgiving traditions, and their fantasy counterparts. That’s right: not only will we closely evaluate horrific American Pilgrim Day customs, we will also mercilessly compare them to fantasy football faux-pas. I hope you are as excited for this as I am.
Number 5, with a bang: Holding Hands and Giving Thanks
Seriously. Not to get too mushy or anything, but the tradition of holding hands in a circle and offering up thanks should have gone out of style around the time that beads were no longer considered equitable trade value for heaps of square mileage. If the people I’m thankful for don’t already know it then a few rushed words around a table piled Everest-high with food won’t really make them believe it, either. You know what I’m thankful for? Good conversation. What happened to wit and interest? Read, Americans. Immerse yourself in culture instead of gravy.
The fantasy equivalent: Unwarranted praise.
“We really like what Roy Helu can do for us” is about on par with, “No, Kyle Orton’s starting job is not at stake” and “we are committed to getting LeGarette Blount more carries.” You know what I want? Non-wishy-washy coaches. That’s something I’d be thankful for.
Number 4: Cranberry Sauce
Unless this is done perfectly, it’s best left in the jar, on the recipe page, or otherwise un-made. Why do we need sugar with every meat? Can’t we draw the line with ketchup on a burger, barbecue sauce on pork, and A1 on our t-bones? Why do we need to lather cranberry sauce all over a giant bird and call it gourmet? I mean, we already stuff the poor thing full of some weird bread-egg-vegetable concoction, do we really need to add a semi-sweet semi-tar glob of purple to it to somehow make it more aesthetically pleasing? If this paragraph were an 8-ball, all signs would point to “no.”
The fantasy equivalent: The kicker position.
I’ve tried. I’ve called experts from here to Indonesia. I can’t come up with a single reason why this position exists. It’s random, entirely unpredictable, generally not worth more than a second’s thought, and can only cause what those in the poker world like to refer to as “bad beats.” I recall a few years back when Rob Bironas... Rob Bironas... put up 24 points to beat me by 1. It was sickening.
Number 3: “That Uncle”
That uncle does everything. More importantly, he knows everything. This is the guy that over-reacts to every play in the football game. “Ugh. One yard. Why did they call that play. So predictable.” Uncle slams hands on chair arms. “They’re gonna lose.” (you then inform him the Cowboys are sitll up, 14-3) “It’s over.” Later, he will carefully dissect your kitchen tiling, carefully detailing how he could have done it better himself, along with the installation of your home entertainment system. This all, of course, before also drinking your last beer and having the last piece of pie.
Fantasy equivalent: The Buffalo Bills
Honestly, has there been a more frustrating team? Ryan Fitzpatrick started off on fire- even playing his way to a new contract. Even when Fitz and the receivers fell off, Fred Jackson still produced like a number one. Now?
Number 2: Leftovers
One slice of Aunt Wilma’s spam-lima-bean quiche was quite sufficient. I don’t need to stuff my refrigerator with marshmallow-sweet-potatoes, green bean casserole, or store-bought pecan pie any more than I need the entire set of the Ty Hello Kitty plush collection. Moreover, why does each individual family cook enough to feed the entire population of Lichntenstein for a week? I love my pumpkin pie as much as the next guy, but I don’t want it for lunch every day between now and Christmas.
Fantasy Equivalent: The Waiver Wire
After the trade deadline passes, all we’re left with is a bunch of Torrey Smith’s and Greg Little’s. I hope you’ve been praying to your fantasy deity and rubbing your lucky rabbit’s foot. Playing one of these guys is equivalent to purchasing a powerball ticket. Best of luck.
Number 1: Black Friday
Whoever came up with this should be given the Bartman treatment. You know what I like? Sanity. The ability to drive from point A to point B in a reasonable time frame. Both of these go out the window the day after Thanksgiving... or what used to be the day after Thanksgiving. Now, stores are opening as early as 10pm the day OF Thanksgiving. What?! Sorry, family. I’d love to spend more time with you, but Best Buy has Nintendo 3DS for $129.99 and if I don’t get it during doorbuster 1a then it goes up to $130.99! I love you guys and all, but I need that, a pack of duracells, the new Modern Warfare and, uhh, oh yeah Wal Mart has the new Harry Potter Lego series at 2% off normal retail price. Peace.
What happened to us? The need to consume has overcome a family holiday, vacation from work, and, well, everything else in our lives. I understand Thanksgiving is a holiday of gluttony and consumption in itself, but enough is enough. Stay home, sleep in. Wouldn’t it be absolutely perfect if, when they opened at 4am, Best Buy and Wal Mart and all the rest were left empty, with no parking lot lines, no rush for over-consumption of moderately-well-priced electronic equipment? Instead blue-polo’d employees would be left scratching their heads, realizing in a moment of pure capitalist clarity, “Yeah, this was stupid.” No sale is worth quality family time well into the evening followed by a peaceful night’s rest. Do you need me to tattoo this on the back of your hand for you? No sale is worth your, our, sanity.
Fantasy Equivalent: There is none.
Nothing can reach the low of Black Friday’s corporate agenda. Nothing.
OK maybe my ranks can. Last week, I really bit a big one on LeGarettee Blount, but if it’s any consolation, I played Lumpkin over him in a league where doing the opposite would have won me the week. At least I go down with the ship. Let’s hope for week 12 naval successes on par with the Spanish Armada’s defeat of the British in 1588... oh wait, they lost that one. Hm.
As always, you can tweet your lineup questions, comments, rants, or dissertations on early 19th-century philosophy to: @petethegreekff
1. LeSean McCoy
2. Arian Foster
3. Matt Forte
4. Steven Jackson
5. Ray Rice
6. Calvin Johnson
7. Michael Bush
8. Michael Turner
9. Mike Wallace
10. Chris Johnson
11. Rashard Mendenhall
12. Steve Smith
13. DeMarco Murray
14. Maurice Jones-Drew
15. Greg Jennings
The Big Boys
Jackson, Mendenhall, Steve Smith, and Chris Johnson all have amazing matchups this week, right in time for the fantasy playoff home stretch. Oakland-Chicago has all the makings of a very, very ugly game but Bush and Forte should still get theirs. I’m high on Jennings this week in what I expect to be a shootout. He should make up for his stinker week 11, and in bundles.
16. Frank Gore
17. Larry Fitzgerald
18. Rob Gronkowski
19. Ryan Matthews
20. Andre Johnson
21. Jimmy Graham
22. Marshawn Lynch
23. Cedric Benson
24. Dez Bryant
25. Beanie Wells
26. Jason Witten
27. Jordy Nelson
28. Reggie Bush
29. Roddy White
30. Jonathan Stewart
Matchup Plays
Between ranks 16 and 45, really, I notice a lot of similar-tier scores. I think it comes down to matchups and gut, here. The Vikings give it up in terms of fantasy-points allowed... to almost everyone. I think Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez are both strong plays this week. I was high on Johnathan Stewart last week and he didn’t disappoint and now he gets the Colts. He needs to be in your lineup. Needs. In fact, play all your Panthers. Frank Gore feels like my “name ranking of the week.” He’s still banged up and has a nightmare matchup. You’re still using him, but I’d be surprised if he put up studly numbers.
31. Tony Gonzalez
32. Wes Welker
33. Hakeem Nicks
34. Darren Sproles
35. Vincent Jackson
36. Kevin Smith
37. AJ Green
38. Jermichael Finley
39. Desean Jackson
40. Brandon Marshall
41. Antonio Gates
42. Shonn Greene
43. Willis McGahee
44. Antonio Brown
45. Marques Colston
46. Victor Cruz
47. Brandon Lloyd
48. CJ Spiller
49. Santonio Holmes
50. Donald Brown
What a Difference a Week Makes
Donald Brown, CJ Spiller, and Kevin Smith weren’t even names you were thinking about in week 11. But with a great matchup, injuries, and a nice performance respectively, they all need to be on your radar and, assuming no better options, in your lineup. The matchup won’t get any better for the Colts, and while Indy isn’t making any noise this year, their players still want NFL jobs in the future. Brown is getting the carries and hopefully won’t disappoint... then again every time I trust a Colt it backfires. Of the free-agent adds this week, I like Spiller the best. He is a good receiver and basically now has the starting gig and all the third down work to himself. He should produce. Maybe not this week against the Jets, but in future weeks he needs to be on your roster and in your lineup. Um, I love Antonio Brown. You know what’s important for a receiver? Two things: get open. Catch the ball. He does both. Oh, and they play Kansas City. Did I mention the Chiefs aren’t that good? Shonn Greene would be higher if not for injury concerns. If the game gets out of hand in either direction, he will lose opportunities.
51. Percy Harvin
52. Anquan Boldin
53. Aaron Hernandez
54. Dwayne Bowe
55. Laurent Robinson
56. Ryan Grant
57. Plaxico Burress
58. Brandon Jacobs
59. Toby Gerhard
60. Ben Tate
61. Denarius Moore
62. Mike Tolbert
63. Steve Johnson
64. Brandon Pettigrew
65. Mario Manningham
66. Chris Ogbannaya
67. Johnathan Baldwin
68. Sidney Rice
69. Nate Washington
70. Jackie Battle
71. Torrey Smith
72. Greg Olsen
73. Marion Barber
74. Fred Davis
75. Earl Bennet
I Believe...
...that Percy Harvin gets touches out of the backfield. ...That Kyle Orton is the best quarterback to throw to Johnathan Baldwin all year. ...That Greg Olsen gets 7 catches for 80 yards and a score. ...That Super Smash Brothers is the best game ever made. ...That in the on-again, off-again world of Torrey Smith, he has an “on” week. ...That Marion Barber gets at least one score. ...That Horsey sauce and ketchup are the best thing to dip curly fries in. ...That you can pass on the Bills. ...That the Bears will keep Carson Palmer (and his deep threats) in check. And finally, that Thanksgiving isn’t such a bad holiday after all. Happy Turkey Day, knuckleheads.
_PDK